I have been on quite the journey this past year, but probably more so the last 6 months have been such a rollercoaster for me. A lot of really great and exciting things have been happening, my business is taking off and I'm hardly able to keep up with it all which is both amazing and completely overwhelming at the same time! God has been using myself and my husband in so many ways in ministry with our neighbors and strangers and teaching us how to really be the "church". It has been so rewarding and overwhelming at the hurt and brokenness and spiritual warfare taking place right in our own backyards. My husband has experienced some long awaited freedom and we are currently on a journey of growth and preparation for what God has in store for both of us together and it has not been an easy refining fire. But God is always Faithful and I am looking forward to reach the end of this particular journey.
So, God did something for me the last few days and I am more and more humbled by His hand in my life and Who He Is. I've been struggling, like a lot lately. And without going into much detail, let's just say.... I have been left spent, weary, burdened, and really feeling alone in life. Now I have many wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ who love and care about me, but my role in most people's lives, is the listener, the leader, the pastor, the friend whom they go to when life gets hard... many of you understand this because you are that person too... and it is amazing to be called to be a leader in this world yeah? But sometimes it just leaves us feeling a little lost. My heart has been sad for a while because we have chosen to not go to "church" only because ...God called us out first of all, and we felt released from participating in churches that gave way to wickedness and things that so very clearly grieve the heart of God and we as serious followers of Jesus who can't stand by and spit in His face, could no longer link arms with those who do, regardless of how many "good" people were in the church. There comes a point, where the whole "audience of one" thing... actually needs to happen. BUT, with that change, came the heartache of not "belonging" to a church family and the fellowship and care that one receives when you are a part of a church.. now, I've also realized by not being associated with a church... I've also been forgotten by the "church" people.. Interesting huh? Pretty big light has been shown on how well the "church" is actually doing at loving people.... it's doing a terrible job. At least, around here.
But even with all that difficulty of changing our lives, if you know me at all in person, you know how "church ministry" was my life, all day, everyday. But... God has been so faithful. We have never stopped ministering since we walked away from the building. God has brought so many people into our lives who have needed Jesus, and He has used us in so many ways. It's why we are confident in our decisions; it's why we are excited in what God has called us to do right now and in the future.
But.... life has been super hard lately and we have been under major spiritual warfare as a couple and individually. I'm so tired, in every way. And I've been talking to God a lot lately about how I feel "shepherdless" and how I miss that type of care especially when life has been so hard lately.
I found myself in the emergency room a few days ago which landed me in the hospital for a couple days... I've been struggling with my health for a while now, we found that our house (which is a super old house) has had a major mold problem, and I have been feeling pretty sick for the last several years that we've lived in that house. I've had a lot of things going on in life so I didn't really pay too much attention to the fact that I wasn't feeling too well most of the time. I also thought stress was playing a part so I was quite dismissive about it all. My family love to talk about how stubborn I am when it comes to going to the doctor if I'm not feeling well... but truthfully, I might be a little stubborn and don't run to the doctor everytime I feel yucky, but there's more factors involved than me trying to be a martyr. Just facts I don't really want to talk about frankly. But a few days ago I had quite the scare and my husband and sister really pushed me to go, I still fought them, but in reality, I was sicker than I realized.
I was released and went home, I was alone in the camper that we are living in at the moment while we deal with our house situation, and I asked God, why the hospital was part of His plan, I know financially I just racked up a ridiculous bill that we really can't afford right now and I didn't understand why this was happening. In that moment of my asking, I felt God's peace rush over me with the finances, basically giving me the impression that it's not my worry, and the words came to me "He maketh me lie down in green pastures... He restoreth my soul." Oh sweet friends, the tears started to stream down my face as I realized what He had just done. God knew I needed to be taken care of. And He knew that I also needed to see people care for me. Yes, they were paid doctors and nurses, but they were so much more than that, I felt the care that they have for people. And they cared for me well. I didn't even realize how badly I needed that. I was able to just rest for once and let others care about me for a little while and my soul needed that refreshing. To not feel so invisible.
Now, I don't recommend, going to your nearest hospital to find people to care... that will be super expensive lol BUT sweet friends, I am so humbled by a God who is MY SHEPHERD and He will always care for me and lead me beside still waters when I need it. And to top it all off, we picked the exact moment when the doctor I've really wanted to be my doctor eventually... was on call. That never happens, We've been in the emergency room so many times with my husband and she has never been the doctor on call. And the one time I go in, she's the doctor on call and I know that was God. She is a sister in Christ and I trust God will use her and give her wisdom in dealing with whatever is going on with my health. God loves us sweet friends, and if we look, we can see His hand guiding and directing our lives exactly as He plans. Trust Him. Be thankful.
And just know.... YOU are never alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment