Finding my "Place" of Worth...

 

        Well, today I am packing for another Women's Encounter. I am going by myself. And...I am looking forward to the break from reality. I know God and I are gonna do some work, I'm not sure what that's going to look like, I don't feel like it's going to be anything real dramatic, I could be wrong, I'm not God and I don't know what He has planned but I just feel like I'm gonna have a few days to just sit with Him in all of this. It's been hard at home these last couple of months with everything going on, just having time to sit and process. I talk to God constantly and I listen, but just sitting with it all and no interruptions...hasn't been happening, I have so much going on it's hard to just stop and sit. So, I'm hoping this weekend will help me just get some clarity of where I am at in life with all of this. I am praying that God will just anchor me. I'm also hoping for some anchoring connections... I personally feel that would help steady me in a lot of this if I could find some godly women that are willing to walk with me a bit in this. But I'm also determined that if God wants someone in my life like that, He can make their feet and mouth move just as easy as I can move my own, I'm not begging for people to care enough to literally get in the trenches with me, and not everyone is cut out to walk this kind of road, I definitely don't want the wrong people getting involved. And that's okay, I think it's a good place to be. I'm not desperate, I'm not angry, I know that God has placed in my heart a space for people in all of this and that is the only reason I even talk about it because I know what He has softened and opened in me in being willing to let others in, I just want God to move people in and out of my life according to His will.  I'm just hoping that maybe He's got somebody in mind. I've got a lot to work through the next several months and a sounding board of wisdom would be so helpful. Pray for me sweet friends, I just want God to be in control of all of it. I want to be content somehow in the midst of this hard season and not feel like I have to walk this particular path alone. We'll see what happens. God will still be faithful to the work He is doing in me and I will trust whatever that looks like. 

How are things going? Well, Valentine's Day was....hard this year too. It's just a day, and getting wrapped up in the hoopla of it isn't emotionally smart anyways. But I'm finding that I no longer like hallmark love stories, or cute romantic movies...they kinda hurt right now. Didn't think of that until I was watching one the other day...ended up in tears halfway through it. I think it's just a good indicator that my heart hurts right now. And that's okay. Life is not okay right now. My husband is present in my life but we couldn't be farther away and that is super painful. I'm feeling quite numb sometimes and I think it's just part of the journey. I am trying to remain hopeful that things will change but right now, I just remain numb as I watch the confusion play out on the other end... there's not much more I can do at the moment to help someone "understand", so I guess I'll just keep working on me and wait.

 I've realized over this past month really, that there is a deep loneliness in this type of surrender. Some of you I'm sure have experienced, are experiencing, this and you know exactly what I mean. And it's not really a loneliness that can be remedied by anything else I don't think. Sure, other people in our lives can help dull the ache a little bit but the loneliness itself comes from the brokenness of the relationship. And I think it comes from realizing just how much of our own identity was wrapped up in that other person. It's been a rather humbling realization for me... I placed more of my worth in someone that I shouldn't have. One, it's not his responsibility to carry my worth at all, but also, what was I doing? Allowing myself to place some of my worth into his hands? It kind of baffles me a bit that I did that over the course of our marriage. I've always been close to the Lord and I know where my worth comes from, and yet.... over time, moments of insecurity, hard places....I started shifting pieces of my worth over to a source that can't sustain it. That was stupid on my part for sure and I'm still scratching my head why I didn't realize that was happening till the last couple of years, how did I not notice?

You know what's really frustrating? I would tell my husband all the time that He needed to run to Jesus because I wasn't the source of his worth. I did, I would tell him that all. the. time. And yet, here I was, continually handing little pieces of my worth over to my husband, until one day I realized just how many pieces I had given him to hold. Aggravating. No wonder I feel so broken. Yes, my husband has a lot to do with that....but so do I sweet friends, so do I.  

Which has had me contemplating a lot this week in moving forward with my husband... I can't ever make that mistake again. And this is where learning is gonna come in during this process right now in our marriage. Separation is good right now on many levels...this one included. I need to get my head right and I need to recognize each part that I gave away and get those pieces back to the feet of Jesus. Sounds easy, bet it's not though lol. It's alright, I'm already in the hard, I might as well tackle a few more pieces. But sweet friends, our self worth is SO important... where we place it is SO crucial for our well being. And I think us recognizing how quickly we can give it away to people or things even that should never hold it in the first place, might be the first step in healing. There is a good lesson here, yes it's a painful one, but the Enemy knows how to tear us apart doesn't he? And the kicker, he doesn't come at us like we think he will... he comes at us slowly, nudging, poking, deceiving with words that draw our attention and shift our focus, words that draw out our insecurities...don't they? And a false sense of safety in the midst of our shaking.... and bit by bit, we .... start handing over precious things, out of our own free will...because we didn't see it coming and we don't recognize the truth of what it is, mainly because we're wrapped up in our own emotions. And that's where we have to sharpen up sweet friends. We need to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus... and the minute we start shifting our focus...we catch ourselves and check ourselves and make sure we're not placing important pieces into hands of anyone else but God. 

Tough work ahead.... but we can do it sweet friends. We just get determined to fix our eyes. The Holy Spirit will help us do the rest. So I'm gonna work on fixing my eyes this weekend, and I am praying for all of you, that you find some time to ponder your own eyesight and ask the Holy Spirit to help you get your worth back into His hands because His hands and the ones that created you.... He will always hold your worth in safety.

Love you - d