And A Time....to let go.

 A few months ago, God told me that He was going to take my husband on a journey, of stripping away the things that needed to go. He said "It's going to get dark for a while. Hold on."

I was ready, to walk through whatever refining fire my husband needed to go through and do my best to encourage him, lift him up, be strong for him, just as I have done for the last 15 years of a very difficult journey we've been on. (married for 17 years) 

I didn't know that a few months ago, I wouldn't be walking with him through the trial but instead, I would be the one he was fighting against in his process. I wasn't prepared. And I didn't know that God had a plan for me that forced me to take my focus off of trying to fix things for my husband and to stop and put some attention on myself. I was not prepared for the very personal journey that God was taking me on as well.   

You know what I really love about God? He has enough time and attention for all of us. It humbles me that here I was, preparing once again to walk with my husband through his fire, and God is like, "No, you're going to sit this one out, I have something just for you..." God loves and cares about each one of us, don't forget that sweet friends! YOU are important to God.

So my journey...so far... has been incredibly painful, but I have come to understand it's purpose. God is healing me and making me whole again. I didn't realize how deeply broken some of these pieces of my life were. God has been bringing some of these broken parts of me to the surface and exposing them to His light.

My questions here lately have been a lot of...Why now? Why everything? Why is this necessary?

Last January, my husband experienced "freedom" from something he has been dealing with for the past 15 years (that's maybe a story I'll share with you some other time) BUT...

I was ready to move on. Move forward. Embrace the freedom and the next chapter of our lives. One thing about me, I don't hold grudges. I'm quick to forgive and I have no desire to waste my time being angry and bitter. Over the years, God has taught me how to deal with my resentment and anger as it came. And for that, I am thankful.

But it wasn't anger and bitterness, or unforgiveness that I've needed to deal with. It was, well is... some deep pain and hurt that I've managed to bury and ignore over the years. It's been realizing that some of the things inside of me have died throughout the years and God is actually taking me through a "grieving" process that has been unexpected, and hard but healing. I've set aside dreams, I've stopped doing some things that were important to me, I've realized how hard life has been.... and God is also showing me how much I've overcome. How strong I am... because of Him. And it's all been very overwhelming. I'm a little raw to say the least.

You know what I thought I have been doing the past 15 years, I thought I was letting go... but I'm realizing now that the "relational" things like resentment and anger and forgiveness and those types of things I've been really good at letting go of. But the personal things like rejection, loneliness. abandonment, hurt, neglect, and a few other things... those I had pushed down and moved on. Never really dealing with those things or the way I've allowed them to rob me of the joy and abundant life God has desired for me even during these very dark years.

I'm kinda mad at myself for not realizing these things sooner. I was just so focused on "today and tomorrow" that I didn't stop to look at myself. 

Do you know what I don't regret sweet friends? The last 15 years. The last 15 years have been hard, one difficult challenge after another. Most of those challenges were never known by our friends or families. I know I isolated myself from my closest friends.... because I knew how much they loved me and how much they would interfere in what we were trying to save.... our marriage. 

But through the last 15 years, I have grown so much in my relationship with God. My strength as a woman, wisdom & understanding, compassion for people, I've learned how to love people more deeply. Even though I may have pulled away from being as transparent with others about my struggles and journey, I became more intentional in making others feel heard, noticed, and loved. And that is something I treasure even in the hard of my own life, that God really has taught me how to "love my neighbor". It has been a time of growth in many areas of my life. I'm not the same woman I was 15 years ago... I believe I am a better woman now than I was then. And for that, I am grateful. 

Now, before anyone thinks we don't have a strong marriage, that is not the case. We do have a very strong marriage, and it's because we've learned how to walk through the fire together. To put up those hard boundaries that protected our marriage from outside influences that could cause it to crumble. We've made mistakes, we've hurt each other deeply, we haven't been at our best and we have failed each other may times. But we are solid. And we know what it's like to hold each other's hand, maybe at times, dangle each other over the edge lol but never let go of hope.

But hard times are just a part of life. 

We are in a very hard season right now, both of us. We both have very hard journeys we are on individually which affects our journey together. 

My emotions, are a little raw right now and here's the crazy thing; I feel this deep need...for a friend.

And it feels crazy and I have fought this feeling because, why now? Plus I have gotten so close to Jesus during the past 15 years and He has become EVERYTHING to me, I do not want to do anything to replace that or jeopardize that in any way. I have prayed that God would take this desire away, but I have felt Him chuckle at me a little, then the realization that this desire wasn't coming from me, but from Him.

Because His nature is that we are His Body, meant to love each other and rejoice and mourn with each other. And I have been that for others all these years and I love being there for others. But as part of my healing and restoration...He is giving me the desire for a deeper solid friendship. And I'll be honest, it's both exciting and scary. And I have no idea who it will be, but I'm not even gonna look, I'm gonna trust God with this process too! 

So what does "letting go" look like for me right now? I really have no idea, but I have a feeling that is exactly what God is asking me to do and I'm sure that as soon as I loosen my grip on all these things that are holding me back, the freedom and restoration will be well worth it.

If you are finding yourself in a journey full of hard right now sweet friend, you are not alone. Sometimes God has to bring out the broken pieces so He can make us whole again. Yes, sometimes we can just forget and move on, but that's not always what is best for us. And we serve a God who loves us beyond measure, and He wants what is best for us.

Trust Him in the process.

He is always faithful to us.

more to come... love ya sweet friends!   

An Unexpected Refreshing of the Soul...

 

Hey sweet friends, it's been a while yeah? So much has happened in my life since I've last posted on here. I've missed blogging, but I have been so busy and focused on the things that God has placed in my life that it's just been set aside for a while, not gone. ;) 

I have been on quite the journey this past year, but probably more so the last 6 months have been such a rollercoaster for me. A lot of really great and exciting things have been happening, my business is taking off and I'm hardly able to keep up with it all which is both amazing and completely overwhelming at the same time! God has been using myself and my husband in so many ways in ministry with our neighbors and strangers and teaching us how to really be the "church". It has been so rewarding and overwhelming at the hurt and brokenness and spiritual warfare taking place right in our own backyards. My husband has experienced some long awaited freedom and we are currently on a journey of growth and preparation for what God has in store for both of us together and it has not been an easy refining fire. But God is always Faithful and I am looking forward to reach the end of this particular journey.

      So, God did something for me the last few days and I am more and more humbled by His hand in my life and Who He Is. I've been struggling, like a lot lately. And without going into much detail, let's just say.... I have been left spent, weary, burdened, and really feeling alone in life. Now I have many wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ who love and care about me, but my role in most people's lives, is the listener, the leader, the pastor, the friend whom they go to when life gets hard... many of you understand this because you are that person too... and it is amazing to be called to be a leader in this world yeah? But sometimes it just leaves us feeling a little lost. My heart has been sad for a while because we have chosen to not go to "church" only because ...God called us out first of all, and we felt released from participating in churches that gave way to wickedness and things that so very clearly grieve the heart of God and we as serious followers of Jesus who can't stand by and spit in His face, could no longer link arms with those who do, regardless of how many "good" people were in the church. There comes a point, where the whole "audience of one" thing... actually needs to happen. BUT, with that change, came the heartache of not "belonging" to a church family and the fellowship and care that one receives when you are a part of a church.. now, I've also realized by not being associated with a church... I've also been forgotten by the "church" people.. Interesting huh? Pretty big light has been shown on how well the "church" is actually doing at loving people.... it's doing a terrible job. At least, around here. 

But even with all that difficulty of changing our lives, if you know me at all in person, you know how "church ministry" was my life, all day, everyday. But... God has been so faithful. We have never stopped ministering since we walked away from the building. God has brought so many people into our lives who have needed Jesus, and He has used us in so many ways. It's why we are confident in our decisions; it's why we are excited in what God has called us to do right now and in the future. 

But.... life has been super hard lately and we have been under major spiritual warfare as a couple and individually. I'm so tired, in every way. And I've been talking to God a lot lately about how I feel "shepherdless" and how I miss that type of care especially when life has been so hard lately. 

 I found myself in the emergency room a few days ago which landed me in the hospital for a couple days... I've been struggling with my health for a while now, we found that our house (which is a super old house) has had a major mold problem, and I have been feeling pretty sick for the last several years that we've lived in that house. I've had a lot of things going on in life so I didn't really pay too much attention to the fact that I wasn't feeling too well most of the time. I also thought stress was playing a part so I was quite dismissive about it all. My family love to talk about how stubborn I am when it comes to going to the doctor if I'm not feeling well... but truthfully, I might be a little stubborn and don't run to the doctor everytime I feel yucky, but there's more factors involved than me trying to be a martyr. Just facts I don't really want to talk about frankly. But a few days ago I had quite the scare and my husband and sister really pushed me to go, I still fought them, but in reality, I was sicker than I realized. 

I was released and went home, I was alone in the camper that we are living in at the moment while we deal with our house situation, and I asked God, why the hospital was part of His plan, I know financially I just racked up a ridiculous bill that we really can't afford right now and I didn't understand why this was happening. In that moment of my asking, I felt God's peace rush over me with the finances, basically giving me the impression that it's not my worry, and the words came to me "He maketh me lie down in green pastures... He restoreth my soul."  Oh sweet friends, the tears started to stream down my face as I realized what He had just done. God knew I needed to be taken care of. And He knew that I also needed to see people care for me. Yes, they were paid doctors and nurses, but they were so much more than that, I felt the care that they have for people. And they cared for me well. I didn't even realize how badly I needed that. I was able to just rest for once and let others care about me for a little while and my soul needed that refreshing. To not feel so invisible.

Now, I don't recommend, going to your nearest hospital to find people to care... that will be super expensive lol  BUT sweet friends, I am so humbled by a God who is MY SHEPHERD and He will always care for me and lead me beside still waters when I need it. And to top it all off, we picked the exact moment when the doctor I've really wanted to be my doctor eventually... was on call. That never happens, We've been in the emergency room so many times with my husband and she has never been the doctor on call. And the one time I go in, she's the doctor on call and I know that was God. She is a sister in Christ and I trust God will use her and give her wisdom in dealing with whatever is going on with my health. God loves us sweet friends, and if we look, we can see His hand guiding and directing our lives exactly as He plans. Trust Him. Be thankful. 

And just know.... YOU are never alone.