Dear Younger Me.....

       Oh sweet friends, the last few months have been really hard. I have been writing a blog post this entire time, but I haven't published it yet, because I'm still right in the middle of it, in the ick, trying to sort it all out inside and more importantly...get to a place of surrender with it. So I'm taking a break from that post and I'm gonna write some things down that I have been walking through here lately on this journey. There are days that I feel like I have made progress in the dark, and honestly some days I feel more lost than ever. But .... I know that I might be lost in all of this hard, however, God knows exactly where I am...and I find comfort in that. It's amazing how God has been using the theme of the Great Shepherd throughout my journey... and I was pondering that the other day, way back, before God told me He was gonna be taking me on my own journey....I had been talking to Him so much about how I felt so "shepherdless".... no pastors, no leadership from my husband, no one else in the Body of Christ that cared about me and whether or not I was okay. I felt so alone and I was even a little angry at the time over it all. It's been really apparent here lately how God, in this journey, has made one resounding point over and over again to me...

He is my Shepherd. And it's beginning to resonate in my heart now. I needed Him to show me this aspect of who He is ....to me. It's been the sweetness wrapped up inside all this turmoil and bitter learning, He has not forgotten me...and more than that, He is leading me into safety, whatever that looks like.

I am feeling so broken here lately sweet friends, and I hate that honestly. I thought by now, things would be moving in a different direction for me. And they are not. I am scared, I'm not gonna lie. Everything right now, feels like it is falling apart. And....the things that I have been trying so hard to hold off, to allow more time to get fixed...those things seem to be unraveling right in front of me and they are happening without my consent....they are coming at me whether I am ready or not. It's a sickening feeling to not be able to stop them...I'm not ready to face these things.

My identity has been shredded the last few weeks and I am feeling every sting of what I thought was "truth", crumble into pieces and I've been left holding onto the harsh reality that I was never as strong as I thought I was. That's been a hard pill to swallow. I've made some really bad decisions, decisions that have shaped my life....that honestly, have brought me right here to this current place. I wish I could just throw all the blame onto someone else...and there's plenty of blame to go around...but I wouldn't be in this position today if I would have understood some things better in the beginning. If I saw myself differently way back then... 

Dear younger me, hold fast.

I let go of things that never should've been let go of. I allowed this underlying need to feel "wanted" to drive some decisions that I made. I knew better too...and still, somehow, I convinced myself to lay down my defenses, to set aside certain boundaries, to let myself get distracted by what I thought I "should" do instead of what I knew was right. And it cost me. 

Dear younger me, don't let fear guide you.

I was afraid. All the "what ifs" flooded my thoughts. I felt the pressure of the unknown and I made decisions based on the fear of missing out, getting left behind... also, you know what? I think the fear of not being "enough". That line has always seemed so overused to me, honestly, I've kind of always internally rolled my eyes at that phrase.... kind of humbling now, to be sitting here realizing that that stupid line, has actually been my background music for a good portion of my life. I'm embarrassed by this truth. I'm equally embarrassed that it has taken me all this time, and frankly all this heartache...to actually realize it. What have I been doing? I know this sounds pretty rough... not a real uplifting post at the moment, but these are some harsh truths I've had to come face to face with the last few days. I'm mad about it. I have not lived my life in fear... I've had many many good things happen throughout my life and throughout my marriage. But I'm realizing some things... and realizing that I have made decisions for my life, out of fear....has been a big one. 

I'm facing decisions today...and that same crippling fear is staring me right in the face.  And...I know I have a choice to make here, is it weird that I feel as though I'm making a choice not just for today and my future, but also for every single moment I sat down under the weight of this same fear and let it lead the way instead of recognizing it's ugly face and stomping it firmly under my feet? What does "redemption" look like in moments and places like these sweet friends? Can the wrong decisions somehow be redeemed? Freedom comes through obedience, yes? And yet, I am not 100% sure what God is asking me to do right now. Maybe it's because I'm in the middle of everything and I can't see clearly enough yet, maybe it's this desperate attempt in me right now to hold onto hope that things will change, that promises made will be kept, that I'll just "wake up" and realize this wasn't real and things aren't actually this bad.  wishful thinking, I know. But the truth of what I wish does complicate the now. One of the hardest lessons I've learned this past year is that so many times we "wait" for God to give us a sign, tell us with a burning bush what we need to do, give us some sort of direction....and the simple truth is....He already has. We often know the truth, the way....we just want "reassurance" that it's right. But that's not really how God works is it? The painful truth is that He will stand back and watch us choose the wrong thing, because we can. It's our job to know His heart, and to actually walk in the truth we already know. No second guessing, no excuses...just obedience.

I'm struggling here sweet friends. I know I'm running, I'm hiding my face, I don't want to see the truth in some things....it's painful and I'm just not sure at the moment how much I can take. But....the truth is what sets us free. I want to be free. Free...another beautiful word, but sometimes a costly road to get there too huh? I think that's something I'm learning in this journey. God is thorough with us. He can do things in the snap of a finger, and sometimes He does, but He is not rushed in the process, He takes His time, drawing out the roots of what has captured us, He heals along the way, one pruning at a time, gently and fully, all while holding us as He exposes the problem and we release it to Him in surrender to fix. And that is what safety feels like.

Safety....another word I'm realizing, I know nothing about really. Which is probably why God is handling me the way He is. I believe this has played into my fear of the unknown as well. What is it really like to "feel" emotionally and mentally "safe", physically "safe" in every environment all the time? Hmmm, I hate admitting that but when I sat here and just thought about it....I honestly can't remember. I don't like that. That is the opposite of what God promises us...and I've been living in the opposite. Right? "For I know the plans I have for you....not to harm you...." I think I've missed a few things and now I have to figure out how to fix it.

Dear younger me, stop abandoning yourself.

This one....man, looking back I'm not even sure when exactly this started or even why it started. I sat a few weeks ago, on my bed...looking at my closet. I'm not kidding, everything in it was black. No color whatsoever. I just sat there, staring at it and wondering, when did I start trying so hard to disappear? I can't remember when it started but I know it did. If you knew me at all, you'd know that is a huge statement. I've always been surrounded by people, I've always had a lot of friends, I've been a leader since I was a teenager, spoken in front of huge crowds, performed in front of huge crowds, won competitions, had newspaper articles written about me many many times, I've owned 2 businesses with lots of people and interactions..... I used to be okay with standing out, being noticed....not in a prideful way, if you knew me at all you'd know I was often running the show but pushing others out into the spotlight while I ran things from behind the scenes... but I also   wasn't afraid to be seen. When did that change? I have made myself invisible on purpose...and that makes me sad. It's not really my personality yet here I am, trying to hide. And I think that's what self abandonment looks like for me.  Just slowly disappearing into the background, staying quiet when I have things to say, I let the spontaneous side of me die, I told the risk taker side of me to just sit down... and honestly that's just part of the abandonment I've realized lately, the other part is much deeper... I stopped acknowledging the things I needed, things like time and consideration, understanding, people to actually notice me, physical needs that I put aside, hopes and dreams, stuff I really wanted to do and accomplish... I let those things go because I thought I was being "noble" honestly, "laying my life down" for others so to speak...but it wasn't noble sweet friends, it was honestly just me dying a little bit at a time until one day... I realized I couldn't find me anymore. And that has been a scary feeling. Oh I'm still here, God is breathing life into these dry bones and calling things back to the surface.... but it's been a hard realization nonetheless. And I'm not just referencing abandoning myself for my husband, but for a lot of people over the last decade at least. 

The lesson I'm trying to learn and hold onto now... My needs matter too. It's okay to take up space. It's okay to be seen and heard and acknowledged.....and valued. (You too sweet friend) 

Dear younger me, your value....belongs to you. 

Ouch. This has been the most painful. I know I've talked about it before but it just keeps resurfacing in all these painful places that need to heal. How quickly and easily we hand our worth over to other people or things. Why do we do that? We know better, and yet we what? get sidetracked? lose our brains? We start attaching our worth to unpredictable and untrustworthy people and things.  And more importantly, how do we take it back?  I'm stuck here today, I want it all back, every piece I've given away and accepted something else in return. I can't go back....but how do I fix it? How do I get out of  the way of my own heart and let God fix it? How do I walk through this valley right now, feeling all the things I'm faced with, all the things that honestly are making me "feel" as though I am not worth fighting for, that all the things I've sacrificed...don't really actually matter. How do I stand up here? 

I feel lost in this place, of knowing where my value is found, and yet something is just missing. Is it just "surrender"? I'm maybe not sure how to surrender this? What is that supposed to look like here? Speaking truth over ourselves? (good idea always) but is that it? How do I lay down the pain of this place? What does that look like?  And moving forward today....how do I start taking control of my own value from this day forward, what exactly does that look like? 

The point is sweet friends, I don't know. Everyday I feel like I'm learning just how little I actually know about life but I think the important thing is...we keep asking God those questions, because I think that is what keeps our hearts from hardening in all the mess and hurt. 

Dear younger me, it's okay to question things....

 I knew God's heart, and I knew the Truth of what His Word said....in part. Because I allowed what I grew up believing about marriage to dictate what I believe was absolute truth instead of sitting at His feet and questioning some things that were destroying me. So I just stayed quiet about it and accepted those things and somehow internalized them in a way that me feel like I was wrong. God allowed me to do that, and that has been something I have had to reconcile in my own heart with Him. It angers me, but I understand my own free will. I still have a couple things that I am deeply wrestling with God about right now but I know the truth that He is never wrong...so I know I have to get to a place of surrender there as well. And He is patient with me in this. It's okay to question things that we know in our spirit are not right sweet friends. This doesn't mean that we get to make the rules or change scripture to better suit our wants and desires and that's a super popular thing in our "christian culture" right now and it doesn't work that way with God. But we need to stop brushing things aside when deep down we know it doesn't align with God's heart. I made this mistake so many times and looking back, my heart aches for the times I almost had it right, it could've changed the coarse of my life if I would've just trusted my spirit & the Holy Spirit, who was there the whole time, gently calling out the truth but I didn't listen. 

I'm questioning so many things right now...it's a little overwhelming at times, doubting everything I hear or perceive. Even the words "I love you"...aren't carrying much meaning for me today. That's been a hard one and new development, but I think it's just because I'm so raw right now and because I'm questioning what is actually real and what is not, with everyone.

I will find the truth in all things, because that's my heart's desire. I want to walk in truth and God will be faithful in helping me know what is right and what is not...whatever this process looks like.

Dear younger me, .......be patient with yourself.

  This one... this has been one of the most humbling lessons God has been gently teaching me these past couple of years.  I didn't realize in my younger years how much i felt the need to rush my growth. Kinda sounds weird but, I was definitely kind of hard on myself in some areas that I think if I would've slowed down a bit, maybe I would've accomplished more inside ya know? When this particular season of my life started, going through all this with my marriage, I wanted God to just heal the broken parts so I could move forward. I got a little angry at the beginning of this journey, but as I've walked it, I realize the wisdom that God has in His timing of things...I wasn't ready for some of the things I had to deal with. I was already broken and if I would've rushed through them, it probably would've destroyed me..I can see that now. I'm more patient in this valley today, and some things I'm not even touching until I feel like I can handle it or God nudges me (probably with a little force honestly) because I understand the severity of my situation...much more than I did 2 years ago. I'm scared of what lies ahead... but there is also a freedom in knowing that God will move me forward in the right timing and I guess that's one less thing that I have to worry about right now. I hate not knowing what lies ahead for me, but I'm comforted to have met up with My Shepherd here in the dark. And I'm learning that He has made it safe for me to lay down and rest in the middle of this painful journey and I don't have to push myself to get to the other side until I'm ready. 

      I think that's it for now sweet friends, there's always more to share but I'll save that for another day. Thanks for walking along with me on this journey. I'm sure you're here because you can relate to many of these words. I hope your hearts can be encouraged today...we don't have to have all the answers, and I'm thinking sometimes we may never even understand all the whys...but let's just keep our hand tightly in His and let Hm lead us slowly through the dark and through the healing. We can trust Him because He loves us and even in all the past reflections sweet friends....when has He NOT been faithful? Never.

Praying for you all. -d

A heart that can see....

 

     Two weeks before the Encounter... I was doing my devotions and I ran across one of my letters. For the past several years, whenever things were really bad, I would write a prayer for Shawn and stick it in my Bible. I figured one day, I would give them to Shawn as a testimony of answered prayers. Anyways, I pulled the letter out to read it and I heard God say "it's time to get rid of those", which caught me a little off guard, and I thought, do I just give them to Shawn now? and I heard God speak to my heart "these are between you and Me"...and He was right, these were my desperate cries between Him and I, I just always thought I'd one day give them to Shawn. So I said, okay.... and was getting ready to just pull them all out and throw them in the trash, and God stopped me and said, "not yet, at Encounter"

Now, the thing about me, and if you've been walking with me in this journey, you know that I try to be as quick as possible to act in obedience when God tells me to do something. To get rid of things right away ya know? So, it felt uncomfortable to sit with this for 2 weeks, I couldn't understand really why. 

but.... I know the voice of God, so even though I was struggling with the concept a bit, I said...okay. 

Here's the thing...  during that two weeks as I kept wondering about the timeline, I became more aware of the amount of spiritual warfare circling about so to speak. And I started realizing that maybe that had something to do with God not wanting me to throw those in the trashcan at home. Now I don't even remotely understand how the spiritual realm works. I've dealt with spiritual warfare situations most of my life, I also know God has given me insight and discernment in this particular area however, with everything that I have learned, I am still very aware that I really know nothing lol. But, it was starting to make more sense the more I thought about it. And I believe that I was right, a sweet sister in Christ and one of the leaders told of a vision she had while at the Encounter of Angels forming a hedge of protection so to speak over the sanctuary ect, and it deeply resonated that this was a "safe" place to lay down those letters. 

The other part of the wait, I don't think I was completely ready and God knew I needed more than just tossing them all in the trash that day. I was able to sit with those letters over the weekend and actually read them before letting them go...and I discovered a couple things I needed to see. 

1. Some of those letters, dated back 5 years. Same prayers I'm praying today. That was eye opening. Frustrating. Angering. Discouraging. but eye opening.

2. There was a recurring theme inside these letters...every. single. one. I was begging God to make me a better wife. To help me change to be a better wife. and on the very last letter I read, there it was again... Lord, help me be a better wife.... and I heard God speak to my heart and He said, "you need to let that go too."

You know what's crazy? The last Encounter I was at, I had written something down on a piece of paper, a little paper that was meant to be laid down at His feet....but I just couldn't do it. I held it for the entire weekend and I just couldn't let it go. I didn't really think it was a big deal at the time really, I just ....stuck it in my Bible too. Kind of ironic, but I pulled it out and read it again.... and the whole thing was my apology to God for not realizing that I was walking in disobedience to Him all because I was trying to be a better wife. I let that paper go too...

There was no hoopla when I decided to walk up and lay them down. It wasn't even during one of the "moments" designated to do it. It was just in a quiet moment that I finally felt ready to let them go and everything they represented in complete surrender to whatever the outcome God decides and I definitely have felt some things breaking free in me since that act of obedience.

I can't fully explain what letting those all go actually feels like. It's been a few weeks now and I still don't have a solid handle on it. I feel the freedom for sure. Strength in holding these harsh boundaries. A peace and contentment that has replaced guilt for feeling "mean" or "uncaring" as a wife while setting harsh boundaries and making myself a priority in healing. And then there's the unsettling side of it... those letters, I've always thought they were going to be a "testimony" of what God brought us through... and now I'm sitting here with questions. I know I can't linger here, it won't be productive because I do not know what the future holds and I know that God is good and I can trust Him even in this. But my humanness wants to know...what does "letting go" of those letters really mean?

Things at home now..... are different. My days are different. And my emotions, are a bit of a rollercoaster honestly. Not like out of control, but just a mixture of being able to breathe and sort of finding me a little bit again (sounds kind of cliche but it's not) I've felt so numb for so long that that is starting to change here in this place. I caught myself smiling while I was mopping my floors the other day, just content in my home...it was a good feeling. Then I cried later because I miss my husband and I'm lonely. And this is still our house, "he" is still tucked in these corners. I've found myself moving his things and gathering them together and placing them downstairs...part of me feels guilty doing that but it's also painful to have everything laying around when he's not here. It's a weird and painful place to be honestly and I hate it. But I keep reminding myself that this is the right thing for now. Things have to change, I need healing and a space to do that in. I have peace during this hard time, so I know God is in it and I am being obedient. Still hurts. 

    And the conversations .... don't hold much depth anymore...know why? Because I'm not driving them. That's been a really hard realization, and not just in my relationship with my husband but in so many of my relationships, which honestly just adds to my loneliness. And shows me one more area that I need to change in myself. Which is....just stop. Stop leading conversations, stop being the one to always reach out, stop making myself believe that I am important to people and let them show me that I actually am. I don't mean that as harsh as it sounds, there is a balance, we are followers of Jesus and we love on people regardless of whether or not they reciprocate, and we also understand that there is a world of hurting people out there just like us, and they may not have the capacity to love back the way they should right now or truthfully, some people may be doing the exact same thing of trying to test and see who genuinely cares about them... so I'm not talking as a whole....just in the places where I feel like I do have to be someone they "need" in their life in order for them to care about me. Didn't realize I did that till God and I started doing some work, now I'm embarrassed to admit that I am a little desperate to feel loved in some ways. 

The important thing is that I am aware of this now and I need to be on guard to not let the Enemy get a stronghold here. Yes, I am hurt that I don't seem to matter to people I thought cared, but it's more a brokenness over the lack of genuine care in people than being angry with anyone. I'm really not angry with people or even resentful, just disappointed really. And I've definitely lost some respect for a few people this year that as leaders, should be doing a better job at genuinely caring for people God gives to them.  You know, it would be one thing if I held people responsible for what they don't know, like if I didn't tell anyone what is going on in my life then be upset because they never ask me anything. But that's not at all what I am talking about here, I HAVE talked to a few individuals, spiritual leaders, specifically about some things in my situation, I've even flat out asked for help especially for my husband.... and nothing. That's what I'm disappointed in sweet friends, and that's the part I have to battle when I make a decision here on out on whether or not to open up any more to anyone. I think I am so exhausted that the effort and emotional toll it takes on me to share the heartache, just to have someone look at me and offer to pray which I will never knock that, it's so important...but what I need, is someone willing to walk with me in this a bit, someone that will pray but that will also let the Spirit lead them in encouraging me or helping to anchor me in this chaos where the Enemy is relentlessly trying to take me down and my husband. I need hands and feet. And I don't have the energy left to just "share" my struggles to be ignored. I don't need a babysitter, clearly....but I need godly friends, mentors, help. And for that, I'm now testing the waters to see who is actually willing to put their feet in the mud with me. I don't need flaky...I need solid. warriors. genuine friends. I don't respond to "how are you?"... if someone wants to really know, they'll really ask. And you know what? I will gladly, effortlessly tell them the truth. Because I don't want to hide and I don't want to make people work hard to get to know me, but I'm learning that I have to filter through people to find those who have the capacity to walk with me in this. This journey isn't for everyone, I do believe that God has put it on people's hearts, because I do a lot of praying before I share things...and when nothing happens when I do share, I don't think it's on my end... I think that's a battle between them and God. I literally had someone tell me the other day, that they think of me and my situation often, and they've thought about asking me things, but weren't really sure they actually wanted to know. And I appreciate that honesty. And truthfully I understand it, because they have a gift and they haven't quite learned how to walk in it yet... I do not doubt for one second, that I was supposed to tell them about my situation...I believe God wanted to use them in their gifting...but God does not force us to surrender, we have to choose to do that. And that is between them and God. So again, I'm not angry with people...I'm just super tired of being disappointed when no one shows up and that worldly mantra of "no one is coming to rescue you, you have to save yourself" keeps playing in the back of my mind because it absolutely feels true.....but it's not sweet friends.... the Truth is... the Body of Christ must surrender to the leading of the Holy Spirit and be willing to be hands and feet, even when we don't understand it, when we feel ill equipped to handle it, when it's easier to just let somebody else get dirty and we just want to go into our closet and pray at a distance. But that's not how God works sweet friends..... He is our Rescuer...He is our Savior.....but 9/10 times, He uses His Body to do the work of Rescuing through His Spirit working all things for good, for the one hurting and the one being used to bring healing.

I'm thankful for these hard lessons...because without them, I would've never known that we are lacking in the department of deep connection. And what an important and crucial part of the Body of Christ. I pray this prayer all the time intentionally..."Break my heart for what breaks Yours God"..... and He does.

and those kind of prayers, break our hearts sweet friends. It's not a bunch of cute words. It hurts bad. Because it hurts our Father's heart bad. This incredible ache that I have to "belong" in the Body of Christ, to "feel" loved and supported, to "need" them to hold me up at times when I am crumbling inside... His heart aches for His Body to love one another as He has loved us...and when we "miss that"... we all miss out on the incredible blessings that flow from His heart when we truly understand what it means to "love one another deeply."

The question now is.... not, am I gonna get angry, but rather, what can I do about it in the Kingdom?

Yes, I feel so broken right now, yes I feel incredibly unworthy to actively "do" anything of importance in the Kingdom, I don't want any type of spotlight on me right now or on my marriage, I don't feel fit to lead anyone.  But I can continue to walk in surrender as God continues to work in me and heal the wounds and show me my faults, all while fixing my crown. And I can choose to love deeply and continue to fight against the Enemy's lies that we have to do all this on our own. There may still be plenty of days when I feel this way, but I can still hold on to the Truth. That God is Love, and His heart for His Body, is that we do not walk this journey alone. I will choose to love people in spite of the hard days. I hope you will too sweet friends, let this be our prayer from the depth of our souls... 

 Lord, use me. 

Finding my "Place" of Worth...

 

        Well, today I am packing for another Women's Encounter. I am going by myself. And...I am looking forward to the break from reality. I know God and I are gonna do some work, I'm not sure what that's going to look like, I don't feel like it's going to be anything real dramatic, I could be wrong, I'm not God and I don't know what He has planned but I just feel like I'm gonna have a few days to just sit with Him in all of this. It's been hard at home these last couple of months with everything going on, just having time to sit and process. I talk to God constantly and I listen, but just sitting with it all and no interruptions...hasn't been happening, I have so much going on it's hard to just stop and sit. So, I'm hoping this weekend will help me just get some clarity of where I am at in life with all of this. I am praying that God will just anchor me. I'm also hoping for some anchoring connections... I personally feel that would help steady me in a lot of this if I could find some godly women that are willing to walk with me a bit in this. But I'm also determined that if God wants someone in my life like that, He can make their feet and mouth move just as easy as I can move my own, I'm not begging for people to care enough to literally get in the trenches with me, and not everyone is cut out to walk this kind of road, I definitely don't want the wrong people getting involved. And that's okay, I think it's a good place to be. I'm not desperate, I'm not angry, I know that God has placed in my heart a space for people in all of this and that is the only reason I even talk about it because I know what He has softened and opened in me in being willing to let others in, I just want God to move people in and out of my life according to His will.  I'm just hoping that maybe He's got somebody in mind. I've got a lot to work through the next several months and a sounding board of wisdom would be so helpful. Pray for me sweet friends, I just want God to be in control of all of it. I want to be content somehow in the midst of this hard season and not feel like I have to walk this particular path alone. We'll see what happens. God will still be faithful to the work He is doing in me and I will trust whatever that looks like. 

How are things going? Well, Valentine's Day was....hard this year too. It's just a day, and getting wrapped up in the hoopla of it isn't emotionally smart anyways. But I'm finding that I no longer like hallmark love stories, or cute romantic movies...they kinda hurt right now. Didn't think of that until I was watching one the other day...ended up in tears halfway through it. I think it's just a good indicator that my heart hurts right now. And that's okay. Life is not okay right now. My husband is present in my life but we couldn't be farther away and that is super painful. I'm feeling quite numb sometimes and I think it's just part of the journey. I am trying to remain hopeful that things will change but right now, I just remain numb as I watch the confusion play out on the other end... there's not much more I can do at the moment to help someone "understand", so I guess I'll just keep working on me and wait.

 I've realized over this past month really, that there is a deep loneliness in this type of surrender. Some of you I'm sure have experienced, are experiencing, this and you know exactly what I mean. And it's not really a loneliness that can be remedied by anything else I don't think. Sure, other people in our lives can help dull the ache a little bit but the loneliness itself comes from the brokenness of the relationship. And I think it comes from realizing just how much of our own identity was wrapped up in that other person. It's been a rather humbling realization for me... I placed more of my worth in someone that I shouldn't have. One, it's not his responsibility to carry my worth at all, but also, what was I doing? Allowing myself to place some of my worth into his hands? It kind of baffles me a bit that I did that over the course of our marriage. I've always been close to the Lord and I know where my worth comes from, and yet.... over time, moments of insecurity, hard places....I started shifting pieces of my worth over to a source that can't sustain it. That was stupid on my part for sure and I'm still scratching my head why I didn't realize that was happening till the last couple of years, how did I not notice?

You know what's really frustrating? I would tell my husband all the time that He needed to run to Jesus because I wasn't the source of his worth. I did, I would tell him that all. the. time. And yet, here I was, continually handing little pieces of my worth over to my husband, until one day I realized just how many pieces I had given him to hold. Aggravating. No wonder I feel so broken. Yes, my husband has a lot to do with that....but so do I sweet friends, so do I.  

Which has had me contemplating a lot this week in moving forward with my husband... I can't ever make that mistake again. And this is where learning is gonna come in during this process right now in our marriage. Separation is good right now on many levels...this one included. I need to get my head right and I need to recognize each part that I gave away and get those pieces back to the feet of Jesus. Sounds easy, bet it's not though lol. It's alright, I'm already in the hard, I might as well tackle a few more pieces. But sweet friends, our self worth is SO important... where we place it is SO crucial for our well being. And I think us recognizing how quickly we can give it away to people or things even that should never hold it in the first place, might be the first step in healing. There is a good lesson here, yes it's a painful one, but the Enemy knows how to tear us apart doesn't he? And the kicker, he doesn't come at us like we think he will... he comes at us slowly, nudging, poking, deceiving with words that draw our attention and shift our focus, words that draw out our insecurities...don't they? And a false sense of safety in the midst of our shaking.... and bit by bit, we .... start handing over precious things, out of our own free will...because we didn't see it coming and we don't recognize the truth of what it is, mainly because we're wrapped up in our own emotions. And that's where we have to sharpen up sweet friends. We need to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus... and the minute we start shifting our focus...we catch ourselves and check ourselves and make sure we're not placing important pieces into hands of anyone else but God. 

Tough work ahead.... but we can do it sweet friends. We just get determined to fix our eyes. The Holy Spirit will help us do the rest. So I'm gonna work on fixing my eyes this weekend, and I am praying for all of you, that you find some time to ponder your own eyesight and ask the Holy Spirit to help you get your worth back into His hands because His hands are the ones that created you.... He will always hold your worth in safety.

Love you - d

 

The "Sacrifice" of Praise......"Sacrifice" of Joy......let's get real.

 

Hey sweet friends, it's me.   Man, I have tried to sit down several times last month and type something...but the words just wouldn't, couldn't come out. Sitting in the hospital room with my dad for several days, my heart just felt too heavy. Sitting alone at home, my head felt too full. Grappling with all the pressures of my business during slow season, consumed every free thought I might have. This month has been so heavy sweet friends. To be completely honest right now.... I am worn out and angry....and grieving some things that have surfaced this past month. I'm gonna share with you all where last month took me and where my heart currently is.... more vulnerability, I'm tired of fighting against it...it is what it is and Satan thrives in the hidden places.... I'm not playing his games either.

So this January....went like this....

     You all know my Dad had been sick and missed Christmas. And Shawn had been staying with him so that he wasn't alone while he was getting better (we thought he was getting better)... anyways, during the weeks between Christmas and Dad taking a turn for the worst, God had been revealing some hard things to me. So several weeks ago, the spiritual warfare in my home changed. I'm not really going to go into detail here cuz it's not necessary, but if any of you are in tune with spiritual warfare (which we all should be by the way... but some of us walk in giftings that deal with more of that) then you will understand what I'm saying. Something new showed up.... and came after me one night, God was quick to intervene and I physically felt the safe arms around me as soon as I took the hit to my body. Pretty awesome once I wrapped my head around what had just happened. But God started speaking to me about anointing my home with oil for the purpose of my own protection from what just entered the scene of our lives. I honestly, struggled with what He was asking me to do, not because I didn't trust Him, of course I do, but because of what I understood could happen once that spiritual boundary line was set in this home. Because, I'm not the one letting this thing have access to our lives....and the thought of what could result on the other side of that boundary line, had me fearful (I'm still battling this) for my husband. But I have to let go of control and let God deal how He sees fit. 

Sometimes I hate what obedience asks of me. I hate how the simple sounding word of "surrender" can actually feel more like flesh ripping off my bones as I lay whatever it is down at His feet. 

But even in my internal struggle....the Holy Spirit kept confirming His plan, and calling me into obedience. One of the godly women I do Bible Study with, who knows absolutely nothing about what is going on in my life and definitely nothing about my fears with my husband or the instant danger I was finding myself in with the demonic realm....through tears, spoke out a verse that the Holy Spirit had given her for me.... and right there were the exact words of confirmation that I needed to hear once again that this was getting dangerous and I needed to be obedient now.

Here's the thing, Shawn had been staying with my dad already for a little over a week....and my home felt peaceful. For the first time in a long time, I could breathe here. My mind cleared and my body started to actually relax a little. I HATE writing this ..... because it's the gritty truth. It's a truth I don't want to admit to anyone. Because I don't want it to be the truth. I've fought so hard for it to not be the truth. But I haven't been able to breathe all year sweet friends..... and I need to breathe again. 

So as the days at home got clearer, and as I just sat with God, broken and tired again....still....whatever at this point, He just continued to speak to my heart about the truth of needing to let go and trust Him in it...completely. 

You know the thing about "trust"? we think we've "arrived"....until God asks us to trust Him a little more...and we realize those words "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders" (Oceans by Hillsong United) sounds pretty....but brings in the question...what are the borders of my faith? How far are we actually willing to let God lead us? That's where I am today. Answering that question, and trying to get my flesh where my spirit wants to be. It's hard isn't it sweet friends?

So, I made a decision, as the oil came out, as I simply said to God as I was standing in my living room, "I don't know what you want from me, lead me in this" it wasn't anything dramatic, I walked around my house anointing as I felt led, praying.... and in true Holy Spirit fashion, those prayers started unlocking and breaking things like fear, and guilt for laying down harsh boundary lines where needed, I began to feel strengthened to stand firmly in this battleground of my marriage and fight against the real enemy here, which is unseen. And the strength to tell my husband, that he won't be coming home until he works some things out that he needs to. I have to protect this temple from being destroyed anymore. I need to heal without constantly being hurt in the process. And most importantly, I have to step out of the way and let God deal with my husband. This is obedience. This is hard....but I will stand firm here.

I told my husband, strangely he took it well. A little too well which makes me uncomfortable but just confirms that it's the right decision right now. The next day.... my Dad ended up in the ER.  

It's been a whirlwind since that day.  We are already a few days into February, and my mind is still so full it's hard to find a solid perspective. Does that make sense? Shawn hasn't been home since we all got back. We still pretty much talk every day and we see each other in passing between Dad's and the Shop and him occasionally stopping here at the house for something he needs. It's been a whirlwind of emotions for me, I'm not gonna lie. I think I've felt about every emotion you can have. But my home....is peaceful sweet friends. And I can think here, and in this obedience I'm starting to find some rest for this weary body and soul. So for that, I am thankful even in this hard.

This is a lonely road... one you would think after being in isolation and not telling anyone anything ever, this wouldn't be that hard to go through. You would think it would actually feel more freeing to be getting out from underneath the constant hurt, even if no one is around to talk to about it. But the interesting thing about healing... there comes a point where I think we are designed to need other people. Which makes sense and frankly, is probably why God talks about rejoicing and mourning with each other. There's healing in being loved and cared about. I think when we are in "survivor" mode, our protection is the lockdown, we close up and it gives us a false sense of security and safety (because it's absolutely not safe) but when God starts peeling back those layers of hurt in our lives, we need love and care to help us heal in safe places. It's a hard balance that I have not figured out yet. I want so badly to have friends to walk with me through this hard but at the same time, I want to champion my husband and not speak the ugly things and yet... I can't really do one without doing the other. And I think I'm still in the "I need to protect him at all costs to be a good wife" mode. I don't think I'm right... I just haven't found the safe place yet I don't think... I don't know. Hard call.

God has definitely started placing people in my life that I can see are going to have purpose in my journey. I wish I KNEW exactly what that was for each of them. I've determined I'm going to let God lead in that department too and not rush ahead and beg for friendship even though there are a few I really think I could glean from in all this but if it's not God's plan, I don't need to complicate my life any more than it already is. Plus....I'm too tired to give these pieces away to people who really don't want to know anything, I don't have the strength or energy to pour out just for prayers (even though prayers are absolutely vital and I'm not knocking that at all) but if I'm gonna lay out the hard stuff... I need to not feel brushed off know what I mean? So I am just being super careful who I give access to the painful parts. And that's been a hard decision too, I have a wonderful Bible Study that I attend with some amazing godly deep women. And a couple weeks ago, I was battling hard, fighting the tears back and I stayed real quiet during the study because I felt fragile, like if I started talking, it was just gonna come spilling out. And I made it through the study without breaking down....until I was getting ready to leave and a sweet sister just happened to ask me how I was and give me a hug and sweet friends, sometimes God just knows how to break a bondage (always follow the spirit's leading cuz ya never know what people are dealing with) anyways, that's all it took and I was in pieces, surrounded by praying women in the middle of a battle they have no idea how devastating it has become. But God is faithful....

I wanted so badly to just share with these solid godly women what I am actually dealing with. I think I would feel so much better if I could talk about some of this stuff in a room full of wisdom ya know? But the only thing that is holding me back is this feeling of uncertainty that sharing and exposing my husband is the wrong thing to do. But is it? I've been grappling with this concept all last year... is it honorable or enabling to keep his issues (though they are the ones reeking havoc in my life and in part destroying me) private? My heart is hopeful that he will get things figured out and back on track and if that's the case then I don't want to cause him any more heartache in the process. The other part of this is, if I knew that there would be people that would actually reach out to him and try to help him in the way he actually needs it, I don't think this decision would be that hard...but, there are some people that do know about what both of us are going through... and they've all just managed to keep their distance..."praying" for us I'm sure, but sometimes God needs us to actually BE hands and feet...and I think way too many people are simply afraid to get involved. So if I tell....and everyone just keeps their distance, I'm afraid I'm just going to feel like I betrayed my husband instead of actually getting any help. So part of me is honestly just waiting for someone to actually care enough, to reach out and ask. I think that's pretty simple.

I am so sick of this worldly mantra of we all have to save ourselves cuz no one is coming...blah blah blah. What makes me angry...it totally FEELS true. It shouldn't be. Biblically it's not. Which honestly makes it a lie from the pit of hell which way too many people are sinking into the message and frankly bondage of it, and people like me are fighting so very hard to remember that it is a lie and not the truth, even on these hard days where it feels like genuine care for one another doesn't actually exist. 

We have to fight sweet friends. There's an element of truth that yes we get a little hardened from life... I can feel it happening to me, and I don't think anything will ever be the same. HOWEVER... simply accepting this part of things and not working hard to stay tender in our hearts, towards God and yes even towards other people...is unacceptable as followers of Jesus. For us to allow ourselves to become so hardened that we ..... allow our hurts, to once again drive us into more isolation. Which is so clearly the Enemy's plan when it comes to hurt. We have to allow God to show us how to protect our hearts, have wisdom, and also remain tender towards people and not make it so difficult for others to enter our lives that we actually end up missing out on the healing that God is trying to bring us through His Body. We need discernment and a willingness to let the right ones in.  

 Right now, I just feel.... alone. Totally lost in how I'm even supposed to proceed. I "feel" too tired to care. I know that's not the truth, but it's what I'm sitting with currently. Do you know what's crazy? I walked in obedience in anointing my home and doing what God told me, and my home...feels safe. But every other area in my life has gone crazy. My workers, pretty much disappeared from their jobs, or backed off in the month and time I needed them all the most...that has been so stressful and honestly has felt defeating...I've literally had practicing witches trying to get their merchandise into my store, products that seemed to honestly fit in well and be a great addition to my shop on their applications, but because of the check I felt in my spirit that I needed to research a bit further, led me to the truth of what was laying underneath the surface ... I can see the Enemy trying to work. The spiritual realm is fascinating isn't it? The attacks were coming at the homefront, God intervened, I obeyed...and apparently the battleplan shifted... these things, aren't just normal everyday coincidences...these look and feel strategic, I'm thankful for discernment and the Holy Spirit's caution and leading in several things. He is still very much in control even in the midst of my exhaustion and the chaos around me. 

 I am aware that what the Enemy is after, is my surrender. And there are brief moments where, it's so tempting to just give up because I am so tired. But Satan doesn't deserve my surrender, only God does and only He will get it. 

Do you remember the old chorus "We bring the sacrifice of praise, into the House of the Lord, ...and we offer up to You the sacrifices of thanksgiving, and we offer up to You the sacrifices of joy...." and it's all upbeat and fun to sing. People always clapping and swaying to the rhythm... anybody else remember it?

Yeah that song has been stuck in my head all week.... and it's kinda made me mad to be honest. Oh it's truth for sure, it's Biblical, pretty much every word in that song echoes scripture. But the beat... what a false representation (that's just my anger talking...I know it) There is nothing upbeat and clappy about bringing God a SACRIFICE of praise and joy.... it's called a "sacrifice" for a reason isn't it? It's painful and hard to praise in the midst of hurt and anger, it's painful to find reasons to be thankful when you feel like your life is falling apart and people are trampling you right and left.

Surrendering our emotions over to God in the midst of our darkest nights...when we just want to give up....is hard sweet friends, you know this. And yet, it the type of sacrifice that is required of a life fully surrendered to God. Not because He is a cruel and greedy God, but because He loves us sweet friends, and He understands the bondage our emotions when not surrendered can become to us. It's okay to feel. It's okay for me to be angry and tired right now. It's even okay that I feel the weight of everything that's coming against me right now and it makes me "feel" defeated.... what's not okay, is that we give in to the lie that we are defeated. We are NOT sweet friends...that's the Truth of what God says to us. So we have to embrace the Truth and not the lie. We have to get up. We might have to get up screaming, but we get up and fight. 

This has not been the most uplifting post I know, but it's been a really hard month and I'm trying desperately to bring the sacrifice of praise and joy to my Creator. Because this world is not my home, and whatever I walk through here is only teaching me more about who He is to me. I don't know how people survive at all without Him. They survive, but not well. I want to walk through this dark painful place still able to sing "It is WELL with my soul." And that is the goal in all of this. 

"Lord, don't let any of this destroy my soul. Help me finish well and faithful."

Love you sweet friends, let's keep our eyes on Jesus. We need Him. -d

An unexpected "feeling" of breakthrough.

     

     Something unexpected happened last night, I'm still in it, still processing it, it's still incredibly raw. I don't really want to blog about it but I really feel a stirring in my spirit that I need to, whether it's for me or for you I have no idea but I'll be obedient even in this raw moment. Bare with me I guess as I process.

We've had a hard week, with Dad being sick, our schedules have all been changed around and you make adjustments to do what's needed. Shawn has been staying with my Dad and so we haven't seen each other really and I've had the house to myself all week. It's been nice. That sounds mean I know, but there's not peace in my home and I can't ever seem to actually "rest" when I'm home. It's not loud, Shawn is incredibly calm. Too calm. Which unnerves me in and of itself, because under that "calm" is complete turmoil. I know it, he knows it, both of us feel it. I'm a processor, I'm a problem solver, and I don't like to stay stuck in places that I know aren't good for me (I say that now after years of putting up with what has not been good for me....some things just took me a little longer to realize I guess) but my husband likes to just ignore issues and hope they change on their own apparently, he keeps waiting for things to "change" and refuses to understand that he actually holds the key to that. Or maybe he does understand that...I don't really know anymore. Regardless, my nervous system doesn't handle that well, and "calm" is anything but "calm" to me. So it's been nice not feeling that all week ya know? And that makes me a little sad at that realization at how much "calmer" I feel at home by myself.

He called me last night, it was hard. He's been so good to go and take care of Dad, to sacrifice his comfort for the well being of my Dad and knowing that I need to be taking care of my business, ect. But at the same time.... here it came, a dumping of all the responsibility that we'd been talking about for the last 3 weeks...not just this past one week where he sacrificed his time for my Dad, but the last 3 weeks that I told him I simply cannot take care of everything and begged him not to add any more pressure to me but just take care of his share. And in true fashion....he didn't do anything to take care of anything and at the last minute, while doing a good deed, dumped the responsibility in my lap, once again. And didn't understand my reaction in the process, a calm reaction it was... but not the one he was expecting and one I'm sure hurt his feelings. And I sat there after he quickly said goodbye and got off the phone... and then it happened.

You know how this entire past year, on this healing journey is what I've been calling it, cuz it is, doesn't always feel like healing but that's what God is doing, this past year I've dealt with the feeling of disappointment, in my husband for treating me the way he did, for not changing to be better, for not leading the way he should've, for not running to God instead of away from Him only causing himself and all of us more hurt, disappointment in myself for not seeing things more clearly, for getting distracted and taking my eyes off of God and allowing myself to become someone who embraced lies and allowed them to change me, for putting up with things I knew were wrong. For hiding and isolating.

I've dealt with the feeling of frustration, learning how to "let go" and understand that there are things that I have absolutely no control over whatsoever, learning to be okay with not being responsible for other people. Frustration over what "Could" change with effort, but "won't" because of pride...and learning how to step out of the way and let pride take the fall even though it hurts to watch the pain of those decisions and it hurts me and everyone else who don't deserve the consequences but are close enough to feel them. Frustration in realizing just how much selfishness is present and dealing with the understanding that your place in people's lives aren't as "important" as you thought it was.

I've dealt with the feeling of anger... this was a hard one, trying to keep myself on the right side of not sinning because of the anger ... for the most part, I was able to walk in God's grace during this, still am walking all these feelings out, so I haven't arrived yet and some days are definitely harder than others. I often recognize the Enemy in this particular battle of emotions, trying to get me to slip up here and jeopardize my character. He's easy to spot on this one, the others not so much, those are usually subtle moves but it takes an awful lot to get me angry, and he usually has to use other people to do so, mainly my husband...so usually easy to see it. But even without heated moments, I've had to deal with anger over the situation. I'm angry that we're even in these situations, because we shouldn't be. We know better. We know what the right thing to do, we know WHO holds the answers and the ability to help us change and rise above the chaos...I'm angry that is rejected all the time and I'm angry when I hear about the consequences of doing things on our own. I'm angry over stupid decisions and pity parties.

But this new feeling....surprised me last night. It was like something happened and a new level was "opened".... I realized something, I've been numb sweet friends. Numb. I knew that, but what I didn't realize was that numbness reached way deeper than I thought. I know it's been a survival mechanism, that makes sense, there are days that I can feel it, I usually just acknowledge it and keep moving through it....but I've been numb and it's like, God pulled open a new layer to this healing and it's..... 

Hurt. I FEEL the hurt now. I can FEEL the wounds that I've been carrying. It is painful. The tears I'm crying bare more weight this morning....and that makes sense to me. I've struggled with some things on this journey, not understanding why I'm not more upset about some things, why I'm too tired to pray anymore about some things.... but this, this makes sense now.... I couldn't feel them. God's timing sweet friends... He knows and He moves us in ways we don't understand. I'm glad I couldn't feel this earlier... I don't think I could've handled this earlier. It's painful now, and I don't like it.... but I needed to feel this. Because we are hitting roots. And I need to get things out by the root. I'm also feeling the ACHE of my marriage. That's new. I've been so tired sweet friends, just making it through each day and trying to work through, disappointment, frustration, anger, trying to hold on to hope..... but I've felt confused, I think because I was numb.. some days I just went through the motions of what I knew was right, but I just didn't feel anything. You know, God talks about "practicing" obedience, oh don't quote me today but you can look it up, it's somewhere in there... and I think that makes sense.... because faith isn't about feelings... and it's not about "works".... it's about obedience and we don't need feelings or works to match up in obedience does that make sense? It's about a heart condition always, but our heart condition doesn't have to produce the "right" feelings in those moments... I mean, our heart can posture in surrender towards the truth and obedience of what God calls us to do... and our feelings and our works can catch up. "Be ANGRY but DO NOT SIN in your ANGER".... we can BE angry and still NOT sin. Heart posture. 

Faith is hard isn't it? Because I'd say MOST of the time, we don't understand do we? But if we choose to be obedient and take His hand and let Him lead us in the valley, in the dark... everything will catch up as it's supposed to according to His plan.

I think one of the hardest things that I've had to mentally overcome, and really I just kinda put all these pieces together right now, My biggest FEAR (ask those who've been closest to me throughout my life, they could attest to this) has always been....THAT I WON'T REACH MY FULL POTENTIAL IN CHRIST. THAT I WON'T COMPLETE HIS PLAN FOR MY LIFE"

My life verse, most favorite "For I know the plans I have for you..." it's humbling because... I feel like I've failed my deepest desire. Because I've realized....this wasn't God's plan for me, and I can't believe all this time of being destroyed by the enemy, by my own bad decisions, and at the hands of others...I allowed myself to not walk in obedience and reach my potential in God's plan for my life. I did that.

My heart is breaking over that, and I can feel the weight of that right now too  . But I also know that the weight of that, is not the TRUTH of how God sees me right now. And though my emotions are not in alignment with how I will walk today... I will choose to walk in obedience and in the Truth of how God sees me until my emotions align with that truth. I've already sat here and rebuked FEAR... because I felt it's grip at this realization this morning. I will not give it a stronghold. I will Trust the ONE who brought me to this level... the ONE who just exposed the ROOT, the ONE who KNOWS me, Who CREATED me, and WHO STILL HAS A PLAN FOR ME. 

I am broken today sweet friends, and today I can FEEL the ache of my brokenness, but I also know that now... I can work through it and I can "let it go" at the root. I know today is just the beginning of this stage, and I feel like I'm starting tired... but it is evident that God is leading me through this process and clearly He is in charge of the timing. So I will take His hand and let Him steady me in this. 

just an obstructed peek at the canvas

Oh sweet friends, I really don't know if me telling all this is really for me to be vulnerable and obedient
to God in this journey of healing, I realize that this blog is a document of my journey... I didn't really know what God was talking about when He told me to share it on here... I thought it was more about Him teaching me how to open up again and stop hiding.... but I think it's so much more than that (which is no real surprise with God is it? lol) But I realized the other day, my blog coincides with my canvases... which never was on my mind... but kind of amazing to see as well. God is a great Counselor, and the way He brings Healing and Clarity and the way He shows us... How He is in it all, orchestrating and perfecting, and holding us... is pretty humbling and it's been so encouraging to SEE Him in my canvases, and in these blogs....He cares for us sweet friends, He is in the details of our lives, He takes the time to notice us and walk with us. 

And maybe, blogging this isn't just for me, because God doesn't generally make things one sided either so I'm guessing... all this vulnerability is for someone out there too... going through some hard on your own. Be encouraged sweet friend. You are not alone. You pray for me in the days ahead... and I am praying for you. Let's keep walking. Healing is coming. love you -d 

oh...it's also New Year's Eve.... you know what... I'm just gonna keep walking. One day at a time. My ONLY goal this year.... To be Obedient and Abide in Him. Talk to you all next year. ;) 

December

 

        Ahhhh December, last month of the year. Where did this year go sweet friends? Anybody else wondering that too? The older we get, the faster life moves doesn't it? One of those things as a child we never realized was such a blessing...the slow passing of days. We always wanted to "hurry up" and "grow up" didn't we? What we wouldn't give for those slow passing days now huh? I guess I am glad I've made it to December lol, this has been quite a year hasn't it? A lot of pain, a lot of realizing things, so much changing, and for me personally, a lot of internal reflection and growth for sure. So a very very hard year, but a year full of growth and for that I am thankful as I look back at where I once was. I hope you can be proud of your growth too sweet friends, we made it to December. If nothing else, Celebrate that. 

So my life update this month....

       Shawn forgot about my birthday lol and you know what....I'm not even upset about it. Is that weird? I mean, I'm not a child, I don't really care about birthdays anymore, in fact a couple years ago when I entered a new decade...I sort of didn't handle it well inside. It was a hard birthday, and since then, I just don't really care much about it. But I don't know... he told me he forgot it was my birthday and I just didn't have much of a reaction ya know? I think I might be more concerned that I'm not upset about the fact that I'm not important enough to remember...what does that even mean sweet friends? I don't know.

I keep thinking I should be sad, or mad, or resentful even because the last few days honestly have been emotionally trying... but at the end of the day, I just feel tired.

I also feel super guilty for having a rough Christmas... anybody else feeling that way today? I think I feel guilty because I recognize all the blessings in my life right now and I feel like those should somehow trump the brokenness I feel right now. I personally know several individuals that are going through some very heartbreaking things, saying goodbye to their loved ones right now, right before Christmas...I can't imagine what that must feel like. I have so many things to be thankful for right now...

My business is doing so well, it's been fun, and exciting, and so many encouraging things have been happening with it, so much promise for the future. I'm so thankful that God is using this business to grow me in this journey and to use it to provide stability for me which is huge right now. God has began to develop friendships and bring people into my corner to give me a sense of belonging and hope that I can find "home" again. He has began using me to reach out and love on people and have some meaning in my life and turn the hard things in to good for His glory.

So many good things to be thankful for...and yet, I just feel so broken this month. Can those two things really coexist? Thankfulness and Brokenness? Is it okay to simultaneously feel both? There are moments here lately that I am doing my best to hold it together but on the inside I feel like I'm crumbling. Which on one hand, makes me feel guilty that I can cover that up so well... am I being deceitful to the people around me? or is it wisdom? To walk closely to the Lord in the breaking moments and rely solely on Him to see me through them, to hold me together till I can breathe again...would telling other people in those moments take my full reliance off of God and place my reassurance in the hands of someone else? How do we know when involving others is the right thing to do? Is it pride? I don't know sweet friends, I think back over the past decade of my life when things started getting harder, and I feel that my main reservation in keeping things hidden was 1. to protect the dignity of my husband. and 2. I wanted to protect our witness. I knew Satan would jump at the chance to take us down and at that time, the struggles happened only within the walls of our home, so it felt isolated and somewhat controlled and I thought as long as I just kept my eyes on Jesus, concealing the hard was the right thing to do.

Was that pride just convincing me it was noble? It's hard looking back and questioning all those decisions which I thought were right at the time but now that I realize that some of those decisions weren't right, I find myself second guessing everything I thought I knew to be truth. I know this is a common response during a healing process....doesn't make it any easier though. I want to figure out what the truth actually IS. I want to work past all these confusing parts. 

A part of me is a little angry.... it's been a year since the blow up that started us down this rough year ya know? I'm angry that I don't feel farther along in the healing. I'm angry that my husband isn't better. Quieter for sure...but not better nor willing to try to get better. I had hopes that a year later... things would look much different than they do right now. I know I've changed a lot this year, for the better but I still feel super stuck. And I've been waiting for a couple other things that God definitely spoke to me, but I haven't seen them really come to fruition...I've seen enough to know that He is working in them, so it's enough to not question what I know He spoke to me, I'm just impatient I guess. I just feel lost in all this and wish a couple of those promises were fulfilled already so maybe I'd feel a little less wobbly. That probably doesn't really make sense does it? That's okay sweet friends, some things are just between God's voice and my heart, bottom line.... I'm impatient. prayers appreciated. I made a promise to God that I will let Him lead His promises and I will not take control and try to make anything happen on my own. So I'm keeping myself in check. I don't want to be in charge, I want to trust Him with the timing... He is trustworthy and I will submit to His plan. 

Christmas....oh boy, I decided just to let the month play out before I posted on here, this season has been so busy for me at the shop, I haven't had too much time for anything else. Our shop looked beautiful this year. I love Christmas, always have. People kept asking me, "I bet your house just looks gorgeous?" lol...no I did nothing at home. I did tack a few Christmas pics up on my wall along with the other pics I hung up last month. But no tree. no lights. no outside cuteness. nothing. and that's okay. I had plenty of Christmas at the shop to get me in the spirit. I told Shawn at Thanksgiving that I really really wanted a Christmas tree for the house and I kept saying it till mid December and decided that even though I could've went and got one for myself, it wasn't the point. It's okay, I survived. 

Christmas came... and ya know what... it was hard. And the hard came in very unexpected ways. I was preparing for Shawn to have a meltdown like last year. I was ready for that, or anything that might flip a switch and I was careful to try and keep things honest but pleasant leading up to Christmas ya know? I'm not afraid to say it like it is with Shawn, I'm done walking on eggshells. But...I'm not trying to rock the boat necessarily either. I don't want to hurt my husband and I know him well enough to know that he's got internal struggles going on as well and is not happy with himself.

But it wasn't Shawn that caused turmoil this Christmas. It came from both sides of the family right at Christmas. I was caught off guard for sure and you know what? It threw my nervous system off completely. Man, that was hard to mask sitting amongst family. There was a moment, when I honestly thought about just walking out the door. Sweet friends, I am caught in this place where I am so tired of drama...and I know that's healthy to not want to deal with drama, that's not really new for me, but I am kind of amazed at how AWARE I am now of the drama around me. I think I was in such a survivor mode for so long that I didn't process things correctly and was just numb to those things I guess. Or the little things just didn't faze me because I was always preparing for the big things. That makes more sense. But now, as I've been on this healing journey, I'm quicker to recognize those things, probably because I'm noticing how my body just responds first to danger. My body has definitely been my biggest wake up call for sure. And I think the hard work is taking my body's responses and then analyzing them and making sure that I'm not just responding to what "appears" to be a threat. That's hard work sweet friends, our body's triggers, are there because of what we've gone through, it's our defense mechanism and in some ways, it's protected us...but a lot of damage has been done in those responses and we need to not live in them. We MUST retrain our bodies and minds to be safe and healthy and that takes a process and it forces us to acknowledge what is happening, what triggered it, and what is the TRUTH right now, in this moment? God does not want us living in survival mode. His yoke is easy and His burden is light....THAT is the Truth of where we should be living. It's a journey. I don't like it. But I do not want to live with my body constantly on alert and my nervous system the last few days has been so uncomfortable and hard to deal with. 

And then..... my dad....84, has been so sick this week and refusing to go to the doctor, so add that pressure of taking care of him and worrying. He missed Christmas, which was hard, how many Christmases do we have left with Dad ya know? And so many people I know have lost their loved ones this past month to illnesses, some sudden illnesses and boom, within days they're gone. And here we are, watching my dad so weak which is never the case, and so stubborn and coherant enough to know what he wants and does not want and knowing where that line of respect and action are is hard isn't it? He seems to be getting better, Shawn has been staying with him the last several days... yeah....which is amazing. And as thankful as I am over that... it has also caused confusion for me. This is the husband I know. 

My emotions are sort of all over the place right now sweet friends. Do I get my hopes up that maybe this has triggered change? Do I stay the course of harsh boundary lines and possible future decisions that things recently have been leading up to... I'm a bit of a mess right now. Hopefully we'll get through this sickness with Dad and maybe my mind will clear. I don't want to make mistakes, at least not any huge ones. I'm lost again sweet friends. But maybe hopeful? I keep my hope pretty guarded anymore... is that right? no idea. That's just something I'm figuring out one day at a time.

I will say.... the amount of pressure I feel on my shoulders right now, is so heavy. I don't know how I'm still standing but by the grace of God. He is able. He is here. and I need His strength to get me through. Because today... I don't feel like I have much left. But I will watch Him work, in me, through me, definitely inspite of me. Because He is faithful sweet friends. He CAME here to this Earth as a baby, with the sole purpose of DYING.... for us. That is the message that He has burned into my head and heart this Christmas season. As I have struggled to grab ahold of joy. To get through each day struggling with so many uncertainties in my life. As I wake up every day so tired of trying to put back together all the pieces of my life and do it in a way that glorifies God and doesn't repeat the same mistakes that broke me in the first place..... He has reminded me, that I am the reason He came. To SAVE me. and He is sweet friends, slowly, in time, as we walk through this darkness, fixing the broken pieces as they come....but completely. Because THAT is Who He is. My Savior. My Healer. and that is WHY, even in this season of hurt, I can rejoice and be glad... because I am not alone in any of this.

you too sweet friends, from my heart to yours, Merry Christmas. -d  

The Lost One....

 

Ya know sweet friends...... God has been showing me some things the last few weeks. Things about me. They have not been harsh things, but things I never really knew about myself and in this process of Him showing me who I am (which, is honestly what I've been asking Him to do this whole past year...so, He is a God who answers us, and in ways we don't always expect) but He has simultaneously been showing me how He sees me. Which has humbled me in more ways than I can count. I don't know, I think there's a huge difference in claiming the things we KNOW that God says we are and pondering those things and then there's the revelation of Him showing us how He SEES us, in all our moments, in our victories and our struggles, in our pain and in our brokenness....that just, reaches into a whole different level of understanding and grounding for our identity and worth. (another thing I've been struggling to find this year) 

If you've been following along on this journey since last September, you already know that the word "lost" has come out of my mouth a million times and even today, if I had to pick one word to describe how I'm feeling in the midst of everything in my life... it would still be the word I would choose to use. The crazy thing is, even though I still feel incredibly lost in life right now, this past year has been an incredible journey of "finding" a lot of things. So when I say that I'm lost today, it's not in a depressive way. Does that make sense? Not that I don't have some dark days where I do just want to give up, because I do and I think those days are understandable.... but I'm more lost in the sense that I just don't know what is happening around me, in my marriage, my future, this journey. But I have discovered many things along the way this past year. The pain is producing fruit sweet friends. The fire is refining the weak places. The waiting is hard right now, I'm actually waiting on quite a few things but I believe that it is producing endurance and faith and I don't know what else but I know God is good and His heart for me is good so, I'm learning to trust the waiting even though at times it feels so painful. The obedience that God has required of me this past year, is producing .... life. He's breathing life back into these dead dry bones, into the empty places, everyday that I choose to bow down in surrender (sometimes, that action takes me a few days, not gonna lie) and walk in obedience, willfully laying things down at His feet, handing Him the broken pieces to do with as He wills....I feel life creeping back into me. And for that sweet friends, all of this hard, is worth it.

      You know, God showed me something pretty powerful the other day....  I've always heard the parable of the lost sheep right? you too.... and honestly, I've never really liked that parable... I know right? what? Yeah, I don't mean it as bad as it sounds it's just that I've always been kind of envious of the fact that God would leave the 99 and go chase after a sheep that took off and left the rest, out doing it's own thing, not following the Shepherd. Right? Guess I kinda acted like the prodigal sons brother to be honest. And I don't know why that story has always made me feel like an outsider almost, an outsider of God's love it almost felt like. Talk about a revelation in THAT department, it never dawned on me that I actually felt like an outsider of God's love and care like that. Just something I never honestly realized about myself until I started thinking about the parable of the lost sheep.

But then God, in His perfect way, corrected me even further..... the lost sheep was about a prodigal and that story is a beautiful picture of how fiercely God loves the ones who stray, He's not "done" with them just because they chose to run away from Him...if YOU are prodigal right now sweet friend, God is absolutely chasing after you, because He loves you, He won't force you to choose Him back, but just turn around sweet friend and you'll find Him right there, arms open wide. 

 God has been speaking to my heart this year, but really been bringing it home the last few weeks. I have felt so lost, and alone, and my focus has been on "getting right with God" in all the areas that I have really "accidentally" strayed because of my ignorance, but regardless, it's left me alone in the dark. And that's where the revelation has hit me sweet friends, A lost sheep....is a lost sheep. A lost sheep could also be one that somehow got distracted and all of sudden, couldn't find it's way back. A lost sheep maybe isn't being rebellious in it's journey, maybe it just got stuck somewhere, it got scared, and started feeling hopeless and alone, maybe it turned around one day and noticed the rest of the flock kept going without it because none of them noticed it got stuck somewhere.... maybe it became afraid no one would come back to save it. The lost sheep was left wandering around afraid it wouldn't find it's way back, missing the Shepherd's voice, missing the safety and protection of the flock..... See, in other passages of scripture, The Good Shepherd is mentioned again as one who KNOWS His sheep and His sheep KNOW His voice, a Shepherd that protects His Sheep. I love that picture, we carry them in our shop, the one of Jesus hovering over the lost sheep and holding back all the wolves. 

I AM a lost sheep sweet friends. And His gaze turned to me and He came running to grab ahold of me in the dark and He has been leading me back home. 

Talk about a humbling month. You know what else is crazy about this? This whole past year... I am not kidding, go back to September and simply read my first blog, which actually has more significance than I realized a few seconds ago, but THIS THEME of The Lord is my Shepherd.... has been so prevalent in my journey this far. God has literally dropped this theme throughout my journey. In the beginning, when I first started recognizing it, I believed it had something to do with me just feeling sort of  "Shepherdless".... no church home, obviously my husband wasn't really leading me anywhere, I felt stuck... so I sort of just thought maybe that's what it was and maybe that it was more just about a journey of healing. Then, someone that God has placed in my life early on in all of this, God has actually tied this theme into our relationship which has been super cool and I have no idea what it really means but it's unique for sure, I've never had a theme tied to a friendship from God before so it's been a humbling journey knowing that God really is in the small details of our lives and He cares about us all so much that He does little things to let us know that He is working in our lives in unique and special ways. 

Though, He IS my Shepherd, and He IS healing me on this journey, this theme is presenting so many levels of my relationship with Him. I did not expect to have this current revelation of me being a lost sheep and how much He cares even for me. I needed this revelation. There is just something about God giving us a picture and reassuring us of His love for us, like He just did for me, that burns deep in our souls doesn't it? I mean, He died on the cross, the truth of that is enough...and yet here He is...running after us in the dark whether it's because we chose to run away, or because we simply got lost....His love for us is fierce sweet friends.

I needed this revelation, especially right now. Life is a bit strange, all this chaos that keeps my soul tired right now, literally every day, is present but in spite of it all, I'm finding joy in the small things. I feel so blessed to watch God placing people in my life that I do believe genuinely care. The crazy thing is, there's really only like 2 people still that know a fair amount of what is actually going on or has gone on in my life the past year. Only 4 people total (that are in our lives) that even know about this blog (that I am aware of). So at times, that feels weird, that I'm sitting among people that I know are genuine and caring, and honestly have no clue the kinds of battles I'm facing, and yet I still cannot bring myself to expose this part of my journey. I think I'm kind of stuck in that too, I don't want to do or say anything that I will regret and I am hopeful things can change and I don't want to cause problems for Shawn if they do ya know? I'm lost here in this place as well. Definitely a battle between wanting to do what is right and healthy and also not really knowing fully what that is right now. And simultaneously, feeling really alone and wishing I could just spill it all to people I'm sure would rally to lift me up. frustrating place to be...and it all rests with me, it's no one's responsibility but mine to be that transparent. 

bleh.

I'm sure it shouldn't be this complicated, and I'm sure I am wrong somewhere in all this confusion. But I also don't like making decisions out of confusion. So I'm hoping God will help me see the truth of what I should do here, or speak to those listening to Him and I will walk accordingly. I'm pretty sure I'll know if it's God leading someone into this mess lol. We'll see whether I crack at some point, or whether God pushes the envelope. Cuz I really do not know what the right thing to do is. I'm so tired. 

It's also brought about a real attitude of caring for people in me. Which makes sense. Sometimes I think about the fact that here I am, facing some really hard things, some days feel unbearable at times even, heart breaking things and yet the people around me, have no clue. And how many people do we interact with in our lives that we just really don't know what they are dealing with? And how do we really remedy this? Because the answer is not to bury our lives (like I'm clearly doing) and the answer isn't to bear all things to "everyone"....we know that is wisdom too. But somewhere there's a balance and I think we should be doing more in the being transparent with people AND being the kind of people that make better efforts to let those friends, family, strangers, KNOW that we actually WANT to know how they are REALLY doing. Right? I think a lot of us have lost that art of deep connection with people. And I can't help but think that Satan has had something to do with that. So as much as I'm hurting, I am reminded that I do not know everything that goes on in a person's life and I need to always do my best to love on people that God places in front of me and not be afraid to boldly let them know that I really do care about the things they're scared to share. And then just let God lead the relationship. 

Life can be complicated lol. But, I think the important thing sweet friends, is that we make it our daily goal...to chase after God. "Seek Me and you will FIND Me, if you seek Me with your WHOLE heart." and I think that is the key to everything. I am absolutely feeling lost right now, but I will seek Him in the dark, and I will trust that He knows exactly where I'm at. He's holding back the wolves. He's taking my hand and leading me forward out of the dark. Some days, He's picking me up and carrying me when I just can't do it anymore. Because He is Always Faithful to us. I love that.