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We've had a hard week. And you know what sweet friends? I'm realizing just how much my "compassion" is running on empty when it comes to my husband. That is so not fair, I know. I'm realizing this in my own heart and I am doing everything I can to let God restore that in me. It's hard. I've been realizing just how much I really have poured out over the years and somewhere along the way... it just became exhausting. My husband is a good man, loves the Lord, has a tender heart, please don't get the wrong idea here... but I'm the emotional/mental giver in our relationship... and at this point, right now... I feel so spent. Know what I mean? It's not at all that I don't love my husband, of course I do, always will... now my lack of compassion in certain recent situations, is making my husband doubt how much I love him... but it's just where I'm at emotionally right now.... drained.
Compassion is not the same as "putting up with"... compassion is a heart condition sweet friends, and that's why it's a dangerous place to be. When we no longer have compassion for people, it means something has changed in our hearts...maybe a hardening of some sort? I don't know exactly, but I know I must find a way to let my heart fill with compassion again. I won't be able to do this on my own, I'm too hurt to be able to replenish this myself, but the Holy Spirit can bring me to a place of....? is it reconciliation? is it surrender? is it healing? is it restoration? is it all of those? is it something else? I don't really know what this particular process will be. I don't want my heart to harden towards my husband. Last night was hard, I expressed something in my heart to him and it hurt him... then he took his turn. A long time ago, several years actually, we had a really bad few months, and one day it had gotten pretty rough, all of a sudden, I felt like something had "died" within me. I even wrote that down and placed it in my Bible, because I didn't understand it. I still don't, but for some reason I think it might have something to do with this. Whatever it was, maybe it is linked to "compassion".
It's hard when we feel unseen and unheard isn't it? There's something that happens deep within when we feel like no one really cares about us. And how the Enemy loves this place doesn't he sweet friends? He loves it when we feel like no one cares, when we feel invisible, unimportant, unloved, and he wastes no time moving in during our darkest moments of rejection.
My husband lost his job today. Oh I saw it coming, this has been a crazy few months and my husband has been struggling through it trying to get a grip on things. I think the job just ran out of patience. I get it. But it was a crushing blow this morning and instantly I felt... desperation and anger, not sure which one was stronger. The hardest part, Shawn got upset with me, for being upset. I hadn't even said a word, just couldn't stop the tears. I'm sure he knows I'm disappointed, I'm sure he knows I'm frustrated, I'm sure he knows I'm extremely worried and stressed. I'm sure he's replayed the many times I begged him to please keep this job and he reassured me that he would. He knows. But we haven't even gotten to the end of this day, and the focus has been...all about his needs. He's in a hard place, he's facing his own battles and really hard trials too....I'm trying to make room, but it's hard sweet friends.
My compassion level, just lost the last little bit of what I had left. I don't know what to do sweet friends. I'm angry and I'm hurt. I feel brushed aside and frankly used... those are in other details that don't really need shared but they are most definitely present. The Holy Spirit has work to do in my heart, and honestly I'm not looking forward to whatever this process looks like. But I don't want a hard heart and I'm feeling it trying to creep in today. It takes a lot to make me angry but I'm there now and I know I need to work through the resentment now and surrender these feelings to the Holy Spirit and let Him help me change how I feel towards my husband.
This is definitely some vulnerable sharing today and I still struggle with being so open on here. But it's part of my journey, Shawn is open about his struggles with people, and frankly, it just is what it is... real life and sometimes that gets really hard sweet friends. Our struggles aren't anything special but maybe by bringing you along, we can still encourage you to fight for what is right and fight for your marriage, relationships, whatever it is you are facing. God is using this blog to help me not hold things in so tightly. Now, am I this transparent in person? lol... working on it. It's easier to speak with strangers than those I walk with daily, why? I don't know, but I'm guessing God's in the process of working that out in me too. But for now.... this helps, and I trust it's for reasons beyond just giving me a place to land, I trust God is working in your hearts as well. Sometimes just realizing that we are not alone in all the hard does wonders.
What does tomorrow look like for me? I have no idea. I'm trying to process everything that has just been affected and turned upside down today. I'm trying to navigate my feelings and frustrations and trying my best to be kind to my husband when I really just want to yell. I want to walk in obedience through this journey, and that requires discipline..and God is gonna have to teach me some more disciplines I think or I'm probably gonna get myself in trouble, know what I mean? So I guess tomorrow, I'll get up, sit at His feet. Probably lay all of this down again and ask Him to teach me. And then I'm going to do my best to keep my heart soft towards God as He works to bring these areas of my heart back into right standing with Him and work to keep my heart soft towards my husband as we navigate another level of "what are we doing now?".
Better days are ahead.... I'm going to choose to believe that. You too sweet friends, hang in there. -d
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