I'm realizing this about me. As I've been trying to "make sense" of some things.. I'm starting to see the patterns of my life. The things that I keep saying "oh this is NEW"...and then I quickly catch myself, because ... they aren't new, they've always been there, kind of hidden in the midst of the loud chaos...does that make sense? I just never noticed them because at the time... they felt like the "safe place". Because there wasn't as much turbulence, these things were the "calm".... but I found "safety" in places that weren't actually safe... and that became my comfort zone. I'm mad. No, mad isn't even the right word, angry maybe... I think mostly just .... "lost" might be the best word, lost in the realization of what the truth is that I didn't see till now. And I am completely unsure how to "fix" it, or "change it". And I definitely don't want to "deal" with it. Oh I will, I have to because I don't want to stay in this place and I don't want any more damage done.
God has been teaching me for the last several months (you know..) how to "let go" of things on this journey I'm on.... and honestly, it's kind of felt like a thousand little funerals. There's been so much already that has had to die so that I can move forward into healing, and there's been so much realization of things that had died in me a long time ago that shouldn't have and I've had to learn how to grieve those things (I'm still there on several things actually) so that I can let those go and move forward in healing. I think this is one of the main reasons why I talk about healing being so painful sometimes, because we think of healing as almost a comfort to our pain...not as something that rips us wide open first. And that's where I'm at with all of this.
I'm not really sure that I'm going to go into much detail on these sweet friends, maybe some of them will show up as their own blog post eventually as I work through them. But I'm really raw here, my head and my heart battle over some of these and I really want to bring both of those things under submission to God before I share them with you. God is being patient with me and for that I am so humbled and thankful. I wish I could just lay these things at His feet but man.... grieving some of these losses is really hard and mostly because I just don't want to sit with them long enough to feel the uncomfortable weight of what they carry and face the depth of the grip they have had on my heart. We don't like to face hard things do we? I think we're kinda all the same in this department... I think some people just are better at making the choice to press forward and do what God asks us to do. Obedience isn't easy for any of us in hard places, but I guess it's what sets us apart from everyone else sweet friends. So let's not run from it...we can maybe sit with it for just a little while as long as we work to keep our hearts humble before our God, we can sit for a minute, but then we have to keep moving. We have to sweet friends.
I think something that has been really hard particularly in this department... is trying to figure out who I am. Right? I mean, my identity is in Christ so I'm not like completely lost here, but I am lost in a lot of ways and it sounds so cliche' because ya know we've all grown up watching movies where everyone has a midlife crisis and doesn't know who they are.... I wish this was just a mid life crisis.. but.... it's not. And I definitely feel like other than my identity in Christ... what am I even doing? Lol, it's okay, I'll figure it out... I just have a lot of sorting out to do I guess. I just hope and pray that during this time of confusion and feeling lost, that I don't impact other people around me in a negative way. That would hurt my heart. Trying to reach out and not be invisible all while feeling a little lost in myself, is kinda scary truthfully. But that's where I trust God too, He is bigger than my flaws and insecurities... thankfully.
So what do we do with all these funerals in our hearts sweet friends? I know some of you are probably going through similar journeys of "letting go". I think we take each thing and allow ourselves time to grieve it. Time to let it sink in, understand what we can about it, what we can about ourselves in it, and why the Holy Spirit wants it to go. I think these are all really important things that will help us with the grieving process as we let go of dreams we've had for our lives, maybe some passions that used to fuel our fire for life but now, just memories, maybe friendships that we lost or had to let go of, maybe relationships with family members, maybe parts of our personalities that got traded in for other traits we didn't want, maybe it was years of lost joy because everything we were dealing with clouded the wellspring. I don't really know but I know I'm sad. I know I'm grieving...me. And I know that it's part of this journey of healing and restoration. We just can't let this process, bury us sweet friends. There will be days, trust me, that you don't want to move because everything feels too heavy. Just breathe. Be still. It will pass. There may be nights when your heart just hurts so much that you want it all just to go away... it will pass, morning will come with a new reminder that God woke you up again today for a reason.
Just breathe sweet friend. This valley is just a season. Take His hand, keep walking. Joy will come, maybe after the mourning. love ya -d
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