Hidden Bruises

 

       No, not physical ones. But this past week sweet friends, I have been feeling some things that honestly, have been buried inside of my heart for a while now...and they hurt pretty bad. This has been a really tough month but this past week....man, internally, it's been brutal. Ya know the hardest part of wanting to see the Truth? ....is actually seeing the Truth. Do I wish I wouldn't of asked God to reveal it to me? No, I WANT to see the Truth... I just didn't realize that it would shake me up so bad, or honestly cause such a fight within me between what I'm seeing more clearly and what I'm still holding onto which is "hope" that things can and will change. It's a battle for sure, and there are days sweet friends that I am not really sure which side I want to win. Does that even make any sense?

I'm so tired of this fight. It's taking a bigger toll than I expected it to. In a lot of areas. You know what one of the hard parts of all this is, feeling unseen by the one person that should see me. Look, I get it, my husband is going through his own battles for sure... however, when did I stop mattering? That is a heavy feeling, and maybe...it's just a feeling. Maybe it's not the truth. I hope not. But, I'm crumbling and I don't think it's a mystery to my husband, I can't believe he hasn't noticed that I'm not me anymore...

the silence,

the pleading,

the distance,

lack of joy,

I'm exhausted in every way possible... that should be a little noticeable yeah?

Nothing.

This is what happens sweet friends, when we get so focused on our own hurt. We've all probably been here in some way. I'm trying my best not to live here, engulfed in my own feelings. It would be easy to just let it swallow me up. Fighting is hard work isn't it? But it's so important sweet friends. It will consume us if we stop fighting it, it will overshadow every bit of joy and contentment we have if we let it, and it will eventually destroy us completely if we choose to give in and give up. I'm seeing the battle in my husband, most days, he's letting it rule. It's a good wake up call for me to see what it's doing to him and to work that much harder to not let my own hurt take control of me. But it's still painful to watch and it's still painful to deal.

I'm definitely not going to ask God to show me what's happening in the spiritual realm around my life. No thank you, don't want to see it at all, because I have this hunch, it's probably terrifying. Most days here lately, I feel like I'm clawing and pushing my way to the surface. I have been hiding this past year, I'm really starting to realize that. I didn't intentionally set out to keep myself SO hidden from people but I've felt some things release in me here recently and it's kind of exposed that truth that I really did a lot to hide from people. It's been a frustrating realization. I understand why I did it, I've hidden for quite a few years, but this past year... has been more intense in trying not to be seen or heard. If you get what I'm saying because you've been there too, I'm sorry that you know what I mean. 

But the spiritual warfare right now in my life is intense. And right now, I have a husband who is welcoming more of it in and he doesn't even realize it. Oh he should... he knows better. But that happens too when we allow our feelings and hurt to take precedence over what we know is truth. I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable and unprotected right now. And it scares me a bit. My prayer life, is exhausted. I can't think of anything else to say anymore about myself or about this situation I'm in. I have nothing left to say. And to a point, that's okay sweet friends. God doesn't need us to be wordsy, He knows our hearts. He catches our tears, and sometimes it's absolutely okay to not say anything.  But that's not really what I'm talking about. There's a heaviness when I try to focus on me and my marriage. Is it spiritual, yes for sure. Is it me... yeah I think that is also a part of it. It's not a rebellion on my part, it's more of an "I give up".... and not in a "I surrender to you God" but more of a "I have nothing left and I'm on the verge of not caring." And that is dangerous sweet friends, it is. I don't want to be here in this place, I've fought for so long to not end up in this place... and yet, I'm barely hanging on.

(long sigh) Sometimes, those deep hidden bruises... can become all we start feeling ya know? The more the same actions produce the same bruises over and over again.... the hurt starts to get too big. And we want to stop begging them to quit. And they seem clueless because for some reason, they can't even see the marks they're leaving behind. Marks we're supposed to heal on our own while they expect us to comfort them in their pain. It doesn't work like that sweet friends and I'm slowly learning that to continue to allow it in my own life, on this temple.... is disobedience to the God who loves me.

What do I do with that? 

My fear is, I partly know what I am supposed to do with that....but I'm also desperately grappling for anything else to take it's place and be the right answer ya know? There's got to be a balance of being able to be obedient and live well in a marriage that isn't...well and obedient? Yeah, even typing it is stupid. Oh sweet friends, I need clarity, and more importantly, I need to really want the clarity. This is hard. 

My parents, both in their 80's, are celebrating their 65th anniversary. Pretty exciting. My mom doesn't know about it, my dad is surprising her with lunch and a cake tomorrow. It was a surprise to me too when he told me he wanted to join my mom and sister and I on our girls day that we always spend every week with mom, so we could celebrate it together. My parents have been legally "separated" for oh... over 20 years. My mom moved out of the house the same day I did at 18. So.... kind of a bittersweet thing to mull over right now as I'm seeing the faithfulness of God in my family over the years. My parents haven't been together for so long, and yet, they get along and I do believe love each other (I don't quite get the relationship but...) we do family dinners, and birthdays, and holidays all together. Dad even shows up at mom's house and brings the pizza my mom likes and my mom has stopped down at my dad's on occasion and visited. It's weird, but I am so thankful that God has held our family together all these years even though it wasn't how I hoped it would be... God has been faithful. And for that, I am extremely thankful.

That is more the sweet part, the bitter part.... is what I'm grappling with right now in my own marriage. I hate uncertainty. I hate seeing some of the same attitudes and actions creeping into my own marriage, and the frustrating part is... we have opportunity to fix it, right now...before it's too late. But will we?

 I'm not giving up any time soon sweet friends, I'm just tired today. I'm feeling pretty defeated and I just want to lay down. But.... I will continue to stand up and fight until I have absolutely nothing left. But in the meantime, I will have to shift my focus a little in making sure that these deep bruises that keep reminding me how fragile I am in some places, don't get the best of me. It's okay to hurt, these bruises hurt...but they won't control me. And that's where this particular battle has to be won. Until Shawn makes a move or I make a move to remove the opportunity for bruising to continue...I have to deal with the blows as they come and do my best to not let them consume me. It's not right..but until I can grasp what exactly is.. that's the plan. 

Oh sweet friends, I don't even know who you are... I am humbled by the notifications I get on this blog. I fought God really hard last year when I felt Him tell me to blog about my journey, what a stretch this has been. But God knew He needed to work in my heart to be vulnerable again and you have all helped me do that, so thank you for being a safe place to land on a hard day. I pray for you every time I write because I know it's not MY story that brings you back here, but it's that you can relate YOUR story to what I am writing. I hope you feel encouraged on your hard days and I hope it brings comfort to know that YOU are not alone in this life. We can do this sweet friends, one day at a time, learning how to lay all the hard things down at His feet and learning how to walk in righteousness even when life gets messy. Thanks for letting me be a part of your journey in some small way, and thanks for walking along with me in mine. I have no idea who you all are, but I love you, I really do and I'm praying that You have Victory in whatever you are facing. Hang in there! -d 

Voices

 

    Okay so one of my biggest fears in telling people all these years that things were hard, and drawing attention to what was going on at times.... was that everyone would ya know, have an opinion.

and now, here we are. 

The Truth.... I was wrong, we were wrong to not open up about the deep struggles. Satan loves the dark right? And Satan also loves confusion... which is kinda where I'm finding myself here lately. I don't like it sweet friends, but there are so many things, all at once, and I'm finding myself doubting my own judgement a lot. Now, part of that I think is because I'm getting a bit of a wake up call over things that I thought were one way, and am now realizing that I was wrong in my thinking. Which makes sense, but... it's causing me to maybe be overly cautious with what I "think" I know right now, and THAT is causing a lot of frustration and confusion in me.  

And then... we've got people. I love people. But now that people are seeing things for themselves, ya know the VERY little that they are seeing and know about, but of course enough to form opinions (and that's fine) but I'm hearing a lot of things that are somewhat shaking me up a little inside and I'm afraid I might listen to the wrong things. Now, God has brought some very specific people into our lives and thankfully those opinions are I feel a little more trustworthy. Not that I won't always weigh them against the God that I know and His Word... but even in that, I've seen how I've missed the mark myself so... what do I really know ya know? But the fact still remains that there are many voices starting to weigh in here and.... I'm a little lost.  

I am also in a weird place, it's like, I've prayed the same prayers so much over our lives and my husband and I am just so tired now, I don't have any more prayers to pray over this situation. Does that make sense? I just can't seem to pull any more out. Is that spiritual warfare? Is it simply my flesh just being discouraged and tired? Is it that I've done all I can and I just have to sit back and let God do what He's gonna do from all the prayers I've already spent hours praying over the years? Is it just simply an act of Faith? What is this season I'm in? I don't know sweet friends, and I'm sure there are many of you that can relate here. I wish I had the answers, part of me feels guilty, as if I've just given up trying... but I know that's not true, I just have nothing left in this department.... and I'm not sure what that means. 

I should've went to Bible Study this week, I wanted to go. But I didn't. I'm just so tired sweet friends. And I know that a room full of ladies who love Jesus is a great place for me to be. But I'm tired, my mind is full, and my heart is heavy. The frustrations are so big right now. It's taking everything in me to just try and stay focused on what I need to be doing and to try and keep a clear mind while I'm working.

It's not working. The constant daily worry overpowers me and I find myself trying to keep everything afloat. I know I can't do it all. I know I shouldn't be doing it all. I don't think it's my "compassion" either, I think it's all just self preservation, I don't want to suffer the hard things that will come if I don't help figure things out. And I KNOW that it's not fair. I know it's not right. I know it's not all my job. 

but... not trying doesn't make sense to me. Things need to get done. And yet I know I'm also probably in the way of...whatever needs to happen to force change. I don't know. I feel like I'm right in the middle of the battlefield. A battle I'm fighting in, but one I'm also supposed to get out of the way of.  How do I do both those things? How do I not get wounded in the process? How to I fight the battle, from the sidelines?

I am so confused. And honestly, I feel like I'm probably doing everything wrong. Oh sweet friends... life can be hard yeah? And yet, God is still faithful as we flail about, sometimes forgetting to listen to what He's quietly speaking to us as we keep running our mouths in despair. Man, He must get frustrated sometimes. Of course He does, just like He did with the Israelites, who kept running their mouths, not listening, heaping curses on themselves and asking God why everything was happening to them over and over again... and God's like "well...stop being disobedient morons."   (clearly I paraphrased) 

And the most painful thing in all this, is my slow realization that I too, have been disobedient all this time. Not intentionally and that helps a little bit. There is willful disobedience which God is really harsh about in His Word for sure, but He also talks about unintentional disobedience. Both are wrong, just one carries a harsher punishment than the other. But once we KNOW the Truth... we are held accountable with what we do with it right? And that's where I'm finding myself now. And it is HARD to try to figure out these lines of obedience in the MIDST of the chaos. It would be easier to run and only deal with me. But that's not where I'm at sweet friends and now I have to seek the Truth and what is Right, here in the midst of the hard, the unsure, the unpredictable, the hurt.... and try not to get swallowed up in it. 

Everything I know, is being challenged right now, down to it's core. And that's okay, I think it's part of that Refining Fire, but it is pretty painful sweet friends. Challenging what I have believed vs. what is actual truth. Finding God's heart not only for me but for my marriage and my husband. Understanding what is selfish on my part and what is sacrificial. What is acceptable, and what is not. What is my role here in all of this. How do I move forward in my own journey of healing without losing sight of my marriage. These are hard questions and honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing...I've never been here before. 

I know what people think. People who care. People who mean well. People who love the Lord. But at the end of the day....I have to make the right decisions, not based on my feelings, but on Truth. On what God is telling me.

I just wish I could hear His voice a little more clearly. I think my heart might be getting in the way of that. And I need to figure out how to hear His voice past all the chaos within. Pray for me sweet friends, I don't want to move in any direction unless I know it's where I'm supposed to be. And I don't want to stay here either.

If you are facing your own heart today and can't hear your Master's voice... I encourage you, don't ignore that fact. We cannot do this well without Him. Find time to sit at His feet, and don't give up until the noise quiets down. He is faithful. He is speaking. Read His Word, and learn how to listen sweet friends. It might not be today, It might not be tomorrow. But be diligent, it will come as we learn. how. to. listen.

love ya -d  

"Hush, Fear".... I'm not listening anymore.

 

      I sat at the park today, all day...just taking some time to work through some things in my heart and mind. I am so thankful for a peaceful place I can retreat to close to home, when home isn't the peaceful place ya know? I love this park, I spent a lot of my teen years hanging out in this park, so it kind of feels like home too ya know? Oh sweet friends, my heart is heavy with so many realizations these past couple of weeks. It's okay, I'm okay. It's just a lot to try to pull apart and grasp. 

I know what I need to do, and I will do it. But not today. I'm not ready for what's coming. I could barely fight the small battles today. I learned something about myself today as I've been reflecting on the past few years, this past year, and planning ahead..... I had no idea how much "fear" had creeped into a lot of crevices of my life. I felt it today, several times as I focused on what in the world I've been doing all this time. I'm pretty mad about it. How did it get there? How did I not recognize it for what it was? How did I become so fearful? It's stupid and I hate it. But, I can't deny it's there. My body won't let me ignore it either... and I think that's the part that is waking me up to my reality. I have to change this, I have to deal with and get rid of the fear. All of it. 

Some things are a bit jumbled, I'm sure many of you understand what I'm talking about. Everything can get a little blurry but once we start pulling things apart and taking a better look, sometimes we can see it. Of course, the Holy Spirit is pretty good about shining a light on things. At first I was begging God for clarity, now.... I've figuratively got my bags packed! I just wanna run... but that's my flesh. My spirit knows better, and wants better. So I'll stay and fight. 

You know what I'm most discouraged and infuriated with? I let the Enemy come into my life and take things from me, some he even got me to hand over freely because I was so worn down, I didn't notice him working to destroy and frankly neutralize me. I was so focused on my husband being attacked by him I didn't realize how much of a target I was too. How did I not notice? How did I not just KNOW this? Where was my brain? And you know what the Enemy replaced those precious things I handed over with? Fear. Yeah, because every time I handed over a piece of who I was, a passion that brought me joy and honor to God through it's use, a piece that defined me as a person... it was replaced with a fear of unworthiness, because my identity was disappearing piece by piece over the years. Now my identity is in Christ, that's not what I'm talking about, I'm talking about all the things that made me, me. I let so many things die off over the years, and I just chalked it up to .... that's life, people change, it's just for a time, I'll find new things to do...of course, I never really did find "new" things. I just slowly disappeared. To say that I'm livid over this is an understatement. I'm trying to keep this anger at an acceptable place. Keep it as a righteous anger focused on the enemy and not turn it on myself for being careless with all the things God has given me. I know God's heart for me sweet friends, and because of that, I believe I can stay on the right side of this anger, and I can see His compassion over me all these years as He watched me struggle with the truth. His heart probably broke more than mine did, right? He loves us and He still chooses us when we can't see things clearly. And for that I am thankful.

    When I handed over my voice, my choices, my desires, my plans in exchange for "peace" oh not real peace, just calmer storms. I stopped making my own decisions.... man, if you know me at all, the old me, you'd be scratching your head right now. Yes, the incredibly independent, strong, capable woman... stopped having a voice, because I chose to. And looking back, it breaks my own heart. It was unnecessary, I just fooled myself, or was fooled into believing it was the "best thing". That's embarrassing to admit. I can't even believe it myself really but there it is, in my face, staring at me bold and confident. I lost my joy at times... because of this. I have joy now, it's never left completely, but at times I couldn't find it... now I understand why.  

Right now I feel the pressure from others to get this boldness back. It's good pressure, it's right. But the emotions tied to this realization are a bit loud inside. This woman I used to be, is still here... she's just a little lost. I'll find her sweet friends. God has been calling this part of me to the surface for a while now, but He's revealing the parts that need healed and let go of in this process of restoration. And now that I'm seeing the bigger picture of my life, I'm kind of glad God didn't do what I asked early on this year and "hurry up" with this process so I can move on. I'm thankful He slowed me down a bit. It's too much all at once. And now I'm seeing the layers over time that got me to this place. The Enemy works slow and subtly doesn't he? Probably so we don't catch on to what he's actually doing.... destroying us bit by bit. 

My husband keeps talking about our future. Plans we've had, some goals we had been working towards, hope of a promising life. I can't see it anymore. I can only see tomorrow and that's the harsh truth. He doesn't know that's where I'm at right now. I don't think it would be that beneficial to tell him either. His talks about the future seem to be the only glimmer he has right now, so I'll let him hold on to it, and I'm just gonna hold onto God's hand because I have no idea what my future holds. But God does and for now, I'm just going to have to trust Him with all of it. It's all I can do. And see, even in that, "fear of the future"... it's way too much fear creeping into my life. 

The point of all this, I recognize it sweet friends. I can see it. I'm angry about it. I don't plan on keeping it either. I will get it out of my life. Every action I take that hesitates with fear... I will crush it and move forward anyway. Because that's how we do it. We push back. We walk through it. We keep going. And I know that as I begin to do that in all these small areas, freedom will rise up, and God will resurrect all the dead places in my heart. Because THAT is Who He Is. And there is not ONE THING Satan can do about it. I'm taking all the things back. 

You know what else I'm noticing here lately? The fear that shows up, whenever I go to connect with someone for myself. Right? Like I am all about connection, that's never went away. I'm really good at connecting with people and frankly helping other people connect with each other. I love people, it's easy for me to reach out to them and encourage or let them know they are thought about and loved right? Easy. But my "isolation" time, wasn't about not "connecting" and having people in our lives. We've always had people in our lives. But it was the "holding people at a distance from knowing us too deeply." Make sense? So now.... getting BACK to that kind of vulnerability... is hard. And frustrating right? Because it shouldn't be. But fear.... fear of what exactly? Rejection? I don't know sweet friends, I've never really cared what people think (I know, kind of sounds not like me but it's true.) My value hasn't come from other people, and I don't believe that has changed. However, my focus became so centered on my husband that my identity... started resting on being a "good helpmate" and that got distorted over the years... clearly. But pleasing people or needing to be "needed" by others... hmmm. I don't really like needy people lol so I'm not sure "rejection" is the problem. Now feeling "unworthy" kind of points to "fear of rejection" right? so hmmm, I'll have to think about that for a bit. But I'm a little puzzled over the "fear" that rises when I decide to "reach out" for me. It doesn't really make sense. I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with this. We should probably figure it out though. Because I think one of Satan's biggest tools in keeping me "neutralized" and "ineffective" ... has to do with keeping me from being vulnerable with other people. (long sigh....) I'm working on it sweet friends, I'm working on it. 

You work on it too. I'm learning with the Holy Spirit kinda starting to pound it in me every time I turn around here lately.... we need people. That's how it's supposed to work. That's how He designed His Body to function. People CAN love us just as much as we love them.... plus, Satan doesn't want us to have people.... and that ticks me off. So.... I'm gonna find some. Let's do it. Make him mad. 

Love ya -d 

 

The Enemy...

    Sweet friends.... today was almost unbearable. You've been there right? I think today was one of the heaviest attacks of the enemy I've had on my emotions. I recognized it early on today, but this spiritual battle seemed different than what I have faced before. I don't even know if I can really explain it accurately... but here's the thing. You know that Scripture... "whatever you bind on earth is bound in heaven"? Right you know the one, and it's one of those verses we're all like "oh yeah, yeah, that's good"... like we all really understand it but then we're also like...."what?". Yeah that one. But God has been teaching me a little bit about that verse. I still don't completely get it but there is something about spiritual warfare and that verse and TALKING about things like this... that is binding and loosing things in the spiritual realm. Understand? No? it's okay, I don't completely either... but there IS something to it and God is using my vulnerability in writing here... in my spiritual warfare. Crazy. 

Today... I have felt the crushing pressure in my spirit. The enemy was relentless and for most of the day, I had a really hard time getting a grip on my emotions and a lot of frustration and anger kept warring inside of me. Now, I had a busy work day so I didn't really have the "time" to sit and process ya know, which didn't help but that's life sometimes right? But when I finally did have a moment to stop and "feel" what was going on... it took me down sweet friends. And fast. It was a fight of truth vs. lies and man it was heavy. I was already in the middle of this battle before my husband decided to get involved.... and not in a good way at all. Honestly... the Enemy threw everything he could at me tonight. The jerk. Luckily my husband backed down eventually and just left me alone to fight on my own which is what I needed. And then all of a sudden... done. The pressure lifted, the flood of emotions subsided, and I knew without a doubt... it was warfare. Like I wasn't already tired...lol. I am so done with this day sweet friends. 

I hope something good was accomplished tonight in this battle. I hope God was pleased at the end of it. I stumbled a little, let the despair in a little too much at one point I'll admit that, I was just so tired of all of it. But I think the thing that really pushed me to fight back was the feelings of wanting to be angry with God... look, I'm not going to be angry with God, over any of the things I'm struggling with. I've already determined that in my heart and I really sensed that this was the goal tonight... to get me turned around in that department. Sometimes demons, are just bold ya know? I refuse to go there..simply because I know the Truth in this, God is never wrong. Period. I can be mad at my situation, my faults, shawn's faults, the unfairness of life... but to choose to be mad at God... waste of my time and focus. He loves me. He has a plan that is GOOD. He is upset with the sin, deception, hurt, chaos in our lives right now. No way I'm gonna turn my anger towards Him. I'm going to run to Him with my anger at all these things and let Him help me let go of it all and heal me. And I hope the Enemy heard that message loud and clear tonight.

My body is shaky right now sweet friends. Which, is normal sometimes for spiritual warfare. It's a real thing and many of you totally understand that, you've been there too. That's why we remember in times like this, to continue to "fix our eyes on Jesus" because we have no stinkin' idea what is really going on around us and we have a very real enemy that is definitely out to destroy us. 

I still have all of these emotions to work through. (Tomorrow lol) But the crushing weight is gone and for that, I am very thankful. 

Sweet friends, guard yourselves, recognize the enemy, hold onto Truth, and be ready.... to fight. I am praying for you to stay strong in your battle. You are not alone. Neither am I. Satan can take that note and put it in his back pocket, in case he forgets that about me. Jerk. 

love you guys, it's 2 in the morning, I'm going to bed, goodnight  - d 

Finding Truth in the Broken Places...

       Man.... anyone else ever regret asking God to show you the truth? Yeah, me too. I've been begging God for clarity, I've been determined to find the truth, I've been so angry at my own confusion here lately... and now I just want to run. Not gonna lie. The truth is heavier than I thought it would be. It's more painful than I thought it would be too. Honestly, I'm not happy with the truth sweet friends. In fact, I feel even more broken by it. The Truth is what sets us free.... this Truth WILL set me free. But sometimes we forget about the part where we have to choose to acknowledge it, embrace it, and reconcile with God over it. I am sitting here in the middle of the mess, Shawn's mess, My mess... my heart is heavy now with truth. 

Oh there's still plenty of things I don't have a clue about. Lots of things I still need to figure out moving forward. but today... I'm sitting here with what I do know. And I can't move, does that make sense?  And I'm angry with myself, oh not in a pity party type of way but in a "how was I so blind, deceived, stupid?" kind of way. Looking back, I KNEW better...didn't I? How did I let myself get so distracted and become so detached from the truth? I let myself disappear.... and I allowed all these pieces of me to be broken. 

The enemy was present no doubt, but somewhere along the line...I let my guard down. I took my eyes off of the truth and allowed him to step in and gain a really powerful foothold. The kind that stopped me from being me.... wow. That was a powerful move on his part, and I didn't even notice till this past year really. And as much as I want to say "and where was God?".... I already know the answer... He was right there, watching me walk into the trap that would start stripping me of precious things. He was there the whole time, through my blindness. I can say without a doubt that He never left me. I'm guessing His heart hurt watching me, not "get it". The part that is really hard right now, is trying to understand why God hid the truth from me when I asked Him about some of these things...see my spirit was right, I began to see things in the mix over the last few years but I never got an "answer" from God when I specifically asked Him if I was right.

Here's the thing... I know even now, one ABSOLUTE Truth... God is NEVER Wrong. So for me to allow myself to become angry with Him because I don't understand this part... it would be a waste of my time. He's not wrong, ever. And if that's the truth, then that can only mean one thing... I am.

So what if.... God doesn't just answer us when we ask the right questions, because it's about how well we actually know Him and the Truth? What if, I already had the answer the minute I asked the right question, I just was looking for Him to answer me the way I wanted Him too, and when He didn't, I allowed my own insecurities to take the lead over my faith in what I knew was already Truth? What if.. I messed up by not just walking in the Truth? These are hard questions, and maybe I'm still wrong in how I'm seeing this. All I know is that it is not God's heart to keep the Truth hidden from us, but it Is His heart that we seek Him, Know Him, and listen. Maybe I should've been listening in more ways than one. I have a lot to learn sweet friends. I'm gonna be talking with God about this part for a while... I want to understand.

As for the rest of the truths I'm facing... I'm not even sure where to start. Cleaning up our messes is never easy is it? Some things I know I can just change and move forward. But some of these places, are going to require more before I can move forward I'm afraid. And... I am afraid. Fear, here it comes again, I see it, I'm aware, it's there and ready to pounce. "Do not be afraid"... I hear the Spirit whispering in my heart... I know what the right thing is... I know I can do all things, even this. My confidence in myself has been shaken to the core, I hate that. But it's part of the realization that I've been wrong, when I didn't think I was wrong ya know? And that makes me question myself way more now. Am I doing the right thing? Am I seeing the actual truth? Am I being distracted? There's a balance here... and I have to find it. Because I can go the wrong direction very quickly if I'm not careful, but being too careful can keep me from moving forward in truth and healing. 

Why is this so hard? 

I've seen some things this past week, things that HAVE to change. And sitting in the middle of a relationship that has to change on both ends to get in right standing with God...and I can only be responsible for my part in the changing. But my changing will force decision on his part for sure. Is he ready? I don't know. Am I ready? I don't know. Sweet friends, I am the weakest I have ever been... and I feel like I am getting ready to step into the hardest fight I have ever been in. What am I doing? 

But what other options are there? None that are good. And I'm tired of watching the Enemy win in our lives. Even more so now, that I've seen more of the truth. It's definitely fueling my fire, I just hope the rest of me can keep up with my spirit. 

Deception is a powerful thing sweet friends and it can happen even to the strongest of us. "Guard your hearts above all else" and "Fix your eyes on Jesus"... sweet friends, DO NOT take your eyes off of Jesus for ONE SECOND. Trust me, it's all it takes to get distracted and give the Enemy the chance he's been looking for. It's serious. He's LOOKING for ways to destroy us... we're usually the ones that open the door.

Satan isn't going to win this battle. But, he's done a lot of damage here. He's also continuing to work. Please pray for Shawn. Pray for me. Pray for everyone God is bringing into our inner circle to help us fight. We are nothing special, but the Enemy has done well at keeping us from all the things God has for us... I can see that now.... and now it's time that we fight for our purpose. No more darkness. I'm done playing his stupid games.

Lift your eyes up sweet friends, see the truth in your own battles, and don't quit, we've got this....I'm praying for all of you. -d

He will fight my battles....

 

        Oh sweet friends, this has been a whirlwind of a week. I think I have felt literally every emotion there is this week. I am exhausted. I'm not even sure how to put everything into coherent words right now, I am still very much processing so many things in my head and heart. But, I'm gonna process and blog at the same time, let's see how it goes. 

Last weekend, tragedy struck close to home. The tragic loss of the Koch family (if you don't know what I'm talking about... just google it, it's national news) I am broken over all of it, every single bit. Just within hours after I had seen them, talked to them, laughed with them, they were all dead... and that's hard to process all on it's own. But their story, held more significance in my life than I care to admit. Oh it's different for sure, in fact, I believe hands down, theirs was harder to deal with than anything I've had to endure. But the truth still remains that, the similarities are very present...and those things came crashing in all at once. Ya know the hard thing about it, earlier in the week I found myself so angry at Bailey's last post she had put out. The anger at her situation, the unfairness of it all, the darkness of the daily struggle...just all of the reality of things made me so angry at mental illness honestly. It's a thief for sure. Not only for the individual that has to live with the constant fight of it all, but also the loved ones that go into battle everyday FOR their loved one and a lot of days WITH their loved one. That's the part most people don't know about. It's painful. and hard. 

    I was grappling with the anger, knowing I needed to work through my emotions wrapped up in that post...and then this happened. And for a minute, no...lots of minutes...days actually...still truthfully...

The word HOPE.... lost it's meaning for me. Everything Bailey and Jeremy talked about was their hope in God to see them through their journey, to make sense of all the chaos and confusion they had to live through everyday... but there was always hope that things would get better.

I talk about HOPE all the time. I believe in Hope. It's the only thing holding me together on the really really dark days, that it will pass and better days are ahead.

HOPE that God will intervene and save me...

And then this happened. And sweet friends.... my world shook. Because where is HOPE? I KNEW the TRUTH that HOPE IS REAL and HOPE IS HERE. GOD IS HOPE. but, my heart was crushed, in so many ways. All my fears started rushing to the surface, and unfortunately, I wasn't alone to try to process them and it caused some problems. (but I think God knew, and He was already ahead of me in those moments ya know?) I think as I was quickly being thrown into a whirlwind of fear and despair, and honestly losing my hope... He was working all things on my behalf. And I didn't even realize it. 

It's a scary thing to lose hope isn't sweet friends? I know many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. It doesn't matter the situation.. it's scary to lose hope for a better tomorrow. Fear is a powerful thing and it can crush us in seconds. Fear is a bondage in our lives, because it cripples us in the process of moving forward in freedom and victory. And HOPE and FREEDOM go hand in hand. FEAR is the ENEMY of FREEDOM isn't it? I was here.

For the next few days, I was slipping and I hate to admit that to you. But everything in me was fighting to survive, does that make sense? I was angry that I couldn't get a grip on my hope, it felt like it just kept slipping out of my fingers, the fear and anger just kept warring inside of me and I couldn't let it out because, I wasn't in a safe place to process openly ya know? I was losing fast. 

But then....something really hard and completely unexpected happened. Here's where it's gonna get pretty real. (I'm gonna leave out some, a lot of details..)

Shawn's Dr. called me. She was forcing him to get help. Someone sat down and shared some things with her and ....God stepped in to fight my battle for me. Because I was slipping. and THAT is HOPE. 

I came home after leaving Shawn at the Hospital and .... the weight of the week, all of it, came crashing down on me. It was a rough night with all the emotions. I was relieved... I'm also so tired. I'm battle weary. I'm even a little bit lost in all the chaos. But.... I know that God is moving in the midst and I can trust that. Honestly, this weekend, I began to doubt hope again, I felt the walls coming in closer as we had to deal with some things and sweet friends, I crumbled under the pressure, I began to feel hopeless again at the chaos of what was happening. Frustration and Confusion and Doubt were pounding on me. I had nothing left to give, my strength was gone yesterday and I just kind of gave up, and I hate to admit that too. That's not who I want to be. I know better, but sometimes sweet friends... we find ourselves here, in the midst of the battle and nothing looks good. Fear...continues to bull rush us in these moments. But that's when we lift our trembling hands, we let the tears roll, and we don't even have to say anything. Because He knows. He sees. He's already there. And we have to let go. .....God showed up again, honestly, in the nick of time and proved once again... that He is in control of all of this.

These past few days have been so so hard sweet friends. Not only has there been a whirlwind of emotions, but there's also been a wrecking ball of truth... that I'm seeing about the situation, about Shawn, most painfully...about me. I am not gonna lie... I am angry. Not really a bad anger, oh it could go that direction if I'm not careful to handle it properly, but a righteous anger at really... what I have become over the last decade of my life. I've been pondering some timelines and I'm starting to see how I got distracted and the Enemy moved right in, and I never caught it. I am wrong in lots of areas, and it's not about beating myself up, it's about recognizing the truth, reconciling those moments of my failure to God, and learning how to change.

This is probably the hardest part I'm dealing with right now sweet friends, on the internal to do list...(I've got a few to do lists right now)

But I have to reconcile the part in all this, that God ALLOWS us to mess up and to walk in disobedience even, because God didn't ask me to become who I did. He didn't ask me to make the poor choices that I did in those moments. He had nothing to do with the direction I chose to go during those trying times... He LET me make the wrong choices, which led me down a path of massive hurt and consequences. And I HAVE to reconcile this part with God. I HAVE to be okay that He let me have free will. And that's hard.

BUT.... even in all of that, He still chose to walk with me. And to comfort me, in the middle of my mess. And to protect me when I should've been getting help from others. You guys.... God is good. He is merciful to our shortcomings and to our stupidity honestly. I am sitting here, angry and humble at the same time because I just realized after 4 days of grappling with all this... that God never left my side even though.... somewhere in the mix, I took my eyes off of Him and started doing things my own way, He stayed with me and continued to work in me through MY MESS...until today, when I finally realized... I made a mistake. God IS faithful sweet friends. 

And we get angry with Him, but we fail to see the whole truth sometimes. I think maybe, I have few more of these moments coming... I'm not looking forward to them. I feel stupid that I allowed some things to take shape in my life, and who I am... and I have a feeling, I'm not done seeing more of the same. But I am thankful that God is with me now, He is going before me no doubt. He is placing people, HIS people into my life, strategically... I can see it. And I am overwhelmed by His kindness to me. 

I was talking with a sweet friend the other day, trying to make sense of some things, and she started talking about fear... and I began smiling because God knew I needed to hear exactly what she was saying. It brought clarity but also confirmation in what He had already been speaking to my heart in all this mess. And that is God. 

He will fight for us sweet friends. I am so very scared for the days ahead. I knew it was coming, I sensed it in my spirit a few weeks ago... I didn't think it was coming so soon. I do not feel ready. I am so weak and tired and spent. I am fearful that I will fail.

But that is my flesh. I cannot deny God's presence in all of this and I know that I can do ALL things through Him. I have no strength left right now, but He does. And I know that I am learning to "stand still" and let Him work. I have to trust Him. I have to, because I really have no other choice. And this time.... I am NOT going to let the Enemy, sneak in while I'm distracted by chaos, and trick me into doing my own thing. I'm done with that mess.   

Pray for me. Pray for Shawn. Pray for everyone God is going to use to bring VICTORY out of this mess.

Love you sweet friends -d

In the Shadow...

 

     So, I've been contemplating a lot of things here this past week, some things I have felt clarity on, some things I can see how God worked in me through them but still don't make much sense as to why those things were necessary, and some things... are leaving me questioning why God didn't reveal the truth to me when I asked for it. Anybody else find yourself with questions like these? 

I'm gonna share with you what I have understood these last few days...

1.  I believe that God shielded me from the Truth in a couple things because.... I would've pushed too hard and I would've walked away. And that wasn't His plan. This particular truth has been something that I have had to reconcile with God and submit to. This was a hard one to understand and I still don't completely but, peace is taking hold here. Marriage is complicated. WAY more than I realized and this process has really revealed God's heart, not only for marriage, but also His heart for our relationship with Him and how marriage is a physical picture of that relationship. It's actually pretty amazing and humbling. See, if I would've known for sure (I began questioning a few years in the chaos but never got an answer from God) that Shawn was in fact not bipolar and he did have more control over his behavior than I realized, I wouldn't of put up with some of it at all. Period. And if I would've understood that his heart was rebellious towards God... I would've walked out and said "figure it out and let me know when you do". And that is the truth of how I probably would've handled it if I would've known exactly what was going on. But God.... knew the whole story, He held the plan and purpose for our lives, He held our marriage and He decided what this journey was going to look like. I've had moments of anger wrapped up in all this realization. I was angry when I realized that I was right in what I sensed in my spirit but angry that God didn't tell me I was right when I asked, I felt a little betrayed truthfully... but the realization that God stepped in and held our marriage together and honestly, did help us build a strong foundation even in the midst of this chaos... and only God could do something like that. Trust me, at one point, I ASKED God to let Shawn mess up so I could be free. I did sweet friends, I was there in that place... so tired and hurt and confused... ready to give up and I knew I wasn't going to do anything to break our marriage...so I needed it to be him. And you know what, he had a moment... a wide open opportunity to do just that.... and this is vulnerable on both of our parts, but this is something we have shared in marriage counseling with others and we've shared it at a couple marriage retreats so it's not "new"... but he thought about cheating on me.... and GOD INTERVEINED IN A HUGE WAY... after I had prayed that prayer, asking God to let him mess it up, and God said NO. That moment, has been foundational for me all this time, to keep going. Confirmation that I am in fact married to the right man that God has for me and I need to trust that God will complete the work He started and promised me in my husband. (the promise God made to me as I was face down on our bathroom floor, silent screams, weeping, feeling like I was just swallowed up in darkness and despair... honestly, I don't think I will ever forget that day...but God met me there, and I will never forget that moment as long as I live)

      2. I believe God pulled us away from people (now, not completely...I believe we had our own hand in that as well and that was not God's plan, so there is a line here)  but I think that on Shawn's journey... God allowed him to have time... I am not thrilled by this, I have anger wrapped up in this that I am currently working through. But that doesn't change the fact that I do believe that these past 10 years, were in form... Shawn's "wilderness". And God let him wander there the past 10 years. 

and me too.

This has been a hard journey. This is also where, God is God and we are not sweet friends. I'll be honest, I wonder on the day we walked out of the church buildings, away from active ministry, not because that's what we wanted to do, not because we were hurt, but because we loved the Lord and we couldn't link arms with other leadership anywhere, that chose to do things that broke God's heart. Clearly we weren't perfect right? but that's not the point, the point was, we KNEW it was God releasing us from "church", for how long, we had no idea. But it was painful sweet friends. And looking back... God knew the journey we were about to go on didn't He? He knew there was a wilderness coming and a work in that wilderness that only He could do... and I believe He needed to capture Shawn's heart....and refine mine. I had no idea what we were about to go through... I might've ran if I would've known ya know?

I remember being in the car by myself driving down B street in North Platte... and I knew God was releasing us from "trying" to find a church, and He was telling us to walk away. I remember the moment I realized that our gifts and talents only Glorify Him when they are being used for His Glory. And when you are in a Church that will not honor God because they embrace the very things that break His heart... then what we do in a place like that, isn't glorifying Him anyway. (it doesn't mean that we as individuals can't glorify God no matter where we are...but as leaders, where you link arms, matters) I remember the moment I realized that I would bring more glory to God in surrendering all the things that made me "awesome", "needed", "important" by laying those down in honoring the One who gave me all those gifts and talents than to continue to use them in places that broke His heart. 

It hit me a little bit today...

I wonder if God cried, when I chose to be obedient and lay all my gifts and talents down at His feet in surrender to His plan...

I wonder if He cried, when everything that I knew how to use for His glory, (and I did bring Him honor in all the things I did in ministry, because I did it with a heart full of love for my God) and everything that DEFINED me, the person that He created and called me to be, I laid down at His feet in surrender to His plan...

I wonder if He cried, because He knew the journey that I was about to go on...was going to strip and tear precious things from me, and precious things between Him and I were going to be tested.

I honestly wonder if He cried over me. You know what I think I'm realizing sweet friends.... I think He did. He knew how much my heart was going to break in the days to come... and He tells us that He weeps over us... and I believe today... that He did.

He sustained me sweet friends. I grew closer to God in the last 10 years than ever before. And for that, I am thankful for that awful wilderness. God is a just God, and He sees the wrong that is done to us, the wrong we have to put up with, live through, endure.... but He is Faithful to us even in the midst of the unfair. Do you believe that? Man, that's a hard place to get to isn't sweet friends? I'm just now reconciling these parts... so yeah. it's a hard place to get to. 

Why did I have to go through this dark place with Shawn? Why did I have to suffer because Shawn wasn't ready to fully trust God? Why did I have to live through the consequences of Shawn's rebellion?

I have no idea... and I do not believe that it was all Shawn's rebellion, that was just a really hard part of it and I do believe it prolonged the process, as our hearts and disobedience can do (biblical). I believe there were several factors involved. Shawn IS a good man, a godly man, and these posts are hard because I feel like I am only speaking about the hard things, the ugly things... but those aren't the whole picture and trust me..... the good FAR outweighs the bad. He could tell you all my ugly too, so please don't get the wrong idea about my husband... I love him very much. Life has just been hard because we've had to go through some really tough things and unfortunately, we are reaping some of that which we didn't handle well, now. I'm just sharing my part of the journey, that's all. 

As I've been talking with God about ... all this stuff, He's been bringing things to my memory. Some things were the huge moments, I mean huge where I saw Him intervene on my behalf during some really difficult times and I knew He was very present, very aware of everything happening, and He stepped in on many occasions and I began to really know Him as my Protector, not just of my physical body, but as a Protector of my heart, spirit... He watched over me...placed me safely in the shadow of His wings (Ps 91:4)

At times, when some things happened that were completely out of my control, and I was left either panicking or just super done with arms lifted up in a "whatever" stance at life... God showed up as Jireh, and I began to really know Him as our Provider. I learned that no matter what happened, He would always supply my needs if I just trusted Him and let go of "trying TOO hard" know what I mean? Sometimes, those moments when I just had absolutely no answer and I would just say "God, I know we don't deserve Your help for our mess we created, but I don't know what to do"... and God would show up, right on time, the need would be met, I could breathe again.... safely in the shadow.

There were some really dark days sweet friends... really dark days. Sometimes in the middle of complete chaos and honestly, a lot of hurt... I felt so alone. so afraid. and unloved. This one's painful to admit. Cutting people out of your life in order to "protect" someone, or protect "those people's hearts from being hurt".... was one of the most painful choices I ever made... also, I'm not saying it was the right choice either. I'm still a little confused about this one too. Because I know we were supposed to walk away from the church buildings, not necessarily from the people, but that's where things got a little...foggy. No one chased us either so there's that too. But, I don't really know what it should've looked like for me, for us. We lost our church family... all of them, from everywhere. What does that really mean from everyone, us and them? Who was I supposed to talk to? Who was supposed to reach out to us? Were we really suppose to isolate ourselves completely to go through all this or not? Honestly, cutting myself off completely "felt" right at the time... but was it the right thing at the time? I don't completely know and I think maybe God will help me sort this part out eventually. But it was lonely. Sometimes, the weight of it felt unbearable... but God showed up, a lot of times simply through the TRUTH of His Word hidden in my heart, repeating out of my mouth declaring the promises over my life, the fruit of the Spirit in my life, speaking against the Enemy which I could sense a lot of the time, lurking around, waiting to pounce... but I nestled into safety and began to know God as my Comforter & Friend... in the shadow. 

There were times of... fear mixed in over the years. This wasn't present too often but certain occasions or unpredictable circumstances would produce moments of fear. You know what I learned maybe even the most deeply about God in the past several years? He is FIERCE when it comes to protecting His Children. I think maybe one of my biggest pieces of hope that I had in the middle of the darkest times over the years, was knowing that God WOULD step in if I could not handle any more and that NOTHING was going to happen to me unless He allowed it to. He was in control of every situation I found myself in. I could tell you very specific stories sweet friends of how God intervened and protected me, shielded me, delivered me just in time. In the darkest and scariest of times the last few years, I came to know God as my Refuge....in the shadow. 

Know what's interesting sweet friends? I started this post last week, and in the midst of writing this and working through some things in my heart, some big things blew up and I found myself right back in the middle of these moments, except they were current moments. But, this post has been resonating in the back of my mind the last several days as I've tried to find my footing and navigate some hard moments. And that's how God works isn't it? These things that have been on my heart and the CLARITY that God has been giving me, is actually helping me through the last few days. I am so exhausted, please pray for me. This has been hard walking through healing while technically still dealing with things that have attributed to the brokenness, know what I mean? But, even though it is not ideal and I'm not sure how possible it is to heal from brokenness while dealing with more...brokenness? Seems impossible, but I don't know all the details of this journey and I know I can trust the hand I'm holding so I'm sure all things will work out as they should in this journey of faith and healing and restoration. Glad I'm not in complete control, it wouldn't turn out so great. God is the God of the impossible, so I'm gonna keep moving forward, working through these things one step at a time, because I do know that I am SAFE and exactly where I need to be... gently tucked in, under His shadow. 

and you can be too...remember that.

Love you sweet friends, -d 

by the Roots...

 

       Well.... I watched the webinar, and yeah... it was a tad brutal. Within the first 10 minutes, I was weeping (not crying, weeping). It was hard but I know I needed it sweet friends. I won't tell you what it was, not really ready for that just yet, but I've been taking the last few days to just, process and come to grips with some hard truths. Ya know, I sat down to watch it, knowing that it might be difficult, but I was hoping that maybe it would clarify some things that I've been struggling with in my mind lately and truthfully... I was hoping that it would point more towards me just being too emotional about some things and seeing them as worse than they actually are and how I could change my thought processes. But, that was not what happened, instead, it completely validated exactly what I've been thinking. 

And I think that's been harder. I didn't want validation; I wanted to be wrong. Does that make sense? It probably does for some of you. Now I'm facing some really hard decisions that will require some really hard actions. Am I ready? I don't know. I'm exhausted, and that makes it hard to step forward ya know? I know that I'm getting ready to enter into a "fight" (not really with words, though..I'm sure those will be present) but the "fight" of forcing change. And we know the truth sweet friends, we can't change or force change on other people... we can force decision, and that's it. And that's inevitably where this is heading and I know that it has to go there. I just feel the need to be ready for it and I feel like, I have some work to do in changing me, so that I can handle the fight that's coming to change the situation.

I'm scared. No doubt. Because I have no control of how things will turn out once that first step is taken. And the first step will be followed by all the rest necessary because that's who I am. Once I start something, I will walk it out to completion. I don't quit. 

I say that, then I stop and look at all the things that have happened over the last several years and it kinda looks like I quit... but, I don't think that's what I did... I think what I did was, I changed my focus. I pushed everything aside, and I focused in on one thing....my husband. 

It's hard watching my husband struggle with so much pain, and it's hard watching how it has become so deep within. It's also a reminder to "learn how to let things go" and not let resentment and bitterness grow. I don't ever want to be where he is at. It is robbing him of so much joy and contentment and frankly, of his life. It's sad to watch. The Enemy is crafty, and he definitely doesn't ever take a day off jumping into the game of beating on my husband. Oh, plenty of what's going on has nothing to do with Satan, we are all really good at creating our own messes that's for sure... but he's definitely present and out to destroy my husband no doubt. And me. I can just see things a little more clearly than my husband can at the moment. Some spiritual battles can only be fought on our own. We can pray for each other always, and God honors that and sometimes moves accordingly, so never stop praying for your loved ones sweet friends, or asking for prayer. (I'm bad at this) but sometimes, the spiritual warrior is made in the battle, and how we go about it, determines how we stand in the end. He's got to fight some of this on his own and that's hard.

I will say, I never realized how "resilient" I actually am until watching my husband fight this particular battle. The things that are taking him down.... barely affect me anymore. I'm not saying that's 100% a good thing, I haven't figured out if where I'm at with resilience is super healthy or not. I know there is a lot of healthy in the mix of who I am, but some things I'm resilient to may not be. I'm figuring those things out as I seek the truth. We'll see. 

Right now, I'm coming to grips with some painful realizations. My heart hurts today, I'm trying to not be angry with the truth. I'm trying not to be angry with my husband. I'm trying to not be angry with myself. I'm angry about the lies that I've believed and the ones I didn't recognize. I'm not calling my husband a liar, I'm referring to the thoughts that have taken captive in my mind, some caused by words and actions over time... and I believe enhanced by the whispering of the Enemy. And I fell for them. And they started to destroy me. I'm angry that even now, I have to filter through things and try to see them for what they are, and I have to exchange these lies that I've believed for many years, over for the truth. To replace my worth with what I know is the truth and not based on how I have felt. It frustrates me even to say that out loud... because I know better, yet here I am... recognizing my stumbling. 

"Guard your heart above all else" sweet friends... I think one of the biggest tricks of the Enemy is in keeping us in chaos... I mean if he can keep us so focused and busy on crisis after crisis... I think these things like this, slip through unnoticed till they've gotten too deep. Make sense? Especially these things that are tied up in our feelings, I just push those hurts and things aside and focus on "fixing the problem at hand" but the whole time, inside... damage is being done and going unnoticed. Makes me mad....but more aware for the future I guess. Sometimes, it doesn't pay to ignore our own hurts, but we should try our best to deal with the internal stuff as soon as we recognize it. I'm sure there is a balance there, we can't be selfish... but we still need to be responsible with our own hurts, and also prioritize our worth too.

Tough lesson. hard lesson. I'm gonna have to work on this sweet friends, I'm guessing I'm not the only one here. And the work we have to do sweet friends... isn't just recognizing these parts that have grown inside of us and caused harm in every way... but it's the "pulling it out by the roots" and getting rid of every bit of it in our hearts and minds... and that is going to test us, isn't it? Self-worth is a powerful thing... because it is present in everything we do and everything we are... so when it gets tainted by lies... we have to do the work to destroy those lies and learn to stand on the truth completely don't we? Obviously I am not there yet, but I have every intention and determination to get there. Because this nonsense is not what I'm going to continue to allow to rule and reign in my life. So let's crush these lies sweet friends, let's commit to do the work that we need to do to get every last bit of self-doubt, pity, destruction out of our lives and start walking in our truth and purpose... that we matter, we are important, and God loves us even when we make mistakes, and we don't measure up to what we could be. Let's learn to walk boldly in that. Take my hand... grab your shovel, let's grab ahold of the Holy Spirit waiting for us, and let's dig this out.

love ya -d 

"Stand Still"

      It has been a bit of a whirlwind the last couple days sweet friends. Something happened the other day, and honestly it left me feeling so overwhelmed and I started to panic thinking I needed to fix the situation... and I heard God speak to my heart right in the middle of the chaos..."Stand Still"

Everything stopped. I closed my eyes, lifted my hands right there in my kitchen and just stood still. God has been showing me some things truthfully in my husband that I was unaware of and He is showing me how to stop rushing in and just let things be. Make sense? It's hard, I'm a fixer, I am a problem solver. I like to set goals and reach them. And standing still... in the midst of chaos...or while watching my husband struggle with the chaos... is not easy for me to be obedient in this. BUT... I want to be obedient because clearly 

1. God is in control of the situation and the outcome and 

2. He is trying to do something and I need to stay out of the way.

Now, I wish my husband understood that God is telling me to stand still, but all He's seeing is that I'm not really doing anything... so that's tough. But, I have to trust God in this process too I guess and I believe that all things will work out and make sense to both of us in the end. (whenever that is)

These words have continued to resonate in my mind even today as we faced a whole other set of obstacles, and even in a few moments shared between us, the Holy Spirit was there, gently reminding me to just breathe and stand still and let things go, out of my control, it's okay, He's got this. I'm being humbled sweet friends, but gently as God does sometimes. 

I have a tendency to fix things I shouldn't fix and bring more hurt upon myself in the process. It's okay if you don't know what I mean, but I know some of you will understand what I just said.  Sometimes we do more harm to ourselves when we try to save everyone else around us ya know? 

I'm also sensing a shift in my spirit this week, like God is getting ready to do something in me... I'm a little nervous honestly, oh not that I don't trust Him.. I do. But I get this sense that I'm about to realize and face a few things that are gonna challenge me in the "letting go" department. I signed up for a webinar the other day..why did I do that? I just strongly felt that I needed to. (It was God I know it was)  The webinar was today... honestly I had the time and they sent me a reminder... I saw it. But... sweet friends, I couldn't do it. Why? It's just sitting in front a computer screen, with a printed out workbook, and listening. I didn't even have to participate in the open forum, I could've just been there and listened right? But... I couldn't do it. I honestly don't know what held me back today, maybe just all the chaos of the last couple days made me not want to tackle anything else? But I'm not sure that was it. It's almost like a underlying fear of what I'm gonna realize, and I don't want to. Make sense? I'm disappointed in myself for backing away... and is it "running away"? I don't know but I'm going to make myself find the link to watch the recorded version....maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow... but I'm going to do it, I made the mistake of printing the workbook out and flipping it open to a random page today just to "see" what it was going to be like..the tears started flowing at what I read... I know this could get a little rough. Pray for me sweet friends, this journey of healing (which I want to be on) is getting a little painful this week. It's okay, I'll be okay because I know God has got my hand in His and I can face what I need to face about myself. But a little extra prayers are definitely appreciated.

Maybe this "stand still" that I keep hearing in my spirit isn't just about not rushing to get involved and save the day all the time, maybe it's also a way of God telling me not to run...but to just stand still and face what I need to face. And that might be harder. Obedience....takes willpower doesn't it? But I would much rather take His hand right now and follow Him through this uncertain place than just stay here all alone, scared, and lost. So I'm gonna do it, I'm going to choose to stand still and let God show me what I need to see in order for me to move forward in this process of healing and wholeness.

Praying for you sweet friend, maybe you are learning how to stand still too. It's okay, let's trust Him.  Just Breathe. love you -d

The Deep Places

    I'm overwhelmed sweet friends with the depth of things I'm finding my heart longing for recently, with the depth of some of these broken places and the amount of time it's taking them to heal, with the amount of areas in my life and heart that have been affected by certain things... how does so much happen to us when we aren't looking? I'm frustrated that as much as I want to move forward and be healed, it is a process and the Holy Spirit is gently reminding me that it's okay to slow down. My frustration is that I don't want to waste my time here on Earth, focused on myself and my husband and all our problems... I don't want to have problems lol, I would rather spend my time making a difference and letting my life count for something ya know? I've been that way for a long time, not a bad place to be per se... but even though I have said it to people forever that "the entire message of the Gospel, is about ONE THING... our relationship with God and are we making Him the Lord of our Lives". And the Holy Spirit is reminding me of this daily it seems... how I walk through this time isn't about what I'm not doing for the Kingdom, it's about my obedience to do the work and hold tight to God's hand and let Him lead me through it, in His timing, listening and changing in order to glorify Him with my life.

Dying to self I believe is what we call it yeah? Well, it's not that fun lol. BUT... I'm humbled by this fact that I thought I knew so well, and God is teaching me a depth to my obedience that I've never had to walk through before. And for that, I guess I am thankful. 

I find it interesting, that in the middle of deep brokenness, we think that God is going to rush in and rescue us, pick us up and wipe us off, make us whole and move us forward.... but actually... in our deep brokenness, we cry out to God to save us... and He steps in, gently takes our hand and WALKS us through the pain. Working in us through asking for our obedience in letting Him do what He needs to do in our hearts to become free and whole. I never really grasped this part of God before sweet friends and honestly, it's amazing to know that this is the God we serve. He would rather walk us through the hard places and teach us about His heart for us than just snap His fingers and make us whole. That's the God I want to serve.

     You know what I've found incredibly maddening here lately? I have been having some massive hits on my self worth, seemingly from like every direction. I recognize the voice and tactics of the Enemy as well... definitely present and working hard to take me down. I've got a few different things warring inside of me right now and they are all a little intertwined know what I mean? They sort of feed into each other. I think part of the process is untangling them a bit... not really looking forward to that to be honest. But... what else can I do?  I know the Truth here... it's a matter of choosing to walk in it, to fight the urge to allow these lies to gain a foothold, well, any further footholds in my emotions and how I view myself. What's interesting is how even though we can know the Truth sweet friends, the things we go through have a tendency to really start to pull and distort our perspectives don't they? I have felt really ....trampled.. the last few years, to the point of really feeling like no one saw me anymore or was even interested in me at all as a person. Plenty of people needed me, but it felt like no one ever really  saw me... make sense? But more than that, the feeling of constantly being trampled.... I had no idea just how powerful those actions actually were for me in the long run. I'm definitely reaping it all now. I'm reaping what I didn't sow...and that's hard. Because, I didn't choose this, but I am the one that is going to have to change it, no one else. 

   I never thought I would use the word "trauma"... but no matter how much I have honestly been running from that term because I didn't want it to hurt other people (isn't that crazy) and I thought maybe if I could turn what happened to me over the last several years into something else, anything else less....rough sounding, I would. But... it is what it is... trauma. And I have to own that term I think. The way my body responds to things even now... doesn't give me any other way out... it's trauma. period. 

ugh. (long sigh....) I don't like to see myself as a victim of anything, kinda goes against my grain. And truthfully, I'm not the only victim from the last several years... Shawn has had to deal with so much and there's so much not in his control. I'm realizing there's a lot of pain and unresolved things from his childhood and past... We need a HEALER. We have a Healer, we just need to SURRENDER the broken parts to Him. And THAT is the only thing in play right now. Can we both do that? I don't know. I hope so.

    You know what has also been hard lately, I know that God is gently reminding me pretty consistently that I need people, that we don't need to walk alone, and for this particular season of my life, finding the right support system is crucial. But.... I am so tired sweet friends, it's like I just don't have the strength to go, to do, to reach out, I say I want to do things and "I'll be there", but when it comes down to it... I just can't do it.  I think I'm starting to understand why, it's not a hard heart towards people, and it's not a rebelliousness to the idea of being vulnerable even... it's just the emotional exhaustion is leaving me spent all the time and honestly... I KNOW that God is working on somebody's heart to be my friend (I know this because I know God is faithful to His promises) but.... I don't feel like I am at my best right now (clearly) and I think I'm afraid that I might not be a good friend in return. Does that make sense? I don't know. But I think more than anything... it's that. And I'm sitting here just now realizing that is also a part of me feeling unworthy isn't it? ugh.... 

    These deep places are... hard sweet friends. But God is showing me things about myself and my past situations, current situation and teaching me obedience and surrender above all things. I'm seeing a side to God's heart that I knew existed but walking it out with Him, has been a precious part of this difficult and painful journey. The humbling part of all this, there are SO many things in this world that other people are facing and going through... that make my struggle look so easy ya know? And yet... HE cares enough about me, that He WANTS to take my hand and walk me through this process of healing and wholeness... honestly, how awesome is that? I feel humbled by that and it makes me not want to take advantage of His mercy and lovingkindness towards me...and do the work of obedience that I need to do, to become who He wants me to be in all this. One day at a time.

Love you sweet friends - d 

 

Heart Trouble...

 

      I ran across this quote the other day, "Find a love you don't have to heal from."  and I sat with it for a minute, because frankly... that's exactly what I'm having to do right now, with my husband... heal from some painful things over the last several years. But, here's the thing... isn't that quote just a little unfair?  Now I'm guessing the intent behind it was good and talking about staying away from abusive relationships... but the real truth is... there's probably a little healing that needs to take place in all our relationships with the people we love at times yes?   

 We've had a hard week. And you know what sweet friends? I'm realizing just how much my "compassion" is running on empty when it comes to my husband. That is so not fair, I know. I'm realizing this in my own heart and I am doing everything I can to let God restore that in me. It's hard. I've been realizing just how much I really have poured out over the years and somewhere along the way... it just became exhausting. My husband is a good man, loves the Lord, has a tender heart, please don't get the wrong idea here... but I'm the emotional/mental giver in our relationship... and at this point, right now... I feel so spent. Know what I mean? It's not at all that I don't love my husband, of course I do, always will... now my lack of compassion in certain recent situations, is making my husband doubt how much I love him... but it's just where I'm at emotionally right now.... drained. 

Compassion is not the same as "putting up with"... compassion is a heart condition sweet friends, and that's why it's a dangerous place to be. When we no longer have compassion for people, it means something has changed in our hearts...maybe a hardening of some sort? I don't know exactly, but I know I must find a way to let my heart fill with compassion again. I won't be able to do this on my own, I'm too hurt to be able to replenish this myself, but the Holy Spirit can bring me to a place of....? is it reconciliation? is it surrender? is it healing? is it restoration? is it all of those? is it something else? I don't really know what this particular process will be. I don't want my heart to harden towards my husband. Last night was hard, I expressed something in my heart to him and it hurt him... then he took his turn. A long time ago, several years actually, we had a really bad few months, and one day it had gotten pretty rough, all of a sudden, I felt like something had "died" within me. I even wrote that down and placed it in my Bible, because I didn't understand it. I still don't, but for some reason I think it might have something to do with this. Whatever it was, maybe it is linked to "compassion". 

It's hard when we feel unseen and unheard isn't it? There's something that happens deep within when we feel like no one really cares about us. And how the Enemy loves this place doesn't he sweet friends? He loves it when we feel like no one cares, when we feel invisible, unimportant, unloved, and he wastes no time moving in during our darkest moments of rejection. 

My husband lost his job today. Oh I saw it coming, this has been a crazy few months and my husband has been struggling through it trying to get a grip on things. I think the job just ran out of patience. I get it. But it was a crushing blow this morning and instantly I felt... desperation and anger, not sure which one was stronger. The hardest part, Shawn got upset with me, for being upset. I hadn't even said a word, just couldn't stop the tears. I'm sure he knows I'm disappointed, I'm sure he knows I'm frustrated, I'm sure he knows I'm extremely worried and stressed. I'm sure he's replayed the many times I begged him to please keep this job and he reassured me that he would. He knows. But we haven't even gotten to the end of this day, and the focus has been...all about his needs. He's in a hard place, he's facing his own battles and really hard trials too....I'm trying to make room, but it's hard sweet friends.  

My compassion level, just lost the last little bit of what I had left. I don't know what to do sweet friends. I'm angry and I'm hurt. I feel brushed aside and frankly used... those are in other details that don't really need shared but they are most definitely present. The Holy Spirit has work to do in my heart, and honestly I'm not looking forward to whatever this process looks like. But I don't want a hard heart and I'm feeling it trying to creep in today. It takes a lot to make me angry but I'm there now and I know I need to work through the resentment now and surrender these feelings to the Holy Spirit and let Him help me change how I feel towards my husband. 

This is definitely some vulnerable sharing today and I still struggle with being so open on here. But it's part of my journey, Shawn is open about his struggles with people, and frankly, it just is what it is... real life and sometimes that gets really hard sweet friends. Our struggles aren't anything special but maybe by bringing you along, we can still encourage you to fight for what is right and fight for your marriage, relationships, whatever it is you are facing. God is using this blog to help me not hold things in so tightly. Now, am I this transparent in person? lol... working on it. It's easier to speak with strangers than those I walk with daily, why? I don't know, but I'm guessing God's in the process of working that out in me too. But for now.... this helps, and I trust it's for reasons beyond just giving me a place to land, I trust God is working in your hearts as well. Sometimes just realizing that we are not alone in all the hard does wonders. 

What does tomorrow look like for me? I have no idea. I'm trying to process everything that has just been affected and turned upside down today. I'm trying to navigate my feelings and frustrations and trying my best to be kind to my husband when I really just want to yell. I want to walk in obedience through this journey, and that requires discipline..and God is gonna have to teach me some more disciplines I think or I'm probably gonna get myself in trouble, know what I mean? So I guess tomorrow, I'll get up, sit at His feet. Probably lay all of this down again and ask Him to teach me. And then I'm going to do my best to keep my heart soft towards God as He works to bring these areas of my heart back into right standing with Him and work to keep my heart soft towards my husband as we navigate another level of "what are we doing now?".

Better days are ahead.... I'm going to choose to believe that. You too sweet friends, hang in there. -d