I was thinking about that the other day, just the sadness of it really and no real way to help him. I'm learning that lesson the hard way. Each day I'm understanding more and more my role in all of this...and it's not my place to fix things for my husband. He has to start facing some hard things and he has to make the choices to fix those things, change those things, and mostly, just acknowledge the things that are destroying his life, our life. It's painful sweet friends. I want to fix it so bad. I want to control the outcome too.....but I can't. And I'm trying very hard to reconcile that in my heart and spirit with God as I learn to be still and stay out of the way.
But I realized something pretty painful about myself the other day as I was looking around my house. The walls are bare sweet friends. We've lived here for almost a year... and my walls are bare. Now I know how to decorate. I have really cute things. I own a Boutique... I know how to design a beautiful space. And yet..... in my own home, there is nothing. It hit me pretty hard, as I looked at my own reflection all around me in the one place that should be safe. The one place that I should be able to express myself and enjoy.....right? It's blank. And it is an accurate representation of what has been going on inside of me all year too.
My heart is broken over the realization of where I've been. It's hard really looking at how much I just "disappeared" and even harder to try and understand why I worked so hard to "hide" from people. I love people and I love connecting with people. And yet I became so consumed with trying to protect my husband from any negative attention because he was "struggling"...that I just became a shell of who I was. And God has been gently showing me this past year, that was NEVER His plan for me. It shouldn't of happened. And I was wrong to allow it.
Talk about a tough wake up call. The battle of stripping down the belief system that I had built up as my excuse for allowing all the things, for allowing myself to hurt the way I did, for believing that I was being noble and self sacrificing and a godly wife... and even teaching and encouraging the same mindset to others that we just stick with it and carry our crosses so to speak and maybe that was God's plan for us as godly help mates to our husbands. Yeah, a battle is right. Unlearning things we've been taught is hard isn't it sweet friends? And then being open to allowing God to show us His heart on the matter takes a lot of courage too doesn't it? I'm still not 100% sure where I'm at with all of it but I do know that God's heart for me, was so much better than what I endured, and His heart for me now....
That's what I am seeking. His heart, not my emotions, not my thoughts, not my desires... His heart. Because I really don't know what tomorrow holds, but He does. I don't know if my husband's heart will change, but He does. I'm also really afraid of what other "Believers" will say to me once we open up about this part of our lives. On one hand, it doesn't matter, I know what God has been showing me and teaching me and I know the things that I have had to unlearn in this painful process. So I'm not afraid of being swayed to put up with things that are destroying me. And my heart's desire in all of this, is restoration of my marriage. I do not want to go in the direction of divorce. I will fight till I have nothing left before I make that kind of a decision. BUT.... I guess I'm hoping for spirit filled people who know God's heart in all of this and won't pressure me so to speak to just ignore and endure....and that's kind of what I'm afraid of. I've had to repent myself for always believing that there was no other option besides sticking it out with your spouse "no matter what".... I'm thankful that all the couples that my husband and I ever counseled (during the good and worthy times) we never had to actually push that because those couples all worked towards restoration and God was faithful to them. I'm so thankful that we never pushed someone in the wrong direction with this belief system, but nonetheless, laying it at His feet and apologizing for hanging onto it so tightly myself and frankly, allowing that thought process to actually destroy my temple all these years, was a hard thing to admit.
I feel lost a bit sweet friends. And honestly, super alone. Mainly because there is no real deep conversations taking place. Pleasant exchanges sure, but nothing of real value...just avoidance of anything that really matters, and that's a really lonely place to sit. I no longer am willing to force communication, I'm tired of trying in that department. I no longer have any desire to beg for the desire to get some help and breach those broken places that are hindering growth and freedom. It just is a wait and see what happens as I continue to move forward in healing and growth until something changes or I'm done waiting.
You know the truth is.... it's not that I actually think that I deserve better....because honestly, I don't really feel that way right now, probably because I feel so broken, and my self worth has been damaged so the thought of what I think I "deserve" isn't really at the forefront of my mind right now. I know where I'm at with my self worth is not the Truth, and I am working to correct my thinking and get that part back in alignment with what is the Truth. But, the blank walls are a good depiction of what I feel about me right now too, just really unsure. And all my energy is going towards pushing hard for stability in life to survive, that I feel so overwhelmed and too tired to really shift any focus on this particular area. I am going to have to at some point, it's a pretty crucial part of life, to know who we are and how we feel about ourselves.... it kinda shapes everything we do and live for so I can't ignore it. But I am recognizing there are days I really just am unsure where I stand in the whole "worth" department.
The process of, or JOURNEY of "healing" is so intricate and complex sweet friends. Because, it's never really just one area that needs fixed... it's multi and layered.... and everything needs "worked through". Some things can be quick for sure. And the Healer is here, and He can heal us completely in the snap of a finger....but He instead often chooses to walk us through the journey...teaching us about His heart for us, showing us where we got it wrong and WHY we got it wrong, Like a Good Father, teaching us the lesson so we don't make those same mistakes again. He wants to spend the time with us, He wants to hold us in the painful moments, and I think He wants us to understand the work of His healing as it slowly takes place in our deep hidden places. Because that's who He is. He cares for us sweet friends.
Which is what makes days like this bearable. Because the pain has a purpose, and we are not alone in it. Honestly sweet friends, I HATE that I am on this journey. It makes me really mad sometimes that I even have to walk through all this. Why is this what my life looks like? Couldn't I be doing so many more productive and awesome things with my life than having to work through this pain? Wouldn't my life be so much more useful to God if I didn't have to focus so much of my time on myself right now? I hate it. I feel guilty over that too.... I want to be focused on ministry and actually making a difference in this world and leading people to Jesus, but instead, my time right now is consumed with trying to get all these areas right with God and heal so that eventually I can do the things He's created me to do.
Our entire existence isn't about what we can do, it's about how we worship. Our relationship with Him. So I know that I'm doing what He's created me to do, which is to love Him with my life and to fix anything that is not honoring to Him. So I'm doing that, I am..... but I still feel guilty, that I have to. I feel guilty that I wasn't more discerning, that I wasn't more diligent with my life and I allowed myself to get off track so now I have a mess to clean up before I can feel "useful" to the Kingdom and walk in the purpose and annointing that I know I carry. It's hard sweet friends. But God always wants us, our hearts, before He wants our ministry. And that's what's laying up on the altar before my God today....my heart.
These bare walls, these dry bones, the light that feels dim.....all up on the altar today. Surrendering all the things I don't understand, because I know that He will fix what is broken here, and He will restore me and use me, He will finish what He started with me, no matter how long ago it stalled....because He cares, He is my Creator, He is my Rescue, and He is always Good.
I'm gonna go hang some stuff on my walls.... as a reminder that I will find myself eventually. It might not even look pretty...but it's gonna be there.
love you sweet friends - d
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