Oh there's still plenty of things I don't have a clue about. Lots of things I still need to figure out moving forward. but today... I'm sitting here with what I do know. And I can't move, does that make sense? And I'm angry with myself, oh not in a pity party type of way but in a "how was I so blind, deceived, stupid?" kind of way. Looking back, I KNEW better...didn't I? How did I let myself get so distracted and become so detached from the truth? I let myself disappear.... and I allowed all these pieces of me to be broken.
The enemy was present no doubt, but somewhere along the line...I let my guard down. I took my eyes off of the truth and allowed him to step in and gain a really powerful foothold. The kind that stopped me from being me.... wow. That was a powerful move on his part, and I didn't even notice till this past year really. And as much as I want to say "and where was God?".... I already know the answer... He was right there, watching me walk into the trap that would start stripping me of precious things. He was there the whole time, through my blindness. I can say without a doubt that He never left me. I'm guessing His heart hurt watching me, not "get it". The part that is really hard right now, is trying to understand why God hid the truth from me when I asked Him about some of these things...see my spirit was right, I began to see things in the mix over the last few years but I never got an "answer" from God when I specifically asked Him if I was right.
Here's the thing... I know even now, one ABSOLUTE Truth... God is NEVER Wrong. So for me to allow myself to become angry with Him because I don't understand this part... it would be a waste of my time. He's not wrong, ever. And if that's the truth, then that can only mean one thing... I am.
So what if.... God doesn't just answer us when we ask the right questions, because it's about how well we actually know Him and the Truth? What if, I already had the answer the minute I asked the right question, I just was looking for Him to answer me the way I wanted Him too, and when He didn't, I allowed my own insecurities to take the lead over my faith in what I knew was already Truth? What if.. I messed up by not just walking in the Truth? These are hard questions, and maybe I'm still wrong in how I'm seeing this. All I know is that it is not God's heart to keep the Truth hidden from us, but it Is His heart that we seek Him, Know Him, and listen. Maybe I should've been listening in more ways than one. I have a lot to learn sweet friends. I'm gonna be talking with God about this part for a while... I want to understand.
As for the rest of the truths I'm facing... I'm not even sure where to start. Cleaning up our messes is never easy is it? Some things I know I can just change and move forward. But some of these places, are going to require more before I can move forward I'm afraid. And... I am afraid. Fear, here it comes again, I see it, I'm aware, it's there and ready to pounce. "Do not be afraid"... I hear the Spirit whispering in my heart... I know what the right thing is... I know I can do all things, even this. My confidence in myself has been shaken to the core, I hate that. But it's part of the realization that I've been wrong, when I didn't think I was wrong ya know? And that makes me question myself way more now. Am I doing the right thing? Am I seeing the actual truth? Am I being distracted? There's a balance here... and I have to find it. Because I can go the wrong direction very quickly if I'm not careful, but being too careful can keep me from moving forward in truth and healing.
Why is this so hard?
I've seen some things this past week, things that HAVE to change. And sitting in the middle of a relationship that has to change on both ends to get in right standing with God...and I can only be responsible for my part in the changing. But my changing will force decision on his part for sure. Is he ready? I don't know. Am I ready? I don't know. Sweet friends, I am the weakest I have ever been... and I feel like I am getting ready to step into the hardest fight I have ever been in. What am I doing?
But what other options are there? None that are good. And I'm tired of watching the Enemy win in our lives. Even more so now, that I've seen more of the truth. It's definitely fueling my fire, I just hope the rest of me can keep up with my spirit.
Deception is a powerful thing sweet friends and it can happen even to the strongest of us. "Guard your hearts above all else" and "Fix your eyes on Jesus"... sweet friends, DO NOT take your eyes off of Jesus for ONE SECOND. Trust me, it's all it takes to get distracted and give the Enemy the chance he's been looking for. It's serious. He's LOOKING for ways to destroy us... we're usually the ones that open the door.
Satan isn't going to win this battle. But, he's done a lot of damage here. He's also continuing to work. Please pray for Shawn. Pray for me. Pray for everyone God is bringing into our inner circle to help us fight. We are nothing special, but the Enemy has done well at keeping us from all the things God has for us... I can see that now.... and now it's time that we fight for our purpose. No more darkness. I'm done playing his stupid games.
Lift your eyes up sweet friends, see the truth in your own battles, and don't quit, we've got this....I'm praying for all of you. -d
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