An unexpected "feeling" of breakthrough.

     

     Something unexpected happened last night, I'm still in it, still processing it, it's still incredibly raw. I don't really want to blog about it but I really feel a stirring in my spirit that I need to, whether it's for me or for you I have no idea but I'll be obedient even in this raw moment. Bare with me I guess as I process.

We've had a hard week, with Dad being sick, our schedules have all been changed around and you make adjustments to do what's needed. Shawn has been staying with my Dad and so we haven't seen each other really and I've had the house to myself all week. It's been nice. That sounds mean I know, but there's not peace in my home and I can't ever seem to actually "rest" when I'm home. It's not loud, Shawn is incredibly calm. Too calm. Which unnerves me in and of itself, because under that "calm" is complete turmoil. I know it, he knows it, both of us feel it. I'm a processor, I'm a problem solver, and I don't like to stay stuck in places that I know aren't good for me (I say that now after years of putting up with what has not been good for me....some things just took me a little longer to realize I guess) but my husband likes to just ignore issues and hope they change on their own apparently, he keeps waiting for things to "change" and refuses to understand that he actually holds the key to that. Or maybe he does understand that...I don't really know anymore. Regardless, my nervous system doesn't handle that well, and "calm" is anything but "calm" to me. So it's been nice not feeling that all week ya know? And that makes me a little sad at that realization at how much "calmer" I feel at home by myself.

He called me last night, it was hard. He's been so good to go and take care of Dad, to sacrifice his comfort for the well being of my Dad and knowing that I need to be taking care of my business, ect. But at the same time.... here it came, a dumping of all the responsibility that we'd been talking about for the last 3 weeks...not just this past one week where he sacrificed his time for my Dad, but the last 3 weeks that I told him I simply cannot take care of everything and begged him not to add any more pressure to me but just take care of his share. And in true fashion....he didn't do anything to take care of anything and at the last minute, while doing a good deed, dumped the responsibility in my lap, once again. And didn't understand my reaction in the process, a calm reaction it was... but not the one he was expecting and one I'm sure hurt his feelings. And I sat there after he quickly said goodbye and got off the phone... and then it happened.

You know how this entire past year, on this healing journey is what I've been calling it, cuz it is, doesn't always feel like healing but that's what God is doing, this past year I've dealt with the feeling of disappointment, in my husband for treating me the way he did, for not changing to be better, for not leading the way he should've, for not running to God instead of away from Him only causing himself and all of us more hurt, disappointment in myself for not seeing things more clearly, for getting distracted and taking my eyes off of God and allowing myself to become someone who embraced lies and allowed them to change me, for putting up with things I knew were wrong. For hiding and isolating.

I've dealt with the feeling of frustration, learning how to "let go" and understand that there are things that I have absolutely no control over whatsoever, learning to be okay with not being responsible for other people. Frustration over what "Could" change with effort, but "won't" because of pride...and learning how to step out of the way and let pride take the fall even though it hurts to watch the pain of those decisions and it hurts me and everyone else who don't deserve the consequences but are close enough to feel them. Frustration in realizing just how much selfishness is present and dealing with the understanding that your place in people's lives aren't as "important" as you thought it was.

I've dealt with the feeling of anger... this was a hard one, trying to keep myself on the right side of not sinning because of the anger ... for the most part, I was able to walk in God's grace during this, still am walking all these feelings out, so I haven't arrived yet and some days are definitely harder than others. I often recognize the Enemy in this particular battle of emotions, trying to get me to slip up here and jeopardize my character. He's easy to spot on this one, the others not so much, those are usually subtle moves but it takes an awful lot to get me angry, and he usually has to use other people to do so, mainly my husband...so usually easy to see it. But even without heated moments, I've had to deal with anger over the situation. I'm angry that we're even in these situations, because we shouldn't be. We know better. We know what the right thing to do, we know WHO holds the answers and the ability to help us change and rise above the chaos...I'm angry that is rejected all the time and I'm angry when I hear about the consequences of doing things on our own. I'm angry over stupid decisions and pity parties.

But this new feeling....surprised me last night. It was like something happened and a new level was "opened".... I realized something, I've been numb sweet friends. Numb. I knew that, but what I didn't realize was that numbness reached way deeper than I thought. I know it's been a survival mechanism, that makes sense, there are days that I can feel it, I usually just acknowledge it and keep moving through it....but I've been numb and it's like, God pulled open a new layer to this healing and it's..... 

Hurt. I FEEL the hurt now. I can FEEL the wounds that I've been carrying. It is painful. The tears I'm crying bare more weight this morning....and that makes sense to me. I've struggled with some things on this journey, not understanding why I'm not more upset about some things, why I'm too tired to pray anymore about some things.... but this, this makes sense now.... I couldn't feel them. God's timing sweet friends... He knows and He moves us in ways we don't understand. I'm glad I couldn't feel this earlier... I don't think I could've handled this earlier. It's painful now, and I don't like it.... but I needed to feel this. Because we are hitting roots. And I need to get things out by the root. I'm also feeling the ACHE of my marriage. That's new. I've been so tired sweet friends, just making it through each day and trying to work through, disappointment, frustration, anger, trying to hold on to hope..... but I've felt confused, I think because I was numb.. some days I just went through the motions of what I knew was right, but I just didn't feel anything. You know, God talks about "practicing" obedience, oh don't quote me today but you can look it up, it's somewhere in there... and I think that makes sense.... because faith isn't about feelings... and it's not about "works".... it's about obedience and we don't need feelings or works to match up in obedience does that make sense? It's about a heart condition always, but our heart condition doesn't have to produce the "right" feelings in those moments... I mean, our heart can posture in surrender towards the truth and obedience of what God calls us to do... and our feelings and our works can catch up. "Be ANGRY but DO NOT SIN in your ANGER".... we can BE angry and still NOT sin. Heart posture. 

Faith is hard isn't it? Because I'd say MOST of the time, we don't understand do we? But if we choose to be obedient and take His hand and let Him lead us in the valley, in the dark... everything will catch up as it's supposed to according to His plan.

I think one of the hardest things that I've had to mentally overcome, and really I just kinda put all these pieces together right now, My biggest FEAR (ask those who've been closest to me throughout my life, they could attest to this) has always been....THAT I WON'T REACH MY FULL POTENTIAL IN CHRIST. THAT I WON'T COMPLETE HIS PLAN FOR MY LIFE"

My life verse, most favorite "For I know the plans I have for you..." it's humbling because... I feel like I've failed my deepest desire. Because I've realized....this wasn't God's plan for me, and I can't believe all this time of being destroyed by the enemy, by my own bad decisions, and at the hands of others...I allowed myself to not walk in obedience and reach my potential in God's plan for my life. I did that.

My heart is breaking over that, and I can feel the weight of that right now too  . But I also know that the weight of that, is not the TRUTH of how God sees me right now. And though my emotions are not in alignment with how I will walk today... I will choose to walk in obedience and in the Truth of how God sees me until my emotions align with that truth. I've already sat here and rebuked FEAR... because I felt it's grip at this realization this morning. I will not give it a stronghold. I will Trust the ONE who brought me to this level... the ONE who just exposed the ROOT, the ONE who KNOWS me, Who CREATED me, and WHO STILL HAS A PLAN FOR ME. 

I am broken today sweet friends, and today I can FEEL the ache of my brokenness, but I also know that now... I can work through it and I can "let it go" at the root. I know today is just the beginning of this stage, and I feel like I'm starting tired... but it is evident that God is leading me through this process and clearly He is in charge of the timing. So I will take His hand and let Him steady me in this. 

just an obstructed peek at the canvas

Oh sweet friends, I really don't know if me telling all this is really for me to be vulnerable and obedient
to God in this journey of healing, I realize that this blog is a document of my journey... I didn't really know what God was talking about when He told me to share it on here... I thought it was more about Him teaching me how to open up again and stop hiding.... but I think it's so much more than that (which is no real surprise with God is it? lol) But I realized the other day, my blog coincides with my canvases... which never was on my mind... but kind of amazing to see as well. God is a great Counselor, and the way He brings Healing and Clarity and the way He shows us... How He is in it all, orchestrating and perfecting, and holding us... is pretty humbling and it's been so encouraging to SEE Him in my canvases, and in these blogs....He cares for us sweet friends, He is in the details of our lives, He takes the time to notice us and walk with us. 

And maybe, blogging this isn't just for me, because God doesn't generally make things one sided either so I'm guessing... all this vulnerability is for someone out there too... going through some hard on your own. Be encouraged sweet friend. You are not alone. You pray for me in the days ahead... and I am praying for you. Let's keep walking. Healing is coming. love you -d 

oh...it's also New Year's Eve.... you know what... I'm just gonna keep walking. One day at a time. My ONLY goal this year.... To be Obedient and Abide in Him. Talk to you all next year. ;) 

December

 

        Ahhhh December, last month of the year. Where did this year go sweet friends? Anybody else wondering that too? The older we get, the faster life moves doesn't it? One of those things as a child we never realized was such a blessing...the slow passing of days. We always wanted to "hurry up" and "grow up" didn't we? What we wouldn't give for those slow passing days now huh? I guess I am glad I've made it to December lol, this has been quite a year hasn't it? A lot of pain, a lot of realizing things, so much changing, and for me personally, a lot of internal reflection and growth for sure. So a very very hard year, but a year full of growth and for that I am thankful as I look back at where I once was. I hope you can be proud of your growth too sweet friends, we made it to December. If nothing else, Celebrate that. 

So my life update this month....

       Shawn forgot about my birthday lol and you know what....I'm not even upset about it. Is that weird? I mean, I'm not a child, I don't really care about birthdays anymore, in fact a couple years ago when I entered a new decade...I sort of didn't handle it well inside. It was a hard birthday, and since then, I just don't really care much about it. But I don't know... he told me he forgot it was my birthday and I just didn't have much of a reaction ya know? I think I might be more concerned that I'm not upset about the fact that I'm not important enough to remember...what does that even mean sweet friends? I don't know.

I keep thinking I should be sad, or mad, or resentful even because the last few days honestly have been emotionally trying... but at the end of the day, I just feel tired.

I also feel super guilty for having a rough Christmas... anybody else feeling that way today? I think I feel guilty because I recognize all the blessings in my life right now and I feel like those should somehow trump the brokenness I feel right now. I personally know several individuals that are going through some very heartbreaking things, saying goodbye to their loved ones right now, right before Christmas...I can't imagine what that must feel like. I have so many things to be thankful for right now...

My business is doing so well, it's been fun, and exciting, and so many encouraging things have been happening with it, so much promise for the future. I'm so thankful that God is using this business to grow me in this journey and to use it to provide stability for me which is huge right now. God has began to develop friendships and bring people into my corner to give me a sense of belonging and hope that I can find "home" again. He has began using me to reach out and love on people and have some meaning in my life and turn the hard things in to good for His glory.

So many good things to be thankful for...and yet, I just feel so broken this month. Can those two things really coexist? Thankfulness and Brokenness? Is it okay to simultaneously feel both? There are moments here lately that I am doing my best to hold it together but on the inside I feel like I'm crumbling. Which on one hand, makes me feel guilty that I can cover that up so well... am I being deceitful to the people around me? or is it wisdom? To walk closely to the Lord in the breaking moments and rely solely on Him to see me through them, to hold me together till I can breathe again...would telling other people in those moments take my full reliance off of God and place my reassurance in the hands of someone else? How do we know when involving others is the right thing to do? Is it pride? I don't know sweet friends, I think back over the past decade of my life when things started getting harder, and I feel that my main reservation in keeping things hidden was 1. to protect the dignity of my husband. and 2. I wanted to protect our witness. I knew Satan would jump at the chance to take us down and at that time, the struggles happened only within the walls of our home, so it felt isolated and somewhat controlled and I thought as long as I just kept my eyes on Jesus, concealing the hard was the right thing to do.

Was that pride just convincing me it was noble? It's hard looking back and questioning all those decisions which I thought were right at the time but now that I realize that some of those decisions weren't right, I find myself second guessing everything I thought I knew to be truth. I know this is a common response during a healing process....doesn't make it any easier though. I want to figure out what the truth actually IS. I want to work past all these confusing parts. 

A part of me is a little angry.... it's been a year since the blow up that started us down this rough year ya know? I'm angry that I don't feel farther along in the healing. I'm angry that my husband isn't better. Quieter for sure...but not better nor willing to try to get better. I had hopes that a year later... things would look much different than they do right now. I know I've changed a lot this year, for the better but I still feel super stuck. And I've been waiting for a couple other things that God definitely spoke to me, but I haven't seen them really come to fruition...I've seen enough to know that He is working in them, so it's enough to not question what I know He spoke to me, I'm just impatient I guess. I just feel lost in all this and wish a couple of those promises were fulfilled already so maybe I'd feel a little less wobbly. That probably doesn't really make sense does it? That's okay sweet friends, some things are just between God's voice and my heart, bottom line.... I'm impatient. prayers appreciated. I made a promise to God that I will let Him lead His promises and I will not take control and try to make anything happen on my own. So I'm keeping myself in check. I don't want to be in charge, I want to trust Him with the timing... He is trustworthy and I will submit to His plan. 

Christmas....oh boy, I decided just to let the month play out before I posted on here, this season has been so busy for me at the shop, I haven't had too much time for anything else. Our shop looked beautiful this year. I love Christmas, always have. People kept asking me, "I bet your house just looks gorgeous?" lol...no I did nothing at home. I did tack a few Christmas pics up on my wall along with the other pics I hung up last month. But no tree. no lights. no outside cuteness. nothing. and that's okay. I had plenty of Christmas at the shop to get me in the spirit. I told Shawn at Thanksgiving that I really really wanted a Christmas tree for the house and I kept saying it till mid December and decided that even though I could've went and got one for myself, it wasn't the point. It's okay, I survived. 

Christmas came... and ya know what... it was hard. And the hard came in very unexpected ways. I was preparing for Shawn to have a meltdown like last year. I was ready for that, or anything that might flip a switch and I was careful to try and keep things honest but pleasant leading up to Christmas ya know? I'm not afraid to say it like it is with Shawn, I'm done walking on eggshells. But...I'm not trying to rock the boat necessarily either. I don't want to hurt my husband and I know him well enough to know that he's got internal struggles going on as well and is not happy with himself.

But it wasn't Shawn that caused turmoil this Christmas. It came from both sides of the family right at Christmas. I was caught off guard for sure and you know what? It threw my nervous system off completely. Man, that was hard to mask sitting amongst family. There was a moment, when I honestly thought about just walking out the door. Sweet friends, I am caught in this place where I am so tired of drama...and I know that's healthy to not want to deal with drama, that's not really new for me, but I am kind of amazed at how AWARE I am now of the drama around me. I think I was in such a survivor mode for so long that I didn't process things correctly and was just numb to those things I guess. Or the little things just didn't faze me because I was always preparing for the big things. That makes more sense. But now, as I've been on this healing journey, I'm quicker to recognize those things, probably because I'm noticing how my body just responds first to danger. My body has definitely been my biggest wake up call for sure. And I think the hard work is taking my body's responses and then analyzing them and making sure that I'm not just responding to what "appears" to be a threat. That's hard work sweet friends, our body's triggers, are there because of what we've gone through, it's our defense mechanism and in some ways, it's protected us...but a lot of damage has been done in those responses and we need to not live in them. We MUST retrain our bodies and minds to be safe and healthy and that takes a process and it forces us to acknowledge what is happening, what triggered it, and what is the TRUTH right now, in this moment? God does not want us living in survival mode. His yoke is easy and His burden is light....THAT is the Truth of where we should be living. It's a journey. I don't like it. But I do not want to live with my body constantly on alert and my nervous system the last few days has been so uncomfortable and hard to deal with. 

And then..... my dad....84, has been so sick this week and refusing to go to the doctor, so add that pressure of taking care of him and worrying. He missed Christmas, which was hard, how many Christmases do we have left with Dad ya know? And so many people I know have lost their loved ones this past month to illnesses, some sudden illnesses and boom, within days they're gone. And here we are, watching my dad so weak which is never the case, and so stubborn and coherant enough to know what he wants and does not want and knowing where that line of respect and action are is hard isn't it? He seems to be getting better, Shawn has been staying with him the last several days... yeah....which is amazing. And as thankful as I am over that... it has also caused confusion for me. This is the husband I know. 

My emotions are sort of all over the place right now sweet friends. Do I get my hopes up that maybe this has triggered change? Do I stay the course of harsh boundary lines and possible future decisions that things recently have been leading up to... I'm a bit of a mess right now. Hopefully we'll get through this sickness with Dad and maybe my mind will clear. I don't want to make mistakes, at least not any huge ones. I'm lost again sweet friends. But maybe hopeful? I keep my hope pretty guarded anymore... is that right? no idea. That's just something I'm figuring out one day at a time.

I will say.... the amount of pressure I feel on my shoulders right now, is so heavy. I don't know how I'm still standing but by the grace of God. He is able. He is here. and I need His strength to get me through. Because today... I don't feel like I have much left. But I will watch Him work, in me, through me, definitely inspite of me. Because He is faithful sweet friends. He CAME here to this Earth as a baby, with the sole purpose of DYING.... for us. That is the message that He has burned into my head and heart this Christmas season. As I have struggled to grab ahold of joy. To get through each day struggling with so many uncertainties in my life. As I wake up every day so tired of trying to put back together all the pieces of my life and do it in a way that glorifies God and doesn't repeat the same mistakes that broke me in the first place..... He has reminded me, that I am the reason He came. To SAVE me. and He is sweet friends, slowly, in time, as we walk through this darkness, fixing the broken pieces as they come....but completely. Because THAT is Who He is. My Savior. My Healer. and that is WHY, even in this season of hurt, I can rejoice and be glad... because I am not alone in any of this.

you too sweet friends, from my heart to yours, Merry Christmas. -d  

The Lost One....

 

Ya know sweet friends...... God has been showing me some things the last few weeks. Things about me. They have not been harsh things, but things I never really knew about myself and in this process of Him showing me who I am (which, is honestly what I've been asking Him to do this whole past year...so, He is a God who answers us, and in ways we don't always expect) but He has simultaneously been showing me how He sees me. Which has humbled me in more ways than I can count. I don't know, I think there's a huge difference in claiming the things we KNOW that God says we are and pondering those things and then there's the revelation of Him showing us how He SEES us, in all our moments, in our victories and our struggles, in our pain and in our brokenness....that just, reaches into a whole different level of understanding and grounding for our identity and worth. (another thing I've been struggling to find this year) 

If you've been following along on this journey since last September, you already know that the word "lost" has come out of my mouth a million times and even today, if I had to pick one word to describe how I'm feeling in the midst of everything in my life... it would still be the word I would choose to use. The crazy thing is, even though I still feel incredibly lost in life right now, this past year has been an incredible journey of "finding" a lot of things. So when I say that I'm lost today, it's not in a depressive way. Does that make sense? Not that I don't have some dark days where I do just want to give up, because I do and I think those days are understandable.... but I'm more lost in the sense that I just don't know what is happening around me, in my marriage, my future, this journey. But I have discovered many things along the way this past year. The pain is producing fruit sweet friends. The fire is refining the weak places. The waiting is hard right now, I'm actually waiting on quite a few things but I believe that it is producing endurance and faith and I don't know what else but I know God is good and His heart for me is good so, I'm learning to trust the waiting even though at times it feels so painful. The obedience that God has required of me this past year, is producing .... life. He's breathing life back into these dead dry bones, into the empty places, everyday that I choose to bow down in surrender (sometimes, that action takes me a few days, not gonna lie) and walk in obedience, willfully laying things down at His feet, handing Him the broken pieces to do with as He wills....I feel life creeping back into me. And for that sweet friends, all of this hard, is worth it.

      You know, God showed me something pretty powerful the other day....  I've always heard the parable of the lost sheep right? you too.... and honestly, I've never really liked that parable... I know right? what? Yeah, I don't mean it as bad as it sounds it's just that I've always been kind of envious of the fact that God would leave the 99 and go chase after a sheep that took off and left the rest, out doing it's own thing, not following the Shepherd. Right? Guess I kinda acted like the prodigal sons brother to be honest. And I don't know why that story has always made me feel like an outsider almost, an outsider of God's love it almost felt like. Talk about a revelation in THAT department, it never dawned on me that I actually felt like an outsider of God's love and care like that. Just something I never honestly realized about myself until I started thinking about the parable of the lost sheep.

But then God, in His perfect way, corrected me even further..... the lost sheep was about a prodigal and that story is a beautiful picture of how fiercely God loves the ones who stray, He's not "done" with them just because they chose to run away from Him...if YOU are prodigal right now sweet friend, God is absolutely chasing after you, because He loves you, He won't force you to choose Him back, but just turn around sweet friend and you'll find Him right there, arms open wide. 

 God has been speaking to my heart this year, but really been bringing it home the last few weeks. I have felt so lost, and alone, and my focus has been on "getting right with God" in all the areas that I have really "accidentally" strayed because of my ignorance, but regardless, it's left me alone in the dark. And that's where the revelation has hit me sweet friends, A lost sheep....is a lost sheep. A lost sheep could also be one that somehow got distracted and all of sudden, couldn't find it's way back. A lost sheep maybe isn't being rebellious in it's journey, maybe it just got stuck somewhere, it got scared, and started feeling hopeless and alone, maybe it turned around one day and noticed the rest of the flock kept going without it because none of them noticed it got stuck somewhere.... maybe it became afraid no one would come back to save it. The lost sheep was left wandering around afraid it wouldn't find it's way back, missing the Shepherd's voice, missing the safety and protection of the flock..... See, in other passages of scripture, The Good Shepherd is mentioned again as one who KNOWS His sheep and His sheep KNOW His voice, a Shepherd that protects His Sheep. I love that picture, we carry them in our shop, the one of Jesus hovering over the lost sheep and holding back all the wolves. 

I AM a lost sheep sweet friends. And His gaze turned to me and He came running to grab ahold of me in the dark and He has been leading me back home. 

Talk about a humbling month. You know what else is crazy about this? This whole past year... I am not kidding, go back to September and simply read my first blog, which actually has more significance than I realized a few seconds ago, but THIS THEME of The Lord is my Shepherd.... has been so prevalent in my journey this far. God has literally dropped this theme throughout my journey. In the beginning, when I first started recognizing it, I believed it had something to do with me just feeling sort of  "Shepherdless".... no church home, obviously my husband wasn't really leading me anywhere, I felt stuck... so I sort of just thought maybe that's what it was and maybe that it was more just about a journey of healing. Then, someone that God has placed in my life early on in all of this, God has actually tied this theme into our relationship which has been super cool and I have no idea what it really means but it's unique for sure, I've never had a theme tied to a friendship from God before so it's been a humbling journey knowing that God really is in the small details of our lives and He cares about us all so much that He does little things to let us know that He is working in our lives in unique and special ways. 

Though, He IS my Shepherd, and He IS healing me on this journey, this theme is presenting so many levels of my relationship with Him. I did not expect to have this current revelation of me being a lost sheep and how much He cares even for me. I needed this revelation. There is just something about God giving us a picture and reassuring us of His love for us, like He just did for me, that burns deep in our souls doesn't it? I mean, He died on the cross, the truth of that is enough...and yet here He is...running after us in the dark whether it's because we chose to run away, or because we simply got lost....His love for us is fierce sweet friends.

I needed this revelation, especially right now. Life is a bit strange, all this chaos that keeps my soul tired right now, literally every day, is present but in spite of it all, I'm finding joy in the small things. I feel so blessed to watch God placing people in my life that I do believe genuinely care. The crazy thing is, there's really only like 2 people still that know a fair amount of what is actually going on or has gone on in my life the past year. Only 4 people total (that are in our lives) that even know about this blog (that I am aware of). So at times, that feels weird, that I'm sitting among people that I know are genuine and caring, and honestly have no clue the kinds of battles I'm facing, and yet I still cannot bring myself to expose this part of my journey. I think I'm kind of stuck in that too, I don't want to do or say anything that I will regret and I am hopeful things can change and I don't want to cause problems for Shawn if they do ya know? I'm lost here in this place as well. Definitely a battle between wanting to do what is right and healthy and also not really knowing fully what that is right now. And simultaneously, feeling really alone and wishing I could just spill it all to people I'm sure would rally to lift me up. frustrating place to be...and it all rests with me, it's no one's responsibility but mine to be that transparent. 

bleh.

I'm sure it shouldn't be this complicated, and I'm sure I am wrong somewhere in all this confusion. But I also don't like making decisions out of confusion. So I'm hoping God will help me see the truth of what I should do here, or speak to those listening to Him and I will walk accordingly. I'm pretty sure I'll know if it's God leading someone into this mess lol. We'll see whether I crack at some point, or whether God pushes the envelope. Cuz I really do not know what the right thing to do is. I'm so tired. 

It's also brought about a real attitude of caring for people in me. Which makes sense. Sometimes I think about the fact that here I am, facing some really hard things, some days feel unbearable at times even, heart breaking things and yet the people around me, have no clue. And how many people do we interact with in our lives that we just really don't know what they are dealing with? And how do we really remedy this? Because the answer is not to bury our lives (like I'm clearly doing) and the answer isn't to bear all things to "everyone"....we know that is wisdom too. But somewhere there's a balance and I think we should be doing more in the being transparent with people AND being the kind of people that make better efforts to let those friends, family, strangers, KNOW that we actually WANT to know how they are REALLY doing. Right? I think a lot of us have lost that art of deep connection with people. And I can't help but think that Satan has had something to do with that. So as much as I'm hurting, I am reminded that I do not know everything that goes on in a person's life and I need to always do my best to love on people that God places in front of me and not be afraid to boldly let them know that I really do care about the things they're scared to share. And then just let God lead the relationship. 

Life can be complicated lol. But, I think the important thing sweet friends, is that we make it our daily goal...to chase after God. "Seek Me and you will FIND Me, if you seek Me with your WHOLE heart." and I think that is the key to everything. I am absolutely feeling lost right now, but I will seek Him in the dark, and I will trust that He knows exactly where I'm at. He's holding back the wolves. He's taking my hand and leading me forward out of the dark. Some days, He's picking me up and carrying me when I just can't do it anymore. Because He is Always Faithful to us. I love that.   

Blank Walls

 

     You know what I've realized recently sweet friends? Our outward lives are a reflection of what's happening inside...aren't they? A while back, Shawn and I had a conversation about how messy his pickup had gotten, if you knew Shawn, you'd understand what a huge deal that is. He has always been very meticulous with his vehicles, always took care of them, paid attention to the little details, stayed on top of maintenance, kept them immaculate, nothing out of place. But not now... it's a pit. But also a reflection of what I believe is going on inside ya know?

       I was thinking about that the other day, just the sadness of it really and no real way to help him. I'm learning that lesson the hard way. Each day I'm understanding more and more my role in all of this...and it's not my place to fix things for my husband. He has to start facing some hard things and he has to make the choices to fix those things, change those things, and mostly, just acknowledge the things that are destroying his life, our life. It's painful sweet friends. I want to fix it so bad. I want to control the outcome too.....but I can't. And I'm trying very hard to reconcile that in my heart and spirit with God as I learn to be still and stay out of the way.

But I realized something pretty painful about myself the other day as I was looking around my house. The walls are bare sweet friends. We've lived here for almost a year... and my walls are bare. Now I know how to decorate. I have really cute things. I own a Boutique... I know how to design a beautiful space. And yet..... in my own home, there is nothing. It hit me pretty hard, as I looked at my own reflection all around me in the one place that should be safe. The one place that I should be able to express myself and enjoy.....right? It's blank. And it is an accurate representation of what has been going on inside of me all year too.

My heart is broken over the realization of where I've been. It's hard really looking at how much I just "disappeared" and even harder to try and understand why I worked so hard to "hide" from people. I love people and I love connecting with people. And yet I became so consumed with trying to protect my husband from any negative attention because he was "struggling"...that I just became a shell of who I was. And God has been gently showing me this past year, that was NEVER His plan for me. It shouldn't of happened. And I was wrong to allow it. 

Talk about a tough wake up call. The battle of stripping down the belief system that I had built up as my excuse for allowing all the things, for allowing myself to hurt the way I did, for believing that I was being noble and self sacrificing and a godly wife... and even teaching and encouraging the same mindset to others that we just stick with it and carry our crosses so to speak and maybe that was God's plan for us as godly help mates to our husbands. Yeah, a battle is right. Unlearning things we've been taught is hard isn't it sweet friends? And then being open to allowing God to show us His heart on the matter takes a lot of courage too doesn't it? I'm still not 100% sure where I'm at with all of it but I do know that God's heart for me, was so much better than what I endured, and His heart for me now....

That's what I am seeking. His heart, not my emotions, not my thoughts, not my desires... His heart. Because I really don't know what tomorrow holds, but He does. I don't know if my husband's heart will change, but He does. I'm also really afraid of what other "Believers" will say to me once we open up about this part of our lives. On one hand, it doesn't matter, I know what God has been showing me and teaching me and I know the things that I have had to unlearn in this painful process. So I'm not afraid of being swayed to put up with things that are destroying me. And my heart's desire in all of this, is restoration of my marriage. I do not want to go in the direction of divorce. I will fight till I have nothing left before I make that kind of a decision. BUT.... I guess I'm hoping for spirit filled people who know God's heart in all of this and won't pressure me so to speak to just ignore and endure....and that's kind of what I'm afraid of. I've had to repent myself for always believing that there was no other option besides sticking it out with your spouse "no matter what".... I'm thankful that all the couples that my husband and I ever counseled (during the good and worthy times) we never had to actually push that because those couples all worked towards restoration and God was faithful to them. I'm so thankful that we never pushed someone in the wrong direction with this belief system, but nonetheless, laying it at His feet and apologizing for hanging onto it so tightly myself and frankly, allowing that thought process to actually destroy my temple all these years, was a hard thing to admit.

I feel lost a bit sweet friends. And honestly, super alone. Mainly because there is no real deep conversations taking place. Pleasant exchanges sure, but nothing of real value...just avoidance of anything that really matters, and that's a really lonely place to sit. I no longer am willing to force communication, I'm tired of trying in that department. I no longer have any desire to beg for the desire to get some help and breach those broken places that are hindering growth and freedom. It just is a wait and see what happens as I continue to move forward in healing and growth until something changes or I'm done waiting. 

You know the truth is.... it's not that I actually think that I deserve better....because honestly, I don't really feel that way right now, probably because I feel so broken, and my self worth has been damaged so the thought of what I think I "deserve" isn't really at the forefront of my mind right now. I know where I'm at with my self worth is not the Truth, and I am working to correct my thinking and get that part back in alignment with what is the Truth. But, the blank walls are a good depiction of what I feel about me right now too, just really unsure. And all my energy is going towards pushing hard for stability in life to survive, that I feel so overwhelmed and too tired to really shift any focus on this particular area. I am going to have to at some point, it's a pretty crucial part of life, to know who we are and how we feel about ourselves.... it kinda shapes everything we do and live for so I can't ignore it. But I am recognizing there are days I really just am unsure where I stand in the whole "worth" department. 

The process of, or JOURNEY of "healing" is so intricate and complex sweet friends. Because, it's never really just one area that needs fixed... it's multi and layered.... and everything needs "worked through". Some things can be quick for sure. And the Healer is here, and He can heal us completely in the snap of a finger....but He instead often chooses to walk us through the journey...teaching us about His heart for us, showing us where we got it wrong and WHY we got it wrong, Like a Good Father, teaching us the lesson so we don't make those same mistakes again. He wants to spend the time with us, He wants to hold us in the painful moments, and I think He wants us to understand the work of His healing as it slowly takes place in our deep hidden places. Because that's who He is. He cares for us sweet friends.

Which is what makes days like this bearable. Because the pain has a purpose, and we are not alone in it.   Honestly sweet friends, I HATE that I am on this journey. It makes me really mad sometimes that I even have to walk through all this. Why is this what my life looks like? Couldn't I be doing so many more productive and awesome things with my life than having to work through this pain? Wouldn't my life be so much more useful to God if I didn't have to focus so much of my time on myself right now? I hate it. I feel guilty over that too.... I want to be focused on ministry and actually making a difference in this world and leading people to Jesus, but instead, my time right now is consumed with trying to get all these areas right with God and heal so that eventually I can do the things He's created me to do.

Our entire existence isn't about what we can do, it's about how we worship. Our relationship with Him. So I know that I'm doing what He's created me to do, which is to love Him with my life and to fix anything that is not honoring to Him. So I'm doing that, I am..... but I still feel guilty, that I have to. I feel guilty that I wasn't more discerning, that I wasn't more diligent with my life and I allowed myself to get off track so now I have a mess to clean up before I can feel "useful" to the Kingdom and walk in the purpose and annointing that I know I carry. It's hard sweet friends. But God always wants us, our hearts, before He wants our ministry. And that's what's laying up on the altar before my God today....my heart.

These bare walls, these dry bones, the light that feels dim.....all up on the altar today. Surrendering all the things I don't understand, because I know that He will fix what is broken here, and He will restore me and use me, He will finish what He started with me, no matter how long ago it stalled....because He cares, He is my Creator, He is my Rescue, and He is always Good. 

I'm gonna go hang some stuff on my walls.... as a reminder that I will find myself eventually. It might not even look pretty...but it's gonna be there. 

love you sweet friends - d  

At War with "Hope"

 

        You know what's hard sweet friends, knowing that you're in a bad situation but you're choosing to stay in it until you can figure some things out, fighting with everything you have to hold onto "hope" that things might change, looking ahead and trying to make the wisest decisions that you can in this process of...whatever this stage is called. And at the same time feeling like you really shouldn't be talking about it because you're actually choosing to fight it out so to speak. It's hard. It's lonely too. It's also made me realize that there really should be some kind of support group for people dealing with these types of situations. I'd give anything right now just to sit and chat with someone, that I don't have to pay. Right? Nothing wrong with that, but.... we should have support groups just sayin.    

Soooooo the Women's Encounter I went to over the weekend (couple weekends ago...sorry, got really busy with work no blogging time) It was good. God was in charge of my life and He directed me to go even though clearly I thought I was just running away for the weekend by my own choice. Yeah, I'm sure God laughed a bit too. Here's what I shared on my Facebook Page about it...

Soooo a few weeks ago, I signed up for a Women’s Encounter weekend, in all honesty it wasn’t because I wanted to go, it was because I wanted to run away from something that has been incredibly hard lately and I needed a break, so I took the opportunity. I feel bad because I was glad to have an escape plan from life, but sweet friends, my head and heart have been so full lately that the thought of a weekend full of things to think about…didn’t sound appealing, not because it wasn’t going to be good stuff, but I just wasn’t sure I could handle it all ya know?

And if you know me at all, I’m the type of person that will not go by myself, I’ll rally everyone I can to come along right? But I didn’t do that this time, I had mentioned it to just a couple people, and I did have a couple friends that I knew had signed up to go, and the closer it got, I realized there were more people that I knew who would be attending too. But also with that, and the closer it was getting, I just kept thinking about how I could go to this thing but also kind of just be invisible. Does that make sense? Not because I don’t love people, I totally do but… everything just felt so heavy, I didn’t really want to be seen.

I drug my feet, which is so not like me sweet friends, I am a business owner, I am super organized most of the time, prepared, ect… Friday…. Afternoon, I instantly felt so overwhelmingly tired, like crazy tired, I seriously contemplated just staying home and trying to rest and sleep over the weekend…for about a minute, because the Holy Spirit pricked me and I instantly realized I was in the middle of spiritual warfare and as much as I was fighting the weekend, I knew the Enemy was working hard to convince me to stay home too. Which of course made me mad and lit a fire, so at 3 PM I walked into my bedroom, found a duffel bag and threw some stuff in it cuz I was leaving at 4.

You know what’s funny…. One of our room leaders actually had packed one extra…of everything I had forgotten! It’s almost like God was reminding me that He goes before me even in something like this. So thankful she listened to the Holy Spirit even in the little things it mattered.

So we got to the church where we gathered before heading to the place, and I think within 10 minutes I had introduced myself to several women who I spotted sitting by themselves and had a few of them moved to my row. And I was sitting there when it dawned on me that I just can’t seem to do what I wanted desperately to do…stay completely hidden and invisible lol I’m a leader, I automatically love people, and apparently I can’t just ignore everything. I felt God chuckle a bit too honestly.

Here’s the thing, it was a great weekend, with lots of solid teaching and spirit filled Believers, I loved soaking in the atmosphere and watching the Body of Christ, functioning as it should, no denominational walls…just the Beautiful Body of Christ and me, I didn’t walk into the weekend full of baggage or things I needed to lay down ya know? If you follow me at all, you know I am constantly laying things at His feet. Not that He didn’t show me a few things that needed to go while I was there but I didn’t have anything like that I was really struggling with …but the weekend felt heavy sweet friends….it felt heavy because things that are not in my control were waiting for me when I got back. And the heaviness of that kept tugging at my heart and mind throughout. I will say, by the end of the weekend, I had enjoyed the experience, loved all the people, made some great new friends and connections, felt excited and refreshed experiencing what I haven’t in the Body of Christ for a while…and that did my heart good. But….I asked God, why did I really come here? Was it really just me escaping for the weekend or did I miss what You had for me here?

And like He does…. As I was asking Him that, a song came on called Rescue, and in that song is a line “I will send out an Army to find you in the middle of the night” and God pricked my heart in that moment and I understood what He was beginning to do, for me. He was sending me an army of people that I so desperately need to walk this part of my journey with. Because I am a bit lost in it, and it feels dark prayer warriors, some walking the same road, friends. See, I’ve been realizing something pretty fierce the last few months but especially the last couple of weeks….the Enemy has been relentlessly trying to destroy me over the past several years. He’s managed to silence me and neutralize me, hurt me, and in parts…destroy me. And I never realized that….till now. I am broken sweet friends, but I know that God will heal and restore me. I just have to be obedient to this really painful process. And I will. I will.

The last few days, it’s become even a little clearer, that God indeed set me up to go to the Encounter…I thought I was running away and using it as an excuse, but I knew better, we all do don’t we? He laughs at our plans, He goes before us, and He knows what we need better than we do.

And for that, I’m thankful. I’m looking forward to Him revealing those in my life who He is preparing to walk beside me in the days ahead, and it will be led by the Spirit which I believe means I won’t have to search them out, He will direct them to me if they are supposed to be a part of my journey… some I know I’ve already met and they have started walking with me a bit up till now, some I think I have yet to meet….and it’s not because He is not capable of walking me through it alone…because He is more than able….but He is teaching me the opposite of what the Enemy has been pounding in my head for the last decade… the Body of Christ is the Body of Christ for a reason, and yes, even for me. It’s time I start linking arms and stop trying to fight the Enemy on my own. I can’t do it anymore sweet friends. It’s too much. I’m learning….I’m learning

It's been a few weeks now since the Encounter, and God of course has been faithful. I'm still seeing Him weave this net of people around me. It's both comforting and a little scary. Why? Because sweet friends, I just keep asking myself, what is this safety net of people for? Am I going to fall? And maybe that's the Enemy causing fear that things are going to fall apart. I don't know. I can't dwell on that because God tells us not to worry about tomorrow, and I need to Trust Him in all of this. It's just my flesh getting in the way. I've thrown myself into my business the last few weeks, I've stepped out in faith and am expanding my business. It's something God has been preparing in my heart for a while now, I've been fighting it because it's scary right now, everything is so shaky and uncertain in my personal life, I didn't want to take a big risk with my business ya know? But I've realized that my business, is actually part of my journey that God is establishing me in... I don't necessarily mean as a business...but establishing me. Growing me. Building up my faith and trust. Showing me who I am...because I have forgotten sweet friends and God is restoring me, and rebuilding me into who He has created me to be. And I'm seeing that more clearly every day. I'm afraid I'm going to fail. No doubt...that fear is huge. And it's not about failing in the business, it's about failing this growth, failing my own expectations and God's grace towards me in all of this. So this journey just got a little deeper the last few weeks. Pray for me, I need so much wisdom in all things. 

And let's be honest, I've dove into this because I'm running a bit from home. I know it, I acknowledge it. But right now it seems like wisdom. I need to get a handle on things and my feet firmly planted and I'm afraid if I let my mind and heart wander into the chaos, then everything will get thrown off course and I'm simply not willing to risk it. Am I right? I honestly have no idea, I'm questioning everything and second guessing myself constantly but for right now.... it's what I'm going to do. Lock my eyes forward and push as hard as I can to find some solid ground....then go from there. We'll see what happens. 

(  New day...)

      I spent an hour today, sitting on my floor and partly walking around my house, just weeping sweet friends. Something really unexpected and hard happened today. You know what? It's something that my husband is responsible for....but I just got the repercussions of it, and they are huge and a little scary for me. Someone is threatening to cause problems for my business...because they are upset with my husband and they are holding me responsible as well. They aren't wrong to be mad, they've been wronged. But not by me. And threatening my business is how they've chosen to "get even" I guess. I'm livid sweet friends, not at the person, but I am with my husband. I will admit that today.   So where do I go from here? I don't know. When I talked to him about it, he blamed me. And then life. I just keep wondering what rock bottom looks like for my husband. Sometimes I think he has hit it, but then nothing changes and here we go again. I'm getting scared to think what "rock bottom" actually is.

      I'm tired. And maybe I should erase all of this before I hit the publish button for all of you to read. But I'm so tired sweet friends. And I don't feel like I can talk about these things with the people I do life with, because I know they'll worry. And I'm the one making the choice to stay in this with my husband for right now. It's like, how can I complain about something I'm not willing to walk away from? It's not that I want to live in this chaos and hurt, I just can't let go of my marriage and I ..... am afraid. I'm not gonna sugar coat it, that's what it is, for various reasons. Am I wrong? Probably... but I'm trying to navigate something I never thought I'd be walking through, and I'm kind of navigating it alone for the most part. But being able to share it here, with strangers, but also brothers and sisters in Christ who I believe are praying for me and my husband... is worth the risk of laying some of the hard things bare. 

       I'm struggling with "hope" ..... what is real and what is false. My heart is breaking because it's holding on too tightly to what "used" to be, the potential of what "could" be, and all the effort and sacrifices I have put in over the years. How do some people do it? What a painful path to walk. I am fighting it with everything in me. I'm not saying that's the path I will end up on, but this process is bringing up these possibilities and questions. Every single day I feel like I am at a funeral. Things around me are slowly dying and no matter how hard I try to stop it, I can't...and the painful part is that he is just sitting there, letting everything die...everything. What am I supposed to do with that? 

So honestly.... I'm desperately looking for HOPE. Real Hope. I know that God is Hope... and I know that all answers can only be found in Him. That's not what's in question, it's the confusion of my circumstances and actions of my husband that make me feel like I can't get a grip on what's real. It feels like a war right now inside. I want to cling onto real hope so bad, but everything I keep finding myself grabbing ahold of here lately, seems to crumble in my hand...because what I thought was real...isn't.

I refuse to give up....today. But discouragement seems to be bear hugging me... sweet friends, pray for us. I don't know where the line of faith and surrender are right now. He is God of the Impossible...when is that prayer supposed to stop? Where does Hope for a miracle...stop?

I don't know. 

Love you sweet friends, more to come I'm sure. -d

  

When the Heart can't let go....

 

       So, this is our Anniversary month.... and sweet friends.... I don't know how I feel...is that fair? There's just been so much hard this past year, currently, and good...there's been good too, which magnifies the confusion and the hard decision making in our relationship. I had a moment of clarity a few days ago, you know when your head is grappling with a concept and you are trying to learn it, it's right there, it starts to make sense but there's a disconnect somewhere in the mix. Your heart is struggling to catch up to your head and it causes confusion on what exactly the right thing is supposed to look like. That's where I've been for several months, and then the other day, during a moment with my husband, everything clicked together and I got it. Sweet friends, clarity is always good...but sometimes it is also painful. And this moment of clarity, was painful. 

Painful because now I'm forced with moving forward in what I can clearly see is right. These actions moving forward...will absolutely force some kind of change, and I really have no idea what that is going to look like. I've been saying that for a long time now, but this time things feel different...I think because my head isn't as foggy as it was this whole past year. Does that make sense?

Oh I don't know sweet friends.... Every day I get up and just push so hard, with everything in my life. I'm in constant push mode and I really just want to relax, physically, mentally, emotionally...spiritually. I'm so tired but I'm in a tough season and I know that if I stop, if I slow down, I just might crumble under the weight of everything. I don't think I'm right here either.

 "My yoke is easy, My burden is light" 

I'm missing something sweet friends, I'm missing something really crucial and I don't know where to find it. No, that's not true.... it's at the feet of Jesus. I know this. Why can't I get to His feet in this? That's what I don't know, that's what I have to figure out. I run to Jesus all the time, it's my favorite place to be honestly. And I'm kind of baffled at myself that I am having such a hard time with this. What is holding me back from the place I know I need and want to be? And yet, I think my fear of walking in disobedience once I know the truth is what's holding me back. What if the answer to my question of how do I step into God's yoke, strips me of everything I'm working so hard to fix? 

His ways are better than my ways....

Man, why do we struggle so much with what we know is right sweet friends? We are a sinful and selfish people aren't we? We struggle with God over our selfishness all the time don't we? We know our ways aren't better....and yet we death grip them. Why?

I'm mad at myself right now, even writing this because I'm seeing my strongholds right now. I'm seeing the fear that has creeped in and captured me in this. It's not okay. I am not okay. I have to stop fighting God in this because I cannot fix my life, He has to do that. I'm so mad at my husband for refusing to surrender to God but look at me.... in this moment, I'm doing the same thing. My heart might be in a different place, but I'm clearly in a tug of war with God. I can't get to His feet if I'm too busy pulling against Him in this. 

I have to let go. I hate that this has been a common theme this entire past year...let go. I didn't realize how much I was holding onto. God has revealed so many dark and hidden places inside of me already. Not wicked places, just really broken places. And it's been a hard process where every broken piece, has been examined and shown to me. God is healing me...He is. And that's why I KNOW that I can trust Him right now, I know I can. I still don't know why it's so hard to give this to Him. Pray for me sweet friends, my flesh needs to die in this and fear needs to flee. I want to be made whole. I want to have peace and be able to relax inside. I want to be inside God's will for my life. I do. I guess now that I'm seeing this internal struggle a little more clearly today, that's what I need to work on this week, among other things.

I signed up for a women's retreat this weekend. Can I tell you a truth... I don't really want to go. Honestly, it's on my Anniversary and a couple weeks ago when I signed up, I saw it as a way out. I feel bad saying that for several reasons really. I feel like a bad wife. I absolutely know that I'm running away. Normally something like this, I would be rallying women to go with me because that's who I am. But not this time, I have a couple friends that are going to this and I'm sure I'll recognize more once I'm there, I do know a lot of people so I'm guessing I'll know people. But... for the most part, I'm just going by myself. And I know how terrible and cold this sounds, but deep down I'm just kind of hoping to blend in with the crowd and go unnoticed... lol I know, that's terrible. And honestly, I'm not a novice here, I'm sure that won't happen... because that's not how God works sweet friends. And I think that scares me a little too. I've been vulnerable here, I've been vulnerable with a few people in my life right now... but I'm afraid sweet friends.... I'm on the verge of tears now....I don't want to fall apart there, because it's not gonna be just strangers, it's going to be people I know. 

I also believe that even though my intention was to run away for the weekend, I know God too well. I'm not in charge here, and though God and I walk closely together every day, He will have my full attention all weekend. He won't waste it. I'm not afraid of God, I don't know what I'm so afraid of, but it's there. I think my biggest struggle this weekend is going to be in fighting myself, ya know....to just let go. We'll see what happens. I know this hasn't been a real encouraging post sweet friends, but it is what it is today. Appreciate your prayers. I'm praying for you in whatever you are facing, and holding onto, that you too can get to His feet and let it go. 

love ya -d  

Mirrors

        Hmmmm, these past few weeks sweet friends.... have taught me some things. My head is finally starting to clear up a little bit, crazy how foggy things can get sometimes huh? I've felt like I've been in a whirlwind the last couple months but things are slowing down inside and that's been good. I'm not really sure where exactly to start with this post, it's been on my heart to write for about a week now but  life has been crazy busy and well... I can't sit and blog all the time ;) but there's a lot I've been recognizing and learning about myself and I'll try my best to break it down coherently for ya and hopefully some of you can find encouragement here as well. Here we go... 

As I've been thinking over some patterns that have been present in our lives for quite a while... like years,  I've started to understand when things in my heart and mind started to change. It started out from a good place, good intentions, even love... but as I continued to ignore the things that started chipping away at my confidence of who I was and what was acceptable because I believed that love was also "sacrifice", and I was willing to lay my heart down for my husband because he was going through some hard things and I was strong. I knew I could handle it, deal with it easier than my husband could so being a good "helpmate" was priority. I didn't realize at the time, slowly over the years of trying to be a godly wife, that I was losing parts of me in the chaos...and it wasn't until a couple months ago, someone brought that truth to my attention that God wasn't in that. That was a hard pill to swallow.   

The thing is, the more I chose to push myself to ignore the places that hurt, thinking that was okay because I wasn't "dwelling" on them and working on not allowing myself to become "resentful" because of them (which are both good things to not do) those things actually started chipping away at my self worth and I didn't even realize it. I do now, and though I want to keep going back to "how did I let that happen???", the truth is, I let it happen because it happened slowly, over time. Every time I chose to look away so to speak, a little piece of who I was, died. And now I am seeing the full result of that action because now I just "remember" how strong and confident and bold I used to be, and I'm finding it harder and harder to find her again.... in these current moments of uncertainty, which are very much mirroring all the moments I've had before. 

And that has been interesting... like looking into a mirror of the past and seeing it in the present. Does that make sense? I think some things are just memories triggered, but I also think some things are the Holy Spirit shining light in some dark places. It's been both maddening and humbling at the same time. I'm angry at some of the things that I remember, the situations, the actions, the words.... and simultaneously, I'm humbled because so often those moments of sinfulness in the relationship of my marriage....mirrors our sinfulness in our relationship with God.(which truthfully, that's what marriage is a picture of isn't it?)  God has really been teaching me a few things about His heart in all of this. I'm learning more about God's love for us in all this mess, which honestly, is not something I would've guessed would be coming out of this pain. It's deepened my love and respect for my Creator, and let's be honest, it's made it more difficult for me to get super angry with my husband over the same things that I can see as a reflection of my own life in my walk with God. I'm trying to find the right balance between not being okay with things and moving forward with strong boundaries. It's also not that my strength, and confidence, and boldness is completely gone, it's not. It's just buried deep and I am so tired sweet friends that my fight is just so internal I think at this point that what my husband is seeing is just the result of my exhaustion. It might even look to him like I've given up and don't care... but I'm also too tired to explain it to him. 

       What does all that mean right now? Look, honestly, I don't know. I'm still trying to wade through a lot of confusion in the mix of life right now. I have a husband that I love very much. He's making choices. I have to figure out what that means for me. And I simply don't have it all figured out yet. But what I do know, is that I have to get real about me. Because I feel like that is all I really can control right now, so that is my focus for the time being. What is broken, and how do I fix it. More accurately, will I allow the Holy Spirit to reveal and rebuild me into who He wants me to be? That's a bigger question because with that answer comes surrender in so many areas, and more truth. Which sometimes is a lot to handle. But...deep down it's what I really want. It is. 

      My body is also revealing truth to me the last couple of months. That's been rough. It's probably been my biggest wake up call that I am not okay inside. As much as I want to brush things off and not accept it as "trauma" only because I believe there is a depth to that term that I am having a hard time diving into. I'm having a hard time even bringing attention to that word on here because I don't like making my husband look bad, I love him, I am hopeful he can work through his issues, and get back on track....but I am also realizing that.... he acted how he acted and I'm tired of making it out to be "ok". And if I'm gonna be talking to you on here about my journey.... then it is what it is. Right? 

       Another truth that has been brought to my attention through various places, is that a wife is a reflection of her husband. And that totally makes sense. I can see this in my own life. Now I don't mirror his issues, however, plenty of my own have developed during these years of struggle.

 And you know what one of my biggest fears right now is?... that I am toxic to other people. And mainly because of the inner turmoil going on inside of me, and the simple fact that I am still in a hard place which is at times maybe counterproductive to my healing. Being hurt at the same time I'm trying to heal... doesn't make much sense I know, and yet, there are reasons why I am still in this place for the time being, and things I need to work through inside my own heart, I don't want to become a burden to those around me. Vulnerability is part of this healing process God has me on and I am aware of that, my fear that I am finding myself battle quite often, is that I will bring chaos into my relationships by sharing my struggles. Make sense? I don't want to cause stress or worry with my loved ones over my situation. So I don't want to overshare, but I often pull back and don't open up enough either. Tough balance. But at least I'm aware of this sweet friends and I think that's a huge part of being able to move in the right direction with it. I'm praying for a clear head and courage simultaneously when I'm in positions of sharing hard things with people lol but I can't go back to hiding, I'm fighting for my own self worth in this, and I will find it. Not in other people.... but in understanding that I am worth other people's time and care too. And that is not selfishness. I'm learning sweet friends.... you too. 

 It's not about blaming your spouse either, we're all responsible for our own actions. But, if my husband would stop long enough to just look at me.... he'd see a reflection. He won't like it and that's probably why he chooses to not look too closely here lately.... and I get that. It's also why I have determined... that I'm done leading here. If things are gonna change, he's got to step up and be the leader. We had a really good sermon at church today, points that hit really hard with my husband. Points he acknowledged hit hard, which is good. And there was an altar call and an opportunity for prayer.... and I think he might've been waiting on me to say "let's go"... but ya know what.... I'm done leading. Time to step up. Time to put forth the kind of hard effort to change things. Time to protect me. Time to care about my well being. Time to lead his wife. Lead or Lose... this particular battle, is really up to him at this point. And it took me a while to get here, in this place.... where it's okay for me to just step back and see what happens. Oh I have plenty of work to do on my end, lots of things I need to fix in me and that is what my focus will be on for a while, not in a selfish sense, but in a healthy strong restored sense. 

Lots of other things in life recently have been happening, like absurd, completely out of the blue, "make no real sense" things that seem to be geared to try and shut me down.... I own a business, and I am on the verge of growth, like really good growth, the kind that would make a huge difference in my life kind of growth. I've been a business owner/entrepreneur since I was 19... I've got some years on me in this department (no I won't tell you how many... just there's plenty ok ;) )  and I do know good business. And out of nowhere, boom. Chaos from lots of different directions. I see it, recognize it and truthfully it looks a lot like a mirror: of things that are happening in the spiritual realm. So before, whenever I would be on the verge of something big, or growth in the business... something would always happen with my husband. He'd have a crisis of some sort. After a while, I started recognizing the patterns and became more aware of the spiritual warfare taking place in these moments. Now, I don't react like I used to to these crisis'... and I guess the Enemy has caught on and is maybe using some different avenues to work to keep me stuck. I mean, I could be wrong.... but I don't think so. My business growing and moving forward especially right now is very key to my well being and stability. And I very much believe that the Enemy knows that. So.... I'm just gonna push harder sweet friends and roll with the punches and trust God to lead me in the business...it's His anyway.

Something that has been a very tender bit of healing in my life here lately, is how in my brokenness, when I feel so unworthy of people coming to me for encouragement....the Holy Spirit has showed me a mirror of how He can be glorified and magnified inside of our darkest moments. In my obedience to become vulnerable and share bits of this hard journey that I'm on, strictly out of obedience because I really REALLY didn't want to... He has used it to draw out others who are struggling and holding on to silence in their own lives. It has humbled me to know that when I am feeling so lost and unworthy, He can and WILL still use me to bring life and hope and growth to others. I am a leader, not a title, it's who I am, who He has created me to be and even in this.... He is using me to lead others to His feet as well. God has not taken away ministry, He is not only restoring me in it, but building up something new and I believe stronger in this process. And that gives me hope sweet friends, that there is something for me on the other side of this fight. God is not done with me, He's picking me up, healing my brokenness, teaching me more about His heart for me and how to walk in obedience in those places that I once got wrong, and making me new in the process. He is GOOD.

There's been a lot of "mirror" moments these last few weeks. But I am thankful that in all this chaos...I can still see God working in it. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope" He is taking my hand and gently making all the "crooked paths straight" for me again. He is faithful to His promises, His plans, and His purposes for my life... and I will choose to trust Him in this. Correction is hard. It's humbling. And it is necessary in order to make things right between me and God. So I'm gonna keep walking sweet friends, because I honestly don't want to be in control anymore. I'm tired.

        My husband is lost at the moment. I can't explain it or understand it, I definitely don't recognize him right now. But I love him and I will continue to fight for him until I can't anymore. But it helps sweet friends, knowing that some of you will pray for me and for him. Because THAT is the Body of Christ, and I don't have to know ya to know that some of you are walking with me from wherever you are. And I'm praying for you all too. I know many of you probably read this blog, because you can relate somehow. I hope you find encouragement to keep going too. I know it's hard sweet friend. We Trust in the God we know and we learn how to Surrender to Him along this path of Healing and Wholeness. Praying your marriages, relationships, and mostly, your walk with Christ will be healed, reconciled, and restored as you do the hard things to get to His feet and lay the broken pieces down in surrender. Love you sweet friends -d

Hard to Love?

   

       

         You know what sweet friends? I have been seeing this concept quite a lot in the things I've been reading for a while now, and I've often thought to myself, I'm glad I don't feel this way. Until this past month and WOW, this has hit me HARD. And it's so frustrating because I KNOW it's not the truth. I love people, and I'm good at showing people that I love them. This concept should be super foreign to me....but it's not.

I know that the Enemy is definitely working here and trying very hard to hurt me, that is evident, also not surprising right? That's what he does. But what is surprising to me is the power of this thought and how it has gripped my heart and my head and it's like I didn't even see it coming ya know? And I feel like I should've been better guarded against it. 

Now I know that I am not the only one here in this place. I know this, because I am a part of a few private Christian Online Groups and I have seen posts from people who are feeling this very same thing, some of you may even be reading this post... so let's talk about some stuff.

I absolutely believe that trauma affects us in this way. This past month for me, has been pretty hard.  Things have been said to me, awful things that have ripped me up inside, things have even been said about me to others that tried to tear my character apart. Annnnd.... I have felt incredibly lonely and like no one really cares how I am. Now to put that into perspective... I love people, and I love to love on people, and I think the things I have had to go through over the past years has made me more determined to not let people feel alone in their struggles because I do know what that feels like. 

Like many of you I'm sure, I am a Giver. I am really good at connecting with people and reaching out. I'm not afraid to reach out to people, even the hard ones that have a metaphorically 50 foot brick wall in front of them with a sign that says, "go away"... I'll still climb the wall... mainly, because I get it and I know that behind that wall.... they really just want to be cared about and loved too. I am a leader and it is just in me to take the initiative. Plus I've learned.... what do I really have to lose? Nothing sweet friends, we don't have anything to lose by loving on people. Worst case, they push us away and don't want any kind of relationship with us... and that's okay, we just move on. 

Here's the hard part for us.... sometimes we can feel rejected and unlovable when no one ever reciprocates back...right? It's okay, that's a normal feeling. We begin to think maybe we are just too much for people, that they are annoyed with us, we're not wanted and they are just being "nice" hoping we'll get the clue and leave them alone..right? I know sweet friends, I have definitely had moments like this, even recently. I kinda dumped on someone the other day because there was just so much going on and I do trust this person with delicate information...but it didn't change the fact that as soon as I sent the message... I felt terrible, like it was too much, like I was too much. And THAT, now that I've thought about it, I believe is....garbage. 

If someone chooses me, to unload heavy burdens onto because they need a strong hand to hold in that moment of unraveling... I would feel honored sweet friends, not angry. And people do that with me all the time, and not once have I ever been upset with them for choosing me. 

And why would me choosing someone to trust like that be any different? I don't think it is. I think that insecurity and uncertainty in my life right now, has produced these feelings of unworthiness of other people's love and care. 

Sweet friends, especially those of us that are Givers, empathizers, loving people.... we have to fight these feelings... because that is all they are. They are not the TRUTH. And I believe Satan attacks us in this way because he knows how powerful it is to have the ability and drive to really know how to love people. And if he can keep us silent and invisible and constantly questioning our own worth... then that is exactly what he is gonna do yeah? 

So reach out sweet friends, and let's all do this, with NO EXPECTATIONS of people. If they ignore us, fine. If they barely acknowledge us, fine. Because sometimes .... they have nothing left to give. And maybe God is calling us to be the ones to help "fill them back up"...right? Sometimes, He calls us to love on other Givers, and it's easy for us to have expectations of them, and it can feel like they just don't like us if they don't give back... don't do that sweet friends, we don't know what they are going through and we know that Givers are usually the ones that get overlooked, because We are the ones that everybody runs to for encouragement. Givers run dry too... so just pour into the Givers that God brings into your path. Pray for them, love on them, don't expect anything in return... just Give. 

One thing that I am realizing, by all the things I've been reading from broken and lonely people, and my own journey of feeling lost and alone and unsure if I'm really cared about at times.... we have all become TERRIBLE at just reaching out and loving on people. We, especially the Believers... we have adopted the world's theory, that everyone has to come to us and ASK for help. It's sad. Oh there is a small amount of truth there, people need to want help...but where did we go wrong in being the hands and feet of Jesus? We can only love on people, encourage them, help them...if they first come to us and ask? No... that's not how it's supposed to be sweet friends. And self help, we all just counsel ourselves now. We'd all rather sit around reading books how to get through something than find people to talk with about it. And therapy, nothing wrong with it... but that's everyone's answer. The easy answer to everything "go find a therapist". 

I grew up in the church, and I've been in ministry since I was a teenager. And my friend circles all throughout my life... have always been people who love people, and love helping people, and who have solid relationships with Jesus... I am so thankful and fortunate, that I never needed to "go find a therapist"

What has happened to the people of God? Where are they? Honestly, shame on us. I wonder what God thinks of us in this respect. Kinda hurts my heart. We know the truth, we can walk with people in the truth. Sure there is "techniques" and "insights" in this world that help for sure. There is nothing wrong with therapy sweet friends. I personally am looking in that direction, but it's also because... there seems to be NO ONE in my life right now that is willing to just sit down and talk truth with me for more than 5 minutes. And that breaks my heart. Worldly wisdom will only take us so far sweet friends, but spirit filled believers, who walk daily in relationship with God, will take us farther and break more bondages than the most "well educated" worldly options available. Where are God's People?

Why are we so afraid to walk with the broken? I have more messages and people stopping me in public thanking me for what I write, and asking me for advice, and prayer, and connection is what it is. I am pretty blunt with everyone that I don't have all the answers, and no one should be confused that I am learning as I go if they are reading anything that I am putting out. And even though I do not FEEL worthy to give any advice... I will walk with you, and I will dig into truth with you, and I will reach out and let you know, that I simply care and I am here. Because....why would I not do that?

I don't know how the "church" has lost it's fire. I don't know when we started backing off and letting the world handle everyone's problems. I don't know why we are so confused that we don't see God moving among us like He used to. I don't know why we are content not seeing miracles, healings, people set free, people made whole, hearing testimonies of what God is doing in someone's life... (when is the last time you heard a testimony in church even?) Where did we go Believers? 

Maybe we just decided to stop being the Hands and Feet of Jesus to the world around us. And...Who convinced us, we'd be better off leaving everyone alone? 

Who's been convincing us, that we are so hard to love?

Pretty sure it wasn't Jesus. 

Worth a ponder sweet friends, -d 

ps. God is faithful sweet friends. I had a really bad week... and 2 people, reached out to me just to let me know they were thinking and praying for me. (I didn't have to reach out to them and tell them I was having a hard week)  It made a huge difference in my heart. They'll never know the impact their text meant at those moments. But that's what I'm talking about sweet friends... we all need MORE of that. 

Thanking God for the REAL friends He is starting to bring into my life ... He's got some for you too, hang in there. Want to find a real friend??????? Then just be one. The right ones will start loving you back. Be patient. Love without expectations, They'll eventually show up. Love you sweet friends. 

Hands and Feet.... Hands and Feet.