The Enemy...

    Sweet friends.... today was almost unbearable. You've been there right? I think today was one of the heaviest attacks of the enemy I've had on my emotions. I recognized it early on today, but this spiritual battle seemed different than what I have faced before. I don't even know if I can really explain it accurately... but here's the thing. You know that Scripture... "whatever you bind on earth is bound in heaven"? Right you know the one, and it's one of those verses we're all like "oh yeah, yeah, that's good"... like we all really understand it but then we're also like...."what?". Yeah that one. But God has been teaching me a little bit about that verse. I still don't completely get it but there is something about spiritual warfare and that verse and TALKING about things like this... that is binding and loosing things in the spiritual realm. Understand? No? it's okay, I don't completely either... but there IS something to it and God is using my vulnerability in writing here... in my spiritual warfare. Crazy. 

Today... I have felt the crushing pressure in my spirit. The enemy was relentless and for most of the day, I had a really hard time getting a grip on my emotions and a lot of frustration and anger kept warring inside of me. Now, I had a busy work day so I didn't really have the "time" to sit and process ya know, which didn't help but that's life sometimes right? But when I finally did have a moment to stop and "feel" what was going on... it took me down sweet friends. And fast. It was a fight of truth vs. lies and man it was heavy. I was already in the middle of this battle before my husband decided to get involved.... and not in a good way at all. Honestly... the Enemy threw everything he could at me tonight. The jerk. Luckily my husband backed down eventually and just left me alone to fight on my own which is what I needed. And then all of a sudden... done. The pressure lifted, the flood of emotions subsided, and I knew without a doubt... it was warfare. Like I wasn't already tired...lol. I am so done with this day sweet friends. 

I hope something good was accomplished tonight in this battle. I hope God was pleased at the end of it. I stumbled a little, let the despair in a little too much at one point I'll admit that, I was just so tired of all of it. But I think the thing that really pushed me to fight back was the feelings of wanting to be angry with God... look, I'm not going to be angry with God, over any of the things I'm struggling with. I've already determined that in my heart and I really sensed that this was the goal tonight... to get me turned around in that department. Sometimes demons, are just bold ya know? I refuse to go there..simply because I know the Truth in this, God is never wrong. Period. I can be mad at my situation, my faults, shawn's faults, the unfairness of life... but to choose to be mad at God... waste of my time and focus. He loves me. He has a plan that is GOOD. He is upset with the sin, deception, hurt, chaos in our lives right now. No way I'm gonna turn my anger towards Him. I'm going to run to Him with my anger at all these things and let Him help me let go of it all and heal me. And I hope the Enemy heard that message loud and clear tonight.

My body is shaky right now sweet friends. Which, is normal sometimes for spiritual warfare. It's a real thing and many of you totally understand that, you've been there too. That's why we remember in times like this, to continue to "fix our eyes on Jesus" because we have no stinkin' idea what is really going on around us and we have a very real enemy that is definitely out to destroy us. 

I still have all of these emotions to work through. (Tomorrow lol) But the crushing weight is gone and for that, I am very thankful. 

Sweet friends, guard yourselves, recognize the enemy, hold onto Truth, and be ready.... to fight. I am praying for you to stay strong in your battle. You are not alone. Neither am I. Satan can take that note and put it in his back pocket, in case he forgets that about me. Jerk. 

love you guys, it's 2 in the morning, I'm going to bed, goodnight  - d 

Finding Truth in the Broken Places...

       Man.... anyone else ever regret asking God to show you the truth? Yeah, me too. I've been begging God for clarity, I've been determined to find the truth, I've been so angry at my own confusion here lately... and now I just want to run. Not gonna lie. The truth is heavier than I thought it would be. It's more painful than I thought it would be too. Honestly, I'm not happy with the truth sweet friends. In fact, I feel even more broken by it. The Truth is what sets us free.... this Truth WILL set me free. But sometimes we forget about the part where we have to choose to acknowledge it, embrace it, and reconcile with God over it. I am sitting here in the middle of the mess, Shawn's mess, My mess... my heart is heavy now with truth. 

Oh there's still plenty of things I don't have a clue about. Lots of things I still need to figure out moving forward. but today... I'm sitting here with what I do know. And I can't move, does that make sense?  And I'm angry with myself, oh not in a pity party type of way but in a "how was I so blind, deceived, stupid?" kind of way. Looking back, I KNEW better...didn't I? How did I let myself get so distracted and become so detached from the truth? I let myself disappear.... and I allowed all these pieces of me to be broken. 

The enemy was present no doubt, but somewhere along the line...I let my guard down. I took my eyes off of the truth and allowed him to step in and gain a really powerful foothold. The kind that stopped me from being me.... wow. That was a powerful move on his part, and I didn't even notice till this past year really. And as much as I want to say "and where was God?".... I already know the answer... He was right there, watching me walk into the trap that would start stripping me of precious things. He was there the whole time, through my blindness. I can say without a doubt that He never left me. I'm guessing His heart hurt watching me, not "get it". The part that is really hard right now, is trying to understand why God hid the truth from me when I asked Him about some of these things...see my spirit was right, I began to see things in the mix over the last few years but I never got an "answer" from God when I specifically asked Him if I was right.

Here's the thing... I know even now, one ABSOLUTE Truth... God is NEVER Wrong. So for me to allow myself to become angry with Him because I don't understand this part... it would be a waste of my time. He's not wrong, ever. And if that's the truth, then that can only mean one thing... I am.

So what if.... God doesn't just answer us when we ask the right questions, because it's about how well we actually know Him and the Truth? What if, I already had the answer the minute I asked the right question, I just was looking for Him to answer me the way I wanted Him too, and when He didn't, I allowed my own insecurities to take the lead over my faith in what I knew was already Truth? What if.. I messed up by not just walking in the Truth? These are hard questions, and maybe I'm still wrong in how I'm seeing this. All I know is that it is not God's heart to keep the Truth hidden from us, but it Is His heart that we seek Him, Know Him, and listen. Maybe I should've been listening in more ways than one. I have a lot to learn sweet friends. I'm gonna be talking with God about this part for a while... I want to understand.

As for the rest of the truths I'm facing... I'm not even sure where to start. Cleaning up our messes is never easy is it? Some things I know I can just change and move forward. But some of these places, are going to require more before I can move forward I'm afraid. And... I am afraid. Fear, here it comes again, I see it, I'm aware, it's there and ready to pounce. "Do not be afraid"... I hear the Spirit whispering in my heart... I know what the right thing is... I know I can do all things, even this. My confidence in myself has been shaken to the core, I hate that. But it's part of the realization that I've been wrong, when I didn't think I was wrong ya know? And that makes me question myself way more now. Am I doing the right thing? Am I seeing the actual truth? Am I being distracted? There's a balance here... and I have to find it. Because I can go the wrong direction very quickly if I'm not careful, but being too careful can keep me from moving forward in truth and healing. 

Why is this so hard? 

I've seen some things this past week, things that HAVE to change. And sitting in the middle of a relationship that has to change on both ends to get in right standing with God...and I can only be responsible for my part in the changing. But my changing will force decision on his part for sure. Is he ready? I don't know. Am I ready? I don't know. Sweet friends, I am the weakest I have ever been... and I feel like I am getting ready to step into the hardest fight I have ever been in. What am I doing? 

But what other options are there? None that are good. And I'm tired of watching the Enemy win in our lives. Even more so now, that I've seen more of the truth. It's definitely fueling my fire, I just hope the rest of me can keep up with my spirit. 

Deception is a powerful thing sweet friends and it can happen even to the strongest of us. "Guard your hearts above all else" and "Fix your eyes on Jesus"... sweet friends, DO NOT take your eyes off of Jesus for ONE SECOND. Trust me, it's all it takes to get distracted and give the Enemy the chance he's been looking for. It's serious. He's LOOKING for ways to destroy us... we're usually the ones that open the door.

Satan isn't going to win this battle. But, he's done a lot of damage here. He's also continuing to work. Please pray for Shawn. Pray for me. Pray for everyone God is bringing into our inner circle to help us fight. We are nothing special, but the Enemy has done well at keeping us from all the things God has for us... I can see that now.... and now it's time that we fight for our purpose. No more darkness. I'm done playing his stupid games.

Lift your eyes up sweet friends, see the truth in your own battles, and don't quit, we've got this....I'm praying for all of you. -d

He will fight my battles....

 

        Oh sweet friends, this has been a whirlwind of a week. I think I have felt literally every emotion there is this week. I am exhausted. I'm not even sure how to put everything into coherent words right now, I am still very much processing so many things in my head and heart. But, I'm gonna process and blog at the same time, let's see how it goes. 

Last weekend, tragedy struck close to home. The tragic loss of the Koch family (if you don't know what I'm talking about... just google it, it's national news) I am broken over all of it, every single bit. Just within hours after I had seen them, talked to them, laughed with them, they were all dead... and that's hard to process all on it's own. But their story, held more significance in my life than I care to admit. Oh it's different for sure, in fact, I believe hands down, theirs was harder to deal with than anything I've had to endure. But the truth still remains that, the similarities are very present...and those things came crashing in all at once. Ya know the hard thing about it, earlier in the week I found myself so angry at Bailey's last post she had put out. The anger at her situation, the unfairness of it all, the darkness of the daily struggle...just all of the reality of things made me so angry at mental illness honestly. It's a thief for sure. Not only for the individual that has to live with the constant fight of it all, but also the loved ones that go into battle everyday FOR their loved one and a lot of days WITH their loved one. That's the part most people don't know about. It's painful. and hard. 

    I was grappling with the anger, knowing I needed to work through my emotions wrapped up in that post...and then this happened. And for a minute, no...lots of minutes...days actually...still truthfully...

The word HOPE.... lost it's meaning for me. Everything Bailey and Jeremy talked about was their hope in God to see them through their journey, to make sense of all the chaos and confusion they had to live through everyday... but there was always hope that things would get better.

I talk about HOPE all the time. I believe in Hope. It's the only thing holding me together on the really really dark days, that it will pass and better days are ahead.

HOPE that God will intervene and save me...

And then this happened. And sweet friends.... my world shook. Because where is HOPE? I KNEW the TRUTH that HOPE IS REAL and HOPE IS HERE. GOD IS HOPE. but, my heart was crushed, in so many ways. All my fears started rushing to the surface, and unfortunately, I wasn't alone to try to process them and it caused some problems. (but I think God knew, and He was already ahead of me in those moments ya know?) I think as I was quickly being thrown into a whirlwind of fear and despair, and honestly losing my hope... He was working all things on my behalf. And I didn't even realize it. 

It's a scary thing to lose hope isn't sweet friends? I know many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. It doesn't matter the situation.. it's scary to lose hope for a better tomorrow. Fear is a powerful thing and it can crush us in seconds. Fear is a bondage in our lives, because it cripples us in the process of moving forward in freedom and victory. And HOPE and FREEDOM go hand in hand. FEAR is the ENEMY of FREEDOM isn't it? I was here.

For the next few days, I was slipping and I hate to admit that to you. But everything in me was fighting to survive, does that make sense? I was angry that I couldn't get a grip on my hope, it felt like it just kept slipping out of my fingers, the fear and anger just kept warring inside of me and I couldn't let it out because, I wasn't in a safe place to process openly ya know? I was losing fast. 

But then....something really hard and completely unexpected happened. Here's where it's gonna get pretty real. (I'm gonna leave out some, a lot of details..)

Shawn's Dr. called me. She was forcing him to get help. Someone sat down and shared some things with her and ....God stepped in to fight my battle for me. Because I was slipping. and THAT is HOPE. 

I came home after leaving Shawn at the Hospital and .... the weight of the week, all of it, came crashing down on me. It was a rough night with all the emotions. I was relieved... I'm also so tired. I'm battle weary. I'm even a little bit lost in all the chaos. But.... I know that God is moving in the midst and I can trust that. Honestly, this weekend, I began to doubt hope again, I felt the walls coming in closer as we had to deal with some things and sweet friends, I crumbled under the pressure, I began to feel hopeless again at the chaos of what was happening. Frustration and Confusion and Doubt were pounding on me. I had nothing left to give, my strength was gone yesterday and I just kind of gave up, and I hate to admit that too. That's not who I want to be. I know better, but sometimes sweet friends... we find ourselves here, in the midst of the battle and nothing looks good. Fear...continues to bull rush us in these moments. But that's when we lift our trembling hands, we let the tears roll, and we don't even have to say anything. Because He knows. He sees. He's already there. And we have to let go. .....God showed up again, honestly, in the nick of time and proved once again... that He is in control of all of this.

These past few days have been so so hard sweet friends. Not only has there been a whirlwind of emotions, but there's also been a wrecking ball of truth... that I'm seeing about the situation, about Shawn, most painfully...about me. I am not gonna lie... I am angry. Not really a bad anger, oh it could go that direction if I'm not careful to handle it properly, but a righteous anger at really... what I have become over the last decade of my life. I've been pondering some timelines and I'm starting to see how I got distracted and the Enemy moved right in, and I never caught it. I am wrong in lots of areas, and it's not about beating myself up, it's about recognizing the truth, reconciling those moments of my failure to God, and learning how to change.

This is probably the hardest part I'm dealing with right now sweet friends, on the internal to do list...(I've got a few to do lists right now)

But I have to reconcile the part in all this, that God ALLOWS us to mess up and to walk in disobedience even, because God didn't ask me to become who I did. He didn't ask me to make the poor choices that I did in those moments. He had nothing to do with the direction I chose to go during those trying times... He LET me make the wrong choices, which led me down a path of massive hurt and consequences. And I HAVE to reconcile this part with God. I HAVE to be okay that He let me have free will. And that's hard.

BUT.... even in all of that, He still chose to walk with me. And to comfort me, in the middle of my mess. And to protect me when I should've been getting help from others. You guys.... God is good. He is merciful to our shortcomings and to our stupidity honestly. I am sitting here, angry and humble at the same time because I just realized after 4 days of grappling with all this... that God never left my side even though.... somewhere in the mix, I took my eyes off of Him and started doing things my own way, He stayed with me and continued to work in me through MY MESS...until today, when I finally realized... I made a mistake. God IS faithful sweet friends. 

And we get angry with Him, but we fail to see the whole truth sometimes. I think maybe, I have few more of these moments coming... I'm not looking forward to them. I feel stupid that I allowed some things to take shape in my life, and who I am... and I have a feeling, I'm not done seeing more of the same. But I am thankful that God is with me now, He is going before me no doubt. He is placing people, HIS people into my life, strategically... I can see it. And I am overwhelmed by His kindness to me. 

I was talking with a sweet friend the other day, trying to make sense of some things, and she started talking about fear... and I began smiling because God knew I needed to hear exactly what she was saying. It brought clarity but also confirmation in what He had already been speaking to my heart in all this mess. And that is God. 

He will fight for us sweet friends. I am so very scared for the days ahead. I knew it was coming, I sensed it in my spirit a few weeks ago... I didn't think it was coming so soon. I do not feel ready. I am so weak and tired and spent. I am fearful that I will fail.

But that is my flesh. I cannot deny God's presence in all of this and I know that I can do ALL things through Him. I have no strength left right now, but He does. And I know that I am learning to "stand still" and let Him work. I have to trust Him. I have to, because I really have no other choice. And this time.... I am NOT going to let the Enemy, sneak in while I'm distracted by chaos, and trick me into doing my own thing. I'm done with that mess.   

Pray for me. Pray for Shawn. Pray for everyone God is going to use to bring VICTORY out of this mess.

Love you sweet friends -d

In the Shadow...

 

     So, I've been contemplating a lot of things here this past week, some things I have felt clarity on, some things I can see how God worked in me through them but still don't make much sense as to why those things were necessary, and some things... are leaving me questioning why God didn't reveal the truth to me when I asked for it. Anybody else find yourself with questions like these? 

I'm gonna share with you what I have understood these last few days...

1.  I believe that God shielded me from the Truth in a couple things because.... I would've pushed too hard and I would've walked away. And that wasn't His plan. This particular truth has been something that I have had to reconcile with God and submit to. This was a hard one to understand and I still don't completely but, peace is taking hold here. Marriage is complicated. WAY more than I realized and this process has really revealed God's heart, not only for marriage, but also His heart for our relationship with Him and how marriage is a physical picture of that relationship. It's actually pretty amazing and humbling. See, if I would've known for sure (I began questioning a few years in the chaos but never got an answer from God) that Shawn was in fact not bipolar and he did have more control over his behavior than I realized, I wouldn't of put up with some of it at all. Period. And if I would've understood that his heart was rebellious towards God... I would've walked out and said "figure it out and let me know when you do". And that is the truth of how I probably would've handled it if I would've known exactly what was going on. But God.... knew the whole story, He held the plan and purpose for our lives, He held our marriage and He decided what this journey was going to look like. I've had moments of anger wrapped up in all this realization. I was angry when I realized that I was right in what I sensed in my spirit but angry that God didn't tell me I was right when I asked, I felt a little betrayed truthfully... but the realization that God stepped in and held our marriage together and honestly, did help us build a strong foundation even in the midst of this chaos... and only God could do something like that. Trust me, at one point, I ASKED God to let Shawn mess up so I could be free. I did sweet friends, I was there in that place... so tired and hurt and confused... ready to give up and I knew I wasn't going to do anything to break our marriage...so I needed it to be him. And you know what, he had a moment... a wide open opportunity to do just that.... and this is vulnerable on both of our parts, but this is something we have shared in marriage counseling with others and we've shared it at a couple marriage retreats so it's not "new"... but he thought about cheating on me.... and GOD INTERVEINED IN A HUGE WAY... after I had prayed that prayer, asking God to let him mess it up, and God said NO. That moment, has been foundational for me all this time, to keep going. Confirmation that I am in fact married to the right man that God has for me and I need to trust that God will complete the work He started and promised me in my husband. (the promise God made to me as I was face down on our bathroom floor, silent screams, weeping, feeling like I was just swallowed up in darkness and despair... honestly, I don't think I will ever forget that day...but God met me there, and I will never forget that moment as long as I live)

      2. I believe God pulled us away from people (now, not completely...I believe we had our own hand in that as well and that was not God's plan, so there is a line here)  but I think that on Shawn's journey... God allowed him to have time... I am not thrilled by this, I have anger wrapped up in this that I am currently working through. But that doesn't change the fact that I do believe that these past 10 years, were in form... Shawn's "wilderness". And God let him wander there the past 10 years. 

and me too.

This has been a hard journey. This is also where, God is God and we are not sweet friends. I'll be honest, I wonder on the day we walked out of the church buildings, away from active ministry, not because that's what we wanted to do, not because we were hurt, but because we loved the Lord and we couldn't link arms with other leadership anywhere, that chose to do things that broke God's heart. Clearly we weren't perfect right? but that's not the point, the point was, we KNEW it was God releasing us from "church", for how long, we had no idea. But it was painful sweet friends. And looking back... God knew the journey we were about to go on didn't He? He knew there was a wilderness coming and a work in that wilderness that only He could do... and I believe He needed to capture Shawn's heart....and refine mine. I had no idea what we were about to go through... I might've ran if I would've known ya know?

I remember being in the car by myself driving down B street in North Platte... and I knew God was releasing us from "trying" to find a church, and He was telling us to walk away. I remember the moment I realized that our gifts and talents only Glorify Him when they are being used for His Glory. And when you are in a Church that will not honor God because they embrace the very things that break His heart... then what we do in a place like that, isn't glorifying Him anyway. (it doesn't mean that we as individuals can't glorify God no matter where we are...but as leaders, where you link arms, matters) I remember the moment I realized that I would bring more glory to God in surrendering all the things that made me "awesome", "needed", "important" by laying those down in honoring the One who gave me all those gifts and talents than to continue to use them in places that broke His heart. 

It hit me a little bit today...

I wonder if God cried, when I chose to be obedient and lay all my gifts and talents down at His feet in surrender to His plan...

I wonder if He cried, when everything that I knew how to use for His glory, (and I did bring Him honor in all the things I did in ministry, because I did it with a heart full of love for my God) and everything that DEFINED me, the person that He created and called me to be, I laid down at His feet in surrender to His plan...

I wonder if He cried, because He knew the journey that I was about to go on...was going to strip and tear precious things from me, and precious things between Him and I were going to be tested.

I honestly wonder if He cried over me. You know what I think I'm realizing sweet friends.... I think He did. He knew how much my heart was going to break in the days to come... and He tells us that He weeps over us... and I believe today... that He did.

He sustained me sweet friends. I grew closer to God in the last 10 years than ever before. And for that, I am thankful for that awful wilderness. God is a just God, and He sees the wrong that is done to us, the wrong we have to put up with, live through, endure.... but He is Faithful to us even in the midst of the unfair. Do you believe that? Man, that's a hard place to get to isn't sweet friends? I'm just now reconciling these parts... so yeah. it's a hard place to get to. 

Why did I have to go through this dark place with Shawn? Why did I have to suffer because Shawn wasn't ready to fully trust God? Why did I have to live through the consequences of Shawn's rebellion?

I have no idea... and I do not believe that it was all Shawn's rebellion, that was just a really hard part of it and I do believe it prolonged the process, as our hearts and disobedience can do (biblical). I believe there were several factors involved. Shawn IS a good man, a godly man, and these posts are hard because I feel like I am only speaking about the hard things, the ugly things... but those aren't the whole picture and trust me..... the good FAR outweighs the bad. He could tell you all my ugly too, so please don't get the wrong idea about my husband... I love him very much. Life has just been hard because we've had to go through some really tough things and unfortunately, we are reaping some of that which we didn't handle well, now. I'm just sharing my part of the journey, that's all. 

As I've been talking with God about ... all this stuff, He's been bringing things to my memory. Some things were the huge moments, I mean huge where I saw Him intervene on my behalf during some really difficult times and I knew He was very present, very aware of everything happening, and He stepped in on many occasions and I began to really know Him as my Protector, not just of my physical body, but as a Protector of my heart, spirit... He watched over me...placed me safely in the shadow of His wings (Ps 91:4)

At times, when some things happened that were completely out of my control, and I was left either panicking or just super done with arms lifted up in a "whatever" stance at life... God showed up as Jireh, and I began to really know Him as our Provider. I learned that no matter what happened, He would always supply my needs if I just trusted Him and let go of "trying TOO hard" know what I mean? Sometimes, those moments when I just had absolutely no answer and I would just say "God, I know we don't deserve Your help for our mess we created, but I don't know what to do"... and God would show up, right on time, the need would be met, I could breathe again.... safely in the shadow.

There were some really dark days sweet friends... really dark days. Sometimes in the middle of complete chaos and honestly, a lot of hurt... I felt so alone. so afraid. and unloved. This one's painful to admit. Cutting people out of your life in order to "protect" someone, or protect "those people's hearts from being hurt".... was one of the most painful choices I ever made... also, I'm not saying it was the right choice either. I'm still a little confused about this one too. Because I know we were supposed to walk away from the church buildings, not necessarily from the people, but that's where things got a little...foggy. No one chased us either so there's that too. But, I don't really know what it should've looked like for me, for us. We lost our church family... all of them, from everywhere. What does that really mean from everyone, us and them? Who was I supposed to talk to? Who was supposed to reach out to us? Were we really suppose to isolate ourselves completely to go through all this or not? Honestly, cutting myself off completely "felt" right at the time... but was it the right thing at the time? I don't completely know and I think maybe God will help me sort this part out eventually. But it was lonely. Sometimes, the weight of it felt unbearable... but God showed up, a lot of times simply through the TRUTH of His Word hidden in my heart, repeating out of my mouth declaring the promises over my life, the fruit of the Spirit in my life, speaking against the Enemy which I could sense a lot of the time, lurking around, waiting to pounce... but I nestled into safety and began to know God as my Comforter & Friend... in the shadow. 

There were times of... fear mixed in over the years. This wasn't present too often but certain occasions or unpredictable circumstances would produce moments of fear. You know what I learned maybe even the most deeply about God in the past several years? He is FIERCE when it comes to protecting His Children. I think maybe one of my biggest pieces of hope that I had in the middle of the darkest times over the years, was knowing that God WOULD step in if I could not handle any more and that NOTHING was going to happen to me unless He allowed it to. He was in control of every situation I found myself in. I could tell you very specific stories sweet friends of how God intervened and protected me, shielded me, delivered me just in time. In the darkest and scariest of times the last few years, I came to know God as my Refuge....in the shadow. 

Know what's interesting sweet friends? I started this post last week, and in the midst of writing this and working through some things in my heart, some big things blew up and I found myself right back in the middle of these moments, except they were current moments. But, this post has been resonating in the back of my mind the last several days as I've tried to find my footing and navigate some hard moments. And that's how God works isn't it? These things that have been on my heart and the CLARITY that God has been giving me, is actually helping me through the last few days. I am so exhausted, please pray for me. This has been hard walking through healing while technically still dealing with things that have attributed to the brokenness, know what I mean? But, even though it is not ideal and I'm not sure how possible it is to heal from brokenness while dealing with more...brokenness? Seems impossible, but I don't know all the details of this journey and I know I can trust the hand I'm holding so I'm sure all things will work out as they should in this journey of faith and healing and restoration. Glad I'm not in complete control, it wouldn't turn out so great. God is the God of the impossible, so I'm gonna keep moving forward, working through these things one step at a time, because I do know that I am SAFE and exactly where I need to be... gently tucked in, under His shadow. 

and you can be too...remember that.

Love you sweet friends, -d