Dying to self I believe is what we call it yeah? Well, it's not that fun lol. BUT... I'm humbled by this fact that I thought I knew so well, and God is teaching me a depth to my obedience that I've never had to walk through before. And for that, I guess I am thankful.
I find it interesting, that in the middle of deep brokenness, we think that God is going to rush in and rescue us, pick us up and wipe us off, make us whole and move us forward.... but actually... in our deep brokenness, we cry out to God to save us... and He steps in, gently takes our hand and WALKS us through the pain. Working in us through asking for our obedience in letting Him do what He needs to do in our hearts to become free and whole. I never really grasped this part of God before sweet friends and honestly, it's amazing to know that this is the God we serve. He would rather walk us through the hard places and teach us about His heart for us than just snap His fingers and make us whole. That's the God I want to serve.
You know what I've found incredibly maddening here lately? I have been having some massive hits on my self worth, seemingly from like every direction. I recognize the voice and tactics of the Enemy as well... definitely present and working hard to take me down. I've got a few different things warring inside of me right now and they are all a little intertwined know what I mean? They sort of feed into each other. I think part of the process is untangling them a bit... not really looking forward to that to be honest. But... what else can I do? I know the Truth here... it's a matter of choosing to walk in it, to fight the urge to allow these lies to gain a foothold, well, any further footholds in my emotions and how I view myself. What's interesting is how even though we can know the Truth sweet friends, the things we go through have a tendency to really start to pull and distort our perspectives don't they? I have felt really ....trampled.. the last few years, to the point of really feeling like no one saw me anymore or was even interested in me at all as a person. Plenty of people needed me, but it felt like no one ever really saw me... make sense? But more than that, the feeling of constantly being trampled.... I had no idea just how powerful those actions actually were for me in the long run. I'm definitely reaping it all now. I'm reaping what I didn't sow...and that's hard. Because, I didn't choose this, but I am the one that is going to have to change it, no one else.
I never thought I would use the word "trauma"... but no matter how much I have honestly been running from that term because I didn't want it to hurt other people (isn't that crazy) and I thought maybe if I could turn what happened to me over the last several years into something else, anything else less....rough sounding, I would. But... it is what it is... trauma. And I have to own that term I think. The way my body responds to things even now... doesn't give me any other way out... it's trauma. period.
ugh. (long sigh....) I don't like to see myself as a victim of anything, kinda goes against my grain. And truthfully, I'm not the only victim from the last several years... Shawn has had to deal with so much and there's so much not in his control. I'm realizing there's a lot of pain and unresolved things from his childhood and past... We need a HEALER. We have a Healer, we just need to SURRENDER the broken parts to Him. And THAT is the only thing in play right now. Can we both do that? I don't know. I hope so.
You know what has also been hard lately, I know that God is gently reminding me pretty consistently that I need people, that we don't need to walk alone, and for this particular season of my life, finding the right support system is crucial. But.... I am so tired sweet friends, it's like I just don't have the strength to go, to do, to reach out, I say I want to do things and "I'll be there", but when it comes down to it... I just can't do it. I think I'm starting to understand why, it's not a hard heart towards people, and it's not a rebelliousness to the idea of being vulnerable even... it's just the emotional exhaustion is leaving me spent all the time and honestly... I KNOW that God is working on somebody's heart to be my friend (I know this because I know God is faithful to His promises) but.... I don't feel like I am at my best right now (clearly) and I think I'm afraid that I might not be a good friend in return. Does that make sense? I don't know. But I think more than anything... it's that. And I'm sitting here just now realizing that is also a part of me feeling unworthy isn't it? ugh....
These deep places are... hard sweet friends. But God is showing me things about myself and my past situations, current situation and teaching me obedience and surrender above all things. I'm seeing a side to God's heart that I knew existed but walking it out with Him, has been a precious part of this difficult and painful journey. The humbling part of all this, there are SO many things in this world that other people are facing and going through... that make my struggle look so easy ya know? And yet... HE cares enough about me, that He WANTS to take my hand and walk me through this process of healing and wholeness... honestly, how awesome is that? I feel humbled by that and it makes me not want to take advantage of His mercy and lovingkindness towards me...and do the work of obedience that I need to do, to become who He wants me to be in all this. One day at a time.
Love you sweet friends - d
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