Heart Trouble...

 

      I ran across this quote the other day, "Find a love you don't have to heal from."  and I sat with it for a minute, because frankly... that's exactly what I'm having to do right now, with my husband... heal from some painful things over the last several years. But, here's the thing... isn't that quote just a little unfair?  Now I'm guessing the intent behind it was good and talking about staying away from abusive relationships... but the real truth is... there's probably a little healing that needs to take place in all our relationships with the people we love at times yes?   

 We've had a hard week. And you know what sweet friends? I'm realizing just how much my "compassion" is running on empty when it comes to my husband. That is so not fair, I know. I'm realizing this in my own heart and I am doing everything I can to let God restore that in me. It's hard. I've been realizing just how much I really have poured out over the years and somewhere along the way... it just became exhausting. My husband is a good man, loves the Lord, has a tender heart, please don't get the wrong idea here... but I'm the emotional/mental giver in our relationship... and at this point, right now... I feel so spent. Know what I mean? It's not at all that I don't love my husband, of course I do, always will... now my lack of compassion in certain recent situations, is making my husband doubt how much I love him... but it's just where I'm at emotionally right now.... drained. 

Compassion is not the same as "putting up with"... compassion is a heart condition sweet friends, and that's why it's a dangerous place to be. When we no longer have compassion for people, it means something has changed in our hearts...maybe a hardening of some sort? I don't know exactly, but I know I must find a way to let my heart fill with compassion again. I won't be able to do this on my own, I'm too hurt to be able to replenish this myself, but the Holy Spirit can bring me to a place of....? is it reconciliation? is it surrender? is it healing? is it restoration? is it all of those? is it something else? I don't really know what this particular process will be. I don't want my heart to harden towards my husband. Last night was hard, I expressed something in my heart to him and it hurt him... then he took his turn. A long time ago, several years actually, we had a really bad few months, and one day it had gotten pretty rough, all of a sudden, I felt like something had "died" within me. I even wrote that down and placed it in my Bible, because I didn't understand it. I still don't, but for some reason I think it might have something to do with this. Whatever it was, maybe it is linked to "compassion". 

It's hard when we feel unseen and unheard isn't it? There's something that happens deep within when we feel like no one really cares about us. And how the Enemy loves this place doesn't he sweet friends? He loves it when we feel like no one cares, when we feel invisible, unimportant, unloved, and he wastes no time moving in during our darkest moments of rejection. 

My husband lost his job today. Oh I saw it coming, this has been a crazy few months and my husband has been struggling through it trying to get a grip on things. I think the job just ran out of patience. I get it. But it was a crushing blow this morning and instantly I felt... desperation and anger, not sure which one was stronger. The hardest part, Shawn got upset with me, for being upset. I hadn't even said a word, just couldn't stop the tears. I'm sure he knows I'm disappointed, I'm sure he knows I'm frustrated, I'm sure he knows I'm extremely worried and stressed. I'm sure he's replayed the many times I begged him to please keep this job and he reassured me that he would. He knows. But we haven't even gotten to the end of this day, and the focus has been...all about his needs. He's in a hard place, he's facing his own battles and really hard trials too....I'm trying to make room, but it's hard sweet friends.  

My compassion level, just lost the last little bit of what I had left. I don't know what to do sweet friends. I'm angry and I'm hurt. I feel brushed aside and frankly used... those are in other details that don't really need shared but they are most definitely present. The Holy Spirit has work to do in my heart, and honestly I'm not looking forward to whatever this process looks like. But I don't want a hard heart and I'm feeling it trying to creep in today. It takes a lot to make me angry but I'm there now and I know I need to work through the resentment now and surrender these feelings to the Holy Spirit and let Him help me change how I feel towards my husband. 

This is definitely some vulnerable sharing today and I still struggle with being so open on here. But it's part of my journey, Shawn is open about his struggles with people, and frankly, it just is what it is... real life and sometimes that gets really hard sweet friends. Our struggles aren't anything special but maybe by bringing you along, we can still encourage you to fight for what is right and fight for your marriage, relationships, whatever it is you are facing. God is using this blog to help me not hold things in so tightly. Now, am I this transparent in person? lol... working on it. It's easier to speak with strangers than those I walk with daily, why? I don't know, but I'm guessing God's in the process of working that out in me too. But for now.... this helps, and I trust it's for reasons beyond just giving me a place to land, I trust God is working in your hearts as well. Sometimes just realizing that we are not alone in all the hard does wonders. 

What does tomorrow look like for me? I have no idea. I'm trying to process everything that has just been affected and turned upside down today. I'm trying to navigate my feelings and frustrations and trying my best to be kind to my husband when I really just want to yell. I want to walk in obedience through this journey, and that requires discipline..and God is gonna have to teach me some more disciplines I think or I'm probably gonna get myself in trouble, know what I mean? So I guess tomorrow, I'll get up, sit at His feet. Probably lay all of this down again and ask Him to teach me. And then I'm going to do my best to keep my heart soft towards God as He works to bring these areas of my heart back into right standing with Him and work to keep my heart soft towards my husband as we navigate another level of "what are we doing now?".

Better days are ahead.... I'm going to choose to believe that. You too sweet friends, hang in there. -d

Sweet Spirit leading to "Surrender"...

 

      You know what I've learned throughout my entire journey with Jesus sweet friends? It's ALWAYS all about our surrender to Him. In everything. Our attitudes, our choices, our beliefs, our trials, our heartaches, our actions, our struggles, our sins.... it's all about whether or not we are willing to surrender to His will or not.

I LOVE the truth behind "It's Your kindness Lord, that leads us to repentance." Love that. Because it is absolutely 100% Truth.  

This journey I'm on has still been so humbling as I continue to see God's gentle hand leading me and guiding me into places of healing and restoration. It honestly brings the words "He cares for us"... to a whole different light, because it's so evident in my own personal life right now with how delicately God is bringing the hard things in my heart to the light and helping me to see the brokenness and harm that is present there. I don't feel condemnation from Him, because some of this stuff sweet friends, is my fault. I've caused some of my own brokenness. Now there's a lot that I didn't cause but that fact still remains.. and God has been gentle with me. How awesome is that? I am in no safer hands right now and because I know that He cares for me... I can work faster at "letting go" of those things and letting Him do His work in my heart because I can trust Him with all of it.

Church has been such a sweet time of refreshing and I can literally see Him at work restoring my soul. It's funny how some things can seem so "locked up" know what I mean? Like for instance... this past year has been so hard for me, something happened inside and I haven't been able to "find my song", at least that's how I describe it. I've been a worship leader since forever, always at any church I've ever attended, and even when we weren't a part of a church, I always found myself leading worship for friends and neighbors, retreats, ect. Because that's who I am. It's never been about a title but I love to worship, it's a lifestyle. Still is... my ability to sit at God's feet and worship Him has never been strained at all this past year, even in all the hard, I know where my hope lies. But in the Playing and Singing... that part... that part has been hard. I'm not really so sure why, I'm not even sure what has caused this part of me to "lock up" so to speak but it's a real thing for sure. HOWEVER... God has already started unlocking some of this for me, which has been crazy. First of all, when we moved to town, I was standing in my living room and heard the acoustics, and instantly had this thought of ... I should teach music lessons again. I also knew it was God who dropped that on my mind because well He had a plan obviously but also because it was a great way for a little extra income coming in this winter plus, I love giving lessons. It had been a while since I had given lessons, but I decided it sounded like a good plan and I figured I would just throw it out there and see if I couldn't grab a few students to fill a day and eventually once the roster was full for that day or a couple afternoons, then I would start teaching...eventually. My roster was full by the end of the day I advertised. lol! But it forced me to start right away not a month or so down the road.... know what I mean? And strangely enough... I started playing my instruments again. And after a couple weeks of teaching, I found myself standing at my keyboard, with my worship folder, playing.... and crying no doubt, but playing again. Something let loose inside. That's God at work in me.

We've been attending church just over a month, and the joy of just worshipping with fellow believers has been so refreshing as well. To sing with other Believers worshipping God together has been refreshing...and honestly, it's restoring something there too... I'm not sure exactly what, but I can sense it in my spirit that God is working. Now, I am in no way ready to "get involved"... just yet. I'm still in this journey and it's a hard journey sweet friends. Yes, God is working and restoring and inevitably, I will be stepping forward into whatever He has for me. But right now, the restoration and healing process is where I'm supposed to be. It's funny, I honestly thought I could fly under the radar for a bit, that was my stupid plan lol honestly, I should've known better. I'm sure God has been chuckling at me quite a bit over the last month. I literally am giving music lessons to people that happen to attend this church, the people who sit by us in church know I can sing (no real way to not let that happen unless I don't sing, but that would be dumb... I want to worship so I knew that might happen, that's on me), I found myself literally in a conversation where the current worship leader who doesn't really know me now, but knew me as a kid, knows I "used" to sing, also knows I teach guitar, and has been "praying"... she also shared some things at the table that God knew I needed to hear in this process. I felt myself panic a bit, I'm not gonna lie... because I'm not ready. But I know what God is doing...gently.... and I know where it's all heading in His timing. I'm walking the road of surrender; I'm working on it. Right now, it's not a rebelliousness in me, but more of a brokenness that needs repaired and restored before the "ready". And then of course my husband decides to tell the pastor all about us and ministry and me and music... lol. I literally have no control over anything.  And I'm guessing that's kind of the point. And as much as it makes me a little nervous, I'd rather God be in control over all this because honestly, I want to be made whole again. I want to be used in the way that He has gifted me in again. I no longer want to hide away. I want to be restored.

 You know what I love about being back in "church"... I love the simplicity here. There isn't a lot of "hoopla" so to speak. You know what I'm talking about. We've become so accustomed here the past couple of decades of so much going on inside our churches. Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with programs and activities that promote discipleship, and real fellowship, and spiritual growth amongst the people that attend... but sometimes, we get a little too focused on the "busy" and the "doing" that we simply forget about the "being". Right? 

I have found this to be encouraging and restorative in seeing a church body just be a church body. It just feels "real" .. because it is. My spirit bears witness to it. I have literally been standing inside church buildings, full of "believers"... and yet I know full well, that I am not standing in the Body of Christ. Sounds harsh? It is. But it's the heartbreaking truth sweet friends. Going to church, does not make you a part of the Body of Christ... Only Jesus can do that. Only the Holy Spirit can unify the Body. You simply either are or you are not in the Body of Christ. Now that goes against some church "theologies"... I don't care, it's the Truth. Find it in your Bible.  But this church... felt like "home" the minute we walked in... know why? This. The Spirit (Holy Spirit) that I know... is present in the lives of the people in this church. Awesome. As it should be. 

This past Sunday, my heart was so encouraged as I simply watched the Body of Christ, be the Body of Christ. There was an altar call, after a completely Biblically sound, step on your toes, let's talk about sin and really belonging to God sermon. And people went up to the altar for prayer... and then people walked over to other people still standing or sitting in the congregation... and had altar calls right there. And I loved that. Because that is a picture of a church body, in tune with the Spirit. People of God, being led by the Spirit of God to love on their Brothers and Sisters in Christ, whether those brother and sisters went forward to an altar and asked for prayer or not. THAT is the Body of Christ sweet friends. You know what happened inside that building on Sunday? People WERE the Church... and people experienced what it's like to really be a part of the Body of Christ. Awesome. 

You know, one thing I have really realized after stepping away from the building 10 years ago (not the Body of Christ but the buildings)... we have really become a "if you need something, like Jesus, or healing, or transformation, or encouragement, or anything at all....you know where to find us... here in our buildings. You come to Us. You ask for our Help."  Yikes sweet friends. What have we become really? What part of that mentality has come from God? I think we live in such a "self help"/ "you need to ask for help and then we'll give it to ya" type of society today even within the church that we've actually become calloused to hurting people within the Body of Christ, and those outside of the Body of Christ, the lost.   

There IS some truth of individuals (us included) that need to recognize our problems, take responsibility, and get to a point of asking for help. BUT that's not the COMPLETE truth sweet friends. The Bible actually is pretty contradicting to this "you must ask for help" mentality. It's actually an incredible worldly view to put it bluntly. There is definitely a balance, especially as Believers and leaders in the Body of Christ where we cannot BE people's Savior... that job ONLY belongs to Jesus and we can totally get in the way of what God is trying to accomplish with someone because WE want to be the ones to rush in and save them.... on the other extreme, is this mentality of WAITING on everyone to REACH out and ASK us for help. We actually can miss out on being the "hands and feet" of Jesus with this mindset can't we? There are examples of people coming to Jesus and the apostles and ASKING for help yes... absolutely. BUT there are also many examples of Jesus and the Apostles recognizing people that needed help... and helped them without being asked. yes? 

So what does that look like for us?  honestly, I don't really know, I guess it depends on you and the Holy Spirit and letting Him guide and direct you in each situation. But what I can say pretty confidently, is that we need to open our eyes and our ears to the people He puts in our paths. Strangers, neighbors, friends, and honestly... our Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Guys, it's our job to edify and lift each other up, to carry one another's burdens, to laugh and cry and confess and hold accountable... how many people end up giving up, walking away, living in bondage because no one takes the time to see them, or is willing to "interfere" with their lives? 

God tells us not to be "busy bodies" for sure... but He never told us to "mind our own business" when it comes to loving people and being willing to get involved when others are in need or hurting... right? THAT is a worldly mindset and we need to not adopt it into our thinking sweet friends. Be respectful of people always, but also be bold in letting them know, you see them, you care, you want to help. 

We just might be surprised how many people, will respond with a thank you and an open heart to whatever it is that God wants to do in their life... through us. Take the leap, what can it really hurt to show someone you really do care? Let's be the hands and feet sweet friends... and watch what God will do! 

luv ya -d 

In the Fight...

 

So what started out as let's do this for "2 weeks" has now become almost 2 months... and... Shawn and I decided it's going to be longer before he comes back "home". 

This is hard. 

It's hard because we are navigating this weird place full of uncertainties and struggle. It's hard because we're not "estranged" but we're also not "okay". We're in this together, whatever the days ahead bring. We'll get through it, because that's who we are.  

Here's the thing... we love to always point out that marriage isn't 50/50, it's really 100/100. If we're both not putting 100% effort into our marriage, problems will come. It's also true that it takes 2 in a marriage. Not everything is only 1 person's fault. It's also true that....

sometimes 1 person is having a lot of issues that can incredibly impact the marriage for both people. 

Sometimes... that's just marriage. Now, the truth is always that neither person is perfect and both people always can find things that they need to work on but the even bigger truth is... what each individual goes through in life and the personal choices each one of us make... affects the other person ALWAYS.

 I am so tired of this particular struggle sweet friends. I'm exhausted and frustrated at the constant...fight. And I don't mean the fight with each other, there is some of that as we try to move forward together and get on the same page, but that's not the "fight" I'm really talking about. It's the fight against ourselves actually. The inward stuff that all of this battle has started bringing to the surface in each of us. We're both battling with internal things as we try to figure out the "main" thing right now... and it's a little overwhelming and discouraging. This is the icky part of this journey of vulnerability... but I know the Holy Spirit and I know I'm not going to get this weight off my chest or the upset in my stomach to stop until I'm obedient... so, I guess I'll walk in obedience even though... I'm really kinda fighting this one.

  Several months ago, back in August, I was walking through Hobby Lobby, I was there with my mom and my sister for a girls day but I was off by myself, mainly because I had so much on my mind I just... ya know, needed a minute I guess. And I was walking by the Painting section and so I turned down the aisle and was just looking at all the stuff (I'm a painter) anyway, and I walked past this large canvas and I heard God say "buy this".  Of course I was like "why?"... and nothing, but I knew it was God and I knew the feeling I had, much like the one tonight, so I picked up this huge canvas and put it in my cart. As I was walking back down the aisle, I was trying to think of what I could do with it, I do some whimsy art for my shop so I thought maybe that's what I could do with it, and I turned the corner and I heard God say, "This is for you and Me. I want you to paint your feelings..."  WHAT??? Caught me off guard a little bit, I don't "paint my feelings" ever... I didn't even know what that was supposed to look like at all, but I said "ok". 

I got it in my sisters car..barely, and of course neither my mom or my sister flinched because a canvas is not out of my "norm" so that went undetected. I got it home, set this huge canvas in the corner of the camper Shawn and I were living in for the time being... and just stared at the blank and shook my head... where would I even start? It felt uncomfortable and I honestly had no idea really what God wanted from me, and why? What was the point? but... I decided just to start with something... so I went with black. All of it. Felt like that was a good representation of my feelings at that moment. I also didn't feel like it was something I had to constantly work on ya know? Just as things came up in my heart, I would add it to the canvas... see what happened.

Oh boy sweet friends, lol. When God tells us to do something... there is a reason, one we can't always see at the time, but always a reason.   Then one day a couple weeks later, I stood back as the tears flowed down my face and I realized exactly what God was doing with this "project" I was so humbled and thankful for such a personal God. So I love to prayer journal, not all the time just when I feel it's necessary, and I also have some pretty intense prayers that I've written down and stuck in my Bible... I love going back and seeing how God has answered those and how things have changed, or I've grown since then. So I'm used to doing those type of things but this canvas... has a specific purpose for this season of my life. It's kind of hard to explain but I'm seeing it more clearly each day I add something to it. This canvas is EVERYTHING that is going on in my life, all at once right now... and it's a picture of the last chapter of my life really, the past 16 years are being represented on this canvas, not intentionally by me, but as God is working on healing me from some things and restoring me for the next chapter (whatever that is) He is taking me through this Valley of Healing... and I am seeing it ALL... that's new. That's God. He is showing me all of these areas of hurt and broken, fear, pain....and LIFE. Life is showing up on this canvas in the midst of all the hard. I'm seeing the healing taking place in many areas even though I am still dealing with all the rest. Isn't God amazing... He KNEW I needed this canvas. I needed to see EVERYTHING laid out in front of me, not hidden in the pages of a journal but in my face. WOW.... HE is the Great COUNSELOR. He is our HEALER. He is AMAZING. 

I am humbled by this project between me and God. And what's even more amazing... HE has kept it hidden from my husband. I've been worried about this because it's a lot sweet friends and I'm not sure Shawn is in a place that he could see it ya know? We lived in a CAMPER... with a giant canvas sitting in the corner turned backwards of course, but huge... Shawn never turned it over. That's crazy lol, Shawn's also kind of nosey so I know it's God shielding him from it... for now. And I'm really okay with that, I need to work through some things before I add Shawn's feelings and opinions of my struggles into the mix. But I am thankful that God is big enough to take care of my privacy too. Now it's in the house, joined by a second canvas, tucked in behind my office closet door. No one knows about it... except for all of you now :) and honestly, I have no idea if anyone reading these posts are anyone I know personally but that's okay... maybe someday you'll get to see it in person. It's a long way off from that, but I have a feeling when God and I get done... this project piece is gonna look a whole lot different than it does now... a really beautiful testimony of how God worked things out in my heart and life, for His glory, and for my good. I can't wait for that day.

 There is a recurring theme throughout these canvases that I'm realizing... and I don't like it at all. It's amazing to me how my worth in many areas, has taken a huge hit. And I never realized it, saw it coming, have no idea how I allowed it to happen... but it's there. It's stupid, I know it's not truth... but man, it has wound its way through a lot of areas of my life... which is probably one of the points to the canvas. A very clear picture of where I'm at, and what needs "undone".  

Isn't it crazy how quickly an area of our lives can be affected by what "we" "allow" to take up residence in our minds and hearts. My problem was, I chose to ignore those things because I felt like I had "bigger" issues at the moment that I needed to deal with, so my focus went to those instead of what was starting to go on inside of me. I chose to brush my own feelings aside because I was tough and knew I could "handle it"... yeah, now it's handling me. Stupid. And then, when maybe I started to recognize those things, I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted that I didn't feel like I had the strength to put in the effort to face them, so I pushed them down farther... thinking that it was okay, because I was the only one really being affected by my hurt.... well, no not really... all the people I cut out of my life was affected by my retreat. Easier to see that now than it was then.  Here's the thing too... the Enemy is so good at what he does. When I am at my weakest, most tired, and run down.... it's easier for him to move in because I'm too distracted by my own mental and emotional exhaustion to notice what he's up to.

If he can keep us worn down and exhausted ... he will. Remember that sweet friends. Satan doesn't really have a ton of new tricks, he has just mastered the really simple ones and knows how to use them best.  And honestly, if you're married, he can use your spouse too. (If you're not married, he can use anyone close to you) but one thing I have realized over many years, one of the best ways for Satan to get to me, is to use my husband to tear me down. And it works every time. Satan can work to use me to tear Shawn down as well but truthfully, there are so many other ways that he is able to discourage my husband.. me, not so much. This has been really hard over the years, I'll admit that. I feel like Satan has definitely punched pretty hard at times. He's definitely trying again here in all this chaos. But, I see it... I'm doing my best to armor up and not give him what he wants, and I'm doing my best to fight for my husband while fighting with my husband lol sounds counterproductive doesn't it? But it's not, not if you understand what it is that you're fighting and you let the Holy Spirit lead you into the battles. I definitely make mistakes and let my flesh get in the way at times, but I am learning more and more how to fight the right way, and most importantly, when to just shut up and let the Holy Spirit do whatever He's got to do. It's hard for us to just "get out of the way" sometimes isn't it? Even if we think we're right, sometimes, it just isn't up to us to make those decisions for the other person. We are each only responsible for our own behavior, decisions, words, hearts.

(long sigh) It's been a rough week. My husband and I had a conversation right before church... left me pretty angry inside. I'm tired of the enemy, I'm tired of weak armor, I'm tired of excuses. I'm tired. This era of "letting go"... man, there's just so much that keeps coming in that department. I know it's necessary, because there is a process here, for both of us. We are both going through different things but both processes are about character development and frankly more than that, it's working both of our lives into righteousness. OUCH... first of all, it's humbling realizing I was a lot farther away from righteousness in some of these areas than I thought I was and secondly, transformation is hard sweet friends, you know this too. We want to walk uprightly with God but sometimes that process can make us question if it's really what we want yeah? lol .... but it is, because why in the world would we want any less? So, here I am... taking a breath and pushing forward, working on these unlovely parts of me, allowing God to reveal what needs fixed, and choosing to trust that He knows what He's doing in all of this. 

I can't see past the uncertainty and sometimes these really hurtful moments... but I know that I don't have to see it, to know that God is here, He is in control, and everything will be okay. Shawn and I love each other very much, and we are both fighting through this season as best we can individually and together. I know that we are not the only marriage getting attacked, or the only people getting attacked. We live in a time where the Enemy of God's people is relentlessly bull rushing us all.... because he knows his time is short and his only goal is to take us all out.... we get it.... too bad Satan, you've already lost.

Stay strong sweet friends, whether it's your marriage, your family, your friends, your work, your ministry, or just you individually that is under attack and you feel desperate and defeated.... YOU are not, YOU have a hope, YOU can make it, YOU can be victorious in the face of evil. Put your hand in God's, ask Him to help you build your armor up, let Him lead you into the battle, and with everything you have sweet friends.... FIGHT!

love you -d 

What I know about love... so far.

   

My husband and I are on our 18th year of marriage. That seems crazy. Where did time go? Today is Valentine's Day and honestly, I've been doing some pondering the last 24 hours. This Valentine's is hitting a little bit different this year and .... that's ok. We are in a season of change. A season of reflection. A season of painful growth. That sounds a little weird but sweet friends, some growth comes with a lot of pain and I'm afraid we're there. And that's ok. The important part is, growth. 

      I've been thinking about "love" and what that looks like, what it really means, how it's changed over the years from what it was in the beginning for us. And here's what I'm realizing...

Love is long suffering.

Some versions use the word patient, but honestly, I like the phrasing of long suffering because it hits home a little more, because being patient with your spouse when they keep leaving the toilet seat up or trash all over the house or socks on the floor instead of the hamper, is a mild annoyance but we can be patient with the quirks of our spouse. But when our spouse is suffering from a deep hurt that they've carried for years and can't find the freedom to be able to lay it down, or they struggle in an area and can't seem to ever get to a place of surrender with God so those things becomes a part of who they are and it continues to show up and affect their lives, your life, the places God wants to take you but can't because He desires hearts before ministry... Love sticks by your spouse's side as you take their hand and you just keep walking, and praying, and hoping that someday.... they can let go and you both can move forward. In all honesty, sometimes suffering does last for a long time... but are we willing to walk through all the hard things that we literally have no control over as we patiently wait, for our spouse to get to the place they need to in order to heal? 

Love is kind.

Such a simple word but man.... it's hard sometimes isn't it sweet friends? Especially in a close relationship where you feel "safe" to let it all out. We can really hurt the people we feel safest with can't we? We went through a season where I filled our home with decor and notes that reminded us to be kind. We both needed that reminder in our faces constantly because the season we were in was hard. I might buy some more stuff now lol. Our words are so important sweet friends, the power of life or death is in the tongue... God warns us about that. He is so right. I know I am in a season right now where I am trying so hard to watch my words. I know that I have deeply hurt my husband this year, never intentionally... my heart has always been to champion my husband and to encourage him, I never want to destroy him, we've been through too much to try and tear him down now... but nonetheless, when my husband was hurting inside, I said words that deepened that hurt, that rubbed the wrong way, that frankly the enemy used to cause doubt and confusion... the enemy is super good at tricks like that. And I've realized especially this year as my husband has been battling a lot of things, that my words carry a lot more weight than I ever thought they did... and I need to be very intentional and careful with the words that I say. This is a lot harder than it sounds. Especially in moments when I find myself angry and hurt... but that's what love is too right? Love isn't about getting even or making sure that I am understood in that moment... but love is seeing past the circumstances and choosing to be kind, to speak life, and sometimes... if you don't have anything nice to say...don't say anything at all.. right? I never want to tear people down, I know that I have, even unintentionally, and that breaks my heart. I want people to feel safe around me and I want people to feel cared about and empowered when they are around me, I am in no way anybody's Savior... no thank you. But, I do want people to find me as a real friend even just for a moment. And I want my husband to always feel safe with me.

Love does not envy.

 Oh man, we don't think of this happening in a marriage, but it does sweet friends doesn't it? It may not be the most common thing we deal with throughout our marriages but it does rear it's ugly head once in a while. Shawn and I have both dealt with this. Shawn has always envied my relationship with God, crazy huh? Makes more sense as the years have gone by but early on in our marriage it was hard. Now, don't take that and run with it, Shawn has a strong relationship with God too. But, sometimes when we are weak in an area and someone else is really strong in that area... we can easily wish we were there too ya know? It happens. The awesome thing about God... He has no favorites... we can all be as deep and strong as we want to be with Him. Remember that sweet friends.

Me, I have envied Shawn's friendships over the years. I cut off my friendships and made a huge effort to isolate myself or at least hold people at a distance the last 10 years. Why? because I wanted to protect my husband. Sounds noble right? lol yeah... my heart was in a good place but it was also a dumb decision on my part. I didn't feel like I could be honest with people because we were going through some hard things and Shawn was going through some hard things which brought about some problems.. and I knew people would be mad at him. So I kept my mouth shut. I did damage to myself, and frankly, maybe to him as well. Maybe help would've been a good thing at the time. I'll never know for sure, but what I do know, is that I missed people. And even though I was glad Shawn had friends (though, they didn't know anything about what was going on either, but Shawn, and I think I've heard that most men do? has a great way of being able to switch gears and keep things in separate boxes so to speak.. and us women kind of have a hard time doing that... I do anyways) I envied the fact he had friends he could talk to about just the normal life stuff and be encouraged and prayed for and he even found a group of guys that hug each other... how awesome is that really? I'm all for that.  But I felt like I sacrificed friendships in order to protect my husband. My heart was in the right place I think towards my husband, but I don't think I actually did the right thing... I caused a lot of extra pain for myself and probably my husband too. It's amazing how one bad decision we make sweet friends can cause a chain affect in so many areas. I wish we could all just get it right the first time yeah?

I'm trying to better today. Shawn is trying to do better today. And hopefully as we move through this year, we can both celebrate each other and not find ourselves wishing and wanting what the other has.

Love does not parade itself.

 Some versions.."boast". In other words... love isn't selfish. Oh boy. Who hasn't dealt with this in a marriage???? (long sigh....) We're selfish people aren't we? I hate this fact. I hate how hard it is DAILY to make sure we are not focusing on ourselves, our own needs, wants, desires, feelings, frustrations, pain... and wish we both did a better job of laying our lives down for each other. I'm thinking Shawn and I are probably pretty equally guilty on this one. I almost think I am more guilty now than I have been our entire marriage truthfully. Maybe it's just because I'm in a season of exhaustion and I don't have the energy it "feels" like to care like I used to. Maybe it's not unhealthy necessarily in some things but I think I need to find that healthy line of what is "selfish" and what is not. Because truthfully, me being in a place of "not caring" is pretty selfish yeah? We're both in this stage right now and we've got some hard work to do that's for sure. "I love my husband/wife" is easy to say isn't it sweet friends, until we start looking at just how selfish we can be throughout our days... yeah. Really loving someone by dying to ourselves and putting their needs above our own... kinda where the rubber meets the road in marriage (and life.. with everyone) Walk humbly... probably one of the hardest things we'll ever do. But I guess we can be thankful that Jesus came and literally showed us how it's done, so.... no excuses right? 

Love is not puffed up... (Prideful)

hmmmmmm. Change is a part of growth. Change is hard. We need to grow. We are constantly changing and growing aren't we? And that requires us to continue to get to know each other... again, and again, and again. It also requires a submissive heart not only to each other as we move forward together through all life's changes, but also a constant surrender to the Holy Spirit as we become who He's calling us to be and all the changes that need to take place in us along the way. Pride doesn't just "show up" one day... it creeps into our hearts daily if we allow it, until one day, it's too big to contain. Pride has to die daily sweet friends. That's hard.  Sometimes in our marriage, we get too caught up in our "rights"... I have a right to feel this way.... I have a right to act this way... I have a right to be angry and bitter... 

we actually don't sweet friends. we don't. Because we belong to God and He is very clear where our "rights" die and He lives within us. There is a balance here... a healthy balance. We have God given emotions and we have the right to "feel" them... but we do not have the "right" to act outside the boundaries of what God tells us is acceptable. And that takes work knowing and understanding what those boundaries are. It all boils down to our individual relationship with God and allowing Him to teach us where those boundary lines are between righteous and disobedient. These are hard lessons in a marriage aren't they? And we cross these lines way too much. But when we do cross them, there are painful consequences.

Love does not behave rudely.

Welp.... oops. It would be easy to throw this one in with being kind and watching our words... but it's a little more than that. I believe "rude" is more a heart attitude than a vocabulary slip up. And that's what makes it more painful I think. The intent behind the words. This is hard to control because we are emotional people (all of us) and we tend to speak from our emotions. That's why God says, "out of the heart, the mouth speaks".

Our emotions can get us into a lot of trouble can't they? I know over the years, I have tried really hard to master the art of filtering through my emotions before they come spilling out of my mouth. Unfortunately, I may have tried to master a little too much ya know what mean? Now I'm finding... I have sort of "shut down" my emotions out of self preservation. That's going to be fun "unlearning". But I have become more intentional over the years to filter before I speak and to really evaluate where I'm at before I talk about things. I've never really been a "blurt things out as they come" kind of person but definitely have gotten better at checking myself first. Now, my face has a tendency to show you what I'm thinking instantly... which is something I am working on, but what shows up on my face and what comes out of my mouth are completely different lol. 

You know it's funny (not really) but recently, Shawn was pretty hurt by me and he said "Do you realize that you never look at me anymore..." That realization for me, hurt too. He wasn't wrong. I hadn't realized I was doing that, but I do. And honestly sweet friends, it's because of this right here.... my face is showing my instant frustration, hurt, anger, in the moment it happens. Now, what comes out of my mouth is still filtered but right now, Shawn is focusing more on my face than my words. And that's hard. Because right now, my husband is in a place inside where he is easily hurt on top of other hurt... and unfortunately, when we filter how we see and hear things through our own emotions... it's easy to misread a look, or assume way more than we should in a situation. And that's what's happening right now... I don't really think it's anybody's fault, it's just what he's going through, but... it makes things really hard. And me hiding my face from my husband because a simple look of frustration, can actually be a huge fiery dart into his heart... makes me shut down and try to become as invisible as possible in a hard conversation... because I don't want him to read more into my face than what is actually there, because I do love him. Is this healthy? Absolutely not... it's not healthy for either of us... but we're gonna be working on this and come to a better place of heart attitudes towards each other. Not easy sweet friends... we can be rude and hurtful. This needs to change.

Love does not seek it's own....(demand it's own way)

Man, this blog is getting a lot harder than I thought it would be lol. It's okay, clearly as the tears are falling this morning, and God is gently revealing some things that I haven't wanted to recognize in myself or even in my husband... He is opening some locked rooms, know what I mean? It's not fun... but God is definitely using this vulnerability in blogging right now to work... and I guess I'm thankful for that. And for whoever you are that needs to read this and know that you are not in this journey alone...I'm praying for you. Please know that.

Back to not demanding our own way. Yikes. This has been by far one of the HARDEST lessons I have had to and still have to learn in marriage. My way is not always the right way to do something. And my way might be the right way to do something but that doesn't always matter because sometimes we just have to learn something or work through something however we need to. And sometimes we just have to "back off" and let each other go through something however we need to go through it. And we have to be okay with that. And that's hard. 

It's hard watching the struggle in someone else isn't it? Especially if we love them. We want to "fix" everything don't we? Shawn and I both have this problem. We both want to "fix" the other person's problems or situations... but usually we just end up making it worse or end up hurting each other in the process. The truth is, we can't fix other people. We're actually not meant to. Only Jesus can be our Savior, their Savior... and until we/they submit whatever part of them needs fixing to Him, all we can do sweet friends is learn how to "love" them through THEIR process. Whatever that looks like, right or wrong, long or short... it's Theirs. That's hard to do huh? And not just in marriage... but in all relationships, in ministry, everything. We want our way to be the way of choice... for everyone.... but it's not. And it can't be. We're all different and though God sets standards and boundary lines and rules and expectations for all of us that are the EXACT SAME because we are His Children and He has no favoritism with any of us... our journeys are still so very unique and different.... and incredibly personal between us and our Creator. How amazing is that really? Let's not forget that with anyone. But especially those we hold extra close and those we actually walk daily with... let them be. 

Love is not provoked.

This one is particularly a painful one for me. Not that I haven't ever provoked my husband but truthfully, I have done my very best for many years to not provoke him. Things don't usually go too well for me when Shawn is angry so this isn't something I take lightly for sure.  But being on the other side of this has probably been one of the most hurtful places for me. I don't like being provoked. I don't like feeling that the one person who is honestly supposed to love me, tries to get me to a place where I act out of character. Character that I take very seriously and put my whole heart into. I am ALWAYS 100% responsible for what I say and what I do no matter what the circumstances are. And I have learned over the last several years, just how weak my armor has been in a couple areas... and it surprised me how it wasn't as strong as I thought it was. And I'll be honest sweet friends, I have learned a lot about God's heart throughout this particular struggle. Even when I get to a place where I reach my breaking point and I step into sin... God's heart Breaks for me. Did you hear what I'm saying? We often think that God just gets angry with us when we sin, and that's not untrue but I also think it very much depends on the circumstances the type of response God has towards us in those moments of sinful behavior. He tells us that He looks at our hearts. I am so thankful for this huge truth about God sweet friends. Ya know the moment I reach this particular breaking point and do what I absolutely HATE to do... I instantly feel bad.. not because I think that God is furious with me, but because I've done something that I know hurts His heart. He can take it lol, but it doesn't change the fact that it's disappointing that I haven't strengthened my character in that area and I allowed myself to cross a line I don't want to cross. But you know what I've sensed in my spirit, in these moments of my weakness and sin... God is more upset and broken over what got me there and He knows my heart is breaking over my own sin. And though repentance IS necessary for me to address my downfall with God, He has always been so gentle in those moments of my repentance. God loves us sweet friends and He knows our hearts in those moments of weakness. Press forward and build that armor stronger than it was yesterday. 

Also know this, our actions are always 100% our responsibility. But when WE cause others to stumble or we intentionally provoke them to anger.... WE are 100% responsible for OUR actions in doing so. And God is NOT okay with us doing that to other people. In fact, He's quite fierce. So sweet friends, don't do it. If you find yourself struggling with this, talk to Jesus and ask Him for help in guarding your own heart to never want anyone to stumble into sin. 

Love keeps no record of wrongs.

Oh boy, 18 years is a long time full of mess ups. This is probably a super hard one for most people yeah? Shawn and I are kind of opposites on this one. I will say this, one thing I started doing many many many years ago before Shawn and I ever got married, I was always really involved in ministry and leadership and you are always dealing with people that can disappoint and hurt you right? Well, I had witnessed so many people leaving the church and ministry because they had been hurt, and I didn't want to ever get to that place in my own life so I started praying a really simple but powerful prayer..."Lord, help me love people." Changed my life. I encourage everyone in ministry or not to pray that little prayer, it makes a huge transformation in your heart I promise. So I am not the type of person that holds grudges and frankly it takes an awful lot to upset me, which I'm thankful for. 

But, when Shawn and I started down a really hard journey, I knew that I did not want to become angry or bitter and waste my time on focusing on hurts, ect. So the Holy Spirit started doing an amazing work throughout my marriage in teaching me how to work through things as they came and deal with anger and resentment and really learn how to forgive my husband as we walked through the fires. And I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit teaching me how to do that. We don't forget things, but they don't have to grip us and hold us back if we don't let them. This is a continual process in my life to "let things go" with anyone that hurts me. People hurt other people. Hurt people hurt people. But if we can learn how to process our pain and not let it build up in anger, then hopefully we won't be the ones walking around hurting other people and that's a good goal I think. 

Love does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth.

I am THANKFUL for a husband with big integrity and morals. This might be an area that we actually do well in! Finally. lol. We both share the same values and beliefs and we both work really hard to please God with our lives. Quick to admit where we don't have things all together. Do our best to never walk in hypocrisy and always encourage each other and everyone around us to do what is right. Accountability has always been huge in our marriage and we both do our best to "keep each other in line" with our actions and words. 

Love bears all things.

This one, is super hard sweet friends.  There's a lot of heavy burdens that we carry in this life don't we? And it would be so amazing if we could always tell them and share them with the one we've chosen to "do life with" right? And honestly, if you have found that to be an easy thing in your marriage... you are so blessed and need to be so thankful for that. I don't really feel like this particular topic is one I'm willing to dive in on but I will say, this love action carries a lot of weight in a marriage. And I think honestly if this particular area could be one of the strongest areas, a lot of the areas would probably not be as hard. 

Also, sometimes it's easy for us to listen and get involved with other people's burdens, especially when we are in ministry (right?) and at the same time neglect the people we live with. It's a hard thing, but it happens way too much.

We have definitely not mastered this....yet. 

Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...

THIS. 

What a journey 18 years have been. Don't doubt your spouse. Man, that takes mental effort.  Building a foundation where you can trust each other is actually hard, because saying you trust someone isn't the same as actually putting your hand in theirs and saying, "k, let's go."  Trust is built over time. Day in and day out. Ups and downs. Good and Bad. Consistency and Character are foundational to Trust. 

When life gets hard, when things feel stale, when you go through phases in your relationship, when things change.... this foundation is what will see you through. This is marriage.

This is where we are at right now in our own marriage journey. It's tough. But we have a solid foundation and for that.... we'll be okay. We'll make it. We will win.

These verses, have been a good reflection on our marriage... but these verses are a deeper reflection of our relationship with God. Which is what marriage is actually a picture of isn't it? Kinda cool how God did that I think. Show us what His relationship with us is SUPPOSED to be like. 

The truth about a strong marriage, is the fact that it's not just about you and your spouse. It's about GOD, you, and your spouse. Sweet friends, without God in the CENTER of your marriage... it's too hard. You might be able to cut God out of your marriage and stay together till the end of time even... but you're doing it wrong. Things are still gonna be so much worse and damaging for you in the long run if you choose to leave the Designer of Marriage, out of your marriage. That's just facts. 

The truth is, these verses weren't written about marriage, you know that right? They were written about us and our relationship with God. And how that spills out in our lives in how we love others. Spouses included. Every relationship we have sweet friends, stems and is determined by what our relationship with Jesus looks like. Get that right, all this stuff will get right too.

I'm focusing on where I'm at with my marriage... but now it's time to go back through these, and have a conversation with God about some things ya know? God knows what He's doing with me... and I love that about Him. Gentle reminders that my relationship with Him matters... to Him. 

This blog took 24 hours to finish... cuz I'm busy... but also because I had to take some time to wipe a few tears here and there and just sit with a few things for a bit. I hope whoever reads this super vulnerable blog, finds whatever it is that God is wanting you to find here. He loves you, and He wants to make not only our relationships, whether it's marriage, or friendship, or just our relationship with Him... completely whole. He's the Only One that can sweet friends. Trust Him and remember this very HUGE truth....

Love Never Fails. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 

  

  

Coming "Home".....

 

Oh sweet friends, you know how we read in the Bible all these stories of how God restores right?   And He is a Restorer of so many things yes?! Different types of restoration are referenced throughout the Bible and what a beautiful picture of God's heart really. God loves His creation, all of it. And all the things that He's created for us and the good works He's begun in us.... He loves those things too. And when those things, are stolen from us because of whatever circumstances we face and sometimes because we allow the enemy access to take those things from us, or the things that we've forgotten and pushed away because of trials we may have been going through, or the things that we've had to lay down and walk away from for a while because God asked us to in order to serve Him better.

Those things..... He can resurrect and restore.... because that's Who He is and because He loves His creation. It's actually pretty phenomenal if you ask me. Maybe because I'm witnessing this process more than I ever have before and it means so much because it's so .... personal.

So if you've followed my journey on here over the last 10 years (I've been blogging for 10 years... crazy) or if by chance you are someone who actually knows Shawn and I personally... then you know how big this next sentence is...

The time has finally come, honestly quite unexpectedly, but God has called us back to "Church".

I know right?! 

Honestly, it has been such a humbling feeling, not in a "don't be prideful" kind of way, but rather in a "thank you God, I have missed this part of my life so much" kind of way. It's humbling because He's been so gentle in drawing us back in to the fellowship of a church body. And the crazy thing here is, this particular church we have felt led to go to... is my roots. I attended this church as a child and there is a real sweetness to this part of my journey. One that I can "feel" is a huge part of my restoration. God is so gentle with us sweet friends. I'm humbled by His hand in my life right now.

I'm also nervous, I'm not gonna lie. You know what's awesome about walking into a place full of SPIRIT FILLED PEOPLE? ..... you instantly feel at "home".  You know what's terrifying walking into a place full of Spirit filled people?.... You know the Holy Spirit can tell them anything He wants to about you and they'll hear it. lol.... and as much as I find that comforting, I also find it a little scary right now, know what I mean? There's a lot going on in our lives. A lot going on in my heart. And I've walked a hard journey alone for the last 10 years, an incredibly private journey. What does God have in store for me when it comes to "restoration"? I really have no idea, but you know what my biggest struggle is going to be I think? Vulnerability. And as much as I hate to admit that, because that is not how I want to be.... it's there and I know it's going to be a bit of a struggle to learn how to let go in that area. It's much easier writing to people I can't see... crazy huh? And truthfully, I'm already sensing that He might be talking to some people there about me.... yikes. 

You know what else I'm internally having a struggle with... the fact that we had to walk back into a building, in order to feel connection within the Body of Christ. Now we rub shoulders with the Body of Christ all the time sweet friends, you know, we've never given up "meeting together" with other Believers... we just stopped going to the buildings that also housed wickedness and mingled relationship with God and relationship with the gods of this world at the same time (not any different than what we read about in the Bible huh?) but.... it bugs me sweet friends, that in order to belong and frankly be cared about... WE had to GO to a Building. 

Now there's nothing wrong with going to a building full of God's people. And these particular people have done nothing wrong. Clearly.  But in the past 10 years, of not having a "church" home... God has really taught Shawn and I what He meant about us "Being" the Church. And sadly, we've really realized just how far we ALL have strayed away from God's heart on this. We expect people to come to us. Not us go out... and make disciples. 

You know what's crazy, when we made the decision to walk out of the building 10 years ago... people right away wanted us to "come to their church", lots of people from many different churches. Because we had good relationship with many people in the "church community", people knew us, people wanted us in ministry at their church. Awesome. Of course, we said no since God was the one removing us from this particular part of our lives. But over time, you know what happened? We didn't matter anymore. Now that sounds harsh... but???? 

It's okay, we aren't actually upset about it, but it was a HUGE learning experience for us. We NEEDED the Body of Christ sweet friends, really in so many ways... and so many of them (not all but most) were no where to be found, because they were too busy inside their buildings. And my guess is assuming we were inside a different building therefore not needing any of them to care... which totally was not the case. And I believe that is the absolute truth. Now we were just as guilty right? It just took us walking out to realize how we ALL were missing the point of how to "BE" the Church.  

God has taught us over the past 10 years how to really "love our neighbors" and honestly sweet friends, I am so very thankful for this hard and sometimes painful lesson we have learned. And it's a lesson that we are not going to forget, even as we step back into a building. WE are the CHURCH and we need to connect and love on our Brothers and Sisters in Christ no matter whether they frequent a building here in town or not. We've got to do a better job at being the Body. What if.... there's people out there just like us, going through some really hard things, and they never make their way into our building? What happens to them? Is it their fault? Is it our fault? Is it both? I don't know. There's an element to us taking the first step towards connection, taking responsibility in knowing that is what God is calling us to do and also realizing the place we are at and the need to belong right now. However, we are the Body of Christ and there is an expectation that God places on us to do what He's called us to do in loving the Body and that is more us learning how to sacrifice and lay down our lives for others, not wait for everyone to come to us. 

There's a balance but we need to know what that balance is. 

If anything, this journey has taught me to not wait to love on somebody if I have an opportunity to do so. To not just assume that "somebody else" is being a friend, or a support, or an encourager... just "do" whatever God is laying on my heart to do "WHEN" He's asking me to do it. Obedience really is all it is sweet friends. And a willingness to be a little "inconvenienced" to take my focus off of my own life for a little bit and really practice loving others.

So, this is a bit of an adjustment, stepping back inside a building and all that comes with it. Keeping my heart soft to the things that God is actually calling me back to (I know some of those things are coming... because it's who I am and I know it's part of what God is wanting to restore in me) I'm not ready today, I may not be ready for a while... but I will fight the fear and the tired and do my best to let go and let God resurrect the things that have died within me over the years... because those things belong to Him, and whatever He desires from me.... I want to be obedient. He deserves nothing less. Because He has always been faithful, even when I allowed the enemy to steal from me, even when I buried and silenced the dreams and desires He had placed within me, even when I've forgotten the purposes and His promises for me, even when I willingly laid down those things that were so very important to me, the things that helped define who I was, because He asked for my heart before my talents... I laid them down at His feet. And now, I'm going to watch God restore all the things that I have lost over the years.

Because HE is always faithful sweet friends. He is always faithful.

I'm guessing... there's more to come. ;) love ya sweet friends. -d 

Finding Some Chinks in My Armor...

 Oh sweet friends.... what a month this has been! I'll tell you what, I am battle weary no doubt. My armor has taken a beating, but... it held together praise God. One thing I have really learned and become so much more aware of on this journey of faith, is that WE are in charge of strengthening that armor. Daily. The areas where our armor isn't as thick, or as strong, weaker... we NEED to do the work with the Spirit to strengthen those pieces and build our armor up.  We love to think "I have the armor of God woot woot, I can face anything" and that's it right? I mean, that's also truth, but there is SO MUCH MORE to our armor than that isn't there? Ever thought about it? You should. It's important. These battles we face can be really tough and sometimes even unbearable it seems at times doesn't it? And that is why the strength of our armor is so important sweet friends. The Enemy is relentless and he will not let up.... but our armor needs to hold up under the pressure and attack. And that really is on us. One thing about this journey I'm on sweet friends, It's been good at showing me where my weaknesses are. I've got work to do. 

It's been pretty "dark" for me these last couple of weeks, know what I mean? A couple days, I literally just sat on the floor, turned on some worship music, and stared at the wall (not in like a creepy losing my mind type of way lol) but more a "I'm at the end of my rope, I can't function, I need peace and quiet, catch my breath, and just trust in Jesus" kind of way. It's been rough. And I've heard the enemy off and on trying to plant harmful things in my mind... the jerk. But I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit and the discernment to recognize the enemy when he tries to pounce. I'm on the other side of that now, and I think God is giving me a little reprieve from the enemy and the chaos... and I'll take it for as long as He'll give it to me. A gentle reminder that God IS in the midst of the trial and He is ABSOLUTELY faithful to us... always.

 Ya know, no matter what we face in this life, whether it's of our own making, or someone else's, or just because of the fallen world that we live in... there's always a lesson sweet friends, because that's who God is. He will turn everything into good for those that love Him.  I'm not sure what all the lessons I'm supposed to be learning through all of this are just yet, but I can tell you that the word TRUST is definitely holding a deeper meaning every day as I walk through this uncertain and unpredictable journey right now. Learning to lean on the Spirit and trust that I'm making the right decisions, not only for myself but for others close to the situation, forces me to stay close to His side and in the center of His peace which is the only thing guiding me in all this chaos.

You know what's been interesting here lately? Every time I sit down in the mornings to open up my Bible, my mind wanders to the situation I'm in, the worries I have, the stress of it all... and I hate that. I want to focus on what God has for me, be strengthened, grow... you know what I'm talking about, I know many of you experience this too. Whether it's just me dealing with everything on my mind or whether it's spiritual... it doesn't really matter honestly, it just needs to change and I need to learn how to press in harder and get to His feet... know what I mean? Because that's where I'm going to find my strength. 

(long sigh.......) I'm working on it. I'm tired. But, it's an important part of this battle and I will get there. 

You know what else I'm learning in this difficult time? The art of "listening". Do you know how many times I honestly feel like no one listens to me? A lot this year actually. I'm not really angry about it, more sad and disappointed than anything, but definitely more aware of it. Probably because I'm a little raw right now and wish someone would be interested enough to ask the hard questions, or truthfully even any questions about my life really. Several months ago, the Holy Spirit dropped something in my heart to do with my husband. The Holy Spirit told me to go 31 days (why? no idea) in silence with my husband... now this is in no way comparable to the "silent treatment".. not at all, this was about me honestly just letting him talk things out and not say anything unless he specifically asked for my opinion or asked me a question.  Now, that definitely went against my grain, lol. BUT it was necessary because Shawn was in a hard place and no matter what I said, it would make things worse. And I watched as the Holy Spirit brought out some things in my husband during that process. Now truthfully... we're still kinda in this "me keeping my mouth shut" season of our lives which is probably why I wish other people would be interested in listening to me lol and probably why God is like, "you need to blog" lol... hold too much stuff in and I'll explode right? But this has been an interesting time for me too. The Holy Spirit has definitely had to teach me the discipline of keeping my mouth shut and knowing when to speak and knowing the right words to say. I have messed up a few times but I am learning everyday and as hard as it has been, I'm thankful for the lesson. It's made me more aware and more intentional in the words that I do say to everyone I talk to and it's made me a better listener I believe. And I've found this determination, to ask people questions, to intentionally show them that I am interested in their lives. And that matters sweet friends. I can see it in the faces of the friends, strangers... that I talk to. People want to be cared about. People want connection. I want connection. "Ain't nothin to it but to do it." (quote my youth pastor used to always say... it's a good one and super true.) And the reality is... what do we really have to lose? Nothing sweet friends. We have nothing to lose in trying to care and connect with others... but what an amazing thing we could GAIN if we make that connection right? So do it. Let's be more intentional in connecting with the people God places in our lives. They might just be feeling as hurt and lost as we are. Reach out.

Love you sweet friends, I'm sure there's more to come. Pray for me, I'm praying for you. And remember... God IS faithful to us always. Stay close. -d 

My Mustard Seed

 

You know sweet friends, I've always thought the mustard seed passage was mostly about these huge acts of faith, focusing on "moving the mountains" and the point was that even if we had a little faith, we had what we needed to see God move in a mighty way so we needed to grow our faith and walk in big ways with God because the more we grow in our relationship with Him, the more we will see Him move in our lives. I'm not wrong.... but God has been teaching me the other side of having mustard seed faith.

The side where.... when everything is closing in around you and you do not feel like you have the strength to press on... but you still know that He is there.... He can still move the mountains. 

Life has been pretty hard lately and though my faith has not been shaken, I know who God is and I don't doubt Him one bit. He's proven Himself faithful to me too many times to ever question His presence in my life. BUT.... I have been so tired. (know what I mean?) I don't have the same energy when I get up in the morning to sit at His feet, I still do it, but my prayers sound different than they normally do, my focus is on things that I'm not normally distracted by, I'm a worship leader (not a title, it's who I am).... and I've had a hard time finding my song this year... does that make sense? (I listen to worship music all the time and worship, but I don't sit with my guitar or play my keyboard like I used to all the time...I just can't do it...) But, even in this season of a heavy heart... my faith is my foundation and even at my weakest points, that mustard seed is enough.

Because God responds to the quiet tears when I have nothing to say. Or the weeping that comes when everything feels like it's falling apart and everything hurts inside. Or the times I just sit in silence and shake my head because I have no idea what to do. He responds to all those things because even though I have absolutely no control over things that are happening, I TRUST that HE is still in control and I can still do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.  - Mustard Seed.

I'm not doing anything amazing for the Kingdom, but I am watching God move mountain after mountain in my life this past year... all because I know that He can and I trust Him to work in my life. His presence in my life has been so evident, I could list so many things. Do you know that even though life is pretty hard right now, I feel so loved by God. How amazing is that sweet friends? My heart aches for people who don't have a relationship with God, even more so for those who claim to but never get to this point of really experiencing a real relationship with Him. He is so very real and so very personal with each of us. He loves us and is fiercely protective of us. He is sweet friends, sometimes we may not feel that way because He allows bad things to happen to us in this life... but if we could just open our eyes and see Him working for us in the midst of those bad things... we'd understand that He does care and He is very present in our lives. ....maybe you need to activate your mustard seed right now and look up?

I'm looking at some pretty big mountains in front of me right now, and I have no idea how or when they are gonna move.... but I know they will. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on all the blessings I can see in the midst of this dark season. Faith IS a journey. An incredibly personal journey with my God and I regret nothing that I've had to go through and nothing that I will go through, because of what I KNOW is waiting for me on the other side. I can trust that. Because I trust Him. 

Love you sweet friends, praying for your faith journey today. I hope God has encouraged your heart to press on towards the goal. We can make it! -d

A time to be alone....

 Christmas Day was really hard this year sweet friends. Not because anyone was missing from the table, in fact we had a house full of family, friends, and extended family this year. Happy voices and laughter filled the room. My dad, who normally eats the meal and leaves... lingered for a long time. He told me before he left, "This was really nice, to be around happy people today, this was good." My heart soared for my Dad, he's been going through a lot these past few years and I could see the difference the day made for him.

But it was a very different day for me.... nobody in the room knew the real battle taking place. My husband was having a meltdown. Now, parts of that were very evident to the people sitting around, I don't think anyone in the room didn't realize quickly that something wasn't right with my husband.   Normally he's the fun guy in the room, full of good conversation and laughter... but that's not what anybody saw. 

I'm telling you sweet friends, when we allow things to continue to build and fester in our lives, it's going to spill out in the most inconvenient of times. And it did. He left me at my mom's house and went home. Then he packed a bag and left. Merry Christmas. 

Sweet friends, we're okay. This is more about what he is personally going through than us as a married couple. And I really debated even writing about this and sharing something super personal here. But... it's part of this journey we are both on. It's part of my journey and allowing you to walk with me through this, I believe is part of what God is doing in me. Sharing this type of information about the deep things in my life, has become a very foreign concept the last 10 years. God is bringing me out of that part of my life. Will I be careful what I do share on here, absolutely. But... this is REAL life, and we all go through hard times, I'm no different. But maybe, just maybe I can lead even through this. I will get through this, God will have the victory in my life, in my attitude, in my actions and if I can bring you along and show you how to do that... maybe it will encourage you in whatever struggle you are facing.

The thing about Believers, we need to be showing people how to walk through our struggles not pretend we never have any. My husband and I are just 2 people going through something that SO MANY couples go through. We aren't special. But we both belong to Jesus and because of THAT, we can bring you along in this journey and show you, how 2 people that belong to Jesus can and will find victory and will learn how to surrender to our Creator and Author of our lives. 

This road could continue to get rocky, and we have an Enemy that is for sure targeting and chasing us right now... like so many other Believers right now (yes? you know what I mean, if you are filled with the spirit, there is no denying demons have amped up their game here recently everywhere... we are definitely in a spiritual war) I'm not looking forward to baring my raw emotions and difficult journey with complete strangers, or with people that we know (why does that almost seem harder?) but... If the Spirit prompts me to share, then I will choose obedience. Because we are in spiritual warfare and if God wants me to share, I'm gonna share and trust Him for the reason. 

Back to my story.... I saw God intervening the entire day, things that were strategic with how (God's Plan) unfolded. My husband is staying in a very tiny cabin here in town, out at a campground that we know well, and we have a good relationship with the caretakers there. I call it the Shack (sound familiar?) I believe this is where God is going to work my husband over or he's gonna surrender. Just a feeling I have. And this isn't really a "separation", we aren't estranged. He just needs to figure some stuff out and I need some space to breathe. We're talking, we're spending time together, counseling is coming into the mix... it's just time for personal reflection and getting things straightened out in both our hearts and minds.

Is this a little scary? yes it is. Because I can only control me. My heart and mind are full all on their own and I am completely exhausted in every single way. And life is still going on... quickly and full. I own a business, I have plans for this business, a dream and a direction that GOD has placed in my heart for my business. And a determination that this time... the Enemy is NOT going to stop me or hold me back from accomplishing what God has placed in my heart to do, even though I believe that is exactly part of what is happening here with all of this. I'm having a very hard time concentrating on the things I wish I could concentrate on and instead, I'm worried about the state my husband is in and how I am supposed to move forward in all of this. Sometimes life just isn't fair is it sweet friends? But, God didn't promise a world of "fair" did He? No, but He does promise to walk with us and guide us through all the chaos and crazy of this world. And that is exactly what I plan to do, hopefully once I can catch up on some much needed sleep. Not tonight though, it's New Year's and we already committed to a community party. 

(long sigh) I want to be full of joy, but today, I'm just so tired. My smile won't be fake, because I can smile in this, yes it's painful, yes it continues to hurt, yes I feel insecure, yes, I'm a little angry that we are wasting our time on our own selfishness... but I have seen God's hand in my life so much lately that to ignore His presence and care in our lives would be the stupidest thing I could do right now. He is in control of what is happening in my life right now, my faith has to take action and trust that He is working in my life, in my husband's life. I don't feel worthy to encourage a friend... but I will. I don't feel worthy to touch base with couples we have counseled recently, but I will. Because HE is faithful to the work HE does. Thankfully, we don't take credit for the work God does in other people's lives, we know we are only vessels He CHOOSES to use, when we are walking with Him, not people He NEEDS to do His work. And that's why I can smile in the midst of this storm, and encourage when I feel so weak... Because HE is God and I am not. And honestly for that, I am so thankful. 

It's about time for my husband to get off work and come here so we can go to the party together. Bring in the new year and whatever that entails. Do I have any new year's resolutions? lol... I think I'm just gonna take it one day at a time for a while and my only goal is that I choose to walk in obedience everyday to the God who holds my future, who created me and loves me, and because He lives... I know I can face tomorrow. 

Happy New Year sweet friends. love ya - d

Learning God's heart in the waiting...

 

You know what's hard sweet friends? I had a really hard and hurtful night tonight.. and I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. Now I have an amazing family who are absolutely there for me no matter what.... but sometimes there are just things that need not be shared with family ya know? If you don't know, that's okay too, I just don't want to dive into the details of why tonight, so hopefully you can just take my word for that. And some friends, which I also have, I don't know, there are some things that I feel are just too much information and honestly sometimes in the struggle, I don't want to cause confusion or a bad witness, does that make sense? I believe in being transparent, and I don't believe any of us should try to hide that we have struggles, actually, I think good leaders and Believers need to in fact, SHOW the world HOW to get through trials and struggles, not pretend we don't have any.  But even with that, I do believe there is wisdom involved and we need to handle ourselves in the best way that glorifies God and doesn't become selfish just because we want to be heard and understood ... kinda make sense? 

Anyway, tonight my head and my heart hurt really bad over some things going on in my life. And I honestly didn't even want to be around any family or friends even trying to do something to take my mind off of things because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to focus or things might just come spilling out. It's a hard place to be right now. Of course God and I had a very long conversation in the car, He has been my best friend for many many many years now... but I admit, I did tell Him how much I wish He'd give me that friend He's promised me. 

This has been an interesting journey too, I KNOW that God has placed the desire in my heart for a good friend, at first that thought was a real struggle for me and something I honestly didn't want, but once I conceded because I understood the nature of why He was placing that desire back in my heart... it's been hard waiting. But ... I think I understand that too, maybe. The truth is, I don't just want anybody, I NEED someone who loves the Lord and someone who will have wisdom in seeing the truth of situations, not someone who gets caught up in emotions of the situations. And that person, whoever they are... is worth the wait.  I'm not even looking for them, because I know, when the time is right, God will make it very clear. Do I have any idea who it could be? Maybe. But I don't want my own thoughts to interfere with the truth. So I will wait, patiently for God to move and fulfill His promise to me. Until then, I will continue to do what I've always done... press on, walk humbly in the midst of what I cannot control and do my best to glorify God with my attitude and actions in the midst of really hard days. Because no matter who is in my life, God will always be the One I run to first.

Is it weird that I'm talking about this on here? Yeah it totally feels that way, however, I know the Spirit's prompting and my guess is, someone reading this needs to hear it. Whether you are in the same place that I'm in and you too are longing for a friend, or maybe you are the friend that God is calling to be in someone else's life.... either way, He has His reasons and even if it feels weird and a little uncomfortable to be so vulnerable with strangers...I'll be obedient.  And truthfully, I highly doubt my "friend" probably reads my blogs lol... although who knows! I'm not gonna worry about it, it is what it is.    

 You know, it probably seems like I have all these expectations for a friend, and really, I don't. In fact, I'll probably give more than I take. I'm not looking for a friend to coddle me or even be around all the time... I don't need that. I just am desiring a good solid friend who will take God's hand and mine at the same time. The kind of friend who I can just tell the hard things to and not have to be careful with what I say (not in vocabulary, but in the details) The kind of friend that maybe I don't even have to say anything but they know I'm having a hard day and they can just pray for me (this one is for real, because most people don't know that I'm having a hard day, not saying that's always the right thing, but it's been the normal for a long time for me) Those are the expectations really, because that's the kind of friend I try to be. 

Why is having a friend like this so important? Man, it's been interesting realizing WHY this type of friend is so important... God is the ONE who sustains me, who COMPLETES me, who makes me WHOLE... and ONLY HIM. But.... God has been revealing some things in me over the past several months, and He is slowly showing me how He is healing me and restoring me in several areas of my life. It is so humbling sweet friends, I don't think I can even put words to it all. God cares so much for us, and the thing is, He could heal me and restore me ALL ON HIS OWN... easy, BUT He CHOOSES to use His Body (us) in the healing and restoration process. What an amazing picture of His heart sweet friends! Not only is He revealing His heart to me as He works to heal and restore me, but He is also teaching me what it looks like to be a part of the Body of Christ and what He expects from all of us. We are all to love our Brothers and Sisters in Christ and work to bring them healing (relationship with God in all things) and restoration (helping them become what God is calling them to be). This process is not just about what God is doing for me, but what He also wants to do through me for other Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Can you imagine, if we all were the kind of friends we all wished we had? We should be. 

In my restoration process, I have a pretty good idea of the type of person God is going to bring into my life. I could be wrong, I'm not God. But... I also have some wisdom and I think I have a pretty good idea what it might look like. And it's a little intimidating, because I am a strong woman, a leader, I can read people pretty well and often can see right through them (know what I mean?) I don't beat around the bush and I get down to business pretty quick, I don't play games and I encourage and sometimes push people in the right direction (in a good leadership type of way..) .... and I'm pretty sure that's exactly the type of person God is gonna send me. Maybe even a few... because that's His nature. Restoration is a real thing with a real process that God only knows, but as excited as I am to have a friend like that, it's also probably gonna be an adjustment being on the other side of things. I'll take it in stride, and I'll be thankful that God is doing a work, even if it is uncomfortable at times. 

Trusting God's heart for us and His timing is part of our faith journey isn't it? It's where the rubber meets the road and we choose to live out what we say we believe. Even in the midst of all this turmoil and hurt, God is revealing His heart to me and I'm learning so many new things about Him on a much deeper level and I am so very thankful for that. God is good, All the time. Don't forget that! Love you sweet friends, now keep trusting God in whatever situation you are in and let's all do a better job loving the people that God places in front of us. We can do this! -d

Worthy of the Ask

 

Hebrews 4:16 "Come boldly before the throne of grace in times of need."

I believe this. Normally I live this, but here lately the asks seem like so much. I want to be content in every area of my life but I'm in a hard season, one that God has brought me into on purpose, and I struggle with the number of things I find my heart longing for. That probably doesn't really make much sense without context does it? I'll give you what I can...

When you're married, what your spouse goes through affects your life too. When your spouse goes on a journey with God, good or bad, it's not like we wave them off "have a great time, see ya when you get back!" No, we go along whether we want to or not. We experience the journey too.

I am on, been on, one of those journeys. This new one, is particularly hard. Trials are a part of life, and specific trials are part of our journey with God as He takes us through certain things to refine us and make us holy and pleasing to Him on this path He has created for us. 

God has a plan, has had a plan, for my husband and I, we've known about it for what seems like forever... we haven't seen it fulfilled yet. That's hard.

Here's the even harder part... why has it taken so long? I don't think it's God, I think it's us. We aren't where we need to be and we are each only responsible for ourselves in this. Wanna know an unfair aspect of marriage and ministry? ...This. 

God will not move a couple forward, unless the couple is ready. Why? Because it isn't about us, it's about His purposes, His glory. And, we as individuals and our individual relationship with God will always be more important to Him than what we can "do".

Now, God can and will move according to His purposes in spite of any of us, but His heart is that we are right with Him and love Him before we love ministry.

Make sense?

God has been taking my husband through a very hard journey of "stripping away" anything that is getting in the way of his relationship with God. Its been really hard to watch. It's also been incredibly humbling to watch as my fear of God has definitely deepened over the past few months. He is fierce when it comes to wanting the hearts of His Children. God will never force us to choose Him, but He will bend us to the point of decision. I'm watching it happen, on the sidelines, where I belong for this one. I can't do anything, just pray, encourage, and watch. 

But I'm learning a lot and seeing a different side of God that of course gives me a holy fear and better understanding of the term "jealous God". But also, a really clear picture of His heart towards us sweet friends. He loves us so much, that He is willing to go to battle with us, to deal with our stubbornness, our anger, our defiance... to literally not leave us alone. 

How do we deserve such an amazing love like this from our Creator? We don't deserve it, and yet here He is, pursuing us fiercely, relentlessly, patiently waiting for us to surrender to something so much better than what we are fighting to keep. We are stupid. 

And the dynamic of God's personality... Here He is, dealing quite harshly with my husband, and with me.. He is forcing me to stop and focus on taking care of myself and bringing healing to some broken places that have been stolen, and leading me towards rest. Same God... Awesome. 

Now back to the "Ask"...

I feel so overwhelmed with all this change. Everything feels so "uncertain" because it seems so much hinges on how we handle ourselves, which has sort of stripped that feeling of security right out from under me. Now I trust God in this process. He is never wrong and He is always faithful. However, it doesn't mean things won't continue to get rough. 

As a couple going through this season, I don't feel worthy of asking that God make this easier. Consequences of decisions made... don't deserve an ask to make it better. And yet I know, He is still our Deliverer even when we don't deserve it. But finding that line between humility and boldness has been hard. 

Realizing through humility, the greatness of our God and how much He has actually done for both of us throughout the years, all the blessings He has lavished on us when we didn't deserve it and at times weren't thankful enough for it... how do I ask for more?

He knows my heart, better than anyone, and that's why I know He will listen. Jesus loves me, this I also know...

but, this struggle is still real. Maybe I'm realizing today how the Enemy has attacked my worth over the past several years. Maybe I'm realizing how much I've allowed him to gain access to my self worth. How maybe I let myself not only listen but maybe I even believed some of the lies. 

I'm angry that I did that, I'm angry that he caught me on some hard days when I was too focused on the problems that I let my guard down long enough for him to influence how I saw myself. He is still trying his tricks today... but at least I'm aware. 

The battle I'm facing within today is... I feel so unworthy. And truthfully for more reasons than I wrote down, but none of those really matter because the TRUTH is... I'm wrong. And I know that is the truth. I'm not wrong in knowing that I am not worthy of God's love, none of us are. But that IS who God is, and I am wrong to allow myself to shy away from His perfect love for me simply because I don't "feel" worthy of it. 

Know what I mean? There is a big difference in us knowing the truth sweet friends, and us choosing to actually walk in it. It's the walking in it that takes intentional work on our part. It's us recognizing those lies that the enemy throws at us at the perfect time to trip us up and pull us into bondage. It's building up our armor daily so we are ready for when those hard days come and those arrows fly from the enemy. Walking in truth is work sweet friends, because our faith is actually an action on our part. Believing something is the easy part, living it out is the work. And that's where I'm at with this right now. Finding the truth in the midst of what seems like chaos and blurred lines. I'll find it, I'll fight the enemy, I'll find my worth where it's supposed to be found. It might take me a bit ... but I'll find it. 

Pray for me sweet friends, some days are much harder than others, sometimes I feel so incredibly weak and tired, and so ready to just "give up" whatever that even looks like. But that's not what I really want. It's not what God wants and that's why I get back up, wipe the tears, and put one foot in front of the other. But your prayers for me mean a lot. I am praying for you too sweet friends, I know I'm not the only one facing a hard uphill battle today. We can do this! Grab His hand and don't let go! Thanks for walking this journey with me. love ya, -d