Last weekend, tragedy struck close to home. The tragic loss of the Koch family (if you don't know what I'm talking about... just google it, it's national news) I am broken over all of it, every single bit. Just within hours after I had seen them, talked to them, laughed with them, they were all dead... and that's hard to process all on it's own. But their story, held more significance in my life than I care to admit. Oh it's different for sure, in fact, I believe hands down, theirs was harder to deal with than anything I've had to endure. But the truth still remains that, the similarities are very present...and those things came crashing in all at once. Ya know the hard thing about it, earlier in the week I found myself so angry at Bailey's last post she had put out. The anger at her situation, the unfairness of it all, the darkness of the daily struggle...just all of the reality of things made me so angry at mental illness honestly. It's a thief for sure. Not only for the individual that has to live with the constant fight of it all, but also the loved ones that go into battle everyday FOR their loved one and a lot of days WITH their loved one. That's the part most people don't know about. It's painful. and hard.
I was grappling with the anger, knowing I needed to work through my emotions wrapped up in that post...and then this happened. And for a minute, no...lots of minutes...days actually...still truthfully...
The word HOPE.... lost it's meaning for me. Everything Bailey and Jeremy talked about was their hope in God to see them through their journey, to make sense of all the chaos and confusion they had to live through everyday... but there was always hope that things would get better.
I talk about HOPE all the time. I believe in Hope. It's the only thing holding me together on the really really dark days, that it will pass and better days are ahead.
HOPE that God will intervene and save me...
And then this happened. And sweet friends.... my world shook. Because where is HOPE? I KNEW the TRUTH that HOPE IS REAL and HOPE IS HERE. GOD IS HOPE. but, my heart was crushed, in so many ways. All my fears started rushing to the surface, and unfortunately, I wasn't alone to try to process them and it caused some problems. (but I think God knew, and He was already ahead of me in those moments ya know?) I think as I was quickly being thrown into a whirlwind of fear and despair, and honestly losing my hope... He was working all things on my behalf. And I didn't even realize it.
It's a scary thing to lose hope isn't sweet friends? I know many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. It doesn't matter the situation.. it's scary to lose hope for a better tomorrow. Fear is a powerful thing and it can crush us in seconds. Fear is a bondage in our lives, because it cripples us in the process of moving forward in freedom and victory. And HOPE and FREEDOM go hand in hand. FEAR is the ENEMY of FREEDOM isn't it? I was here.
For the next few days, I was slipping and I hate to admit that to you. But everything in me was fighting to survive, does that make sense? I was angry that I couldn't get a grip on my hope, it felt like it just kept slipping out of my fingers, the fear and anger just kept warring inside of me and I couldn't let it out because, I wasn't in a safe place to process openly ya know? I was losing fast.
But then....something really hard and completely unexpected happened. Here's where it's gonna get pretty real. (I'm gonna leave out some, a lot of details..)
Shawn's Dr. called me. She was forcing him to get help. Someone sat down and shared some things with her and ....God stepped in to fight my battle for me. Because I was slipping. and THAT is HOPE.
I came home after leaving Shawn at the Hospital and .... the weight of the week, all of it, came crashing down on me. It was a rough night with all the emotions. I was relieved... I'm also so tired. I'm battle weary. I'm even a little bit lost in all the chaos. But.... I know that God is moving in the midst and I can trust that. Honestly, this weekend, I began to doubt hope again, I felt the walls coming in closer as we had to deal with some things and sweet friends, I crumbled under the pressure, I began to feel hopeless again at the chaos of what was happening. Frustration and Confusion and Doubt were pounding on me. I had nothing left to give, my strength was gone yesterday and I just kind of gave up, and I hate to admit that too. That's not who I want to be. I know better, but sometimes sweet friends... we find ourselves here, in the midst of the battle and nothing looks good. Fear...continues to bull rush us in these moments. But that's when we lift our trembling hands, we let the tears roll, and we don't even have to say anything. Because He knows. He sees. He's already there. And we have to let go. .....God showed up again, honestly, in the nick of time and proved once again... that He is in control of all of this.
These past few days have been so so hard sweet friends. Not only has there been a whirlwind of emotions, but there's also been a wrecking ball of truth... that I'm seeing about the situation, about Shawn, most painfully...about me. I am not gonna lie... I am angry. Not really a bad anger, oh it could go that direction if I'm not careful to handle it properly, but a righteous anger at really... what I have become over the last decade of my life. I've been pondering some timelines and I'm starting to see how I got distracted and the Enemy moved right in, and I never caught it. I am wrong in lots of areas, and it's not about beating myself up, it's about recognizing the truth, reconciling those moments of my failure to God, and learning how to change.
This is probably the hardest part I'm dealing with right now sweet friends, on the internal to do list...(I've got a few to do lists right now)
But I have to reconcile the part in all this, that God ALLOWS us to mess up and to walk in disobedience even, because God didn't ask me to become who I did. He didn't ask me to make the poor choices that I did in those moments. He had nothing to do with the direction I chose to go during those trying times... He LET me make the wrong choices, which led me down a path of massive hurt and consequences. And I HAVE to reconcile this part with God. I HAVE to be okay that He let me have free will. And that's hard.
BUT.... even in all of that, He still chose to walk with me. And to comfort me, in the middle of my mess. And to protect me when I should've been getting help from others. You guys.... God is good. He is merciful to our shortcomings and to our stupidity honestly. I am sitting here, angry and humble at the same time because I just realized after 4 days of grappling with all this... that God never left my side even though.... somewhere in the mix, I took my eyes off of Him and started doing things my own way, He stayed with me and continued to work in me through MY MESS...until today, when I finally realized... I made a mistake. God IS faithful sweet friends.
And we get angry with Him, but we fail to see the whole truth sometimes. I think maybe, I have few more of these moments coming... I'm not looking forward to them. I feel stupid that I allowed some things to take shape in my life, and who I am... and I have a feeling, I'm not done seeing more of the same. But I am thankful that God is with me now, He is going before me no doubt. He is placing people, HIS people into my life, strategically... I can see it. And I am overwhelmed by His kindness to me.
I was talking with a sweet friend the other day, trying to make sense of some things, and she started talking about fear... and I began smiling because God knew I needed to hear exactly what she was saying. It brought clarity but also confirmation in what He had already been speaking to my heart in all this mess. And that is God.
He will fight for us sweet friends. I am so very scared for the days ahead. I knew it was coming, I sensed it in my spirit a few weeks ago... I didn't think it was coming so soon. I do not feel ready. I am so weak and tired and spent. I am fearful that I will fail.
But that is my flesh. I cannot deny God's presence in all of this and I know that I can do ALL things through Him. I have no strength left right now, but He does. And I know that I am learning to "stand still" and let Him work. I have to trust Him. I have to, because I really have no other choice. And this time.... I am NOT going to let the Enemy, sneak in while I'm distracted by chaos, and trick me into doing my own thing. I'm done with that mess.
Pray for me. Pray for Shawn. Pray for everyone God is going to use to bring VICTORY out of this mess.
Love you sweet friends -d
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