Monday, June 2, 2025

"Hush, Fear".... I'm not listening anymore.

 

      I sat at the park today, all day...just taking some time to work through some things in my heart and mind. I am so thankful for a peaceful place I can retreat to close to home, when home isn't the peaceful place ya know? I love this park, I spent a lot of my teen years hanging out in this park, so it kind of feels like home too ya know? Oh sweet friends, my heart is heavy with so many realizations these past couple of weeks. It's okay, I'm okay. It's just a lot to try to pull apart and grasp. 

I know what I need to do, and I will do it. But not today. I'm not ready for what's coming. I could barely fight the small battles today. I learned something about myself today as I've been reflecting on the past few years, this past year, and planning ahead..... I had no idea how much "fear" had creeped into a lot of crevices of my life. I felt it today, several times as I focused on what in the world I've been doing all this time. I'm pretty mad about it. How did it get there? How did I not recognize it for what it was? How did I become so fearful? It's stupid and I hate it. But, I can't deny it's there. My body won't let me ignore it either... and I think that's the part that is waking me up to my reality. I have to change this, I have to deal with and get rid of the fear. All of it. 

Some things are a bit jumbled, I'm sure many of you understand what I'm talking about. Everything can get a little blurry but once we start pulling things apart and taking a better look, sometimes we can see it. Of course, the Holy Spirit is pretty good about shining a light on things. At first I was begging God for clarity, now.... I've figuratively got my bags packed! I just wanna run... but that's my flesh. My spirit knows better, and wants better. So I'll stay and fight. 

You know what I'm most discouraged and infuriated with? I let the Enemy come into my life and take things from me, some he even got me to hand over freely because I was so worn down, I didn't notice him working to destroy and frankly neutralize me. I was so focused on my husband being attacked by him I didn't realize how much of a target I was too. How did I not notice? How did I not just KNOW this? Where was my brain? And you know what the Enemy replaced those precious things I handed over with? Fear. Yeah, because every time I handed over a piece of who I was, a passion that brought me joy and honor to God through it's use, a piece that defined me as a person... it was replaced with a fear of unworthiness, because my identity was disappearing piece by piece over the years. Now my identity is in Christ, that's not what I'm talking about, I'm talking about all the things that made me, me. I let so many things die off over the years, and I just chalked it up to .... that's life, people change, it's just for a time, I'll find new things to do...of course, I never really did find "new" things. I just slowly disappeared. To say that I'm livid over this is an understatement. I'm trying to keep this anger at an acceptable place. Keep it as a righteous anger focused on the enemy and not turn it on myself for being careless with all the things God has given me. I know God's heart for me sweet friends, and because of that, I believe I can stay on the right side of this anger, and I can see His compassion over me all these years as He watched me struggle with the truth. His heart probably broke more than mine did, right? He loves us and He still chooses us when we can't see things clearly. And for that I am thankful.

    When I handed over my voice, my choices, my desires, my plans in exchange for "peace" oh not real peace, just calmer storms. I stopped making my own decisions.... man, if you know me at all, the old me, you'd be scratching your head right now. Yes, the incredibly independent, strong, capable woman... stopped having a voice, because I chose to. And looking back, it breaks my own heart. It was unnecessary, I just fooled myself, or was fooled into believing it was the "best thing". That's embarrassing to admit. I can't even believe it myself really but there it is, in my face, staring at me bold and confident. I lost my joy at times... because of this. I have joy now, it's never left completely, but at times I couldn't find it... now I understand why.  

Right now I feel the pressure from others to get this boldness back. It's good pressure, it's right. But the emotions tied to this realization are a bit loud inside. This woman I used to be, is still here... she's just a little lost. I'll find her sweet friends. God has been calling this part of me to the surface for a while now, but He's revealing the parts that need healed and let go of in this process of restoration. And now that I'm seeing the bigger picture of my life, I'm kind of glad God didn't do what I asked early on this year and "hurry up" with this process so I can move on. I'm thankful He slowed me down a bit. It's too much all at once. And now I'm seeing the layers over time that got me to this place. The Enemy works slow and subtly doesn't he? Probably so we don't catch on to what he's actually doing.... destroying us bit by bit. 

My husband keeps talking about our future. Plans we've had, some goals we had been working towards, hope of a promising life. I can't see it anymore. I can only see tomorrow and that's the harsh truth. He doesn't know that's where I'm at right now. I don't think it would be that beneficial to tell him either. His talks about the future seem to be the only glimmer he has right now, so I'll let him hold on to it, and I'm just gonna hold onto God's hand because I have no idea what my future holds. But God does and for now, I'm just going to have to trust Him with all of it. It's all I can do. And see, even in that, "fear of the future"... it's way too much fear creeping into my life. 

The point of all this, I recognize it sweet friends. I can see it. I'm angry about it. I don't plan on keeping it either. I will get it out of my life. Every action I take that hesitates with fear... I will crush it and move forward anyway. Because that's how we do it. We push back. We walk through it. We keep going. And I know that as I begin to do that in all these small areas, freedom will rise up, and God will resurrect all the dead places in my heart. Because THAT is Who He Is. And there is not ONE THING Satan can do about it. I'm taking all the things back. 

You know what else I'm noticing here lately? The fear that shows up, whenever I go to connect with someone for myself. Right? Like I am all about connection, that's never went away. I'm really good at connecting with people and frankly helping other people connect with each other. I love people, it's easy for me to reach out to them and encourage or let them know they are thought about and loved right? Easy. But my "isolation" time, wasn't about not "connecting" and having people in our lives. We've always had people in our lives. But it was the "holding people at a distance from knowing us too deeply." Make sense? So now.... getting BACK to that kind of vulnerability... is hard. And frustrating right? Because it shouldn't be. But fear.... fear of what exactly? Rejection? I don't know sweet friends, I've never really cared what people think (I know, kind of sounds not like me but it's true.) My value hasn't come from other people, and I don't believe that has changed. However, my focus became so centered on my husband that my identity... started resting on being a "good helpmate" and that got distorted over the years... clearly. But pleasing people or needing to be "needed" by others... hmmm. I don't really like needy people lol so I'm not sure "rejection" is the problem. Now feeling "unworthy" kind of points to "fear of rejection" right? so hmmm, I'll have to think about that for a bit. But I'm a little puzzled over the "fear" that rises when I decide to "reach out" for me. It doesn't really make sense. I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with this. We should probably figure it out though. Because I think one of Satan's biggest tools in keeping me "neutralized" and "ineffective" ... has to do with keeping me from being vulnerable with other people. (long sigh....) I'm working on it sweet friends, I'm working on it. 

You work on it too. I'm learning with the Holy Spirit kinda starting to pound it in me every time I turn around here lately.... we need people. That's how it's supposed to work. That's how He designed His Body to function. People CAN love us just as much as we love them.... plus, Satan doesn't want us to have people.... and that ticks me off. So.... I'm gonna find some. Let's do it. Make him mad. 

Love ya -d 

 

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