He is my Shepherd. And it's beginning to resonate in my heart now. I needed Him to show me this aspect of who He is ....to me. It's been the sweetness wrapped up inside all this turmoil and bitter learning, He has not forgotten me...and more than that, He is leading me into safety, whatever that looks like.
I am feeling so broken here lately sweet friends, and I hate that honestly. I thought by now, things would be moving in a different direction for me. And they are not. I am scared, I'm not gonna lie. Everything right now, feels like it is falling apart. And....the things that I have been trying so hard to hold off, to allow more time to get fixed...those things seem to be unraveling right in front of me and they are happening without my consent....they are coming at me whether I am ready or not. It's a sickening feeling to not be able to stop them...I'm not ready to face these things.
My identity has been shredded the last few weeks and I am feeling every sting of what I thought was "truth", crumble into pieces and I've been left holding onto the harsh reality that I was never as strong as I thought I was. That's been a hard pill to swallow. I've made some really bad decisions, decisions that have shaped my life....that honestly, have brought me right here to this current place. I wish I could just throw all the blame onto someone else...and there's plenty of blame to go around...but I wouldn't be in this position today if I would have understood some things better in the beginning. If I saw myself differently way back then...
Dear younger me, hold fast.
I let go of things that never should've been let go of. I allowed this underlying need to feel "wanted" to drive some decisions that I made. I knew better too...and still, somehow, I convinced myself to lay down my defenses, to set aside certain boundaries, to let myself get distracted by what I thought I "should" do instead of what I knew was right. And it cost me.
Dear younger me, don't let fear guide you.
I was afraid. All the "what ifs" flooded my thoughts. I felt the pressure of the unknown and I made decisions based on the fear of missing out, getting left behind... also, you know what? I think the fear of not being "enough". That line has always seemed so overused to me, honestly, I've kind of always internally rolled my eyes at that phrase.... kind of humbling now, to be sitting here realizing that that stupid line, has actually been my background music for a good portion of my life. I'm embarrassed by this truth. I'm equally embarrassed that it has taken me all this time, and frankly all this heartache...to actually realize it. What have I been doing? I know this sounds pretty rough... not a real uplifting post at the moment, but these are some harsh truths I've had to come face to face with the last few days. I'm mad about it. I have not lived my life in fear... I've had many many good things happen throughout my life and throughout my marriage. But I'm realizing some things... and realizing that I have made decisions for my life, out of fear....has been a big one.
I'm facing decisions today...and that same crippling fear is staring me right in the face. And...I know I have a choice to make here, is it weird that I feel as though I'm making a choice not just for today and my future, but also for every single moment I sat down under the weight of this same fear and let it lead the way instead of recognizing it's ugly face and stomping it firmly under my feet? What does "redemption" look like in moments and places like these sweet friends? Can the wrong decisions somehow be redeemed? Freedom comes through obedience, yes? And yet, I am not 100% sure what God is asking me to do right now. Maybe it's because I'm in the middle of everything and I can't see clearly enough yet, maybe it's this desperate attempt in me right now to hold onto hope that things will change, that promises made will be kept, that I'll just "wake up" and realize this wasn't real and things aren't actually this bad. wishful thinking, I know. But the truth of what I wish does complicate the now. One of the hardest lessons I've learned this past year is that so many times we "wait" for God to give us a sign, tell us with a burning bush what we need to do, give us some sort of direction....and the simple truth is....He already has. We often know the truth, the way....we just want "reassurance" that it's right. But that's not really how God works is it? The painful truth is that He will stand back and watch us choose the wrong thing, because we can. It's our job to know His heart, and to actually walk in the truth we already know. No second guessing, no excuses...just obedience.
I'm struggling here sweet friends. I know I'm running, I'm hiding my face, I don't want to see the truth in some things....it's painful and I'm just not sure at the moment how much I can take. But....the truth is what sets us free. I want to be free. Free...another beautiful word, but sometimes a costly road to get there too huh? I think that's something I'm learning in this journey. God is thorough with us. He can do things in the snap of a finger, and sometimes He does, but He is not rushed in the process, He takes His time, drawing out the roots of what has captured us, He heals along the way, one pruning at a time, gently and fully, all while holding us as He exposes the problem and we release it to Him in surrender to fix. And that is what safety feels like.
Safety....another word I'm realizing, I know nothing about really. Which is probably why God is handling me the way He is. I believe this has played into my fear of the unknown as well. What is it really like to "feel" emotionally and mentally "safe", physically "safe" in every environment all the time? Hmmm, I hate admitting that but when I sat here and just thought about it....I honestly can't remember. I don't like that. That is the opposite of what God promises us...and I've been living in the opposite. Right? "For I know the plans I have for you....not to harm you...." I think I've missed a few things and now I have to figure out how to fix it.
Dear younger me, stop abandoning yourself.
This one....man, looking back I'm not even sure when exactly this started or even why it started. I sat a few weeks ago, on my bed...looking at my closet. I'm not kidding, everything in it was black. No color whatsoever. I just sat there, staring at it and wondering, when did I start trying so hard to disappear? I can't remember when it started but I know it did. If you knew me at all, you'd know that is a huge statement. I've always been surrounded by people, I've always had a lot of friends, I've been a leader since I was a teenager, spoken in front of huge crowds, performed in front of huge crowds, won competitions, had newspaper articles written about me many many times, I've owned 2 businesses with lots of people and interactions..... I used to be okay with standing out, being noticed....not in a prideful way, if you knew me at all you'd know I was often running the show but pushing others out into the spotlight while I ran things from behind the scenes... but I also wasn't afraid to be seen. When did that change? I have made myself invisible on purpose...and that makes me sad. It's not really my personality yet here I am, trying to hide. And I think that's what self abandonment looks like for me. Just slowly disappearing into the background, staying quiet when I have things to say, I let the spontaneous side of me die, I told the risk taker side of me to just sit down... and honestly that's just part of the abandonment I've realized lately, the other part is much deeper... I stopped acknowledging the things I needed, things like time and consideration, understanding, people to actually notice me, physical needs that I put aside, hopes and dreams, stuff I really wanted to do and accomplish... I let those things go because I thought I was being "noble" honestly, "laying my life down" for others so to speak...but it wasn't noble sweet friends, it was honestly just me dying a little bit at a time until one day... I realized I couldn't find me anymore. And that has been a scary feeling. Oh I'm still here, God is breathing life into these dry bones and calling things back to the surface.... but it's been a hard realization nonetheless. And I'm not just referencing abandoning myself for my husband, but for a lot of people over the last decade at least.
The lesson I'm trying to learn and hold onto now... My needs matter too. It's okay to take up space. It's okay to be seen and heard and acknowledged.....and valued. (You too sweet friend)
Dear younger me, your value....belongs to you.
Ouch. This has been the most painful. I know I've talked about it before but it just keeps resurfacing in all these painful places that need to heal. How quickly and easily we hand our worth over to other people or things. Why do we do that? We know better, and yet we what? get sidetracked? lose our brains? We start attaching our worth to unpredictable and untrustworthy people and things. And more importantly, how do we take it back? I'm stuck here today, I want it all back, every piece I've given away and accepted something else in return. I can't go back....but how do I fix it? How do I get out of the way of my own heart and let God fix it? How do I walk through this valley right now, feeling all the things I'm faced with, all the things that honestly are making me "feel" as though I am not worth fighting for, that all the things I've sacrificed...don't really actually matter. How do I stand up here?
I feel lost in this place, of knowing where my value is found, and yet something is just missing. Is it just "surrender"? I'm maybe not sure how to surrender this? What is that supposed to look like here? Speaking truth over ourselves? (good idea always) but is that it? How do I lay down the pain of this place? What does that look like? And moving forward today....how do I start taking control of my own value from this day forward, what exactly does that look like?
The point is sweet friends, I don't know. Everyday I feel like I'm learning just how little I actually know about life but I think the important thing is...we keep asking God those questions, because I think that is what keeps our hearts from hardening in all the mess and hurt.
Dear younger me, it's okay to question things....
I knew God's heart, and I knew the Truth of what His Word said....in part. Because I allowed what I grew up believing about marriage to dictate what I believe was absolute truth instead of sitting at His feet and questioning some things that were destroying me. So I just stayed quiet about it and accepted those things and somehow internalized them in a way that me feel like I was wrong. God allowed me to do that, and that has been something I have had to reconcile in my own heart with Him. It angers me, but I understand my own free will. I still have a couple things that I am deeply wrestling with God about right now but I know the truth that He is never wrong...so I know I have to get to a place of surrender there as well. And He is patient with me in this. It's okay to question things that we know in our spirit are not right sweet friends. This doesn't mean that we get to make the rules or change scripture to better suit our wants and desires and that's a super popular thing in our "christian culture" right now and it doesn't work that way with God. But we need to stop brushing things aside when deep down we know it doesn't align with God's heart. I made this mistake so many times and looking back, my heart aches for the times I almost had it right, it could've changed the coarse of my life if I would've just trusted my spirit & the Holy Spirit, who was there the whole time, gently calling out the truth but I didn't listen.
I'm questioning so many things right now...it's a little overwhelming at times, doubting everything I hear or perceive. Even the words "I love you"...aren't carrying much meaning for me today. That's been a hard one and new development, but I think it's just because I'm so raw right now and because I'm questioning what is actually real and what is not, with everyone.
I will find the truth in all things, because that's my heart's desire. I want to walk in truth and God will be faithful in helping me know what is right and what is not...whatever this process looks like.
Dear younger me, .......be patient with yourself.
This one... this has been one of the most humbling lessons God has been gently teaching me these past couple of years. I didn't realize in my younger years how much i felt the need to rush my growth. Kinda sounds weird but, I was definitely kind of hard on myself in some areas that I think if I would've slowed down a bit, maybe I would've accomplished more inside ya know? When this particular season of my life started, going through all this with my marriage, I wanted God to just heal the broken parts so I could move forward. I got a little angry at the beginning of this journey, but as I've walked it, I realize the wisdom that God has in His timing of things...I wasn't ready for some of the things I had to deal with. I was already broken and if I would've rushed through them, it probably would've destroyed me..I can see that now. I'm more patient in this valley today, and some things I'm not even touching until I feel like I can handle it or God nudges me (probably with a little force honestly) because I understand the severity of my situation...much more than I did 2 years ago. I'm scared of what lies ahead... but there is also a freedom in knowing that God will move me forward in the right timing and I guess that's one less thing that I have to worry about right now. I hate not knowing what lies ahead for me, but I'm comforted to have met up with My Shepherd here in the dark. And I'm learning that He has made it safe for me to lay down and rest in the middle of this painful journey and I don't have to push myself to get to the other side until I'm ready.
I think that's it for now sweet friends, there's always more to share but I'll save that for another day. Thanks for walking along with me on this journey. I'm sure you're here because you can relate to many of these words. I hope your hearts can be encouraged today...we don't have to have all the answers, and I'm thinking sometimes we may never even understand all the whys...but let's just keep our hand tightly in His and let Hm lead us slowly through the dark and through the healing. We can trust Him because He loves us and even in all the past reflections sweet friends....when has He NOT been faithful? Never.
Praying for you all. -d
