Worthy of the Ask

 

Hebrews 4:16 "Come boldly before the throne of grace in times of need."

I believe this. Normally I live this, but here lately the asks seem like so much. I want to be content in every area of my life but I'm in a hard season, one that God has brought me into on purpose, and I struggle with the number of things I find my heart longing for. That probably doesn't really make much sense without context does it? I'll give you what I can...

When you're married, what your spouse goes through affects your life too. When your spouse goes on a journey with God, good or bad, it's not like we wave them off "have a great time, see ya when you get back!" No, we go along whether we want to or not. We experience the journey too.

I am on, been on, one of those journeys. This new one, is particularly hard. Trials are a part of life, and specific trials are part of our journey with God as He takes us through certain things to refine us and make us holy and pleasing to Him on this path He has created for us. 

God has a plan, has had a plan, for my husband and I, we've known about it for what seems like forever... we haven't seen it fulfilled yet. That's hard.

Here's the even harder part... why has it taken so long? I don't think it's God, I think it's us. We aren't where we need to be and we are each only responsible for ourselves in this. Wanna know an unfair aspect of marriage and ministry? ...This. 

God will not move a couple forward, unless the couple is ready. Why? Because it isn't about us, it's about His purposes, His glory. And, we as individuals and our individual relationship with God will always be more important to Him than what we can "do".

Now, God can and will move according to His purposes in spite of any of us, but His heart is that we are right with Him and love Him before we love ministry.

Make sense?

God has been taking my husband through a very hard journey of "stripping away" anything that is getting in the way of his relationship with God. Its been really hard to watch. It's also been incredibly humbling to watch as my fear of God has definitely deepened over the past few months. He is fierce when it comes to wanting the hearts of His Children. God will never force us to choose Him, but He will bend us to the point of decision. I'm watching it happen, on the sidelines, where I belong for this one. I can't do anything, just pray, encourage, and watch. 

But I'm learning a lot and seeing a different side of God that of course gives me a holy fear and better understanding of the term "jealous God". But also, a really clear picture of His heart towards us sweet friends. He loves us so much, that He is willing to go to battle with us, to deal with our stubbornness, our anger, our defiance... to literally not leave us alone. 

How do we deserve such an amazing love like this from our Creator? We don't deserve it, and yet here He is, pursuing us fiercely, relentlessly, patiently waiting for us to surrender to something so much better than what we are fighting to keep. We are stupid. 

And the dynamic of God's personality... Here He is, dealing quite harshly with my husband, and with me.. He is forcing me to stop and focus on taking care of myself and bringing healing to some broken places that have been stolen, and leading me towards rest. Same God... Awesome. 

Now back to the "Ask"...

I feel so overwhelmed with all this change. Everything feels so "uncertain" because it seems so much hinges on how we handle ourselves, which has sort of stripped that feeling of security right out from under me. Now I trust God in this process. He is never wrong and He is always faithful. However, it doesn't mean things won't continue to get rough. 

As a couple going through this season, I don't feel worthy of asking that God make this easier. Consequences of decisions made... don't deserve an ask to make it better. And yet I know, He is still our Deliverer even when we don't deserve it. But finding that line between humility and boldness has been hard. 

Realizing through humility, the greatness of our God and how much He has actually done for both of us throughout the years, all the blessings He has lavished on us when we didn't deserve it and at times weren't thankful enough for it... how do I ask for more?

He knows my heart, better than anyone, and that's why I know He will listen. Jesus loves me, this I also know...

but, this struggle is still real. Maybe I'm realizing today how the Enemy has attacked my worth over the past several years. Maybe I'm realizing how much I've allowed him to gain access to my self worth. How maybe I let myself not only listen but maybe I even believed some of the lies. 

I'm angry that I did that, I'm angry that he caught me on some hard days when I was too focused on the problems that I let my guard down long enough for him to influence how I saw myself. He is still trying his tricks today... but at least I'm aware. 

The battle I'm facing within today is... I feel so unworthy. And truthfully for more reasons than I wrote down, but none of those really matter because the TRUTH is... I'm wrong. And I know that is the truth. I'm not wrong in knowing that I am not worthy of God's love, none of us are. But that IS who God is, and I am wrong to allow myself to shy away from His perfect love for me simply because I don't "feel" worthy of it. 

Know what I mean? There is a big difference in us knowing the truth sweet friends, and us choosing to actually walk in it. It's the walking in it that takes intentional work on our part. It's us recognizing those lies that the enemy throws at us at the perfect time to trip us up and pull us into bondage. It's building up our armor daily so we are ready for when those hard days come and those arrows fly from the enemy. Walking in truth is work sweet friends, because our faith is actually an action on our part. Believing something is the easy part, living it out is the work. And that's where I'm at with this right now. Finding the truth in the midst of what seems like chaos and blurred lines. I'll find it, I'll fight the enemy, I'll find my worth where it's supposed to be found. It might take me a bit ... but I'll find it. 

Pray for me sweet friends, some days are much harder than others, sometimes I feel so incredibly weak and tired, and so ready to just "give up" whatever that even looks like. But that's not what I really want. It's not what God wants and that's why I get back up, wipe the tears, and put one foot in front of the other. But your prayers for me mean a lot. I am praying for you too sweet friends, I know I'm not the only one facing a hard uphill battle today. We can do this! Grab His hand and don't let go! Thanks for walking this journey with me. love ya, -d