My Mustard Seed

 

You know sweet friends, I've always thought the mustard seed passage was mostly about these huge acts of faith, focusing on "moving the mountains" and the point was that even if we had a little faith, we had what we needed to see God move in a mighty way so we needed to grow our faith and walk in big ways with God because the more we grow in our relationship with Him, the more we will see Him move in our lives. I'm not wrong.... but God has been teaching me the other side of having mustard seed faith.

The side where.... when everything is closing in around you and you do not feel like you have the strength to press on... but you still know that He is there.... He can still move the mountains. 

Life has been pretty hard lately and though my faith has not been shaken, I know who God is and I don't doubt Him one bit. He's proven Himself faithful to me too many times to ever question His presence in my life. BUT.... I have been so tired. (know what I mean?) I don't have the same energy when I get up in the morning to sit at His feet, I still do it, but my prayers sound different than they normally do, my focus is on things that I'm not normally distracted by, I'm a worship leader (not a title, it's who I am).... and I've had a hard time finding my song this year... does that make sense? (I listen to worship music all the time and worship, but I don't sit with my guitar or play my keyboard like I used to all the time...I just can't do it...) But, even in this season of a heavy heart... my faith is my foundation and even at my weakest points, that mustard seed is enough.

Because God responds to the quiet tears when I have nothing to say. Or the weeping that comes when everything feels like it's falling apart and everything hurts inside. Or the times I just sit in silence and shake my head because I have no idea what to do. He responds to all those things because even though I have absolutely no control over things that are happening, I TRUST that HE is still in control and I can still do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.  - Mustard Seed.

I'm not doing anything amazing for the Kingdom, but I am watching God move mountain after mountain in my life this past year... all because I know that He can and I trust Him to work in my life. His presence in my life has been so evident, I could list so many things. Do you know that even though life is pretty hard right now, I feel so loved by God. How amazing is that sweet friends? My heart aches for people who don't have a relationship with God, even more so for those who claim to but never get to this point of really experiencing a real relationship with Him. He is so very real and so very personal with each of us. He loves us and is fiercely protective of us. He is sweet friends, sometimes we may not feel that way because He allows bad things to happen to us in this life... but if we could just open our eyes and see Him working for us in the midst of those bad things... we'd understand that He does care and He is very present in our lives. ....maybe you need to activate your mustard seed right now and look up?

I'm looking at some pretty big mountains in front of me right now, and I have no idea how or when they are gonna move.... but I know they will. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on all the blessings I can see in the midst of this dark season. Faith IS a journey. An incredibly personal journey with my God and I regret nothing that I've had to go through and nothing that I will go through, because of what I KNOW is waiting for me on the other side. I can trust that. Because I trust Him. 

Love you sweet friends, praying for your faith journey today. I hope God has encouraged your heart to press on towards the goal. We can make it! -d

A time to be alone....

 Christmas Day was really hard this year sweet friends. Not because anyone was missing from the table, in fact we had a house full of family, friends, and extended family this year. Happy voices and laughter filled the room. My dad, who normally eats the meal and leaves... lingered for a long time. He told me before he left, "This was really nice, to be around happy people today, this was good." My heart soared for my Dad, he's been going through a lot these past few years and I could see the difference the day made for him.

But it was a very different day for me.... nobody in the room knew the real battle taking place. My husband was having a meltdown. Now, parts of that were very evident to the people sitting around, I don't think anyone in the room didn't realize quickly that something wasn't right with my husband.   Normally he's the fun guy in the room, full of good conversation and laughter... but that's not what anybody saw. 

I'm telling you sweet friends, when we allow things to continue to build and fester in our lives, it's going to spill out in the most inconvenient of times. And it did. He left me at my mom's house and went home. Then he packed a bag and left. Merry Christmas. 

Sweet friends, we're okay. This is more about what he is personally going through than us as a married couple. And I really debated even writing about this and sharing something super personal here. But... it's part of this journey we are both on. It's part of my journey and allowing you to walk with me through this, I believe is part of what God is doing in me. Sharing this type of information about the deep things in my life, has become a very foreign concept the last 10 years. God is bringing me out of that part of my life. Will I be careful what I do share on here, absolutely. But... this is REAL life, and we all go through hard times, I'm no different. But maybe, just maybe I can lead even through this. I will get through this, God will have the victory in my life, in my attitude, in my actions and if I can bring you along and show you how to do that... maybe it will encourage you in whatever struggle you are facing.

The thing about Believers, we need to be showing people how to walk through our struggles not pretend we never have any. My husband and I are just 2 people going through something that SO MANY couples go through. We aren't special. But we both belong to Jesus and because of THAT, we can bring you along in this journey and show you, how 2 people that belong to Jesus can and will find victory and will learn how to surrender to our Creator and Author of our lives. 

This road could continue to get rocky, and we have an Enemy that is for sure targeting and chasing us right now... like so many other Believers right now (yes? you know what I mean, if you are filled with the spirit, there is no denying demons have amped up their game here recently everywhere... we are definitely in a spiritual war) I'm not looking forward to baring my raw emotions and difficult journey with complete strangers, or with people that we know (why does that almost seem harder?) but... If the Spirit prompts me to share, then I will choose obedience. Because we are in spiritual warfare and if God wants me to share, I'm gonna share and trust Him for the reason. 

Back to my story.... I saw God intervening the entire day, things that were strategic with how (God's Plan) unfolded. My husband is staying in a very tiny cabin here in town, out at a campground that we know well, and we have a good relationship with the caretakers there. I call it the Shack (sound familiar?) I believe this is where God is going to work my husband over or he's gonna surrender. Just a feeling I have. And this isn't really a "separation", we aren't estranged. He just needs to figure some stuff out and I need some space to breathe. We're talking, we're spending time together, counseling is coming into the mix... it's just time for personal reflection and getting things straightened out in both our hearts and minds.

Is this a little scary? yes it is. Because I can only control me. My heart and mind are full all on their own and I am completely exhausted in every single way. And life is still going on... quickly and full. I own a business, I have plans for this business, a dream and a direction that GOD has placed in my heart for my business. And a determination that this time... the Enemy is NOT going to stop me or hold me back from accomplishing what God has placed in my heart to do, even though I believe that is exactly part of what is happening here with all of this. I'm having a very hard time concentrating on the things I wish I could concentrate on and instead, I'm worried about the state my husband is in and how I am supposed to move forward in all of this. Sometimes life just isn't fair is it sweet friends? But, God didn't promise a world of "fair" did He? No, but He does promise to walk with us and guide us through all the chaos and crazy of this world. And that is exactly what I plan to do, hopefully once I can catch up on some much needed sleep. Not tonight though, it's New Year's and we already committed to a community party. 

(long sigh) I want to be full of joy, but today, I'm just so tired. My smile won't be fake, because I can smile in this, yes it's painful, yes it continues to hurt, yes I feel insecure, yes, I'm a little angry that we are wasting our time on our own selfishness... but I have seen God's hand in my life so much lately that to ignore His presence and care in our lives would be the stupidest thing I could do right now. He is in control of what is happening in my life right now, my faith has to take action and trust that He is working in my life, in my husband's life. I don't feel worthy to encourage a friend... but I will. I don't feel worthy to touch base with couples we have counseled recently, but I will. Because HE is faithful to the work HE does. Thankfully, we don't take credit for the work God does in other people's lives, we know we are only vessels He CHOOSES to use, when we are walking with Him, not people He NEEDS to do His work. And that's why I can smile in the midst of this storm, and encourage when I feel so weak... Because HE is God and I am not. And honestly for that, I am so thankful. 

It's about time for my husband to get off work and come here so we can go to the party together. Bring in the new year and whatever that entails. Do I have any new year's resolutions? lol... I think I'm just gonna take it one day at a time for a while and my only goal is that I choose to walk in obedience everyday to the God who holds my future, who created me and loves me, and because He lives... I know I can face tomorrow. 

Happy New Year sweet friends. love ya - d

Learning God's heart in the waiting...

 

You know what's hard sweet friends? I had a really hard and hurtful night tonight.. and I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. Now I have an amazing family who are absolutely there for me no matter what.... but sometimes there are just things that need not be shared with family ya know? If you don't know, that's okay too, I just don't want to dive into the details of why tonight, so hopefully you can just take my word for that. And some friends, which I also have, I don't know, there are some things that I feel are just too much information and honestly sometimes in the struggle, I don't want to cause confusion or a bad witness, does that make sense? I believe in being transparent, and I don't believe any of us should try to hide that we have struggles, actually, I think good leaders and Believers need to in fact, SHOW the world HOW to get through trials and struggles, not pretend we don't have any.  But even with that, I do believe there is wisdom involved and we need to handle ourselves in the best way that glorifies God and doesn't become selfish just because we want to be heard and understood ... kinda make sense? 

Anyway, tonight my head and my heart hurt really bad over some things going on in my life. And I honestly didn't even want to be around any family or friends even trying to do something to take my mind off of things because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to focus or things might just come spilling out. It's a hard place to be right now. Of course God and I had a very long conversation in the car, He has been my best friend for many many many years now... but I admit, I did tell Him how much I wish He'd give me that friend He's promised me. 

This has been an interesting journey too, I KNOW that God has placed the desire in my heart for a good friend, at first that thought was a real struggle for me and something I honestly didn't want, but once I conceded because I understood the nature of why He was placing that desire back in my heart... it's been hard waiting. But ... I think I understand that too, maybe. The truth is, I don't just want anybody, I NEED someone who loves the Lord and someone who will have wisdom in seeing the truth of situations, not someone who gets caught up in emotions of the situations. And that person, whoever they are... is worth the wait.  I'm not even looking for them, because I know, when the time is right, God will make it very clear. Do I have any idea who it could be? Maybe. But I don't want my own thoughts to interfere with the truth. So I will wait, patiently for God to move and fulfill His promise to me. Until then, I will continue to do what I've always done... press on, walk humbly in the midst of what I cannot control and do my best to glorify God with my attitude and actions in the midst of really hard days. Because no matter who is in my life, God will always be the One I run to first.

Is it weird that I'm talking about this on here? Yeah it totally feels that way, however, I know the Spirit's prompting and my guess is, someone reading this needs to hear it. Whether you are in the same place that I'm in and you too are longing for a friend, or maybe you are the friend that God is calling to be in someone else's life.... either way, He has His reasons and even if it feels weird and a little uncomfortable to be so vulnerable with strangers...I'll be obedient.  And truthfully, I highly doubt my "friend" probably reads my blogs lol... although who knows! I'm not gonna worry about it, it is what it is.    

 You know, it probably seems like I have all these expectations for a friend, and really, I don't. In fact, I'll probably give more than I take. I'm not looking for a friend to coddle me or even be around all the time... I don't need that. I just am desiring a good solid friend who will take God's hand and mine at the same time. The kind of friend who I can just tell the hard things to and not have to be careful with what I say (not in vocabulary, but in the details) The kind of friend that maybe I don't even have to say anything but they know I'm having a hard day and they can just pray for me (this one is for real, because most people don't know that I'm having a hard day, not saying that's always the right thing, but it's been the normal for a long time for me) Those are the expectations really, because that's the kind of friend I try to be. 

Why is having a friend like this so important? Man, it's been interesting realizing WHY this type of friend is so important... God is the ONE who sustains me, who COMPLETES me, who makes me WHOLE... and ONLY HIM. But.... God has been revealing some things in me over the past several months, and He is slowly showing me how He is healing me and restoring me in several areas of my life. It is so humbling sweet friends, I don't think I can even put words to it all. God cares so much for us, and the thing is, He could heal me and restore me ALL ON HIS OWN... easy, BUT He CHOOSES to use His Body (us) in the healing and restoration process. What an amazing picture of His heart sweet friends! Not only is He revealing His heart to me as He works to heal and restore me, but He is also teaching me what it looks like to be a part of the Body of Christ and what He expects from all of us. We are all to love our Brothers and Sisters in Christ and work to bring them healing (relationship with God in all things) and restoration (helping them become what God is calling them to be). This process is not just about what God is doing for me, but what He also wants to do through me for other Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Can you imagine, if we all were the kind of friends we all wished we had? We should be. 

In my restoration process, I have a pretty good idea of the type of person God is going to bring into my life. I could be wrong, I'm not God. But... I also have some wisdom and I think I have a pretty good idea what it might look like. And it's a little intimidating, because I am a strong woman, a leader, I can read people pretty well and often can see right through them (know what I mean?) I don't beat around the bush and I get down to business pretty quick, I don't play games and I encourage and sometimes push people in the right direction (in a good leadership type of way..) .... and I'm pretty sure that's exactly the type of person God is gonna send me. Maybe even a few... because that's His nature. Restoration is a real thing with a real process that God only knows, but as excited as I am to have a friend like that, it's also probably gonna be an adjustment being on the other side of things. I'll take it in stride, and I'll be thankful that God is doing a work, even if it is uncomfortable at times. 

Trusting God's heart for us and His timing is part of our faith journey isn't it? It's where the rubber meets the road and we choose to live out what we say we believe. Even in the midst of all this turmoil and hurt, God is revealing His heart to me and I'm learning so many new things about Him on a much deeper level and I am so very thankful for that. God is good, All the time. Don't forget that! Love you sweet friends, now keep trusting God in whatever situation you are in and let's all do a better job loving the people that God places in front of us. We can do this! -d

Worthy of the Ask

 

Hebrews 4:16 "Come boldly before the throne of grace in times of need."

I believe this. Normally I live this, but here lately the asks seem like so much. I want to be content in every area of my life but I'm in a hard season, one that God has brought me into on purpose, and I struggle with the number of things I find my heart longing for. That probably doesn't really make much sense without context does it? I'll give you what I can...

When you're married, what your spouse goes through affects your life too. When your spouse goes on a journey with God, good or bad, it's not like we wave them off "have a great time, see ya when you get back!" No, we go along whether we want to or not. We experience the journey too.

I am on, been on, one of those journeys. This new one, is particularly hard. Trials are a part of life, and specific trials are part of our journey with God as He takes us through certain things to refine us and make us holy and pleasing to Him on this path He has created for us. 

God has a plan, has had a plan, for my husband and I, we've known about it for what seems like forever... we haven't seen it fulfilled yet. That's hard.

Here's the even harder part... why has it taken so long? I don't think it's God, I think it's us. We aren't where we need to be and we are each only responsible for ourselves in this. Wanna know an unfair aspect of marriage and ministry? ...This. 

God will not move a couple forward, unless the couple is ready. Why? Because it isn't about us, it's about His purposes, His glory. And, we as individuals and our individual relationship with God will always be more important to Him than what we can "do".

Now, God can and will move according to His purposes in spite of any of us, but His heart is that we are right with Him and love Him before we love ministry.

Make sense?

God has been taking my husband through a very hard journey of "stripping away" anything that is getting in the way of his relationship with God. Its been really hard to watch. It's also been incredibly humbling to watch as my fear of God has definitely deepened over the past few months. He is fierce when it comes to wanting the hearts of His Children. God will never force us to choose Him, but He will bend us to the point of decision. I'm watching it happen, on the sidelines, where I belong for this one. I can't do anything, just pray, encourage, and watch. 

But I'm learning a lot and seeing a different side of God that of course gives me a holy fear and better understanding of the term "jealous God". But also, a really clear picture of His heart towards us sweet friends. He loves us so much, that He is willing to go to battle with us, to deal with our stubbornness, our anger, our defiance... to literally not leave us alone. 

How do we deserve such an amazing love like this from our Creator? We don't deserve it, and yet here He is, pursuing us fiercely, relentlessly, patiently waiting for us to surrender to something so much better than what we are fighting to keep. We are stupid. 

And the dynamic of God's personality... Here He is, dealing quite harshly with my husband, and with me.. He is forcing me to stop and focus on taking care of myself and bringing healing to some broken places that have been stolen, and leading me towards rest. Same God... Awesome. 

Now back to the "Ask"...

I feel so overwhelmed with all this change. Everything feels so "uncertain" because it seems so much hinges on how we handle ourselves, which has sort of stripped that feeling of security right out from under me. Now I trust God in this process. He is never wrong and He is always faithful. However, it doesn't mean things won't continue to get rough. 

As a couple going through this season, I don't feel worthy of asking that God make this easier. Consequences of decisions made... don't deserve an ask to make it better. And yet I know, He is still our Deliverer even when we don't deserve it. But finding that line between humility and boldness has been hard. 

Realizing through humility, the greatness of our God and how much He has actually done for both of us throughout the years, all the blessings He has lavished on us when we didn't deserve it and at times weren't thankful enough for it... how do I ask for more?

He knows my heart, better than anyone, and that's why I know He will listen. Jesus loves me, this I also know...

but, this struggle is still real. Maybe I'm realizing today how the Enemy has attacked my worth over the past several years. Maybe I'm realizing how much I've allowed him to gain access to my self worth. How maybe I let myself not only listen but maybe I even believed some of the lies. 

I'm angry that I did that, I'm angry that he caught me on some hard days when I was too focused on the problems that I let my guard down long enough for him to influence how I saw myself. He is still trying his tricks today... but at least I'm aware. 

The battle I'm facing within today is... I feel so unworthy. And truthfully for more reasons than I wrote down, but none of those really matter because the TRUTH is... I'm wrong. And I know that is the truth. I'm not wrong in knowing that I am not worthy of God's love, none of us are. But that IS who God is, and I am wrong to allow myself to shy away from His perfect love for me simply because I don't "feel" worthy of it. 

Know what I mean? There is a big difference in us knowing the truth sweet friends, and us choosing to actually walk in it. It's the walking in it that takes intentional work on our part. It's us recognizing those lies that the enemy throws at us at the perfect time to trip us up and pull us into bondage. It's building up our armor daily so we are ready for when those hard days come and those arrows fly from the enemy. Walking in truth is work sweet friends, because our faith is actually an action on our part. Believing something is the easy part, living it out is the work. And that's where I'm at with this right now. Finding the truth in the midst of what seems like chaos and blurred lines. I'll find it, I'll fight the enemy, I'll find my worth where it's supposed to be found. It might take me a bit ... but I'll find it. 

Pray for me sweet friends, some days are much harder than others, sometimes I feel so incredibly weak and tired, and so ready to just "give up" whatever that even looks like. But that's not what I really want. It's not what God wants and that's why I get back up, wipe the tears, and put one foot in front of the other. But your prayers for me mean a lot. I am praying for you too sweet friends, I know I'm not the only one facing a hard uphill battle today. We can do this! Grab His hand and don't let go! Thanks for walking this journey with me. love ya, -d

And A Time....to let go.

 A few months ago, God told me that He was going to take my husband on a journey, of stripping away the things that needed to go. He said "It's going to get dark for a while. Hold on."

I was ready, to walk through whatever refining fire my husband needed to go through and do my best to encourage him, lift him up, be strong for him, just as I have done for the last 15 years of a very difficult journey we've been on. (married for 17 years) 

I didn't know that a few months ago, I wouldn't be walking with him through the trial but instead, I would be the one he was fighting against in his process. I wasn't prepared. And I didn't know that God had a plan for me that forced me to take my focus off of trying to fix things for my husband and to stop and put some attention on myself. I was not prepared for the very personal journey that God was taking me on as well.   

You know what I really love about God? He has enough time and attention for all of us. It humbles me that here I was, preparing once again to walk with my husband through his fire, and God is like, "No, you're going to sit this one out, I have something just for you..." God loves and cares about each one of us, don't forget that sweet friends! YOU are important to God.

So my journey...so far... has been incredibly painful, but I have come to understand it's purpose. God is healing me and making me whole again. I didn't realize how deeply broken some of these pieces of my life were. God has been bringing some of these broken parts of me to the surface and exposing them to His light.

My questions here lately have been a lot of...Why now? Why everything? Why is this necessary?

Last January, my husband experienced "freedom" from something he has been dealing with for the past 15 years (that's maybe a story I'll share with you some other time) BUT...

I was ready to move on. Move forward. Embrace the freedom and the next chapter of our lives. One thing about me, I don't hold grudges. I'm quick to forgive and I have no desire to waste my time being angry and bitter. Over the years, God has taught me how to deal with my resentment and anger as it came. And for that, I am thankful.

But it wasn't anger and bitterness, or unforgiveness that I've needed to deal with. It was, well is... some deep pain and hurt that I've managed to bury and ignore over the years. It's been realizing that some of the things inside of me have died throughout the years and God is actually taking me through a "grieving" process that has been unexpected, and hard but healing. I've set aside dreams, I've stopped doing some things that were important to me, I've realized how hard life has been.... and God is also showing me how much I've overcome. How strong I am... because of Him. And it's all been very overwhelming. I'm a little raw to say the least.

You know what I thought I have been doing the past 15 years, I thought I was letting go... but I'm realizing now that the "relational" things like resentment and anger and forgiveness and those types of things I've been really good at letting go of. But the personal things like rejection, loneliness. abandonment, hurt, neglect, and a few other things... those I had pushed down and moved on. Never really dealing with those things or the way I've allowed them to rob me of the joy and abundant life God has desired for me even during these very dark years.

I'm kinda mad at myself for not realizing these things sooner. I was just so focused on "today and tomorrow" that I didn't stop to look at myself. 

Do you know what I don't regret sweet friends? The last 15 years. The last 15 years have been hard, one difficult challenge after another. Most of those challenges were never known by our friends or families. I know I isolated myself from my closest friends.... because I knew how much they loved me and how much they would interfere in what we were trying to save.... our marriage. 

But through the last 15 years, I have grown so much in my relationship with God. My strength as a woman, wisdom & understanding, compassion for people, I've learned how to love people more deeply. Even though I may have pulled away from being as transparent with others about my struggles and journey, I became more intentional in making others feel heard, noticed, and loved. And that is something I treasure even in the hard of my own life, that God really has taught me how to "love my neighbor". It has been a time of growth in many areas of my life. I'm not the same woman I was 15 years ago... I believe I am a better woman now than I was then. And for that, I am grateful. 

Now, before anyone thinks we don't have a strong marriage, that is not the case. We do have a very strong marriage, and it's because we've learned how to walk through the fire together. To put up those hard boundaries that protected our marriage from outside influences that could cause it to crumble. We've made mistakes, we've hurt each other deeply, we haven't been at our best and we have failed each other may times. But we are solid. And we know what it's like to hold each other's hand, maybe at times, dangle each other over the edge lol but never let go of hope.

But hard times are just a part of life. 

We are in a very hard season right now, both of us. We both have very hard journeys we are on individually which affects our journey together. 

My emotions, are a little raw right now and here's the crazy thing; I feel this deep need...for a friend.

And it feels crazy and I have fought this feeling because, why now? Plus I have gotten so close to Jesus during the past 15 years and He has become EVERYTHING to me, I do not want to do anything to replace that or jeopardize that in any way. I have prayed that God would take this desire away, but I have felt Him chuckle at me a little, then the realization that this desire wasn't coming from me, but from Him.

Because His nature is that we are His Body, meant to love each other and rejoice and mourn with each other. And I have been that for others all these years and I love being there for others. But as part of my healing and restoration...He is giving me the desire for a deeper solid friendship. And I'll be honest, it's both exciting and scary. And I have no idea who it will be, but I'm not even gonna look, I'm gonna trust God with this process too! 

So what does "letting go" look like for me right now? I really have no idea, but I have a feeling that is exactly what God is asking me to do and I'm sure that as soon as I loosen my grip on all these things that are holding me back, the freedom and restoration will be well worth it.

If you are finding yourself in a journey full of hard right now sweet friend, you are not alone. Sometimes God has to bring out the broken pieces so He can make us whole again. Yes, sometimes we can just forget and move on, but that's not always what is best for us. And we serve a God who loves us beyond measure, and He wants what is best for us.

Trust Him in the process.

He is always faithful to us.

more to come... love ya sweet friends!   

An Unexpected Refreshing of the Soul...

 

Hey sweet friends, it's been a while yeah? So much has happened in my life since I've last posted on here. I've missed blogging, but I have been so busy and focused on the things that God has placed in my life that it's just been set aside for a while, not gone. ;) 

I have been on quite the journey this past year, but probably more so the last 6 months have been such a rollercoaster for me. A lot of really great and exciting things have been happening, my business is taking off and I'm hardly able to keep up with it all which is both amazing and completely overwhelming at the same time! God has been using myself and my husband in so many ways in ministry with our neighbors and strangers and teaching us how to really be the "church". It has been so rewarding and overwhelming at the hurt and brokenness and spiritual warfare taking place right in our own backyards. My husband has experienced some long awaited freedom and we are currently on a journey of growth and preparation for what God has in store for both of us together and it has not been an easy refining fire. But God is always Faithful and I am looking forward to reach the end of this particular journey.

      So, God did something for me the last few days and I am more and more humbled by His hand in my life and Who He Is. I've been struggling, like a lot lately. And without going into much detail, let's just say.... I have been left spent, weary, burdened, and really feeling alone in life. Now I have many wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ who love and care about me, but my role in most people's lives, is the listener, the leader, the pastor, the friend whom they go to when life gets hard... many of you understand this because you are that person too... and it is amazing to be called to be a leader in this world yeah? But sometimes it just leaves us feeling a little lost. My heart has been sad for a while because we have chosen to not go to "church" only because ...God called us out first of all, and we felt released from participating in churches that gave way to wickedness and things that so very clearly grieve the heart of God and we as serious followers of Jesus who can't stand by and spit in His face, could no longer link arms with those who do, regardless of how many "good" people were in the church. There comes a point, where the whole "audience of one" thing... actually needs to happen. BUT, with that change, came the heartache of not "belonging" to a church family and the fellowship and care that one receives when you are a part of a church.. now, I've also realized by not being associated with a church... I've also been forgotten by the "church" people.. Interesting huh? Pretty big light has been shown on how well the "church" is actually doing at loving people.... it's doing a terrible job. At least, around here. 

But even with all that difficulty of changing our lives, if you know me at all in person, you know how "church ministry" was my life, all day, everyday. But... God has been so faithful. We have never stopped ministering since we walked away from the building. God has brought so many people into our lives who have needed Jesus, and He has used us in so many ways. It's why we are confident in our decisions; it's why we are excited in what God has called us to do right now and in the future. 

But.... life has been super hard lately and we have been under major spiritual warfare as a couple and individually. I'm so tired, in every way. And I've been talking to God a lot lately about how I feel "shepherdless" and how I miss that type of care especially when life has been so hard lately. 

 I found myself in the emergency room a few days ago which landed me in the hospital for a couple days... I've been struggling with my health for a while now, we found that our house (which is a super old house) has had a major mold problem, and I have been feeling pretty sick for the last several years that we've lived in that house. I've had a lot of things going on in life so I didn't really pay too much attention to the fact that I wasn't feeling too well most of the time. I also thought stress was playing a part so I was quite dismissive about it all. My family love to talk about how stubborn I am when it comes to going to the doctor if I'm not feeling well... but truthfully, I might be a little stubborn and don't run to the doctor everytime I feel yucky, but there's more factors involved than me trying to be a martyr. Just facts I don't really want to talk about frankly. But a few days ago I had quite the scare and my husband and sister really pushed me to go, I still fought them, but in reality, I was sicker than I realized. 

I was released and went home, I was alone in the camper that we are living in at the moment while we deal with our house situation, and I asked God, why the hospital was part of His plan, I know financially I just racked up a ridiculous bill that we really can't afford right now and I didn't understand why this was happening. In that moment of my asking, I felt God's peace rush over me with the finances, basically giving me the impression that it's not my worry, and the words came to me "He maketh me lie down in green pastures... He restoreth my soul."  Oh sweet friends, the tears started to stream down my face as I realized what He had just done. God knew I needed to be taken care of. And He knew that I also needed to see people care for me. Yes, they were paid doctors and nurses, but they were so much more than that, I felt the care that they have for people. And they cared for me well. I didn't even realize how badly I needed that. I was able to just rest for once and let others care about me for a little while and my soul needed that refreshing. To not feel so invisible.

Now, I don't recommend, going to your nearest hospital to find people to care... that will be super expensive lol  BUT sweet friends, I am so humbled by a God who is MY SHEPHERD and He will always care for me and lead me beside still waters when I need it. And to top it all off, we picked the exact moment when the doctor I've really wanted to be my doctor eventually... was on call. That never happens, We've been in the emergency room so many times with my husband and she has never been the doctor on call. And the one time I go in, she's the doctor on call and I know that was God. She is a sister in Christ and I trust God will use her and give her wisdom in dealing with whatever is going on with my health. God loves us sweet friends, and if we look, we can see His hand guiding and directing our lives exactly as He plans. Trust Him. Be thankful. 

And just know.... YOU are never alone. 

A Simple Altar of Sacrifice

 Pondering God's mercy today... ya know, He's still the same God as He was in the beginning. I think we forget that sometimes don't we? I mean He is still the God that hates sin, who is fierce when it comes to keeping His Children from the influence of the world around us. Seems like a crazy thought especially because all we talk about anymore is how we need to go out into the world and reach people for Jesus... and we should. BUT it's one thing for God's People to influence those in the world and another for those in the world to influence God's people ... ouch right?  We as God's Children today often find ourselves supporting organizations, businesses people of this world who advocate for sin everyday. People of this world that push and move Satan's agenda forward everyday and we as God's Children have fooled ourselves into believing that "it's no big deal" or that maybe by us participating, somehow we are being a "witness" to the lost and they'll find Jesus as they hand us our favorite cup of coffee, or our merchandise, or our thank you for your support letter. It's a hard thing to ponder sweet friends but it's nothing new. The Old Testament talks all the time how the Nation of Israel caused it's people to sin... and we can say the same for our nation as well can't we? But many things that are sin.... we have a choice whether we participate or not. Do you know how important it is to God that His people don't sin? When the Israelites were wandering in the wilderness and God told them to annihilate different places... Do you know why He commanded them many times to not take any prisoners and bring them back to their camp? Because He didn't want the wicked people to influence the Israelites. Look it up! It's all throughout their journey. God was fierce about those ungodly influences leading His people into sin and separating them from Him. Kind of a humbling thought isn't it? Maybe as we go out into the world to reach people for Jesus... we need to keep in mind that we don't allow their influence to be stronger than ours. 

                         Do you want to know what is so amazing about God's mercy towards us? 

Lamentations 3:22-23

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. 

They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness."

His mercies are new every morning! Do you know what that tells me sweet friends? God does not want us to fail. He is always right here and willing to set us back on the path of righteousness! You guys, we are so loved by our Creator. No matter what we do, if we have a repentant heart, He is FAST to forgive us and set us upright again. That is amazing and worth our appreciation as His Children.

And when we realize just how merciful He is to us, especially when He doesn't have to be, we can better understand the beautiful gift of His grace that He gives us... to help give us strength to walk in righteousness, to break the hold of sin in our lives and empower us to turn away from temptation. Isn't it amazing how He has literally given us everything we need to BE His and to please Him with our lives? That verse found in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.".... that is literally what it means!!! Our excuses we use for our sin... are just that sweet friends, excuses. invalid. a crutch. He has GIVEN us what we need to be holy, we just have to walk in it! Whole heartedly. Intentionally. Everyday. He is always there if we mess up because that is who He is. But He is also with us everyday giving us everything we need so that we don't mess up. Embrace Him sweet friends. 

     

      This brings me to the topic of this post.. Have you ever sat and thought about all the things the Children of God had to do in order to be forgiven or blessed by God before Jesus came? They had to abide by the Laws and customs, rituals, and mostly sacrifices. IF they disobeyed or messed up their sacrifice, it usually was followed up by immediate death. They had to work in order to repent. 

BUT THEN JESUS CAME...

Oh how we take for granted that beautiful awesome sacrifice that was brutally paid on our behalf. We love to talk about it like we really know... but how often do we actually stop and really understand everything that was actually done for us? This ultimate sacrifice came with a price and Jesus was willing to lay down His life and so much more for us to be able to be with Him. In order to come to Him at ANY moment and repent of our sins and be washed clean and made holy again instantly. That's huge.

     But here's the other thing... what is the cost on our end? Of course His mercy, His grace, His salvation... is all offered to us freely isn't it? Right there in front of us for the taking. But the cost is... we have to accept it and allow it to change us. We have to understand that even though we no longer have to work in order to approach the altar of sacrifice...that act should not be taken lightly but seriously. We still serve the very same God of the Old Testament, we have received the beautiful gift of Jesus' sacrifice that made it so much easier to approach God's throne... but we are still approaching His throne. Now that we have a simple altar of sacrifice, we sometimes turn our sacrifice into something much more simpler than it should be don't we?

Micah 6:8

"He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you 

But to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?"

   Our attitudes are key when we approach our altar of sacrifice. Jesus paid a brutal price for my altar. The very least I can do is walk humbly to it, never take it's convenience for granted, to understand just how crucial and important it is in my life, and to always remember how much my simple altar cost my Savior.

 This altar is really anything but simple...

it's where I meet Jesus to talk about my life, 

to ask questions,

to seek guidance,

to lift others up in prayer, 

to gain strength,

to repent,

to be restored,

to get to know my God.

It is the most important place in my life... at His feet.

And because of His sacrifice, I can go there anytime I want.

Not simple... it's everything sweet friends. 

"Playing Disciple"?

    

John 8:31-32 says "If you abide in My Word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

Simple Truth: we CAN'T know the Truth....without knowing the Word.

  It really is that simple isn't it sweet friends? Sometimes we over complicate it and sometimes we don't think about it enough. But the reality is... how do we expect to know and understand who God is and what He expects of us, if we are not willing to pick up our Bible's and read it?  

  Today everyone has an opinion about everything don't they? And have you noticed how many people are sharing what God thinks about all these topics? Have you noticed that God's opinion varies depending on who is sharing it? Does that bother you? It bothers me sweet friends! It bothers me because God's opinion does NOT vary depending on who's speaking; He does NOT show favoritism, something is not "okay for me to do" but "not you"... God expects the same for His Children, the rules don't change depending on the kid. Sure, we're in different places on this journey but sin is never okay, no matter who you are.

   The point is... we either REALLY belong to Jesus or we just think we do. And those 2 facts are as far apart as they can be. There is no "in between" with Jesus. God is very clear with us, He's not playing. The ENTIRE BIBLE is about ONE THING: our relationship with Him. Whether we really know Him or not. Whether we really love Him or not. Period. Everything else we try to make the Bible about,(witnessing, works, blessings, ect.) is just part of being a Child of God. God's main concern for us, is whether we REALLY accept who He is or not. And IF we do.... our lives will reflect that decision.

    There is too much confusion in our Churches today. There are too many "Christians" walking around still bound by sin, depressed, angry, living out the things that God tells His Children not to do, speaking the name of Jesus, but have never allowed Him to transform their hearts, set them free, and make them a new creation... which is what a "Christian" really is.

    Collectively as the Church today, we have strayed so far away from the heart of God and what He has called us to be... His. Today, the "Church" is not the same as the Body of Christ. Today, "Christian" is not the same as Child of God. Some have walked away, some have been led away, some just close their eyes and stay away. But the Truth is: He didn't leave. He hasn't changed. We have.

   

We must get back to understanding who He is and what it means to actually belong to Him. In Matthew 7:21-23 it says "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord', will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"

   This isn't an unbeliever He's talking about... unbelievers don't do anything in God's name yes? This is someone who BELIEVES in Jesus... but never really accepted everything that means and surrendered to Him. 

    We love to use the beautiful picture of the thief on the cross who repented and believed in Jesus in his final hours and because of God's amazing grace, that man was washed clean and was able to enter Heaven. And all that is 100% true and amazing. The grace of God is what transforms us and makes us clean and worthy of eternity with Jesus! However...it may have been a very different story and outcome if the thief had gotten down off that cross and lived the rest of his life... right? He only had to live for Jesus for like 6 hours.

    I don't say this to take away from the TRUTH of the power of God's grace. That's why we have a hope always, that no matter what we've done, all it takes is one moment of repentance and surrender and God is ready to wash us clean and make us righteous. What we don't have is the guarantee of the last minute opportunity to get right with Jesus before we die. And that is the point isn't it?

    Are we serious about wanting to belong to Jesus or not? It's not about rules and regulations, it really is
about our relationship with Him. We don't sin, not because we are worried about the consequences (although we should remember that there ARE consequences for our sin) but we choose not to sin because we don't want to break His heart. We want to please Him. We want to show Him how much we appreciate everything He has done for us. We want to love Him back with everything we have because it's all we can do.

    Anyone can call themselves a "christian", a "child of God", a "believer in Jesus", and can go to "church"... but the only thing that matters in the end, when we stand face to face with Jesus... is whether or not we actually are...His.

Goals or Glory?

 

        January 2022 wow it's here! Like most people, I myself like to reflect on the past year, what I did right, what I messed up, how I've grown, and looking to the future full of all the things I want to accomplish. Both of those things can be incredibly overwhelming can't they? The older we get, it seems like time just flies by us doesn't it? Ya know what I've learned through the years... I have exactly 24 hours in every single day and I am 100% in control of how I spend them. Ouch right? That realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I might let my world control me... but I'm the one letting it. No excuses anymore. It's been harsh and I admit, I've felt overwhelmed quite often with how busy my life gets and how many things on my ever growing to do list are not getting done! Nonetheless, the Truth is still the Truth isn't it?

 I am responsible for my days...all of them. 

      My heart has been changed by this revelation and it is still a daily process of reminding myself of this, but I am slowly choosing better things, more important things, intentional things during my day. I'm prioritizing what makes my life meaningful. Choosing what kind of life I lead. Focusing on what legacy will be left behind when I'm gone. Trying to make a difference for the Kingdom of God. Working on loving my husband, my family, my friends, my neighbors well. 

The reality for me, it all starts and ends with this verse: 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

If you asked me whether or not I had a life verse, this would be it. How amazing is it really that God has a specific plan and purpose, a path specifically designed for each one of us. What an incredibly personal God we serve! Sometimes we forget that God loves each one of us individually, and we tend to throw ourselves into one overall group of "God's Children"... but oh sweet friend, we are more than just another number to God... yes we are part of one Body of Christ, but we are individually loved and counted! Don't forget that! This verse, along with many others, makes me feel so loved by my Creator!

      So one thing I've learned when it comes to making goals... I start by seeking the One who has the plan. The One who knows exactly what He created me to be and do with my life. He knows what is beneficial to me and what is harmful. And... I trust Him... even when the answer is "No". Because He created me and because He loves me, and because He has a plan and a purpose specifically for me. Why would I ever want to mess that up!?! 

     In this discovery process throughout my life, I've learned that my ways are not always His ways and I'm continuing to learn how to surrender my will for His, and how to do it with a grateful heart because I know it's what's best for me. No it is NOT easy, we are selfish and we have to fight with our flesh, with our minds, with our limited knowledge of the bigger picture.... but, with the help of the Holy Spirit and a willing heart to surrender our lives and all our desires to the One who loves us more than anything... it gets easier day by day. 

     Sweet friends, I pray for you, that you will seek your Creator with your whole heart. I pray that you are willing to lay down your own desires and dreams of success for His. Your greatest achievement in this life.... will be to love Him well.

"Well done, Good and Faithful Servant." -God

That is the goal sweet friends. To bring Him glory with everyday of our lives. Let's do this!

"Finding Christmas"

 

         So my husband and I did something fun this year.... we took a "Christmas Roadtrip". We decided we were tired of the hustle and bustle surrounding the season. We were tired of everything moving so fast that we were "missing" the entire season of Christmas. As we've gotten older, things seem to be over before they even start! Anybody else? So this year, we took a week off, rented a car and headed out to simply enjoy all things Christmas. We also didn't tell anyone where we were going, made it fun for our family and friends to follow along and guess where we were... plus that helped me to remember to take lots of pictures (because I am really bad about remembering to do that!) It was really fun finding things to post but not give it away too easily. Our family and friends had a lot of fun watching the journey. 

Now of course, Jesus is the real reason for the season and He was very present on our trip! We felt Him in our conversations, He guided and protected us on several occasions, we experienced His favor and blessings as we traveled along. He gave us a great time of resting, peace, and joy.

We live in Nebraska, and our weather has been unusually warm and snowless... so we decided to head

up through Colorado, figured we'd find snow at some point! And we did!! Of course, not until we headed up the mountains!! But it was beautiful....and very "Christmassy". Breckenridge and all those little towns surrounding sure know how to do Christmas! 

 We spent our honeymoon 14 years ago up by Breckenridge so it was definitely fun to head up that way and reminisce a little. I also used to spend lots of time on the slopes of Copper Mountain and Winter Park with my youth group... lots of fun memories brought to mind as we traveled in ski country. Our ride "Rudolf" was full of Christmas lights and music. Rudolf got more decorated as we went along. We're old....but Christmas brings out the kid in you I guess lol. 

As we traveled along, we stopped to grab a coffee or a cocoa (calories were not counted on this trip!😉) And I did really behave when we stopped in at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.... my husband, not so much lol. We pulled off in Colorado Springs because the windstorm came through with 100mph winds... no thank you, so we decided to hang around and do some shopping in Colorado Springs and Manitou Springs. We even stopped by the Focus on the Family Headquarters and shopped in the Bookstore... super fun! If you haven't visited there yet, definitely stop by and check it out next time you're in Colorado Springs, the Bookstore staff are pretty awesome as well. 

         

So seriously one of my favorite things we did on this trip, we  brought along a little Christmas Tree. So we put some lights on it and the goal was by the end of the trip to fill it with ornaments to help us remember our trip. Fun right? So yes I would drag that tree in every hotel room light it up and hang whatever ornaments we had on it every night, Shawn even beat me to it a few nights! Now we have a new tradition that will happen on every Christmas Roadtrip we take and our house will become full of little trees with the ornaments from each roadtrip hanging for us to remember. 

It also worked out that about every night in the Hotels, there were Christmas concert specials on tv, which I love so that was super fun to snuggle on the couch and watch fun Christmas concerts. I would have LOVED to go to a symphony while on the trip however, since we went during the week, there weren't any. But... maybe next time! 

If you ever decide to take a Christmas trip up to the mountain towns of Colorado, there are some awesome things to do!! We unfortunately opted out of some of them because we had both just gotten over a horrible flu bug and I still had a bit of a cold and honestly, I don't do well with altitude lol.... so we decided I probably didn't 
want pneumonia. BUT.... there are some AWESOME Christmas activities to definitely try out if you go! In Breckenridge, Sleigh rides through the mountain viewing thousands of lights!!! yes please! The

Cave of the Winds in Colorado Springs, has a light show and music. Georgetown, the little tiny mountain town has a full blown Christmas Market on the weekends of course we missed it but it looked like SO MUCH FUN! And... a Christmas Train Ride through the mountain. Plus tons of other activities so... bundle up (trust me, it's freezing) and have some unique holiday fun! 

We stopped in Georgetown... what a quaint little historic town. Super fun to just drive around and look at all the old buildings. They have an adorable little Main Street full of shops and friendly people. 

This trip was so relaxing and enjoyable. We found the simple things like Christmas lights and decorated trees brought joy and reminded us that people still celebrate the good things. We needed that. We needed to take time to slow down and look around. It was fun just taking our time strolling through the streets entering shops that were full of Christmas cheer. It was fun not being in a rush and talking with shop owners and townsfolk and travelers just like us. We shouldn't have to get away in order to do that, and yet we get into a rushed routine at home don't we? This was a pleasant, enjoyable, relaxed, joyful and much needed trip.                                                                                 When all was said and done.... we came back home, refreshed, relaxed, and definitely felt that we had in fact... found Christmas. Our little finished Road Trip Christmas Tree sat on display in our living room. Friends and family had fun looking at it when they came over and the common statement was "Oooh is this the roadtrip tree?" lol. I'm looking forward to pulling it out next year and remembering... and I'm very much looking forward to buying a new one... 😉 stay tuned! See ya next Christmas! 

Are You an altar of Sin or Sacrifice?

"Because Ephraim has made many altars for sin, They have become for him altars for sinning."

Hosea 8:11 

"My people ask counsel from their wooden idols, And their staff informs them. For the spirit of harlotry has caused them to stray, And they have played the harlot against their God."

Hosea 4:12

       You can read the story in these passages but really, it's all the same compared to most stories in the Old Testament: People serve the Lord, start mingling with wicked people and eventually turn to idols.

    Old Testament, New Testament, us...it always boils down to our choice... to choose God or turn our back on Him. I've pondered these verses a lot and it's actually really a simple concept: IF we REALLY know God (and there are MANY things to know) and IF we REALLY love Him... why would we EVER choose something else to serve and surrender to? I believe the answer is: we wouldn't. 

     This is a sobering thought sweet friends and one I encourage you to look deep inside and consider. It's not hard to connect the dots, we are "living sacrifices" and the downside of that, we are capable of crawling off of the altar aren't we? Free will is a beautiful gift that God has given us because He actually wants us to choose to love Him back. Wow, if that one thing alone doesn't show us our Creator's heart, then I don't know how we will ever see clearly all the other ways He loves us!

    The downside of our free will, we get to choose whether we love Him or not. I use those words "love Him" because that is really what it is, don't you agree? It's not about whether we "know about Him" but whether we really "Know Him". 

    Isn't it crazy how we like to complicate things when it comes to our relationship with God? We have a million excuses for why being obedient to Him is so difficult don't we? But the Truth, the honest Truth... is that every single day, you and I have only 1 choice to make: obey Him or don't.

 

  Because it's not that we don't have what it takes to obey Him (we can list SO MANY scriptures here... my favorite though is "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13) When we made the decision to accept what Jesus did on the cross for us, that He is God and His Word is Truth... He gave us His GRACE, that grace is what continually transforms us into who He has created us to be. When we accepted Jesus, we accepted everything that means, which all boils down to our surrender to His will which means Obedience.

      Honestly, our excuses... simply mean that our hearts are not willing to recognize God as our King. Oh how I wish I could tell you that God understands our disobedience and that it's okay if we struggle to obey Him and it's okay if we need a while to "work it out"... but the TRUTH is sweet friends, God understands our "human nature" but He has literally given us everything we need to overcome our sinful human nature. The Holy Spirit is with us 24/7, available to help us choose obedience and walk in righteousness every minute of the day. We have control over all 24hrs of our day, it's our choice what we fill that time with yes? We choose whether or not we give God time in our day in order to know Him better, in order to hear His voice, in order to fall in love with our Savior. So it really is that simple. It's 100% our choice.

    No, it is NOT easy, what "sacrifice" is? But when it comes to the altar of our lives, what does God see? A living sacrifice staying on the altar daily, sacrificing all the things that keep us from walking in freedom and living a holy life before our God, OR.. a life that continues to get up on the altar one day, then crawls off of it the next, or whenever the fire gets too hot, too uncomfortable, too "convenient"(think about this one a bit), and it starts chasing after worldly idols and worshipping Satan instead of the One who sacrificed EVERYTHING for us.... and we expect God to just simply "understand"?

     No sweet friends, it's so much deeper than that. It's all about our choice... to really love God over our human nature, to love Him more than we love our sin. I am learning that THIS is what it means to "belong" to Him. When we finally "get" this Truth... Oh the freedom that floods our souls when we are no longer bound by the chains of our sin but instead are set free by the Power of our Mighty, Awesome, Loving Creator. This isn't always the message we hear, the beauty of God's wonderful mercy and His
loving grace has the ability to reach us wherever we are and transform us into His righteousness. The gift of salvation is free to us, there is NOTHING we can ever do, to "earn" our way to Heaven... but sweet friend, WHEN we accept that free gift of Jesus Christ... we must "accept all of Him"... and that means, we learn how to love Him and know Him and be obedient to Him. Believing He simply exists and died for you.... is that really enough to be called a "living sacrifice"? I'm humbled by these scriptures and I hope you are inspired to take a good look at your altar because sin or sacrifice... it's really up to you.