Lord, My Cup is Empty....

 

      Oh sweet friends, I don't think I have one drop of anything left today to pour out, into anybody, into life, into myself...and you know what that tells me? I'm doing something wrong here. No, it's not victimhood, it's the fact that I'm not getting filled up somewhere, no matter how hard life is...God is our source of strength and there should be something in my cup. I'm missing it somehow, and I'm not quite sure where.

Oh, I'm not completely clueless, life has been hard and some things have been slipping for me in all the chaos, I've just been so tired I guess I stopped caring a little. I need to fix that, not sure how but I'll figure it out. I'm just running on fumes and that makes me cranky at life I guess. Dealing with my own self worth has taken a little bigger toll than I realized too, It's hard to see the world clearly when we can't see ourselves clearly and that's a huge truth. My filter is a bit....skewed I'd say. Feeling like I'm wrong, being told I'm not wrong for doing the right things even though they feel wrong, being told I'm wrong by the one who feels wronged because of the right things I'm doing, knowing that I've been wrong in the past makes me question whether I'm wrong now.....ya know? I'm spinning a bit and everything just "feels" wrong whether it is or it isn't. 

Not the funnest place to be right now but, I'm working through a lot of things and I guess for the time being...it is what it is.

I was talking with a friend the other day, and she's been going through a really rough time here lately and I started to give some advice, because I could see it plain as day (always easier seeing other people's solutions huh?) and the Holy Spirit was like sandpaper. I could sense Him in my spirit constantly going "uh huh" as I was helping her see the truth. Of course, I'm very upfront with people I'm giving advice to these days that I feel I have NO BUSINESS giving any advice right now, and every one that I say this to, still seems to want my advice. But at least they know I'm not really worthy. I do not want to be a hypocrite, but I also have a heart for people, especially those that ask for my help... but as long as they understand where I'm at, then I'll give them what I can and hopefully it helps. God's been using this part too though, and as long as we all don't wallow together, there is strength in knowing you're not alone in some of these inward battles. Like the one her and I were talking about, It stung because it's so hard to see the truth sometimes, about ourselves, isn't it? 

Man, I will say that I have missed being able to talk things out with friends, just hearing someone else validate, or correct, or simply encourage has been greatly missed. And I realize how much I've missed out all these years of having that support and sharpening. I can't help but still battle these really deep feelings of "loneliness" here lately, even though, there's people in my life... good people. I just have these moments and I can't quite figure them out either. I feel incredibly alone... even though I'm not. I don't get it, maybe it just the enemy trying to pounce. I mean, there's a lot in my heart that I'm not talking about with anyone and maybe that's part of it.... but these feelings have some depth to them and I feel like I need to figure out why. Anybody else surrounded by people and struggle with this? I'm guessing so. Hang in there sweet friends, we are NOT ALONE... we have to remember that, even on the days it feels that way. It's not the Truth. 

Speaking of the "Truth"... I'm not liking what I'm realizing these last couple of weeks. The Truth, though it's what I want to see, is definitely taking a toll on me. It's heavy sweet friends. And there are some things I am just, let's be honest... running from. My head and my heart are at war. Could be why I'm feeling so empty...right? Fear.... rearing it's ugly head. I'm so tired. And life is throwing me a few curveballs here this past week, right on the heels of a really difficult weekend, something else came crashing in. And it's so left field... I can't help but think the enemy is orchestrating it. Sometimes, ya just know because things don't even make sense...and here I am grappling with stupidity on top of everything else. And I will choose to carry myself the way I ought to, not the way I want to. I just kinda wanna yell... at everybody lol. Ever been there? Yeah.... hanging on by a thread today, but I'll make it. Because I refuse to let Satan win in any of this. I don't "feel" like I have any fight left in me, my cup is empty, I just want to quit honestly.... but I know I can do all things, through Christ...and He is the One that will make everything in my life finally make sense one day. I have to keep going sweet friends. I have no idea what the outcome will be and that terrifies me, but giving up, on myself, scares me more. 

    Know what else? I feel really lost right now. I saw a quote the other day about how our old friends, ya know the ones who've been with us since forever, have a great way of "reminding us who we are"... and it stung a bit, because I'm realizing in this current season for my husband and I, no one here really knows the old us. No one here "remembers" who we were, who we've always been, our history ect. No one is here to "remind me" who I am. To help anchor me in all this chaos. And it's kind of leaving me feeling very...alone I guess. Everyone I'm meeting now, is meeting the broken version, the tired version, the version that just wants to give up some days.... and I don't know how to show anyone who I really am, because... I kind of can't find me. Does that make any sense? You'd think for some people it might feel like a "clean slate" or "blank canvas", an opportunity to be who you want to be with people. But not me, I feel almost "counterfeit", because I feel so lost. It's hard. I'm sure things will start clearing up for me eventually and I won't feel so lost inside but until it does, I'm just hoping people can at least tell that I do love Jesus and maybe even in all this mess, He can still get the glory. My biggest struggle with this part, is the urge to just pull away from people till I figure myself out, but it's a tug of war because I also know that God is nudging me towards people because that's part of His plan for my healing and restoration. I know He has friendships forming for me that I deep down know I desperately need and I know I need to walk in faith on the days where I'd rather just hide. 

How do you find your self worth, if you can't seem to find yourself? I don't know sweet friends, but I'm gonna have to figure it out somehow. Because I definitely don't like where I'm at with all of this today. Sweet friends, If you've been here, or maybe you are here in this same place... my heart hurts for the emptiness you are feeling or have felt. I believe it's just a season of change, and we can find our way out of the dark. "Your Word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path"... we need to find our source here sweet friends. He is our answer and if we seek Him even in the dark, we will find Him and we can TRUST at least that right now. Everything else can flow from that. 

Love you -d

A Thousand Little Funerals...

     

       I read a quote the other day that said "Growth often feels like loss", I'll probably share it on my Facebook Page because it's so true. Growth can be so exciting and refreshing at times, and then sometimes, it is hard to grow... to learn how to let go of the things you've held onto and the things that you've allowed to shape you and become the way you've seen the world. There's comfort in the familiar isn't there? Whether it's good or bad... we get comfortable with what we know. We get comfortable with what stays consistent in our lives because unpredictability can be scary.

I'm realizing this about me. As I've been trying to "make sense" of some things.. I'm starting to see the patterns of my life. The things that I keep saying "oh this is NEW"...and then I quickly catch myself, because ... they aren't new, they've always been there, kind of hidden in the midst of the loud chaos...does that make sense? I just never noticed them because at the time... they felt like the "safe place". Because there wasn't as much turbulence, these things were the "calm".... but I found "safety" in places that weren't actually safe... and that became my comfort zone. I'm mad. No, mad isn't even the right word, angry maybe... I think mostly just .... "lost" might be the best word, lost in the realization of what the truth is that I didn't see till now. And I am completely unsure how to "fix" it, or "change it". And I definitely don't want to "deal" with it. Oh I will, I have to because I don't want to stay in this place and I don't want any more damage done. 

God has been teaching me for the last several months (you know..) how to "let go" of things on this journey I'm on.... and honestly, it's kind of felt like a thousand little funerals. There's been so much already that has had to die so that I can move forward into healing, and there's been so much realization of things that had died in me a long time ago that shouldn't have and I've had to learn how to grieve those things (I'm still there on several things actually) so that I can let those go and move forward in healing. I think this is one of the main reasons why I talk about healing being so painful sometimes, because we think of healing as almost a comfort to our pain...not as something that rips us wide open first. And that's where I'm at with all of this. 

I'm not really sure that I'm going to go into much detail on these sweet friends, maybe some of them will show up as their own blog post eventually as I work through them. But I'm really raw here, my head and my heart battle over some of these and I really want to bring both of those things under submission to God before I share them with you. God is being patient with me and for that I am so humbled and thankful. I wish I could just lay these things at His feet but man.... grieving some of these losses is really hard and mostly because I just don't want to sit with them long enough to feel the uncomfortable weight of what they carry and face the depth of the grip they have had on my heart. We don't like to face hard things do we? I think we're kinda all the same in this department... I think some people just are better at making the choice to press forward and do what God asks us to do. Obedience isn't easy for any of us in hard places, but I guess it's what sets us apart from everyone else sweet friends. So let's not run from it...we can maybe sit with it for just a little while as long as we work to keep our hearts humble before our God, we can sit for a minute, but then we have to keep moving. We have to sweet friends.

I think something that has been really hard particularly in this department... is trying to figure out who I am. Right? I mean, my identity is in Christ so I'm not like completely lost here, but I am lost in a lot of ways and it sounds so cliche' because ya know we've all grown up watching movies where everyone has a midlife crisis and doesn't know who they are.... I wish this was just a mid life crisis.. but.... it's not. And I definitely feel like other than my identity in Christ... what am I even doing? Lol, it's okay, I'll figure it out... I just have a lot of sorting out to do I guess. I just hope and pray that during this time of confusion and feeling lost, that I don't impact other people around me in a negative way. That would hurt my heart. Trying to reach out and not be invisible all while feeling a little lost in myself, is kinda scary truthfully. But that's where I trust God too, He is bigger than my flaws and insecurities... thankfully. 

So what do we do with all these funerals in our hearts sweet friends? I know some of you are probably going through similar journeys of "letting go". I think we take each thing and allow ourselves time to grieve it. Time to let it sink in, understand what we can about it, what we can about ourselves in it, and why the Holy Spirit wants it to go. I think these are all really important things that will help us with the grieving process as we let go of dreams we've had for our lives, maybe some passions that used to fuel our fire for life but now, just memories, maybe friendships that we lost or had to let go of, maybe relationships with family members, maybe parts of our personalities that got traded in for other traits we didn't want, maybe it was years of lost joy because everything we were dealing with clouded the wellspring. I don't really know but I know I'm sad. I know I'm grieving...me. And I know that it's part of this journey of healing and restoration. We just can't let this process, bury us sweet friends. There will be days, trust me, that you don't want to move because everything feels too heavy. Just breathe. Be still. It will pass. There may be nights when your heart just hurts so much that you want it all just to go away... it will pass, morning will come with a new reminder that God woke you up again today for a reason.

Just breathe sweet friend. This valley is just a season. Take His hand, keep walking. Joy will come, maybe after the mourning. love ya -d 

Can't Steal my Praise...

 

       Sweet friends, we know that this life is full of Mountain tops and Valleys don't we? And I have a hunch, that everyone reading this has probably at one time or another experienced both of these aspects of life. God didn't promise us anything different, He told us our journeys of faith would contain both. And...both are crucial to our growth. 

Lately, I feel like I'm both, climbing a super huge....rugged....stupid mountain, trying to get to the top, all because it won't just ya know, MOVE...like I'd hoped it would. And I feel like I'm aimlessly wandering in a deep, let's say swampy valley... where everything is sticky and muddy. I'm not having very much fun if you can't tell. Everything right now in my journey just feels so messy and unclear. I am finding myself constantly trying to "make sense" out of everything because there is so much confusion in my life right now. I am gaining some clarity in different areas and for that I am thankful, but so much is just swallowed up in confusion and it's making me very unsettled. Is it spiritual? I would definitely say spiritual warfare is present in that, I mean Satan is the author of confusion, and there seems to be way too much of it present here. I think a lot of it is also just me sweet friends, I think there's a lot I'm holding back and holding onto because it hurts too much to "let go".... "fear" has some grip here... both of those things are common themes that the Holy Spirit has been talking to me about this entire journey. So.... makes sense. And it's no good to not acknowledge my own struggle with those things right now... it is what it is. It's not okay, and I need to get myself into a place of surrender here.... oh, this one is a hard one.

    Sometimes sweet friends, finding our place of surrender can come easy in some places. We realize an area of disobedience, we feel conviction, we repent, and lay it down at His feet and walk forward in obedience and freedom. But sometimes, the act of surrender.... requires more from us because those roots of disobedience (whether intentional or unintentional) run deep and in order to lay it down... we have to learn how to let go at the root... does that make sense? God's act of forgiveness, is quick (snap of a finger) and He's already waiting for us to accept it and walk in freedom. It doesn't take God years to heal us.... does it? He is capable and waiting. The price has already been paid...... 

it's us sweet friends....it's us.

       God is so merciful to us isn't He? And He is so gentle with us on our journeys when He doesn't need to be. It's obedience... we get to choose whether we do or we don't.... don't we? How compassionate is our God, to look at us in the midst of our struggles, with freedom in our reach.... and yet we can't seem to quite get there. I imagine His heart breaks for us. This is a hard place to be, knowing that freedom is right here in front of me, but for some reason.... I can't grasp it. I'm struggling with the surrender in a few particular areas right now and I hate that. It's not what I want and yet.... here it is.

I think the important part here, is recognizing it in my own life and understanding that it is not acceptable for me to hold onto what God is telling me to let go of. To understand that choosing to hold it, is in fact, disobedience. Now, the things I'm dealing with right now, are very clouded and I can't seem to see them clearly and I think that there is a part of this journey that is requiring me to see things clearly. So I think maybe, it's not that my heart is rebellious towards God, because it's not, but I think that the Holy Spirit is trying to work in me to see the things clearly that I need to lay down and that is part of this struggle. Can't see it. Don't want to see it. Afraid of what it all means. ... When God does something, He does it with completion. And part of the healing here, is probably me seeing things as they really are, and accepting all of the Truth... and the Truth is what will set me free.

I have to get my heart in the right place of surrender here.... and I believe there are a lot of things working against me to keep me from doing that. I can sense it in my Spirit. But I can also sense the gentle calling of the Holy Spirit to keep moving forward in this really difficult part of this journey. And I will choose obedience in that, even though there is a struggle inside of me in dealing with what I am walking into. Make sense? 

I think sometimes we can make things too simple and we can make things too complicated when it comes to understanding how God really works. And I think that the biggest take away in this life, is the fact that... God works in us as individuals on our own personal journey with Him. Now the rules are all the same for all of us sweet friends, the Truth always is...we are either walking in obedience or we are walking in disobedience...we don't get a pass on any of it. But the way He draws us to Himself, the way He calls us into repentance and relationship... is personal to us. How amazing is that really?

He cares for us. He loves us. He wants to make us whole. We just have to learn how to trust Him in these hard places and we have to each learn what it looks like, to completely surrender to His will for our lives in every area. And that is faith. 

        The other really hard and confusing thing I'm dealing with in all this mess... is this heaviness that seems to linger in my prayer life and Bible Study time. My relationship with God is constant, I talk to Him all the time, I bring Him into every aspect of my life, I pray for other people without any problems... but it's that individual focus on myself that is becoming super hard to do... and I'm not completely sure why that is. I mean, definitely sounds like "the spirit of heaviness" for sure and it could be. It could also just be me maybe? Like, when I start to focus in on me and what's going on in my life in prayer... it could just be that there is so much all at once inside that things are getting jumbled and distracting? My mind is so consumed with everything that I have to do right now and of course all the things going on within that those things are sometimes hard to just push to the back... but it could be that I'm so rundown this past month that it's hard to focus in on the things that I want to think about since everything tends to trigger current thoughts and situations right? I don't really know but, I have been getting the distinct impression that everything going on around me and in me, is trying hard to steal my hope and my praise. Know what I mean? And even though the struggle is real sweet friends, I refuse to let this rob me of being thankful to a God who loves me even when I am not worthy and I will fight to hang on to a hope that He can turn all things good if I can just keep ahold of His hand.

I've been looking at my canvases the last couple of days as I've been working through some things and trying to find some clarity. (If you don't know what I'm talking about... I mention them in another post

 I am a product of Grace.: In the Fight...) and you know what I noticed about those canvases.... lots of mountains and valleys represented. And that's it sweet friends... that's what our journeys of faith look like. There's darkness and light. There's deep wounds and there's life. All of it.... represented in the coarse of our lives and even represented at the exact same time. Which is what I'm noticing on these canvases, I am currently dealing with some really hard, somewhat devastating things in my heart, and yet at the same time, I'm experiencing freedom and clarity and new growth in other areas. Which is probably also why I feel like I'm losing my mind at times lol. I'm not an emotional wreck but I can experience both joy and deep hurt in the same day ya know? Depends on what triggers a memory or dealing with a current situation, or recognizing how far I've come and seeing what God is doing in me right now. Which brings me to a whole other element of growth that's been kinda tricky for me....

And that is the part where I have to stop "hiding"... now there is wisdom here, we don't want to just tell everyone everything all the time, some people are NOT good, safe, landing grounds for our emotions right? And we don't want to walk around "sad" and "hurt" all the time... sucking the life out of everyone. So there's a common sense balance in what we present to the world, which is Biblical however, we can take that out of context real easy too so let's be careful with that. But for me, I'm used to just "taking a deep breath and smiling".... with everyone. And I think that's where I'm learning I have a bit of work to do to let myself relax around those that can hold space for what I'm feeling. It's a trained response for me, and not easy to break. But I'm working on it, finding that balance and most importantly, being ok with myself for "revealing" that things aren't okay. Tough one. It shouldn't be, didn't used to be...but we can train ourselves really well sweet friends without even realizing what we're doing. Guard your hearts and minds... this is one more example of why that's important.

       Know what else? On that note... ya know of understanding our need for people because that's how God designed His Body and this slow realization that I am way too good at "hiding" and I need to push myself to be more honest with the hard.... There is this gripping fear inside of me that reminds me that I do not trust people. 

1. I don't trust that people really care about me. (why? I don't really know, I kept people at a distance. I chose to not share my life with people. I did that, not people... but somewhere along the line... I became very skeptical of sincerity I guess. And that is so not fair sweet friends. I feel like I owe everyone in my life an apology lol both old friends and new ones... I'm not really sure how to tackle this one either. For someone who connects well with people and I feel like I'm a pretty loyal friend, at least I hope that's how my friends see me....I mean, clearly not the ones I pushed away, so there's that I guess. Oh man, looks like I have even more stuff to be working on ... what have I done?) clearly, I have no idea what I'm doing.

2. Fear of abandonment by people I decide to let in. (and this one is particularly confusing because really.... I've been doing this on my own for so long, what does it matter if people ditch? Like, what am I so afraid of?)

I think the Enemy is having a hay day with me in this department... because one, it's all fear based so has Satan written all over it. and two, It's just a really good tactic to keep me isolated, neutralized, and ineffective. I know this, I can even see it.... but breaking free from this, oof.... this one I think is gonna make me incredibly uncomfortable and I feel like I'm gonna just have to push through the fear ya know?

Not looking forward to these challenges. But sweet friends, when we recognize that we're wrong...we have to change. These fears seem so petty and childish right? I wish I could just be like "okay, I'm gonna trust people and pour my heart and know that I'm not gonna be alone in this" boom, wonderful. lol but I don't foresee that happening, this is gonna be one of those surrender moments I think and I'm not sure what that looks like. I'll let ya know when I get there. 

If anyone has some good tips on how to do this more quickly, feel free to message me. 

Well, there's so much more on my heart but... this post is long enough. Praying for you sweet friends, we're bound to figure all this stuff out if we just keep walking with Him. 

love ya -d