Lately, I feel like I'm both, climbing a super huge....rugged....stupid mountain, trying to get to the top, all because it won't just ya know, MOVE...like I'd hoped it would. And I feel like I'm aimlessly wandering in a deep, let's say swampy valley... where everything is sticky and muddy. I'm not having very much fun if you can't tell. Everything right now in my journey just feels so messy and unclear. I am finding myself constantly trying to "make sense" out of everything because there is so much confusion in my life right now. I am gaining some clarity in different areas and for that I am thankful, but so much is just swallowed up in confusion and it's making me very unsettled. Is it spiritual? I would definitely say spiritual warfare is present in that, I mean Satan is the author of confusion, and there seems to be way too much of it present here. I think a lot of it is also just me sweet friends, I think there's a lot I'm holding back and holding onto because it hurts too much to "let go".... "fear" has some grip here... both of those things are common themes that the Holy Spirit has been talking to me about this entire journey. So.... makes sense. And it's no good to not acknowledge my own struggle with those things right now... it is what it is. It's not okay, and I need to get myself into a place of surrender here.... oh, this one is a hard one.
Sometimes sweet friends, finding our place of surrender can come easy in some places. We realize an area of disobedience, we feel conviction, we repent, and lay it down at His feet and walk forward in obedience and freedom. But sometimes, the act of surrender.... requires more from us because those roots of disobedience (whether intentional or unintentional) run deep and in order to lay it down... we have to learn how to let go at the root... does that make sense? God's act of forgiveness, is quick (snap of a finger) and He's already waiting for us to accept it and walk in freedom. It doesn't take God years to heal us.... does it? He is capable and waiting. The price has already been paid......
it's us sweet friends....it's us.
God is so merciful to us isn't He? And He is so gentle with us on our journeys when He doesn't need to be. It's obedience... we get to choose whether we do or we don't.... don't we? How compassionate is our God, to look at us in the midst of our struggles, with freedom in our reach.... and yet we can't seem to quite get there. I imagine His heart breaks for us. This is a hard place to be, knowing that freedom is right here in front of me, but for some reason.... I can't grasp it. I'm struggling with the surrender in a few particular areas right now and I hate that. It's not what I want and yet.... here it is.
I think the important part here, is recognizing it in my own life and understanding that it is not acceptable for me to hold onto what God is telling me to let go of. To understand that choosing to hold it, is in fact, disobedience. Now, the things I'm dealing with right now, are very clouded and I can't seem to see them clearly and I think that there is a part of this journey that is requiring me to see things clearly. So I think maybe, it's not that my heart is rebellious towards God, because it's not, but I think that the Holy Spirit is trying to work in me to see the things clearly that I need to lay down and that is part of this struggle. Can't see it. Don't want to see it. Afraid of what it all means. ... When God does something, He does it with completion. And part of the healing here, is probably me seeing things as they really are, and accepting all of the Truth... and the Truth is what will set me free.
I have to get my heart in the right place of surrender here.... and I believe there are a lot of things working against me to keep me from doing that. I can sense it in my Spirit. But I can also sense the gentle calling of the Holy Spirit to keep moving forward in this really difficult part of this journey. And I will choose obedience in that, even though there is a struggle inside of me in dealing with what I am walking into. Make sense?
I think sometimes we can make things too simple and we can make things too complicated when it comes to understanding how God really works. And I think that the biggest take away in this life, is the fact that... God works in us as individuals on our own personal journey with Him. Now the rules are all the same for all of us sweet friends, the Truth always is...we are either walking in obedience or we are walking in disobedience...we don't get a pass on any of it. But the way He draws us to Himself, the way He calls us into repentance and relationship... is personal to us. How amazing is that really?
He cares for us. He loves us. He wants to make us whole. We just have to learn how to trust Him in these hard places and we have to each learn what it looks like, to completely surrender to His will for our lives in every area. And that is faith.
The other really hard and confusing thing I'm dealing with in all this mess... is this heaviness that seems to linger in my prayer life and Bible Study time. My relationship with God is constant, I talk to Him all the time, I bring Him into every aspect of my life, I pray for other people without any problems... but it's that individual focus on myself that is becoming super hard to do... and I'm not completely sure why that is. I mean, definitely sounds like "the spirit of heaviness" for sure and it could be. It could also just be me maybe? Like, when I start to focus in on me and what's going on in my life in prayer... it could just be that there is so much all at once inside that things are getting jumbled and distracting? My mind is so consumed with everything that I have to do right now and of course all the things going on within that those things are sometimes hard to just push to the back... but it could be that I'm so rundown this past month that it's hard to focus in on the things that I want to think about since everything tends to trigger current thoughts and situations right? I don't really know but, I have been getting the distinct impression that everything going on around me and in me, is trying hard to steal my hope and my praise. Know what I mean? And even though the struggle is real sweet friends, I refuse to let this rob me of being thankful to a God who loves me even when I am not worthy and I will fight to hang on to a hope that He can turn all things good if I can just keep ahold of His hand.
I've been looking at my canvases the last couple of days as I've been working through some things and trying to find some clarity. (If you don't know what I'm talking about... I mention them in another post
I am a product of Grace.: In the Fight...) and you know what I noticed about those canvases.... lots of mountains and valleys represented. And that's it sweet friends... that's what our journeys of faith look like. There's darkness and light. There's deep wounds and there's life. All of it.... represented in the coarse of our lives and even represented at the exact same time. Which is what I'm noticing on these canvases, I am currently dealing with some really hard, somewhat devastating things in my heart, and yet at the same time, I'm experiencing freedom and clarity and new growth in other areas. Which is probably also why I feel like I'm losing my mind at times lol. I'm not an emotional wreck but I can experience both joy and deep hurt in the same day ya know? Depends on what triggers a memory or dealing with a current situation, or recognizing how far I've come and seeing what God is doing in me right now. Which brings me to a whole other element of growth that's been kinda tricky for me....
And that is the part where I have to stop "hiding"... now there is wisdom here, we don't want to just tell everyone everything all the time, some people are NOT good, safe, landing grounds for our emotions right? And we don't want to walk around "sad" and "hurt" all the time... sucking the life out of everyone. So there's a common sense balance in what we present to the world, which is Biblical however, we can take that out of context real easy too so let's be careful with that. But for me, I'm used to just "taking a deep breath and smiling".... with everyone. And I think that's where I'm learning I have a bit of work to do to let myself relax around those that can hold space for what I'm feeling. It's a trained response for me, and not easy to break. But I'm working on it, finding that balance and most importantly, being ok with myself for "revealing" that things aren't okay. Tough one. It shouldn't be, didn't used to be...but we can train ourselves really well sweet friends without even realizing what we're doing. Guard your hearts and minds... this is one more example of why that's important.
Know what else? On that note... ya know of understanding our need for people because that's how God designed His Body and this slow realization that I am way too good at "hiding" and I need to push myself to be more honest with the hard.... There is this gripping fear inside of me that reminds me that I do not trust people.
1. I don't trust that people really care about me. (why? I don't really know, I kept people at a distance. I chose to not share my life with people. I did that, not people... but somewhere along the line... I became very skeptical of sincerity I guess. And that is so not fair sweet friends. I feel like I owe everyone in my life an apology lol both old friends and new ones... I'm not really sure how to tackle this one either. For someone who connects well with people and I feel like I'm a pretty loyal friend, at least I hope that's how my friends see me....I mean, clearly not the ones I pushed away, so there's that I guess. Oh man, looks like I have even more stuff to be working on ... what have I done?) clearly, I have no idea what I'm doing.
2. Fear of abandonment by people I decide to let in. (and this one is particularly confusing because really.... I've been doing this on my own for so long, what does it matter if people ditch? Like, what am I so afraid of?)
I think the Enemy is having a hay day with me in this department... because one, it's all fear based so has Satan written all over it. and two, It's just a really good tactic to keep me isolated, neutralized, and ineffective. I know this, I can even see it.... but breaking free from this, oof.... this one I think is gonna make me incredibly uncomfortable and I feel like I'm gonna just have to push through the fear ya know?
Not looking forward to these challenges. But sweet friends, when we recognize that we're wrong...we have to change. These fears seem so petty and childish right? I wish I could just be like "okay, I'm gonna trust people and pour my heart and know that I'm not gonna be alone in this" boom, wonderful. lol but I don't foresee that happening, this is gonna be one of those surrender moments I think and I'm not sure what that looks like. I'll let ya know when I get there.
If anyone has some good tips on how to do this more quickly, feel free to message me.
Well, there's so much more on my heart but... this post is long enough. Praying for you sweet friends, we're bound to figure all this stuff out if we just keep walking with Him.
love ya -d
