Christmas Day was really hard this year sweet friends. Not because anyone was missing from the table, in fact we had a house full of family, friends, and extended family this year. Happy voices and laughter filled the room. My dad, who normally eats the meal and leaves... lingered for a long time. He told me before he left, "This was really nice, to be around happy people today, this was good." My heart soared for my Dad, he's been going through a lot these past few years and I could see the difference the day made for him.
But it was a very different day for me.... nobody in the room knew the real battle taking place. My husband was having a meltdown. Now, parts of that were very evident to the people sitting around, I don't think anyone in the room didn't realize quickly that something wasn't right with my husband. Normally he's the fun guy in the room, full of good conversation and laughter... but that's not what anybody saw.
I'm telling you sweet friends, when we allow things to continue to build and fester in our lives, it's going to spill out in the most inconvenient of times. And it did. He left me at my mom's house and went home. Then he packed a bag and left. Merry Christmas.
Sweet friends, we're okay. This is more about what he is personally going through than us as a married couple. And I really debated even writing about this and sharing something super personal here. But... it's part of this journey we are both on. It's part of my journey and allowing you to walk with me through this, I believe is part of what God is doing in me. Sharing this type of information about the deep things in my life, has become a very foreign concept the last 10 years. God is bringing me out of that part of my life. Will I be careful what I do share on here, absolutely. But... this is REAL life, and we all go through hard times, I'm no different. But maybe, just maybe I can lead even through this. I will get through this, God will have the victory in my life, in my attitude, in my actions and if I can bring you along and show you how to do that... maybe it will encourage you in whatever struggle you are facing.
The thing about Believers, we need to be showing people how to walk through our struggles not pretend we never have any. My husband and I are just 2 people going through something that SO MANY couples go through. We aren't special. But we both belong to Jesus and because of THAT, we can bring you along in this journey and show you, how 2 people that belong to Jesus can and will find victory and will learn how to surrender to our Creator and Author of our lives.
This road could continue to get rocky, and we have an Enemy that is for sure targeting and chasing us right now... like so many other Believers right now (yes? you know what I mean, if you are filled with the spirit, there is no denying demons have amped up their game here recently everywhere... we are definitely in a spiritual war) I'm not looking forward to baring my raw emotions and difficult journey with complete strangers, or with people that we know (why does that almost seem harder?) but... If the Spirit prompts me to share, then I will choose obedience. Because we are in spiritual warfare and if God wants me to share, I'm gonna share and trust Him for the reason.
Back to my story.... I saw God intervening the entire day, things that were strategic with how (God's Plan) unfolded. My husband is staying in a very tiny cabin here in town, out at a campground that we know well, and we have a good relationship with the caretakers there. I call it the Shack (sound familiar?) I believe this is where God is going to work my husband over or he's gonna surrender. Just a feeling I have. And this isn't really a "separation", we aren't estranged. He just needs to figure some stuff out and I need some space to breathe. We're talking, we're spending time together, counseling is coming into the mix... it's just time for personal reflection and getting things straightened out in both our hearts and minds.
Is this a little scary? yes it is. Because I can only control me. My heart and mind are full all on their own and I am completely exhausted in every single way. And life is still going on... quickly and full. I own a business, I have plans for this business, a dream and a direction that GOD has placed in my heart for my business. And a determination that this time... the Enemy is NOT going to stop me or hold me back from accomplishing what God has placed in my heart to do, even though I believe that is exactly part of what is happening here with all of this. I'm having a very hard time concentrating on the things I wish I could concentrate on and instead, I'm worried about the state my husband is in and how I am supposed to move forward in all of this. Sometimes life just isn't fair is it sweet friends? But, God didn't promise a world of "fair" did He? No, but He does promise to walk with us and guide us through all the chaos and crazy of this world. And that is exactly what I plan to do, hopefully once I can catch up on some much needed sleep. Not tonight though, it's New Year's and we already committed to a community party.
(long sigh) I want to be full of joy, but today, I'm just so tired. My smile won't be fake, because I can smile in this, yes it's painful, yes it continues to hurt, yes I feel insecure, yes, I'm a little angry that we are wasting our time on our own selfishness... but I have seen God's hand in my life so much lately that to ignore His presence and care in our lives would be the stupidest thing I could do right now. He is in control of what is happening in my life right now, my faith has to take action and trust that He is working in my life, in my husband's life. I don't feel worthy to encourage a friend... but I will. I don't feel worthy to touch base with couples we have counseled recently, but I will. Because HE is faithful to the work HE does. Thankfully, we don't take credit for the work God does in other people's lives, we know we are only vessels He CHOOSES to use, when we are walking with Him, not people He NEEDS to do His work. And that's why I can smile in the midst of this storm, and encourage when I feel so weak... Because HE is God and I am not. And honestly for that, I am so thankful.
It's about time for my husband to get off work and come here so we can go to the party together. Bring in the new year and whatever that entails. Do I have any new year's resolutions? lol... I think I'm just gonna take it one day at a time for a while and my only goal is that I choose to walk in obedience everyday to the God who holds my future, who created me and loves me, and because He lives... I know I can face tomorrow.
Happy New Year sweet friends. love ya - d
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