December

 

        Ahhhh December, last month of the year. Where did this year go sweet friends? Anybody else wondering that too? The older we get, the faster life moves doesn't it? One of those things as a child we never realized was such a blessing...the slow passing of days. We always wanted to "hurry up" and "grow up" didn't we? What we wouldn't give for those slow passing days now huh? I guess I am glad I've made it to December lol, this has been quite a year hasn't it? A lot of pain, a lot of realizing things, so much changing, and for me personally, a lot of internal reflection and growth for sure. So a very very hard year, but a year full of growth and for that I am thankful as I look back at where I once was. I hope you can be proud of your growth too sweet friends, we made it to December. If nothing else, Celebrate that. 

So my life update this month....

       Shawn forgot about my birthday lol and you know what....I'm not even upset about it. Is that weird? I mean, I'm not a child, I don't really care about birthdays anymore, in fact a couple years ago when I entered a new decade...I sort of didn't handle it well inside. It was a hard birthday, and since then, I just don't really care much about it. But I don't know... he told me he forgot it was my birthday and I just didn't have much of a reaction ya know? I think I might be more concerned that I'm not upset about the fact that I'm not important enough to remember...what does that even mean sweet friends? I don't know.

I keep thinking I should be sad, or mad, or resentful even because the last few days honestly have been emotionally trying... but at the end of the day, I just feel tired.

I also feel super guilty for having a rough Christmas... anybody else feeling that way today? I think I feel guilty because I recognize all the blessings in my life right now and I feel like those should somehow trump the brokenness I feel right now. I personally know several individuals that are going through some very heartbreaking things, saying goodbye to their loved ones right now, right before Christmas...I can't imagine what that must feel like. I have so many things to be thankful for right now...

My business is doing so well, it's been fun, and exciting, and so many encouraging things have been happening with it, so much promise for the future. I'm so thankful that God is using this business to grow me in this journey and to use it to provide stability for me which is huge right now. God has began to develop friendships and bring people into my corner to give me a sense of belonging and hope that I can find "home" again. He has began using me to reach out and love on people and have some meaning in my life and turn the hard things in to good for His glory.

So many good things to be thankful for...and yet, I just feel so broken this month. Can those two things really coexist? Thankfulness and Brokenness? Is it okay to simultaneously feel both? There are moments here lately that I am doing my best to hold it together but on the inside I feel like I'm crumbling. Which on one hand, makes me feel guilty that I can cover that up so well... am I being deceitful to the people around me? or is it wisdom? To walk closely to the Lord in the breaking moments and rely solely on Him to see me through them, to hold me together till I can breathe again...would telling other people in those moments take my full reliance off of God and place my reassurance in the hands of someone else? How do we know when involving others is the right thing to do? Is it pride? I don't know sweet friends, I think back over the past decade of my life when things started getting harder, and I feel that my main reservation in keeping things hidden was 1. to protect the dignity of my husband. and 2. I wanted to protect our witness. I knew Satan would jump at the chance to take us down and at that time, the struggles happened only within the walls of our home, so it felt isolated and somewhat controlled and I thought as long as I just kept my eyes on Jesus, concealing the hard was the right thing to do.

Was that pride just convincing me it was noble? It's hard looking back and questioning all those decisions which I thought were right at the time but now that I realize that some of those decisions weren't right, I find myself second guessing everything I thought I knew to be truth. I know this is a common response during a healing process....doesn't make it any easier though. I want to figure out what the truth actually IS. I want to work past all these confusing parts. 

A part of me is a little angry.... it's been a year since the blow up that started us down this rough year ya know? I'm angry that I don't feel farther along in the healing. I'm angry that my husband isn't better. Quieter for sure...but not better nor willing to try to get better. I had hopes that a year later... things would look much different than they do right now. I know I've changed a lot this year, for the better but I still feel super stuck. And I've been waiting for a couple other things that God definitely spoke to me, but I haven't seen them really come to fruition...I've seen enough to know that He is working in them, so it's enough to not question what I know He spoke to me, I'm just impatient I guess. I just feel lost in all this and wish a couple of those promises were fulfilled already so maybe I'd feel a little less wobbly. That probably doesn't really make sense does it? That's okay sweet friends, some things are just between God's voice and my heart, bottom line.... I'm impatient. prayers appreciated. I made a promise to God that I will let Him lead His promises and I will not take control and try to make anything happen on my own. So I'm keeping myself in check. I don't want to be in charge, I want to trust Him with the timing... He is trustworthy and I will submit to His plan. 

Christmas....oh boy, I decided just to let the month play out before I posted on here, this season has been so busy for me at the shop, I haven't had too much time for anything else. Our shop looked beautiful this year. I love Christmas, always have. People kept asking me, "I bet your house just looks gorgeous?" lol...no I did nothing at home. I did tack a few Christmas pics up on my wall along with the other pics I hung up last month. But no tree. no lights. no outside cuteness. nothing. and that's okay. I had plenty of Christmas at the shop to get me in the spirit. I told Shawn at Thanksgiving that I really really wanted a Christmas tree for the house and I kept saying it till mid December and decided that even though I could've went and got one for myself, it wasn't the point. It's okay, I survived. 

Christmas came... and ya know what... it was hard. And the hard came in very unexpected ways. I was preparing for Shawn to have a meltdown like last year. I was ready for that, or anything that might flip a switch and I was careful to try and keep things honest but pleasant leading up to Christmas ya know? I'm not afraid to say it like it is with Shawn, I'm done walking on eggshells. But...I'm not trying to rock the boat necessarily either. I don't want to hurt my husband and I know him well enough to know that he's got internal struggles going on as well and is not happy with himself.

But it wasn't Shawn that caused turmoil this Christmas. It came from both sides of the family right at Christmas. I was caught off guard for sure and you know what? It threw my nervous system off completely. Man, that was hard to mask sitting amongst family. There was a moment, when I honestly thought about just walking out the door. Sweet friends, I am caught in this place where I am so tired of drama...and I know that's healthy to not want to deal with drama, that's not really new for me, but I am kind of amazed at how AWARE I am now of the drama around me. I think I was in such a survivor mode for so long that I didn't process things correctly and was just numb to those things I guess. Or the little things just didn't faze me because I was always preparing for the big things. That makes more sense. But now, as I've been on this healing journey, I'm quicker to recognize those things, probably because I'm noticing how my body just responds first to danger. My body has definitely been my biggest wake up call for sure. And I think the hard work is taking my body's responses and then analyzing them and making sure that I'm not just responding to what "appears" to be a threat. That's hard work sweet friends, our body's triggers, are there because of what we've gone through, it's our defense mechanism and in some ways, it's protected us...but a lot of damage has been done in those responses and we need to not live in them. We MUST retrain our bodies and minds to be safe and healthy and that takes a process and it forces us to acknowledge what is happening, what triggered it, and what is the TRUTH right now, in this moment? God does not want us living in survival mode. His yoke is easy and His burden is light....THAT is the Truth of where we should be living. It's a journey. I don't like it. But I do not want to live with my body constantly on alert and my nervous system the last few days has been so uncomfortable and hard to deal with. 

And then..... my dad....84, has been so sick this week and refusing to go to the doctor, so add that pressure of taking care of him and worrying. He missed Christmas, which was hard, how many Christmases do we have left with Dad ya know? And so many people I know have lost their loved ones this past month to illnesses, some sudden illnesses and boom, within days they're gone. And here we are, watching my dad so weak which is never the case, and so stubborn and coherant enough to know what he wants and does not want and knowing where that line of respect and action are is hard isn't it? He seems to be getting better, Shawn has been staying with him the last several days... yeah....which is amazing. And as thankful as I am over that... it has also caused confusion for me. This is the husband I know. 

My emotions are sort of all over the place right now sweet friends. Do I get my hopes up that maybe this has triggered change? Do I stay the course of harsh boundary lines and possible future decisions that things recently have been leading up to... I'm a bit of a mess right now. Hopefully we'll get through this sickness with Dad and maybe my mind will clear. I don't want to make mistakes, at least not any huge ones. I'm lost again sweet friends. But maybe hopeful? I keep my hope pretty guarded anymore... is that right? no idea. That's just something I'm figuring out one day at a time.

I will say.... the amount of pressure I feel on my shoulders right now, is so heavy. I don't know how I'm still standing but by the grace of God. He is able. He is here. and I need His strength to get me through. Because today... I don't feel like I have much left. But I will watch Him work, in me, through me, definitely inspite of me. Because He is faithful sweet friends. He CAME here to this Earth as a baby, with the sole purpose of DYING.... for us. That is the message that He has burned into my head and heart this Christmas season. As I have struggled to grab ahold of joy. To get through each day struggling with so many uncertainties in my life. As I wake up every day so tired of trying to put back together all the pieces of my life and do it in a way that glorifies God and doesn't repeat the same mistakes that broke me in the first place..... He has reminded me, that I am the reason He came. To SAVE me. and He is sweet friends, slowly, in time, as we walk through this darkness, fixing the broken pieces as they come....but completely. Because THAT is Who He is. My Savior. My Healer. and that is WHY, even in this season of hurt, I can rejoice and be glad... because I am not alone in any of this.

you too sweet friends, from my heart to yours, Merry Christmas. -d