This place is part of the fight for me I think. It's not personal about people, it's more about what I'm learning about myself through this journey of reflection. I over give to people...period. Is that such a thing? yep it is and it's been a hard and humbling lesson honestly. I also have a tendency to assume people are genuine, (I'm not naive, I've been around many kinds of people all my life) but I tend to think that people care as much as I do for them. That is simply not always the case. And on a normal day, when my life isn't falling apart and I'm hanging on for dear life...it probably wouldn't even bother me who is sincere and who isn't. But right now....I'm learning some hard lessons and dealing with my own emotions of feeling "unseen" by many that honestly...I thought would. And some that I thought God had brought into my life to help me navigate through this. So this disappointment is teaching me boundaries and teaching me how to not lose myself while hoping people will care all on their own, and how to be okay if they don't. I will say, God has used this pain to expose some things in me I didn't realize were there - and for that, I am thankful. I want to be whole in this area too.
A few weeks ago, Sunday, I woke up and honestly struggled hard all morning, getting ready for church, I was angry. All morning I was talking to God about all the things that were ripping at my heart, frustration with how things are, frustration with how I don't know what I'm supposed to do, frustration that Shawn and I are dying in our marriage right now and we seem to be invisible to the people around us, people that know our situation and still remain standing on the outskirts waiting on us I'm guessing to what? I don't know. I feel like we are sheep dying in the pen while we watch solid godly Believers all around us, those that could be mentors, friends, voices of counsel for us...spend their time and energy talking about how they are ministering outside to all the hurting people out there...and it frustrates me so much. Because ....why do we not matter too? I was hurting, and on top of just feeling lost and struggling to walk into the sheep pen that morning without seeming cross to the really good hearted people that we share the pen with... I was also being torn apart inside by the heartache in my marriage right now and I was standing there and our worship leader, (a beautiful soul) made a comment about "needing me to sing for worship) I just politely smiled and panicked a little that she was gonna ask me right there to jump in, thankfully she didn't. I'm angry... I feel so "caged" right now. I in no way feel adequate or worthy to stand in front of anyone and lead right? I do not need a spotlight put on our marriage so I can't ... because I'm married and things aren't good. Now God and I are good. I am working through so many things while holding tightly to His hand and He is bringing healing and restoration to me in the middle of this journey. But I am still held captive it feels in being able to do anything in ministry. And it's a really hard place to be sweet friends. The truth we don't tell people that when 2 become 1... it really means in everything doesn't it?
I could be in the wrong head space here, I realize that too... but it feels like chains, like a cage...to not be able to step out and use gifts that God has given me or a heart for ministry which has always been a big part of who I am, not because my heart isn't right with God, but because my husband's isn't. And yet, standing in front of anyone saying "hey, follow me"... doesn't work either. So I sit still, I remain quiet in the places I want to lead... and yet at the exact same time, I feel the spiritual pull of recognizing that God isn't done with me and I still carry anointing in certain areas and I can see it from time to time. My heart aches and I don't really know what to do with that. And God just seems silent during the questioning....so I just be still and wait. and learn what Trust looks like in this process.
But back to leadership, it begs the question.... if she knows I could be up there helping, and I'm not. Does she wonder why? Is it more important to tell someone how much you "need" them in ministry than to find out the "why" they aren't already? I've noticed this pattern a lot in churches. No one wants to actually get to the root of the "why" people aren't getting involved. I guess I've become the type of leader over the years that I am quick to ask those questions of people and honestly, most people are willing to talk about it. I'm not angry sweet friends, it's just hard to shut off this leader heart even when I have nothing to lead. I can't unsee the holes. And frankly being on this end of things, and realizing that people get left real easy... has honestly probably made me a better leader. God knows what He's doing and I think the fact that I'm not angry or bitter even after feeling overlooked...is a testimony that I think God is in the making and He's teaching me things I never would've seen otherwise.
Like this.... yes, I am frustrated with the "church" because I absolutely believe there should be more intentional care for those in the flock. But.... the Body of Christ is alive and well sweet friends and God has brought individuals from everywhere, to love me. Because the Body of Christ is bigger than our buildings. I have found help in the most unusual places, the first time I felt chains break over the abuse in my marriage and the truth step forward so that I could see it, hear it, and break from the bondage of silence over it...was from my doctor, on the phone. Not inside my church sitting next to people that talked to us every single week... or from a best friend that I met in my shop, that started showing up consistently in my life, so consistent that she herself began to see and notice the little things that led to conversations about the big things... from the new friends I met at a conference that had nothing to do with my church (now there's some leadership that attend, but even in that, they still don't really know much) but God started building me an army of women that seem to care about the details and are willing to pray without me having to ask and all of these women attend different churches and yet, here we are together, doing life ... the Body of Christ is alive and well sweet friends. Should we have to look so hard outside the place we call "church"..no I think we are missing something incredible and precious by not caring well for those inside our walls that God specifically brings to us, if we only knew the battles that most people are facing in the dark and the opportunities we miss to help disciple and lead them to His feet and the benefit of walking with those individuals into freedom and healing then watching God turn around and USE them mightily within the walls of our buildings... I think it would blow us away if we focused on deeper connection with people what God would actually do within our buildings. I think we love to beg God to help us grow as churches and "send us more people" but honestly, until we learn how to deeply connect and care for the ones sitting inside every Sunday, why in the world would He send us more?
These posts are little random I realize that, but this journey I'm on...isn't just about the brokenness of my marriage, it's about all the things God is teaching me and my journey of healing which has brought many many things to my attention about myself, about others, about God...and this is my dumping ground so to speak. So some things will be focused and content will be pointed, and some will be a little bit of whatever I'm thinking about. But my prayer in all of it is that God can use it to encourage your hearts as well to keep seeking, to keep growing, to keep healing and working through the messy, and to keep going... because really the whole point of all of it...is we learn how to get to His feet with everything sweet friends. And if we can learn how to do that....we'll be okay. love ya - d
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