When the Heart can't let go....

 

       So, this is our Anniversary month.... and sweet friends.... I don't know how I feel...is that fair? There's just been so much hard this past year, currently, and good...there's been good too, which magnifies the confusion and the hard decision making in our relationship. I had a moment of clarity a few days ago, you know when your head is grappling with a concept and you are trying to learn it, it's right there, it starts to make sense but there's a disconnect somewhere in the mix. Your heart is struggling to catch up to your head and it causes confusion on what exactly the right thing is supposed to look like. That's where I've been for several months, and then the other day, during a moment with my husband, everything clicked together and I got it. Sweet friends, clarity is always good...but sometimes it is also painful. And this moment of clarity, was painful. 

Painful because now I'm forced with moving forward in what I can clearly see is right. These actions moving forward...will absolutely force some kind of change, and I really have no idea what that is going to look like. I've been saying that for a long time now, but this time things feel different...I think because my head isn't as foggy as it was this whole past year. Does that make sense?

Oh I don't know sweet friends.... Every day I get up and just push so hard, with everything in my life. I'm in constant push mode and I really just want to relax, physically, mentally, emotionally...spiritually. I'm so tired but I'm in a tough season and I know that if I stop, if I slow down, I just might crumble under the weight of everything. I don't think I'm right here either.

 "My yoke is easy, My burden is light" 

I'm missing something sweet friends, I'm missing something really crucial and I don't know where to find it. No, that's not true.... it's at the feet of Jesus. I know this. Why can't I get to His feet in this? That's what I don't know, that's what I have to figure out. I run to Jesus all the time, it's my favorite place to be honestly. And I'm kind of baffled at myself that I am having such a hard time with this. What is holding me back from the place I know I need and want to be? And yet, I think my fear of walking in disobedience once I know the truth is what's holding me back. What if the answer to my question of how do I step into God's yoke, strips me of everything I'm working so hard to fix? 

His ways are better than my ways....

Man, why do we struggle so much with what we know is right sweet friends? We are a sinful and selfish people aren't we? We struggle with God over our selfishness all the time don't we? We know our ways aren't better....and yet we death grip them. Why?

I'm mad at myself right now, even writing this because I'm seeing my strongholds right now. I'm seeing the fear that has creeped in and captured me in this. It's not okay. I am not okay. I have to stop fighting God in this because I cannot fix my life, He has to do that. I'm so mad at my husband for refusing to surrender to God but look at me.... in this moment, I'm doing the same thing. My heart might be in a different place, but I'm clearly in a tug of war with God. I can't get to His feet if I'm too busy pulling against Him in this. 

I have to let go. I hate that this has been a common theme this entire past year...let go. I didn't realize how much I was holding onto. God has revealed so many dark and hidden places inside of me already. Not wicked places, just really broken places. And it's been a hard process where every broken piece, has been examined and shown to me. God is healing me...He is. And that's why I KNOW that I can trust Him right now, I know I can. I still don't know why it's so hard to give this to Him. Pray for me sweet friends, my flesh needs to die in this and fear needs to flee. I want to be made whole. I want to have peace and be able to relax inside. I want to be inside God's will for my life. I do. I guess now that I'm seeing this internal struggle a little more clearly today, that's what I need to work on this week, among other things.

I signed up for a women's retreat this weekend. Can I tell you a truth... I don't really want to go. Honestly, it's on my Anniversary and a couple weeks ago when I signed up, I saw it as a way out. I feel bad saying that for several reasons really. I feel like a bad wife. I absolutely know that I'm running away. Normally something like this, I would be rallying women to go with me because that's who I am. But not this time, I have a couple friends that are going to this and I'm sure I'll recognize more once I'm there, I do know a lot of people so I'm guessing I'll know people. But... for the most part, I'm just going by myself. And I know how terrible and cold this sounds, but deep down I'm just kind of hoping to blend in with the crowd and go unnoticed... lol I know, that's terrible. And honestly, I'm not a novice here, I'm sure that won't happen... because that's not how God works sweet friends. And I think that scares me a little too. I've been vulnerable here, I've been vulnerable with a few people in my life right now... but I'm afraid sweet friends.... I'm on the verge of tears now....I don't want to fall apart there, because it's not gonna be just strangers, it's going to be people I know. 

I also believe that even though my intention was to run away for the weekend, I know God too well. I'm not in charge here, and though God and I walk closely together every day, He will have my full attention all weekend. He won't waste it. I'm not afraid of God, I don't know what I'm so afraid of, but it's there. I think my biggest struggle this weekend is going to be in fighting myself, ya know....to just let go. We'll see what happens. I know this hasn't been a real encouraging post sweet friends, but it is what it is today. Appreciate your prayers. I'm praying for you in whatever you are facing, and holding onto, that you too can get to His feet and let it go. 

love ya -d  

Mirrors

        Hmmmm, these past few weeks sweet friends.... have taught me some things. My head is finally starting to clear up a little bit, crazy how foggy things can get sometimes huh? I've felt like I've been in a whirlwind the last couple months but things are slowing down inside and that's been good. I'm not really sure where exactly to start with this post, it's been on my heart to write for about a week now but  life has been crazy busy and well... I can't sit and blog all the time ;) but there's a lot I've been recognizing and learning about myself and I'll try my best to break it down coherently for ya and hopefully some of you can find encouragement here as well. Here we go... 

As I've been thinking over some patterns that have been present in our lives for quite a while... like years,  I've started to understand when things in my heart and mind started to change. It started out from a good place, good intentions, even love... but as I continued to ignore the things that started chipping away at my confidence of who I was and what was acceptable because I believed that love was also "sacrifice", and I was willing to lay my heart down for my husband because he was going through some hard things and I was strong. I knew I could handle it, deal with it easier than my husband could so being a good "helpmate" was priority. I didn't realize at the time, slowly over the years of trying to be a godly wife, that I was losing parts of me in the chaos...and it wasn't until a couple months ago, someone brought that truth to my attention that God wasn't in that. That was a hard pill to swallow.   

The thing is, the more I chose to push myself to ignore the places that hurt, thinking that was okay because I wasn't "dwelling" on them and working on not allowing myself to become "resentful" because of them (which are both good things to not do) those things actually started chipping away at my self worth and I didn't even realize it. I do now, and though I want to keep going back to "how did I let that happen???", the truth is, I let it happen because it happened slowly, over time. Every time I chose to look away so to speak, a little piece of who I was, died. And now I am seeing the full result of that action because now I just "remember" how strong and confident and bold I used to be, and I'm finding it harder and harder to find her again.... in these current moments of uncertainty, which are very much mirroring all the moments I've had before. 

And that has been interesting... like looking into a mirror of the past and seeing it in the present. Does that make sense? I think some things are just memories triggered, but I also think some things are the Holy Spirit shining light in some dark places. It's been both maddening and humbling at the same time. I'm angry at some of the things that I remember, the situations, the actions, the words.... and simultaneously, I'm humbled because so often those moments of sinfulness in the relationship of my marriage....mirrors our sinfulness in our relationship with God.(which truthfully, that's what marriage is a picture of isn't it?)  God has really been teaching me a few things about His heart in all of this. I'm learning more about God's love for us in all this mess, which honestly, is not something I would've guessed would be coming out of this pain. It's deepened my love and respect for my Creator, and let's be honest, it's made it more difficult for me to get super angry with my husband over the same things that I can see as a reflection of my own life in my walk with God. I'm trying to find the right balance between not being okay with things and moving forward with strong boundaries. It's also not that my strength, and confidence, and boldness is completely gone, it's not. It's just buried deep and I am so tired sweet friends that my fight is just so internal I think at this point that what my husband is seeing is just the result of my exhaustion. It might even look to him like I've given up and don't care... but I'm also too tired to explain it to him. 

       What does all that mean right now? Look, honestly, I don't know. I'm still trying to wade through a lot of confusion in the mix of life right now. I have a husband that I love very much. He's making choices. I have to figure out what that means for me. And I simply don't have it all figured out yet. But what I do know, is that I have to get real about me. Because I feel like that is all I really can control right now, so that is my focus for the time being. What is broken, and how do I fix it. More accurately, will I allow the Holy Spirit to reveal and rebuild me into who He wants me to be? That's a bigger question because with that answer comes surrender in so many areas, and more truth. Which sometimes is a lot to handle. But...deep down it's what I really want. It is. 

      My body is also revealing truth to me the last couple of months. That's been rough. It's probably been my biggest wake up call that I am not okay inside. As much as I want to brush things off and not accept it as "trauma" only because I believe there is a depth to that term that I am having a hard time diving into. I'm having a hard time even bringing attention to that word on here because I don't like making my husband look bad, I love him, I am hopeful he can work through his issues, and get back on track....but I am also realizing that.... he acted how he acted and I'm tired of making it out to be "ok". And if I'm gonna be talking to you on here about my journey.... then it is what it is. Right? 

       Another truth that has been brought to my attention through various places, is that a wife is a reflection of her husband. And that totally makes sense. I can see this in my own life. Now I don't mirror his issues, however, plenty of my own have developed during these years of struggle.

 And you know what one of my biggest fears right now is?... that I am toxic to other people. And mainly because of the inner turmoil going on inside of me, and the simple fact that I am still in a hard place which is at times maybe counterproductive to my healing. Being hurt at the same time I'm trying to heal... doesn't make much sense I know, and yet, there are reasons why I am still in this place for the time being, and things I need to work through inside my own heart, I don't want to become a burden to those around me. Vulnerability is part of this healing process God has me on and I am aware of that, my fear that I am finding myself battle quite often, is that I will bring chaos into my relationships by sharing my struggles. Make sense? I don't want to cause stress or worry with my loved ones over my situation. So I don't want to overshare, but I often pull back and don't open up enough either. Tough balance. But at least I'm aware of this sweet friends and I think that's a huge part of being able to move in the right direction with it. I'm praying for a clear head and courage simultaneously when I'm in positions of sharing hard things with people lol but I can't go back to hiding, I'm fighting for my own self worth in this, and I will find it. Not in other people.... but in understanding that I am worth other people's time and care too. And that is not selfishness. I'm learning sweet friends.... you too. 

 It's not about blaming your spouse either, we're all responsible for our own actions. But, if my husband would stop long enough to just look at me.... he'd see a reflection. He won't like it and that's probably why he chooses to not look too closely here lately.... and I get that. It's also why I have determined... that I'm done leading here. If things are gonna change, he's got to step up and be the leader. We had a really good sermon at church today, points that hit really hard with my husband. Points he acknowledged hit hard, which is good. And there was an altar call and an opportunity for prayer.... and I think he might've been waiting on me to say "let's go"... but ya know what.... I'm done leading. Time to step up. Time to put forth the kind of hard effort to change things. Time to protect me. Time to care about my well being. Time to lead his wife. Lead or Lose... this particular battle, is really up to him at this point. And it took me a while to get here, in this place.... where it's okay for me to just step back and see what happens. Oh I have plenty of work to do on my end, lots of things I need to fix in me and that is what my focus will be on for a while, not in a selfish sense, but in a healthy strong restored sense. 

Lots of other things in life recently have been happening, like absurd, completely out of the blue, "make no real sense" things that seem to be geared to try and shut me down.... I own a business, and I am on the verge of growth, like really good growth, the kind that would make a huge difference in my life kind of growth. I've been a business owner/entrepreneur since I was 19... I've got some years on me in this department (no I won't tell you how many... just there's plenty ok ;) )  and I do know good business. And out of nowhere, boom. Chaos from lots of different directions. I see it, recognize it and truthfully it looks a lot like a mirror: of things that are happening in the spiritual realm. So before, whenever I would be on the verge of something big, or growth in the business... something would always happen with my husband. He'd have a crisis of some sort. After a while, I started recognizing the patterns and became more aware of the spiritual warfare taking place in these moments. Now, I don't react like I used to to these crisis'... and I guess the Enemy has caught on and is maybe using some different avenues to work to keep me stuck. I mean, I could be wrong.... but I don't think so. My business growing and moving forward especially right now is very key to my well being and stability. And I very much believe that the Enemy knows that. So.... I'm just gonna push harder sweet friends and roll with the punches and trust God to lead me in the business...it's His anyway.

Something that has been a very tender bit of healing in my life here lately, is how in my brokenness, when I feel so unworthy of people coming to me for encouragement....the Holy Spirit has showed me a mirror of how He can be glorified and magnified inside of our darkest moments. In my obedience to become vulnerable and share bits of this hard journey that I'm on, strictly out of obedience because I really REALLY didn't want to... He has used it to draw out others who are struggling and holding on to silence in their own lives. It has humbled me to know that when I am feeling so lost and unworthy, He can and WILL still use me to bring life and hope and growth to others. I am a leader, not a title, it's who I am, who He has created me to be and even in this.... He is using me to lead others to His feet as well. God has not taken away ministry, He is not only restoring me in it, but building up something new and I believe stronger in this process. And that gives me hope sweet friends, that there is something for me on the other side of this fight. God is not done with me, He's picking me up, healing my brokenness, teaching me more about His heart for me and how to walk in obedience in those places that I once got wrong, and making me new in the process. He is GOOD.

There's been a lot of "mirror" moments these last few weeks. But I am thankful that in all this chaos...I can still see God working in it. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope" He is taking my hand and gently making all the "crooked paths straight" for me again. He is faithful to His promises, His plans, and His purposes for my life... and I will choose to trust Him in this. Correction is hard. It's humbling. And it is necessary in order to make things right between me and God. So I'm gonna keep walking sweet friends, because I honestly don't want to be in control anymore. I'm tired.

        My husband is lost at the moment. I can't explain it or understand it, I definitely don't recognize him right now. But I love him and I will continue to fight for him until I can't anymore. But it helps sweet friends, knowing that some of you will pray for me and for him. Because THAT is the Body of Christ, and I don't have to know ya to know that some of you are walking with me from wherever you are. And I'm praying for you all too. I know many of you probably read this blog, because you can relate somehow. I hope you find encouragement to keep going too. I know it's hard sweet friend. We Trust in the God we know and we learn how to Surrender to Him along this path of Healing and Wholeness. Praying your marriages, relationships, and mostly, your walk with Christ will be healed, reconciled, and restored as you do the hard things to get to His feet and lay the broken pieces down in surrender. Love you sweet friends -d

Hard to Love?

   

       

         You know what sweet friends? I have been seeing this concept quite a lot in the things I've been reading for a while now, and I've often thought to myself, I'm glad I don't feel this way. Until this past month and WOW, this has hit me HARD. And it's so frustrating because I KNOW it's not the truth. I love people, and I'm good at showing people that I love them. This concept should be super foreign to me....but it's not.

I know that the Enemy is definitely working here and trying very hard to hurt me, that is evident, also not surprising right? That's what he does. But what is surprising to me is the power of this thought and how it has gripped my heart and my head and it's like I didn't even see it coming ya know? And I feel like I should've been better guarded against it. 

Now I know that I am not the only one here in this place. I know this, because I am a part of a few private Christian Online Groups and I have seen posts from people who are feeling this very same thing, some of you may even be reading this post... so let's talk about some stuff.

I absolutely believe that trauma affects us in this way. This past month for me, has been pretty hard.  Things have been said to me, awful things that have ripped me up inside, things have even been said about me to others that tried to tear my character apart. Annnnd.... I have felt incredibly lonely and like no one really cares how I am. Now to put that into perspective... I love people, and I love to love on people, and I think the things I have had to go through over the past years has made me more determined to not let people feel alone in their struggles because I do know what that feels like. 

Like many of you I'm sure, I am a Giver. I am really good at connecting with people and reaching out. I'm not afraid to reach out to people, even the hard ones that have a metaphorically 50 foot brick wall in front of them with a sign that says, "go away"... I'll still climb the wall... mainly, because I get it and I know that behind that wall.... they really just want to be cared about and loved too. I am a leader and it is just in me to take the initiative. Plus I've learned.... what do I really have to lose? Nothing sweet friends, we don't have anything to lose by loving on people. Worst case, they push us away and don't want any kind of relationship with us... and that's okay, we just move on. 

Here's the hard part for us.... sometimes we can feel rejected and unlovable when no one ever reciprocates back...right? It's okay, that's a normal feeling. We begin to think maybe we are just too much for people, that they are annoyed with us, we're not wanted and they are just being "nice" hoping we'll get the clue and leave them alone..right? I know sweet friends, I have definitely had moments like this, even recently. I kinda dumped on someone the other day because there was just so much going on and I do trust this person with delicate information...but it didn't change the fact that as soon as I sent the message... I felt terrible, like it was too much, like I was too much. And THAT, now that I've thought about it, I believe is....garbage. 

If someone chooses me, to unload heavy burdens onto because they need a strong hand to hold in that moment of unraveling... I would feel honored sweet friends, not angry. And people do that with me all the time, and not once have I ever been upset with them for choosing me. 

And why would me choosing someone to trust like that be any different? I don't think it is. I think that insecurity and uncertainty in my life right now, has produced these feelings of unworthiness of other people's love and care. 

Sweet friends, especially those of us that are Givers, empathizers, loving people.... we have to fight these feelings... because that is all they are. They are not the TRUTH. And I believe Satan attacks us in this way because he knows how powerful it is to have the ability and drive to really know how to love people. And if he can keep us silent and invisible and constantly questioning our own worth... then that is exactly what he is gonna do yeah? 

So reach out sweet friends, and let's all do this, with NO EXPECTATIONS of people. If they ignore us, fine. If they barely acknowledge us, fine. Because sometimes .... they have nothing left to give. And maybe God is calling us to be the ones to help "fill them back up"...right? Sometimes, He calls us to love on other Givers, and it's easy for us to have expectations of them, and it can feel like they just don't like us if they don't give back... don't do that sweet friends, we don't know what they are going through and we know that Givers are usually the ones that get overlooked, because We are the ones that everybody runs to for encouragement. Givers run dry too... so just pour into the Givers that God brings into your path. Pray for them, love on them, don't expect anything in return... just Give. 

One thing that I am realizing, by all the things I've been reading from broken and lonely people, and my own journey of feeling lost and alone and unsure if I'm really cared about at times.... we have all become TERRIBLE at just reaching out and loving on people. We, especially the Believers... we have adopted the world's theory, that everyone has to come to us and ASK for help. It's sad. Oh there is a small amount of truth there, people need to want help...but where did we go wrong in being the hands and feet of Jesus? We can only love on people, encourage them, help them...if they first come to us and ask? No... that's not how it's supposed to be sweet friends. And self help, we all just counsel ourselves now. We'd all rather sit around reading books how to get through something than find people to talk with about it. And therapy, nothing wrong with it... but that's everyone's answer. The easy answer to everything "go find a therapist". 

I grew up in the church, and I've been in ministry since I was a teenager. And my friend circles all throughout my life... have always been people who love people, and love helping people, and who have solid relationships with Jesus... I am so thankful and fortunate, that I never needed to "go find a therapist"

What has happened to the people of God? Where are they? Honestly, shame on us. I wonder what God thinks of us in this respect. Kinda hurts my heart. We know the truth, we can walk with people in the truth. Sure there is "techniques" and "insights" in this world that help for sure. There is nothing wrong with therapy sweet friends. I personally am looking in that direction, but it's also because... there seems to be NO ONE in my life right now that is willing to just sit down and talk truth with me for more than 5 minutes. And that breaks my heart. Worldly wisdom will only take us so far sweet friends, but spirit filled believers, who walk daily in relationship with God, will take us farther and break more bondages than the most "well educated" worldly options available. Where are God's People?

Why are we so afraid to walk with the broken? I have more messages and people stopping me in public thanking me for what I write, and asking me for advice, and prayer, and connection is what it is. I am pretty blunt with everyone that I don't have all the answers, and no one should be confused that I am learning as I go if they are reading anything that I am putting out. And even though I do not FEEL worthy to give any advice... I will walk with you, and I will dig into truth with you, and I will reach out and let you know, that I simply care and I am here. Because....why would I not do that?

I don't know how the "church" has lost it's fire. I don't know when we started backing off and letting the world handle everyone's problems. I don't know why we are so confused that we don't see God moving among us like He used to. I don't know why we are content not seeing miracles, healings, people set free, people made whole, hearing testimonies of what God is doing in someone's life... (when is the last time you heard a testimony in church even?) Where did we go Believers? 

Maybe we just decided to stop being the Hands and Feet of Jesus to the world around us. And...Who convinced us, we'd be better off leaving everyone alone? 

Who's been convincing us, that we are so hard to love?

Pretty sure it wasn't Jesus. 

Worth a ponder sweet friends, -d 

ps. God is faithful sweet friends. I had a really bad week... and 2 people, reached out to me just to let me know they were thinking and praying for me. (I didn't have to reach out to them and tell them I was having a hard week)  It made a huge difference in my heart. They'll never know the impact their text meant at those moments. But that's what I'm talking about sweet friends... we all need MORE of that. 

Thanking God for the REAL friends He is starting to bring into my life ... He's got some for you too, hang in there. Want to find a real friend??????? Then just be one. The right ones will start loving you back. Be patient. Love without expectations, They'll eventually show up. Love you sweet friends. 

Hands and Feet.... Hands and Feet. 

Lord, My Cup is Empty....

 

      Oh sweet friends, I don't think I have one drop of anything left today to pour out, into anybody, into life, into myself...and you know what that tells me? I'm doing something wrong here. No, it's not victimhood, it's the fact that I'm not getting filled up somewhere, no matter how hard life is...God is our source of strength and there should be something in my cup. I'm missing it somehow, and I'm not quite sure where.

Oh, I'm not completely clueless, life has been hard and some things have been slipping for me in all the chaos, I've just been so tired I guess I stopped caring a little. I need to fix that, not sure how but I'll figure it out. I'm just running on fumes and that makes me cranky at life I guess. Dealing with my own self worth has taken a little bigger toll than I realized too, It's hard to see the world clearly when we can't see ourselves clearly and that's a huge truth. My filter is a bit....skewed I'd say. Feeling like I'm wrong, being told I'm not wrong for doing the right things even though they feel wrong, being told I'm wrong by the one who feels wronged because of the right things I'm doing, knowing that I've been wrong in the past makes me question whether I'm wrong now.....ya know? I'm spinning a bit and everything just "feels" wrong whether it is or it isn't. 

Not the funnest place to be right now but, I'm working through a lot of things and I guess for the time being...it is what it is.

I was talking with a friend the other day, and she's been going through a really rough time here lately and I started to give some advice, because I could see it plain as day (always easier seeing other people's solutions huh?) and the Holy Spirit was like sandpaper. I could sense Him in my spirit constantly going "uh huh" as I was helping her see the truth. Of course, I'm very upfront with people I'm giving advice to these days that I feel I have NO BUSINESS giving any advice right now, and every one that I say this to, still seems to want my advice. But at least they know I'm not really worthy. I do not want to be a hypocrite, but I also have a heart for people, especially those that ask for my help... but as long as they understand where I'm at, then I'll give them what I can and hopefully it helps. God's been using this part too though, and as long as we all don't wallow together, there is strength in knowing you're not alone in some of these inward battles. Like the one her and I were talking about, It stung because it's so hard to see the truth sometimes, about ourselves, isn't it? 

Man, I will say that I have missed being able to talk things out with friends, just hearing someone else validate, or correct, or simply encourage has been greatly missed. And I realize how much I've missed out all these years of having that support and sharpening. I can't help but still battle these really deep feelings of "loneliness" here lately, even though, there's people in my life... good people. I just have these moments and I can't quite figure them out either. I feel incredibly alone... even though I'm not. I don't get it, maybe it just the enemy trying to pounce. I mean, there's a lot in my heart that I'm not talking about with anyone and maybe that's part of it.... but these feelings have some depth to them and I feel like I need to figure out why. Anybody else surrounded by people and struggle with this? I'm guessing so. Hang in there sweet friends, we are NOT ALONE... we have to remember that, even on the days it feels that way. It's not the Truth. 

Speaking of the "Truth"... I'm not liking what I'm realizing these last couple of weeks. The Truth, though it's what I want to see, is definitely taking a toll on me. It's heavy sweet friends. And there are some things I am just, let's be honest... running from. My head and my heart are at war. Could be why I'm feeling so empty...right? Fear.... rearing it's ugly head. I'm so tired. And life is throwing me a few curveballs here this past week, right on the heels of a really difficult weekend, something else came crashing in. And it's so left field... I can't help but think the enemy is orchestrating it. Sometimes, ya just know because things don't even make sense...and here I am grappling with stupidity on top of everything else. And I will choose to carry myself the way I ought to, not the way I want to. I just kinda wanna yell... at everybody lol. Ever been there? Yeah.... hanging on by a thread today, but I'll make it. Because I refuse to let Satan win in any of this. I don't "feel" like I have any fight left in me, my cup is empty, I just want to quit honestly.... but I know I can do all things, through Christ...and He is the One that will make everything in my life finally make sense one day. I have to keep going sweet friends. I have no idea what the outcome will be and that terrifies me, but giving up, on myself, scares me more. 

    Know what else? I feel really lost right now. I saw a quote the other day about how our old friends, ya know the ones who've been with us since forever, have a great way of "reminding us who we are"... and it stung a bit, because I'm realizing in this current season for my husband and I, no one here really knows the old us. No one here "remembers" who we were, who we've always been, our history ect. No one is here to "remind me" who I am. To help anchor me in all this chaos. And it's kind of leaving me feeling very...alone I guess. Everyone I'm meeting now, is meeting the broken version, the tired version, the version that just wants to give up some days.... and I don't know how to show anyone who I really am, because... I kind of can't find me. Does that make any sense? You'd think for some people it might feel like a "clean slate" or "blank canvas", an opportunity to be who you want to be with people. But not me, I feel almost "counterfeit", because I feel so lost. It's hard. I'm sure things will start clearing up for me eventually and I won't feel so lost inside but until it does, I'm just hoping people can at least tell that I do love Jesus and maybe even in all this mess, He can still get the glory. My biggest struggle with this part, is the urge to just pull away from people till I figure myself out, but it's a tug of war because I also know that God is nudging me towards people because that's part of His plan for my healing and restoration. I know He has friendships forming for me that I deep down know I desperately need and I know I need to walk in faith on the days where I'd rather just hide. 

How do you find your self worth, if you can't seem to find yourself? I don't know sweet friends, but I'm gonna have to figure it out somehow. Because I definitely don't like where I'm at with all of this today. Sweet friends, If you've been here, or maybe you are here in this same place... my heart hurts for the emptiness you are feeling or have felt. I believe it's just a season of change, and we can find our way out of the dark. "Your Word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path"... we need to find our source here sweet friends. He is our answer and if we seek Him even in the dark, we will find Him and we can TRUST at least that right now. Everything else can flow from that. 

Love you -d

A Thousand Little Funerals...

     

       I read a quote the other day that said "Growth often feels like loss", I'll probably share it on my Facebook Page because it's so true. Growth can be so exciting and refreshing at times, and then sometimes, it is hard to grow... to learn how to let go of the things you've held onto and the things that you've allowed to shape you and become the way you've seen the world. There's comfort in the familiar isn't there? Whether it's good or bad... we get comfortable with what we know. We get comfortable with what stays consistent in our lives because unpredictability can be scary.

I'm realizing this about me. As I've been trying to "make sense" of some things.. I'm starting to see the patterns of my life. The things that I keep saying "oh this is NEW"...and then I quickly catch myself, because ... they aren't new, they've always been there, kind of hidden in the midst of the loud chaos...does that make sense? I just never noticed them because at the time... they felt like the "safe place". Because there wasn't as much turbulence, these things were the "calm".... but I found "safety" in places that weren't actually safe... and that became my comfort zone. I'm mad. No, mad isn't even the right word, angry maybe... I think mostly just .... "lost" might be the best word, lost in the realization of what the truth is that I didn't see till now. And I am completely unsure how to "fix" it, or "change it". And I definitely don't want to "deal" with it. Oh I will, I have to because I don't want to stay in this place and I don't want any more damage done. 

God has been teaching me for the last several months (you know..) how to "let go" of things on this journey I'm on.... and honestly, it's kind of felt like a thousand little funerals. There's been so much already that has had to die so that I can move forward into healing, and there's been so much realization of things that had died in me a long time ago that shouldn't have and I've had to learn how to grieve those things (I'm still there on several things actually) so that I can let those go and move forward in healing. I think this is one of the main reasons why I talk about healing being so painful sometimes, because we think of healing as almost a comfort to our pain...not as something that rips us wide open first. And that's where I'm at with all of this. 

I'm not really sure that I'm going to go into much detail on these sweet friends, maybe some of them will show up as their own blog post eventually as I work through them. But I'm really raw here, my head and my heart battle over some of these and I really want to bring both of those things under submission to God before I share them with you. God is being patient with me and for that I am so humbled and thankful. I wish I could just lay these things at His feet but man.... grieving some of these losses is really hard and mostly because I just don't want to sit with them long enough to feel the uncomfortable weight of what they carry and face the depth of the grip they have had on my heart. We don't like to face hard things do we? I think we're kinda all the same in this department... I think some people just are better at making the choice to press forward and do what God asks us to do. Obedience isn't easy for any of us in hard places, but I guess it's what sets us apart from everyone else sweet friends. So let's not run from it...we can maybe sit with it for just a little while as long as we work to keep our hearts humble before our God, we can sit for a minute, but then we have to keep moving. We have to sweet friends.

I think something that has been really hard particularly in this department... is trying to figure out who I am. Right? I mean, my identity is in Christ so I'm not like completely lost here, but I am lost in a lot of ways and it sounds so cliche' because ya know we've all grown up watching movies where everyone has a midlife crisis and doesn't know who they are.... I wish this was just a mid life crisis.. but.... it's not. And I definitely feel like other than my identity in Christ... what am I even doing? Lol, it's okay, I'll figure it out... I just have a lot of sorting out to do I guess. I just hope and pray that during this time of confusion and feeling lost, that I don't impact other people around me in a negative way. That would hurt my heart. Trying to reach out and not be invisible all while feeling a little lost in myself, is kinda scary truthfully. But that's where I trust God too, He is bigger than my flaws and insecurities... thankfully. 

So what do we do with all these funerals in our hearts sweet friends? I know some of you are probably going through similar journeys of "letting go". I think we take each thing and allow ourselves time to grieve it. Time to let it sink in, understand what we can about it, what we can about ourselves in it, and why the Holy Spirit wants it to go. I think these are all really important things that will help us with the grieving process as we let go of dreams we've had for our lives, maybe some passions that used to fuel our fire for life but now, just memories, maybe friendships that we lost or had to let go of, maybe relationships with family members, maybe parts of our personalities that got traded in for other traits we didn't want, maybe it was years of lost joy because everything we were dealing with clouded the wellspring. I don't really know but I know I'm sad. I know I'm grieving...me. And I know that it's part of this journey of healing and restoration. We just can't let this process, bury us sweet friends. There will be days, trust me, that you don't want to move because everything feels too heavy. Just breathe. Be still. It will pass. There may be nights when your heart just hurts so much that you want it all just to go away... it will pass, morning will come with a new reminder that God woke you up again today for a reason.

Just breathe sweet friend. This valley is just a season. Take His hand, keep walking. Joy will come, maybe after the mourning. love ya -d 

Can't Steal my Praise...

 

       Sweet friends, we know that this life is full of Mountain tops and Valleys don't we? And I have a hunch, that everyone reading this has probably at one time or another experienced both of these aspects of life. God didn't promise us anything different, He told us our journeys of faith would contain both. And...both are crucial to our growth. 

Lately, I feel like I'm both, climbing a super huge....rugged....stupid mountain, trying to get to the top, all because it won't just ya know, MOVE...like I'd hoped it would. And I feel like I'm aimlessly wandering in a deep, let's say swampy valley... where everything is sticky and muddy. I'm not having very much fun if you can't tell. Everything right now in my journey just feels so messy and unclear. I am finding myself constantly trying to "make sense" out of everything because there is so much confusion in my life right now. I am gaining some clarity in different areas and for that I am thankful, but so much is just swallowed up in confusion and it's making me very unsettled. Is it spiritual? I would definitely say spiritual warfare is present in that, I mean Satan is the author of confusion, and there seems to be way too much of it present here. I think a lot of it is also just me sweet friends, I think there's a lot I'm holding back and holding onto because it hurts too much to "let go".... "fear" has some grip here... both of those things are common themes that the Holy Spirit has been talking to me about this entire journey. So.... makes sense. And it's no good to not acknowledge my own struggle with those things right now... it is what it is. It's not okay, and I need to get myself into a place of surrender here.... oh, this one is a hard one.

    Sometimes sweet friends, finding our place of surrender can come easy in some places. We realize an area of disobedience, we feel conviction, we repent, and lay it down at His feet and walk forward in obedience and freedom. But sometimes, the act of surrender.... requires more from us because those roots of disobedience (whether intentional or unintentional) run deep and in order to lay it down... we have to learn how to let go at the root... does that make sense? God's act of forgiveness, is quick (snap of a finger) and He's already waiting for us to accept it and walk in freedom. It doesn't take God years to heal us.... does it? He is capable and waiting. The price has already been paid...... 

it's us sweet friends....it's us.

       God is so merciful to us isn't He? And He is so gentle with us on our journeys when He doesn't need to be. It's obedience... we get to choose whether we do or we don't.... don't we? How compassionate is our God, to look at us in the midst of our struggles, with freedom in our reach.... and yet we can't seem to quite get there. I imagine His heart breaks for us. This is a hard place to be, knowing that freedom is right here in front of me, but for some reason.... I can't grasp it. I'm struggling with the surrender in a few particular areas right now and I hate that. It's not what I want and yet.... here it is.

I think the important part here, is recognizing it in my own life and understanding that it is not acceptable for me to hold onto what God is telling me to let go of. To understand that choosing to hold it, is in fact, disobedience. Now, the things I'm dealing with right now, are very clouded and I can't seem to see them clearly and I think that there is a part of this journey that is requiring me to see things clearly. So I think maybe, it's not that my heart is rebellious towards God, because it's not, but I think that the Holy Spirit is trying to work in me to see the things clearly that I need to lay down and that is part of this struggle. Can't see it. Don't want to see it. Afraid of what it all means. ... When God does something, He does it with completion. And part of the healing here, is probably me seeing things as they really are, and accepting all of the Truth... and the Truth is what will set me free.

I have to get my heart in the right place of surrender here.... and I believe there are a lot of things working against me to keep me from doing that. I can sense it in my Spirit. But I can also sense the gentle calling of the Holy Spirit to keep moving forward in this really difficult part of this journey. And I will choose obedience in that, even though there is a struggle inside of me in dealing with what I am walking into. Make sense? 

I think sometimes we can make things too simple and we can make things too complicated when it comes to understanding how God really works. And I think that the biggest take away in this life, is the fact that... God works in us as individuals on our own personal journey with Him. Now the rules are all the same for all of us sweet friends, the Truth always is...we are either walking in obedience or we are walking in disobedience...we don't get a pass on any of it. But the way He draws us to Himself, the way He calls us into repentance and relationship... is personal to us. How amazing is that really?

He cares for us. He loves us. He wants to make us whole. We just have to learn how to trust Him in these hard places and we have to each learn what it looks like, to completely surrender to His will for our lives in every area. And that is faith. 

        The other really hard and confusing thing I'm dealing with in all this mess... is this heaviness that seems to linger in my prayer life and Bible Study time. My relationship with God is constant, I talk to Him all the time, I bring Him into every aspect of my life, I pray for other people without any problems... but it's that individual focus on myself that is becoming super hard to do... and I'm not completely sure why that is. I mean, definitely sounds like "the spirit of heaviness" for sure and it could be. It could also just be me maybe? Like, when I start to focus in on me and what's going on in my life in prayer... it could just be that there is so much all at once inside that things are getting jumbled and distracting? My mind is so consumed with everything that I have to do right now and of course all the things going on within that those things are sometimes hard to just push to the back... but it could be that I'm so rundown this past month that it's hard to focus in on the things that I want to think about since everything tends to trigger current thoughts and situations right? I don't really know but, I have been getting the distinct impression that everything going on around me and in me, is trying hard to steal my hope and my praise. Know what I mean? And even though the struggle is real sweet friends, I refuse to let this rob me of being thankful to a God who loves me even when I am not worthy and I will fight to hang on to a hope that He can turn all things good if I can just keep ahold of His hand.

I've been looking at my canvases the last couple of days as I've been working through some things and trying to find some clarity. (If you don't know what I'm talking about... I mention them in another post

 I am a product of Grace.: In the Fight...) and you know what I noticed about those canvases.... lots of mountains and valleys represented. And that's it sweet friends... that's what our journeys of faith look like. There's darkness and light. There's deep wounds and there's life. All of it.... represented in the coarse of our lives and even represented at the exact same time. Which is what I'm noticing on these canvases, I am currently dealing with some really hard, somewhat devastating things in my heart, and yet at the same time, I'm experiencing freedom and clarity and new growth in other areas. Which is probably also why I feel like I'm losing my mind at times lol. I'm not an emotional wreck but I can experience both joy and deep hurt in the same day ya know? Depends on what triggers a memory or dealing with a current situation, or recognizing how far I've come and seeing what God is doing in me right now. Which brings me to a whole other element of growth that's been kinda tricky for me....

And that is the part where I have to stop "hiding"... now there is wisdom here, we don't want to just tell everyone everything all the time, some people are NOT good, safe, landing grounds for our emotions right? And we don't want to walk around "sad" and "hurt" all the time... sucking the life out of everyone. So there's a common sense balance in what we present to the world, which is Biblical however, we can take that out of context real easy too so let's be careful with that. But for me, I'm used to just "taking a deep breath and smiling".... with everyone. And I think that's where I'm learning I have a bit of work to do to let myself relax around those that can hold space for what I'm feeling. It's a trained response for me, and not easy to break. But I'm working on it, finding that balance and most importantly, being ok with myself for "revealing" that things aren't okay. Tough one. It shouldn't be, didn't used to be...but we can train ourselves really well sweet friends without even realizing what we're doing. Guard your hearts and minds... this is one more example of why that's important.

       Know what else? On that note... ya know of understanding our need for people because that's how God designed His Body and this slow realization that I am way too good at "hiding" and I need to push myself to be more honest with the hard.... There is this gripping fear inside of me that reminds me that I do not trust people. 

1. I don't trust that people really care about me. (why? I don't really know, I kept people at a distance. I chose to not share my life with people. I did that, not people... but somewhere along the line... I became very skeptical of sincerity I guess. And that is so not fair sweet friends. I feel like I owe everyone in my life an apology lol both old friends and new ones... I'm not really sure how to tackle this one either. For someone who connects well with people and I feel like I'm a pretty loyal friend, at least I hope that's how my friends see me....I mean, clearly not the ones I pushed away, so there's that I guess. Oh man, looks like I have even more stuff to be working on ... what have I done?) clearly, I have no idea what I'm doing.

2. Fear of abandonment by people I decide to let in. (and this one is particularly confusing because really.... I've been doing this on my own for so long, what does it matter if people ditch? Like, what am I so afraid of?)

I think the Enemy is having a hay day with me in this department... because one, it's all fear based so has Satan written all over it. and two, It's just a really good tactic to keep me isolated, neutralized, and ineffective. I know this, I can even see it.... but breaking free from this, oof.... this one I think is gonna make me incredibly uncomfortable and I feel like I'm gonna just have to push through the fear ya know?

Not looking forward to these challenges. But sweet friends, when we recognize that we're wrong...we have to change. These fears seem so petty and childish right? I wish I could just be like "okay, I'm gonna trust people and pour my heart and know that I'm not gonna be alone in this" boom, wonderful. lol but I don't foresee that happening, this is gonna be one of those surrender moments I think and I'm not sure what that looks like. I'll let ya know when I get there. 

If anyone has some good tips on how to do this more quickly, feel free to message me. 

Well, there's so much more on my heart but... this post is long enough. Praying for you sweet friends, we're bound to figure all this stuff out if we just keep walking with Him. 

love ya -d

Hidden Bruises

 

       No, not physical ones. But this past week sweet friends, I have been feeling some things that honestly, have been buried inside of my heart for a while now...and they hurt pretty bad. This has been a really tough month but this past week....man, internally, it's been brutal. Ya know the hardest part of wanting to see the Truth? ....is actually seeing the Truth. Do I wish I wouldn't of asked God to reveal it to me? No, I WANT to see the Truth... I just didn't realize that it would shake me up so bad, or honestly cause such a fight within me between what I'm seeing more clearly and what I'm still holding onto which is "hope" that things can and will change. It's a battle for sure, and there are days sweet friends that I am not really sure which side I want to win. Does that even make any sense?

I'm so tired of this fight. It's taking a bigger toll than I expected it to. In a lot of areas. You know what one of the hard parts of all this is, feeling unseen by the one person that should see me. Look, I get it, my husband is going through his own battles for sure... however, when did I stop mattering? That is a heavy feeling, and maybe...it's just a feeling. Maybe it's not the truth. I hope not. But, I'm crumbling and I don't think it's a mystery to my husband, I can't believe he hasn't noticed that I'm not me anymore...

the silence,

the pleading,

the distance,

lack of joy,

I'm exhausted in every way possible... that should be a little noticeable yeah?

Nothing.

This is what happens sweet friends, when we get so focused on our own hurt. We've all probably been here in some way. I'm trying my best not to live here, engulfed in my own feelings. It would be easy to just let it swallow me up. Fighting is hard work isn't it? But it's so important sweet friends. It will consume us if we stop fighting it, it will overshadow every bit of joy and contentment we have if we let it, and it will eventually destroy us completely if we choose to give in and give up. I'm seeing the battle in my husband, most days, he's letting it rule. It's a good wake up call for me to see what it's doing to him and to work that much harder to not let my own hurt take control of me. But it's still painful to watch and it's still painful to deal.

I'm definitely not going to ask God to show me what's happening in the spiritual realm around my life. No thank you, don't want to see it at all, because I have this hunch, it's probably terrifying. Most days here lately, I feel like I'm clawing and pushing my way to the surface. I have been hiding this past year, I'm really starting to realize that. I didn't intentionally set out to keep myself SO hidden from people but I've felt some things release in me here recently and it's kind of exposed that truth that I really did a lot to hide from people. It's been a frustrating realization. I understand why I did it, I've hidden for quite a few years, but this past year... has been more intense in trying not to be seen or heard. If you get what I'm saying because you've been there too, I'm sorry that you know what I mean. 

But the spiritual warfare right now in my life is intense. And right now, I have a husband who is welcoming more of it in and he doesn't even realize it. Oh he should... he knows better. But that happens too when we allow our feelings and hurt to take precedence over what we know is truth. I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable and unprotected right now. And it scares me a bit. My prayer life, is exhausted. I can't think of anything else to say anymore about myself or about this situation I'm in. I have nothing left to say. And to a point, that's okay sweet friends. God doesn't need us to be wordsy, He knows our hearts. He catches our tears, and sometimes it's absolutely okay to not say anything.  But that's not really what I'm talking about. There's a heaviness when I try to focus on me and my marriage. Is it spiritual, yes for sure. Is it me... yeah I think that is also a part of it. It's not a rebellion on my part, it's more of an "I give up".... and not in a "I surrender to you God" but more of a "I have nothing left and I'm on the verge of not caring." And that is dangerous sweet friends, it is. I don't want to be here in this place, I've fought for so long to not end up in this place... and yet, I'm barely hanging on.

(long sigh) Sometimes, those deep hidden bruises... can become all we start feeling ya know? The more the same actions produce the same bruises over and over again.... the hurt starts to get too big. And we want to stop begging them to quit. And they seem clueless because for some reason, they can't even see the marks they're leaving behind. Marks we're supposed to heal on our own while they expect us to comfort them in their pain. It doesn't work like that sweet friends and I'm slowly learning that to continue to allow it in my own life, on this temple.... is disobedience to the God who loves me.

What do I do with that? 

My fear is, I partly know what I am supposed to do with that....but I'm also desperately grappling for anything else to take it's place and be the right answer ya know? There's got to be a balance of being able to be obedient and live well in a marriage that isn't...well and obedient? Yeah, even typing it is stupid. Oh sweet friends, I need clarity, and more importantly, I need to really want the clarity. This is hard. 

My parents, both in their 80's, are celebrating their 65th anniversary. Pretty exciting. My mom doesn't know about it, my dad is surprising her with lunch and a cake tomorrow. It was a surprise to me too when he told me he wanted to join my mom and sister and I on our girls day that we always spend every week with mom, so we could celebrate it together. My parents have been legally "separated" for oh... over 20 years. My mom moved out of the house the same day I did at 18. So.... kind of a bittersweet thing to mull over right now as I'm seeing the faithfulness of God in my family over the years. My parents haven't been together for so long, and yet, they get along and I do believe love each other (I don't quite get the relationship but...) we do family dinners, and birthdays, and holidays all together. Dad even shows up at mom's house and brings the pizza my mom likes and my mom has stopped down at my dad's on occasion and visited. It's weird, but I am so thankful that God has held our family together all these years even though it wasn't how I hoped it would be... God has been faithful. And for that, I am extremely thankful.

That is more the sweet part, the bitter part.... is what I'm grappling with right now in my own marriage. I hate uncertainty. I hate seeing some of the same attitudes and actions creeping into my own marriage, and the frustrating part is... we have opportunity to fix it, right now...before it's too late. But will we?

 I'm not giving up any time soon sweet friends, I'm just tired today. I'm feeling pretty defeated and I just want to lay down. But.... I will continue to stand up and fight until I have absolutely nothing left. But in the meantime, I will have to shift my focus a little in making sure that these deep bruises that keep reminding me how fragile I am in some places, don't get the best of me. It's okay to hurt, these bruises hurt...but they won't control me. And that's where this particular battle has to be won. Until Shawn makes a move or I make a move to remove the opportunity for bruising to continue...I have to deal with the blows as they come and do my best to not let them consume me. It's not right..but until I can grasp what exactly is.. that's the plan. 

Oh sweet friends, I don't even know who you are... I am humbled by the notifications I get on this blog. I fought God really hard last year when I felt Him tell me to blog about my journey, what a stretch this has been. But God knew He needed to work in my heart to be vulnerable again and you have all helped me do that, so thank you for being a safe place to land on a hard day. I pray for you every time I write because I know it's not MY story that brings you back here, but it's that you can relate YOUR story to what I am writing. I hope you feel encouraged on your hard days and I hope it brings comfort to know that YOU are not alone in this life. We can do this sweet friends, one day at a time, learning how to lay all the hard things down at His feet and learning how to walk in righteousness even when life gets messy. Thanks for letting me be a part of your journey in some small way, and thanks for walking along with me in mine. I have no idea who you all are, but I love you, I really do and I'm praying that You have Victory in whatever you are facing. Hang in there! -d 

Voices

 

    Okay so one of my biggest fears in telling people all these years that things were hard, and drawing attention to what was going on at times.... was that everyone would ya know, have an opinion.

and now, here we are. 

The Truth.... I was wrong, we were wrong to not open up about the deep struggles. Satan loves the dark right? And Satan also loves confusion... which is kinda where I'm finding myself here lately. I don't like it sweet friends, but there are so many things, all at once, and I'm finding myself doubting my own judgement a lot. Now, part of that I think is because I'm getting a bit of a wake up call over things that I thought were one way, and am now realizing that I was wrong in my thinking. Which makes sense, but... it's causing me to maybe be overly cautious with what I "think" I know right now, and THAT is causing a lot of frustration and confusion in me.  

And then... we've got people. I love people. But now that people are seeing things for themselves, ya know the VERY little that they are seeing and know about, but of course enough to form opinions (and that's fine) but I'm hearing a lot of things that are somewhat shaking me up a little inside and I'm afraid I might listen to the wrong things. Now, God has brought some very specific people into our lives and thankfully those opinions are I feel a little more trustworthy. Not that I won't always weigh them against the God that I know and His Word... but even in that, I've seen how I've missed the mark myself so... what do I really know ya know? But the fact still remains that there are many voices starting to weigh in here and.... I'm a little lost.  

I am also in a weird place, it's like, I've prayed the same prayers so much over our lives and my husband and I am just so tired now, I don't have any more prayers to pray over this situation. Does that make sense? I just can't seem to pull any more out. Is that spiritual warfare? Is it simply my flesh just being discouraged and tired? Is it that I've done all I can and I just have to sit back and let God do what He's gonna do from all the prayers I've already spent hours praying over the years? Is it just simply an act of Faith? What is this season I'm in? I don't know sweet friends, and I'm sure there are many of you that can relate here. I wish I had the answers, part of me feels guilty, as if I've just given up trying... but I know that's not true, I just have nothing left in this department.... and I'm not sure what that means. 

I should've went to Bible Study this week, I wanted to go. But I didn't. I'm just so tired sweet friends. And I know that a room full of ladies who love Jesus is a great place for me to be. But I'm tired, my mind is full, and my heart is heavy. The frustrations are so big right now. It's taking everything in me to just try and stay focused on what I need to be doing and to try and keep a clear mind while I'm working.

It's not working. The constant daily worry overpowers me and I find myself trying to keep everything afloat. I know I can't do it all. I know I shouldn't be doing it all. I don't think it's my "compassion" either, I think it's all just self preservation, I don't want to suffer the hard things that will come if I don't help figure things out. And I KNOW that it's not fair. I know it's not right. I know it's not all my job. 

but... not trying doesn't make sense to me. Things need to get done. And yet I know I'm also probably in the way of...whatever needs to happen to force change. I don't know. I feel like I'm right in the middle of the battlefield. A battle I'm fighting in, but one I'm also supposed to get out of the way of.  How do I do both those things? How do I not get wounded in the process? How to I fight the battle, from the sidelines?

I am so confused. And honestly, I feel like I'm probably doing everything wrong. Oh sweet friends... life can be hard yeah? And yet, God is still faithful as we flail about, sometimes forgetting to listen to what He's quietly speaking to us as we keep running our mouths in despair. Man, He must get frustrated sometimes. Of course He does, just like He did with the Israelites, who kept running their mouths, not listening, heaping curses on themselves and asking God why everything was happening to them over and over again... and God's like "well...stop being disobedient morons."   (clearly I paraphrased) 

And the most painful thing in all this, is my slow realization that I too, have been disobedient all this time. Not intentionally and that helps a little bit. There is willful disobedience which God is really harsh about in His Word for sure, but He also talks about unintentional disobedience. Both are wrong, just one carries a harsher punishment than the other. But once we KNOW the Truth... we are held accountable with what we do with it right? And that's where I'm finding myself now. And it is HARD to try to figure out these lines of obedience in the MIDST of the chaos. It would be easier to run and only deal with me. But that's not where I'm at sweet friends and now I have to seek the Truth and what is Right, here in the midst of the hard, the unsure, the unpredictable, the hurt.... and try not to get swallowed up in it. 

Everything I know, is being challenged right now, down to it's core. And that's okay, I think it's part of that Refining Fire, but it is pretty painful sweet friends. Challenging what I have believed vs. what is actual truth. Finding God's heart not only for me but for my marriage and my husband. Understanding what is selfish on my part and what is sacrificial. What is acceptable, and what is not. What is my role here in all of this. How do I move forward in my own journey of healing without losing sight of my marriage. These are hard questions and honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing...I've never been here before. 

I know what people think. People who care. People who mean well. People who love the Lord. But at the end of the day....I have to make the right decisions, not based on my feelings, but on Truth. On what God is telling me.

I just wish I could hear His voice a little more clearly. I think my heart might be getting in the way of that. And I need to figure out how to hear His voice past all the chaos within. Pray for me sweet friends, I don't want to move in any direction unless I know it's where I'm supposed to be. And I don't want to stay here either.

If you are facing your own heart today and can't hear your Master's voice... I encourage you, don't ignore that fact. We cannot do this well without Him. Find time to sit at His feet, and don't give up until the noise quiets down. He is faithful. He is speaking. Read His Word, and learn how to listen sweet friends. It might not be today, It might not be tomorrow. But be diligent, it will come as we learn. how. to. listen.

love ya -d  

"Hush, Fear".... I'm not listening anymore.

 

      I sat at the park today, all day...just taking some time to work through some things in my heart and mind. I am so thankful for a peaceful place I can retreat to close to home, when home isn't the peaceful place ya know? I love this park, I spent a lot of my teen years hanging out in this park, so it kind of feels like home too ya know? Oh sweet friends, my heart is heavy with so many realizations these past couple of weeks. It's okay, I'm okay. It's just a lot to try to pull apart and grasp. 

I know what I need to do, and I will do it. But not today. I'm not ready for what's coming. I could barely fight the small battles today. I learned something about myself today as I've been reflecting on the past few years, this past year, and planning ahead..... I had no idea how much "fear" had creeped into a lot of crevices of my life. I felt it today, several times as I focused on what in the world I've been doing all this time. I'm pretty mad about it. How did it get there? How did I not recognize it for what it was? How did I become so fearful? It's stupid and I hate it. But, I can't deny it's there. My body won't let me ignore it either... and I think that's the part that is waking me up to my reality. I have to change this, I have to deal with and get rid of the fear. All of it. 

Some things are a bit jumbled, I'm sure many of you understand what I'm talking about. Everything can get a little blurry but once we start pulling things apart and taking a better look, sometimes we can see it. Of course, the Holy Spirit is pretty good about shining a light on things. At first I was begging God for clarity, now.... I've figuratively got my bags packed! I just wanna run... but that's my flesh. My spirit knows better, and wants better. So I'll stay and fight. 

You know what I'm most discouraged and infuriated with? I let the Enemy come into my life and take things from me, some he even got me to hand over freely because I was so worn down, I didn't notice him working to destroy and frankly neutralize me. I was so focused on my husband being attacked by him I didn't realize how much of a target I was too. How did I not notice? How did I not just KNOW this? Where was my brain? And you know what the Enemy replaced those precious things I handed over with? Fear. Yeah, because every time I handed over a piece of who I was, a passion that brought me joy and honor to God through it's use, a piece that defined me as a person... it was replaced with a fear of unworthiness, because my identity was disappearing piece by piece over the years. Now my identity is in Christ, that's not what I'm talking about, I'm talking about all the things that made me, me. I let so many things die off over the years, and I just chalked it up to .... that's life, people change, it's just for a time, I'll find new things to do...of course, I never really did find "new" things. I just slowly disappeared. To say that I'm livid over this is an understatement. I'm trying to keep this anger at an acceptable place. Keep it as a righteous anger focused on the enemy and not turn it on myself for being careless with all the things God has given me. I know God's heart for me sweet friends, and because of that, I believe I can stay on the right side of this anger, and I can see His compassion over me all these years as He watched me struggle with the truth. His heart probably broke more than mine did, right? He loves us and He still chooses us when we can't see things clearly. And for that I am thankful.

    When I handed over my voice, my choices, my desires, my plans in exchange for "peace" oh not real peace, just calmer storms. I stopped making my own decisions.... man, if you know me at all, the old me, you'd be scratching your head right now. Yes, the incredibly independent, strong, capable woman... stopped having a voice, because I chose to. And looking back, it breaks my own heart. It was unnecessary, I just fooled myself, or was fooled into believing it was the "best thing". That's embarrassing to admit. I can't even believe it myself really but there it is, in my face, staring at me bold and confident. I lost my joy at times... because of this. I have joy now, it's never left completely, but at times I couldn't find it... now I understand why.  

Right now I feel the pressure from others to get this boldness back. It's good pressure, it's right. But the emotions tied to this realization are a bit loud inside. This woman I used to be, is still here... she's just a little lost. I'll find her sweet friends. God has been calling this part of me to the surface for a while now, but He's revealing the parts that need healed and let go of in this process of restoration. And now that I'm seeing the bigger picture of my life, I'm kind of glad God didn't do what I asked early on this year and "hurry up" with this process so I can move on. I'm thankful He slowed me down a bit. It's too much all at once. And now I'm seeing the layers over time that got me to this place. The Enemy works slow and subtly doesn't he? Probably so we don't catch on to what he's actually doing.... destroying us bit by bit. 

My husband keeps talking about our future. Plans we've had, some goals we had been working towards, hope of a promising life. I can't see it anymore. I can only see tomorrow and that's the harsh truth. He doesn't know that's where I'm at right now. I don't think it would be that beneficial to tell him either. His talks about the future seem to be the only glimmer he has right now, so I'll let him hold on to it, and I'm just gonna hold onto God's hand because I have no idea what my future holds. But God does and for now, I'm just going to have to trust Him with all of it. It's all I can do. And see, even in that, "fear of the future"... it's way too much fear creeping into my life. 

The point of all this, I recognize it sweet friends. I can see it. I'm angry about it. I don't plan on keeping it either. I will get it out of my life. Every action I take that hesitates with fear... I will crush it and move forward anyway. Because that's how we do it. We push back. We walk through it. We keep going. And I know that as I begin to do that in all these small areas, freedom will rise up, and God will resurrect all the dead places in my heart. Because THAT is Who He Is. And there is not ONE THING Satan can do about it. I'm taking all the things back. 

You know what else I'm noticing here lately? The fear that shows up, whenever I go to connect with someone for myself. Right? Like I am all about connection, that's never went away. I'm really good at connecting with people and frankly helping other people connect with each other. I love people, it's easy for me to reach out to them and encourage or let them know they are thought about and loved right? Easy. But my "isolation" time, wasn't about not "connecting" and having people in our lives. We've always had people in our lives. But it was the "holding people at a distance from knowing us too deeply." Make sense? So now.... getting BACK to that kind of vulnerability... is hard. And frustrating right? Because it shouldn't be. But fear.... fear of what exactly? Rejection? I don't know sweet friends, I've never really cared what people think (I know, kind of sounds not like me but it's true.) My value hasn't come from other people, and I don't believe that has changed. However, my focus became so centered on my husband that my identity... started resting on being a "good helpmate" and that got distorted over the years... clearly. But pleasing people or needing to be "needed" by others... hmmm. I don't really like needy people lol so I'm not sure "rejection" is the problem. Now feeling "unworthy" kind of points to "fear of rejection" right? so hmmm, I'll have to think about that for a bit. But I'm a little puzzled over the "fear" that rises when I decide to "reach out" for me. It doesn't really make sense. I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with this. We should probably figure it out though. Because I think one of Satan's biggest tools in keeping me "neutralized" and "ineffective" ... has to do with keeping me from being vulnerable with other people. (long sigh....) I'm working on it sweet friends, I'm working on it. 

You work on it too. I'm learning with the Holy Spirit kinda starting to pound it in me every time I turn around here lately.... we need people. That's how it's supposed to work. That's how He designed His Body to function. People CAN love us just as much as we love them.... plus, Satan doesn't want us to have people.... and that ticks me off. So.... I'm gonna find some. Let's do it. Make him mad. 

Love ya -d 

 

The Enemy...

    Sweet friends.... today was almost unbearable. You've been there right? I think today was one of the heaviest attacks of the enemy I've had on my emotions. I recognized it early on today, but this spiritual battle seemed different than what I have faced before. I don't even know if I can really explain it accurately... but here's the thing. You know that Scripture... "whatever you bind on earth is bound in heaven"? Right you know the one, and it's one of those verses we're all like "oh yeah, yeah, that's good"... like we all really understand it but then we're also like...."what?". Yeah that one. But God has been teaching me a little bit about that verse. I still don't completely get it but there is something about spiritual warfare and that verse and TALKING about things like this... that is binding and loosing things in the spiritual realm. Understand? No? it's okay, I don't completely either... but there IS something to it and God is using my vulnerability in writing here... in my spiritual warfare. Crazy. 

Today... I have felt the crushing pressure in my spirit. The enemy was relentless and for most of the day, I had a really hard time getting a grip on my emotions and a lot of frustration and anger kept warring inside of me. Now, I had a busy work day so I didn't really have the "time" to sit and process ya know, which didn't help but that's life sometimes right? But when I finally did have a moment to stop and "feel" what was going on... it took me down sweet friends. And fast. It was a fight of truth vs. lies and man it was heavy. I was already in the middle of this battle before my husband decided to get involved.... and not in a good way at all. Honestly... the Enemy threw everything he could at me tonight. The jerk. Luckily my husband backed down eventually and just left me alone to fight on my own which is what I needed. And then all of a sudden... done. The pressure lifted, the flood of emotions subsided, and I knew without a doubt... it was warfare. Like I wasn't already tired...lol. I am so done with this day sweet friends. 

I hope something good was accomplished tonight in this battle. I hope God was pleased at the end of it. I stumbled a little, let the despair in a little too much at one point I'll admit that, I was just so tired of all of it. But I think the thing that really pushed me to fight back was the feelings of wanting to be angry with God... look, I'm not going to be angry with God, over any of the things I'm struggling with. I've already determined that in my heart and I really sensed that this was the goal tonight... to get me turned around in that department. Sometimes demons, are just bold ya know? I refuse to go there..simply because I know the Truth in this, God is never wrong. Period. I can be mad at my situation, my faults, shawn's faults, the unfairness of life... but to choose to be mad at God... waste of my time and focus. He loves me. He has a plan that is GOOD. He is upset with the sin, deception, hurt, chaos in our lives right now. No way I'm gonna turn my anger towards Him. I'm going to run to Him with my anger at all these things and let Him help me let go of it all and heal me. And I hope the Enemy heard that message loud and clear tonight.

My body is shaky right now sweet friends. Which, is normal sometimes for spiritual warfare. It's a real thing and many of you totally understand that, you've been there too. That's why we remember in times like this, to continue to "fix our eyes on Jesus" because we have no stinkin' idea what is really going on around us and we have a very real enemy that is definitely out to destroy us. 

I still have all of these emotions to work through. (Tomorrow lol) But the crushing weight is gone and for that, I am very thankful. 

Sweet friends, guard yourselves, recognize the enemy, hold onto Truth, and be ready.... to fight. I am praying for you to stay strong in your battle. You are not alone. Neither am I. Satan can take that note and put it in his back pocket, in case he forgets that about me. Jerk. 

love you guys, it's 2 in the morning, I'm going to bed, goodnight  - d 

Finding Truth in the Broken Places...

       Man.... anyone else ever regret asking God to show you the truth? Yeah, me too. I've been begging God for clarity, I've been determined to find the truth, I've been so angry at my own confusion here lately... and now I just want to run. Not gonna lie. The truth is heavier than I thought it would be. It's more painful than I thought it would be too. Honestly, I'm not happy with the truth sweet friends. In fact, I feel even more broken by it. The Truth is what sets us free.... this Truth WILL set me free. But sometimes we forget about the part where we have to choose to acknowledge it, embrace it, and reconcile with God over it. I am sitting here in the middle of the mess, Shawn's mess, My mess... my heart is heavy now with truth. 

Oh there's still plenty of things I don't have a clue about. Lots of things I still need to figure out moving forward. but today... I'm sitting here with what I do know. And I can't move, does that make sense?  And I'm angry with myself, oh not in a pity party type of way but in a "how was I so blind, deceived, stupid?" kind of way. Looking back, I KNEW better...didn't I? How did I let myself get so distracted and become so detached from the truth? I let myself disappear.... and I allowed all these pieces of me to be broken. 

The enemy was present no doubt, but somewhere along the line...I let my guard down. I took my eyes off of the truth and allowed him to step in and gain a really powerful foothold. The kind that stopped me from being me.... wow. That was a powerful move on his part, and I didn't even notice till this past year really. And as much as I want to say "and where was God?".... I already know the answer... He was right there, watching me walk into the trap that would start stripping me of precious things. He was there the whole time, through my blindness. I can say without a doubt that He never left me. I'm guessing His heart hurt watching me, not "get it". The part that is really hard right now, is trying to understand why God hid the truth from me when I asked Him about some of these things...see my spirit was right, I began to see things in the mix over the last few years but I never got an "answer" from God when I specifically asked Him if I was right.

Here's the thing... I know even now, one ABSOLUTE Truth... God is NEVER Wrong. So for me to allow myself to become angry with Him because I don't understand this part... it would be a waste of my time. He's not wrong, ever. And if that's the truth, then that can only mean one thing... I am.

So what if.... God doesn't just answer us when we ask the right questions, because it's about how well we actually know Him and the Truth? What if, I already had the answer the minute I asked the right question, I just was looking for Him to answer me the way I wanted Him too, and when He didn't, I allowed my own insecurities to take the lead over my faith in what I knew was already Truth? What if.. I messed up by not just walking in the Truth? These are hard questions, and maybe I'm still wrong in how I'm seeing this. All I know is that it is not God's heart to keep the Truth hidden from us, but it Is His heart that we seek Him, Know Him, and listen. Maybe I should've been listening in more ways than one. I have a lot to learn sweet friends. I'm gonna be talking with God about this part for a while... I want to understand.

As for the rest of the truths I'm facing... I'm not even sure where to start. Cleaning up our messes is never easy is it? Some things I know I can just change and move forward. But some of these places, are going to require more before I can move forward I'm afraid. And... I am afraid. Fear, here it comes again, I see it, I'm aware, it's there and ready to pounce. "Do not be afraid"... I hear the Spirit whispering in my heart... I know what the right thing is... I know I can do all things, even this. My confidence in myself has been shaken to the core, I hate that. But it's part of the realization that I've been wrong, when I didn't think I was wrong ya know? And that makes me question myself way more now. Am I doing the right thing? Am I seeing the actual truth? Am I being distracted? There's a balance here... and I have to find it. Because I can go the wrong direction very quickly if I'm not careful, but being too careful can keep me from moving forward in truth and healing. 

Why is this so hard? 

I've seen some things this past week, things that HAVE to change. And sitting in the middle of a relationship that has to change on both ends to get in right standing with God...and I can only be responsible for my part in the changing. But my changing will force decision on his part for sure. Is he ready? I don't know. Am I ready? I don't know. Sweet friends, I am the weakest I have ever been... and I feel like I am getting ready to step into the hardest fight I have ever been in. What am I doing? 

But what other options are there? None that are good. And I'm tired of watching the Enemy win in our lives. Even more so now, that I've seen more of the truth. It's definitely fueling my fire, I just hope the rest of me can keep up with my spirit. 

Deception is a powerful thing sweet friends and it can happen even to the strongest of us. "Guard your hearts above all else" and "Fix your eyes on Jesus"... sweet friends, DO NOT take your eyes off of Jesus for ONE SECOND. Trust me, it's all it takes to get distracted and give the Enemy the chance he's been looking for. It's serious. He's LOOKING for ways to destroy us... we're usually the ones that open the door.

Satan isn't going to win this battle. But, he's done a lot of damage here. He's also continuing to work. Please pray for Shawn. Pray for me. Pray for everyone God is bringing into our inner circle to help us fight. We are nothing special, but the Enemy has done well at keeping us from all the things God has for us... I can see that now.... and now it's time that we fight for our purpose. No more darkness. I'm done playing his stupid games.

Lift your eyes up sweet friends, see the truth in your own battles, and don't quit, we've got this....I'm praying for all of you. -d