This is hard.
It's hard because we are navigating this weird place full of uncertainties and struggle. It's hard because we're not "estranged" but we're also not "okay". We're in this together, whatever the days ahead bring. We'll get through it, because that's who we are.
Here's the thing... we love to always point out that marriage isn't 50/50, it's really 100/100. If we're both not putting 100% effort into our marriage, problems will come. It's also true that it takes 2 in a marriage. Not everything is only 1 person's fault. It's also true that....
sometimes 1 person is having a lot of issues that can incredibly impact the marriage for both people.
Sometimes... that's just marriage. Now, the truth is always that neither person is perfect and both people always can find things that they need to work on but the even bigger truth is... what each individual goes through in life and the personal choices each one of us make... affects the other person ALWAYS.
I am so tired of this particular struggle sweet friends. I'm exhausted and frustrated at the constant...fight. And I don't mean the fight with each other, there is some of that as we try to move forward together and get on the same page, but that's not the "fight" I'm really talking about. It's the fight against ourselves actually. The inward stuff that all of this battle has started bringing to the surface in each of us. We're both battling with internal things as we try to figure out the "main" thing right now... and it's a little overwhelming and discouraging. This is the icky part of this journey of vulnerability... but I know the Holy Spirit and I know I'm not going to get this weight off my chest or the upset in my stomach to stop until I'm obedient... so, I guess I'll walk in obedience even though... I'm really kinda fighting this one.
Several months ago, back in August, I was walking through Hobby Lobby, I was there with my mom and my sister for a girls day but I was off by myself, mainly because I had so much on my mind I just... ya know, needed a minute I guess. And I was walking by the Painting section and so I turned down the aisle and was just looking at all the stuff (I'm a painter) anyway, and I walked past this large canvas and I heard God say "buy this". Of course I was like "why?"... and nothing, but I knew it was God and I knew the feeling I had, much like the one tonight, so I picked up this huge canvas and put it in my cart. As I was walking back down the aisle, I was trying to think of what I could do with it, I do some whimsy art for my shop so I thought maybe that's what I could do with it, and I turned the corner and I heard God say, "This is for you and Me. I want you to paint your feelings..." WHAT??? Caught me off guard a little bit, I don't "paint my feelings" ever... I didn't even know what that was supposed to look like at all, but I said "ok".
I got it in my sisters car..barely, and of course neither my mom or my sister flinched because a canvas is not out of my "norm" so that went undetected. I got it home, set this huge canvas in the corner of the camper Shawn and I were living in for the time being... and just stared at the blank and shook my head... where would I even start? It felt uncomfortable and I honestly had no idea really what God wanted from me, and why? What was the point? but... I decided just to start with something... so I went with black. All of it. Felt like that was a good representation of my feelings at that moment. I also didn't feel like it was something I had to constantly work on ya know? Just as things came up in my heart, I would add it to the canvas... see what happened.
Oh boy sweet friends, lol. When God tells us to do something... there is a reason, one we can't always see at the time, but always a reason. Then one day a couple weeks later, I stood back as the tears flowed down my face and I realized exactly what God was doing with this "project" I was so humbled and thankful for such a personal God. So I love to prayer journal, not all the time just when I feel it's necessary, and I also have some pretty intense prayers that I've written down and stuck in my Bible... I love going back and seeing how God has answered those and how things have changed, or I've grown since then. So I'm used to doing those type of things but this canvas... has a specific purpose for this season of my life. It's kind of hard to explain but I'm seeing it more clearly each day I add something to it. This canvas is EVERYTHING that is going on in my life, all at once right now... and it's a picture of the last chapter of my life really, the past 16 years are being represented on this canvas, not intentionally by me, but as God is working on healing me from some things and restoring me for the next chapter (whatever that is) He is taking me through this Valley of Healing... and I am seeing it ALL... that's new. That's God. He is showing me all of these areas of hurt and broken, fear, pain....and LIFE. Life is showing up on this canvas in the midst of all the hard. I'm seeing the healing taking place in many areas even though I am still dealing with all the rest. Isn't God amazing... He KNEW I needed this canvas. I needed to see EVERYTHING laid out in front of me, not hidden in the pages of a journal but in my face. WOW.... HE is the Great COUNSELOR. He is our HEALER. He is AMAZING.
I am humbled by this project between me and God. And what's even more amazing... HE has kept it hidden from my husband. I've been worried about this because it's a lot sweet friends and I'm not sure Shawn is in a place that he could see it ya know? We lived in a CAMPER... with a giant canvas sitting in the corner turned backwards of course, but huge... Shawn never turned it over. That's crazy lol, Shawn's also kind of nosey so I know it's God shielding him from it... for now. And I'm really okay with that, I need to work through some things before I add Shawn's feelings and opinions of my struggles into the mix. But I am thankful that God is big enough to take care of my privacy too. Now it's in the house, joined by a second canvas, tucked in behind my office closet door. No one knows about it... except for all of you now :) and honestly, I have no idea if anyone reading these posts are anyone I know personally but that's okay... maybe someday you'll get to see it in person. It's a long way off from that, but I have a feeling when God and I get done... this project piece is gonna look a whole lot different than it does now... a really beautiful testimony of how God worked things out in my heart and life, for His glory, and for my good. I can't wait for that day.
There is a recurring theme throughout these canvases that I'm realizing... and I don't like it at all. It's amazing to me how my worth in many areas, has taken a huge hit. And I never realized it, saw it coming, have no idea how I allowed it to happen... but it's there. It's stupid, I know it's not truth... but man, it has wound its way through a lot of areas of my life... which is probably one of the points to the canvas. A very clear picture of where I'm at, and what needs "undone".
Isn't it crazy how quickly an area of our lives can be affected by what "we" "allow" to take up residence in our minds and hearts. My problem was, I chose to ignore those things because I felt like I had "bigger" issues at the moment that I needed to deal with, so my focus went to those instead of what was starting to go on inside of me. I chose to brush my own feelings aside because I was tough and knew I could "handle it"... yeah, now it's handling me. Stupid. And then, when maybe I started to recognize those things, I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted that I didn't feel like I had the strength to put in the effort to face them, so I pushed them down farther... thinking that it was okay, because I was the only one really being affected by my hurt.... well, no not really... all the people I cut out of my life was affected by my retreat. Easier to see that now than it was then. Here's the thing too... the Enemy is so good at what he does. When I am at my weakest, most tired, and run down.... it's easier for him to move in because I'm too distracted by my own mental and emotional exhaustion to notice what he's up to.
If he can keep us worn down and exhausted ... he will. Remember that sweet friends. Satan doesn't really have a ton of new tricks, he has just mastered the really simple ones and knows how to use them best. And honestly, if you're married, he can use your spouse too. (If you're not married, he can use anyone close to you) but one thing I have realized over many years, one of the best ways for Satan to get to me, is to use my husband to tear me down. And it works every time. Satan can work to use me to tear Shawn down as well but truthfully, there are so many other ways that he is able to discourage my husband.. me, not so much. This has been really hard over the years, I'll admit that. I feel like Satan has definitely punched pretty hard at times. He's definitely trying again here in all this chaos. But, I see it... I'm doing my best to armor up and not give him what he wants, and I'm doing my best to fight for my husband while fighting with my husband lol sounds counterproductive doesn't it? But it's not, not if you understand what it is that you're fighting and you let the Holy Spirit lead you into the battles. I definitely make mistakes and let my flesh get in the way at times, but I am learning more and more how to fight the right way, and most importantly, when to just shut up and let the Holy Spirit do whatever He's got to do. It's hard for us to just "get out of the way" sometimes isn't it? Even if we think we're right, sometimes, it just isn't up to us to make those decisions for the other person. We are each only responsible for our own behavior, decisions, words, hearts.
(long sigh) It's been a rough week. My husband and I had a conversation right before church... left me pretty angry inside. I'm tired of the enemy, I'm tired of weak armor, I'm tired of excuses. I'm tired. This era of "letting go"... man, there's just so much that keeps coming in that department. I know it's necessary, because there is a process here, for both of us. We are both going through different things but both processes are about character development and frankly more than that, it's working both of our lives into righteousness. OUCH... first of all, it's humbling realizing I was a lot farther away from righteousness in some of these areas than I thought I was and secondly, transformation is hard sweet friends, you know this too. We want to walk uprightly with God but sometimes that process can make us question if it's really what we want yeah? lol .... but it is, because why in the world would we want any less? So, here I am... taking a breath and pushing forward, working on these unlovely parts of me, allowing God to reveal what needs fixed, and choosing to trust that He knows what He's doing in all of this.
I can't see past the uncertainty and sometimes these really hurtful moments... but I know that I don't have to see it, to know that God is here, He is in control, and everything will be okay. Shawn and I love each other very much, and we are both fighting through this season as best we can individually and together. I know that we are not the only marriage getting attacked, or the only people getting attacked. We live in a time where the Enemy of God's people is relentlessly bull rushing us all.... because he knows his time is short and his only goal is to take us all out.... we get it.... too bad Satan, you've already lost.
Stay strong sweet friends, whether it's your marriage, your family, your friends, your work, your ministry, or just you individually that is under attack and you feel desperate and defeated.... YOU are not, YOU have a hope, YOU can make it, YOU can be victorious in the face of evil. Put your hand in God's, ask Him to help you build your armor up, let Him lead you into the battle, and with everything you have sweet friends.... FIGHT!
love you -d
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