Oh, I'm not completely clueless, life has been hard and some things have been slipping for me in all the chaos, I've just been so tired I guess I stopped caring a little. I need to fix that, not sure how but I'll figure it out. I'm just running on fumes and that makes me cranky at life I guess. Dealing with my own self worth has taken a little bigger toll than I realized too, It's hard to see the world clearly when we can't see ourselves clearly and that's a huge truth. My filter is a bit....skewed I'd say. Feeling like I'm wrong, being told I'm not wrong for doing the right things even though they feel wrong, being told I'm wrong by the one who feels wronged because of the right things I'm doing, knowing that I've been wrong in the past makes me question whether I'm wrong now.....ya know? I'm spinning a bit and everything just "feels" wrong whether it is or it isn't.
Not the funnest place to be right now but, I'm working through a lot of things and I guess for the time being...it is what it is.
I was talking with a friend the other day, and she's been going through a really rough time here lately and I started to give some advice, because I could see it plain as day (always easier seeing other people's solutions huh?) and the Holy Spirit was like sandpaper. I could sense Him in my spirit constantly going "uh huh" as I was helping her see the truth. Of course, I'm very upfront with people I'm giving advice to these days that I feel I have NO BUSINESS giving any advice right now, and every one that I say this to, still seems to want my advice. But at least they know I'm not really worthy. I do not want to be a hypocrite, but I also have a heart for people, especially those that ask for my help... but as long as they understand where I'm at, then I'll give them what I can and hopefully it helps. God's been using this part too though, and as long as we all don't wallow together, there is strength in knowing you're not alone in some of these inward battles. Like the one her and I were talking about, It stung because it's so hard to see the truth sometimes, about ourselves, isn't it?
Man, I will say that I have missed being able to talk things out with friends, just hearing someone else validate, or correct, or simply encourage has been greatly missed. And I realize how much I've missed out all these years of having that support and sharpening. I can't help but still battle these really deep feelings of "loneliness" here lately, even though, there's people in my life... good people. I just have these moments and I can't quite figure them out either. I feel incredibly alone... even though I'm not. I don't get it, maybe it just the enemy trying to pounce. I mean, there's a lot in my heart that I'm not talking about with anyone and maybe that's part of it.... but these feelings have some depth to them and I feel like I need to figure out why. Anybody else surrounded by people and struggle with this? I'm guessing so. Hang in there sweet friends, we are NOT ALONE... we have to remember that, even on the days it feels that way. It's not the Truth.
Speaking of the "Truth"... I'm not liking what I'm realizing these last couple of weeks. The Truth, though it's what I want to see, is definitely taking a toll on me. It's heavy sweet friends. And there are some things I am just, let's be honest... running from. My head and my heart are at war. Could be why I'm feeling so empty...right? Fear.... rearing it's ugly head. I'm so tired. And life is throwing me a few curveballs here this past week, right on the heels of a really difficult weekend, something else came crashing in. And it's so left field... I can't help but think the enemy is orchestrating it. Sometimes, ya just know because things don't even make sense...and here I am grappling with stupidity on top of everything else. And I will choose to carry myself the way I ought to, not the way I want to. I just kinda wanna yell... at everybody lol. Ever been there? Yeah.... hanging on by a thread today, but I'll make it. Because I refuse to let Satan win in any of this. I don't "feel" like I have any fight left in me, my cup is empty, I just want to quit honestly.... but I know I can do all things, through Christ...and He is the One that will make everything in my life finally make sense one day. I have to keep going sweet friends. I have no idea what the outcome will be and that terrifies me, but giving up, on myself, scares me more.
Know what else? I feel really lost right now. I saw a quote the other day about how our old friends, ya know the ones who've been with us since forever, have a great way of "reminding us who we are"... and it stung a bit, because I'm realizing in this current season for my husband and I, no one here really knows the old us. No one here "remembers" who we were, who we've always been, our history ect. No one is here to "remind me" who I am. To help anchor me in all this chaos. And it's kind of leaving me feeling very...alone I guess. Everyone I'm meeting now, is meeting the broken version, the tired version, the version that just wants to give up some days.... and I don't know how to show anyone who I really am, because... I kind of can't find me. Does that make any sense? You'd think for some people it might feel like a "clean slate" or "blank canvas", an opportunity to be who you want to be with people. But not me, I feel almost "counterfeit", because I feel so lost. It's hard. I'm sure things will start clearing up for me eventually and I won't feel so lost inside but until it does, I'm just hoping people can at least tell that I do love Jesus and maybe even in all this mess, He can still get the glory. My biggest struggle with this part, is the urge to just pull away from people till I figure myself out, but it's a tug of war because I also know that God is nudging me towards people because that's part of His plan for my healing and restoration. I know He has friendships forming for me that I deep down know I desperately need and I know I need to walk in faith on the days where I'd rather just hide.
How do you find your self worth, if you can't seem to find yourself? I don't know sweet friends, but I'm gonna have to figure it out somehow. Because I definitely don't like where I'm at with all of this today. Sweet friends, If you've been here, or maybe you are here in this same place... my heart hurts for the emptiness you are feeling or have felt. I believe it's just a season of change, and we can find our way out of the dark. "Your Word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path"... we need to find our source here sweet friends. He is our answer and if we seek Him even in the dark, we will find Him and we can TRUST at least that right now. Everything else can flow from that.
Love you -d
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