An unexpected "feeling" of breakthrough.

     

     Something unexpected happened last night, I'm still in it, still processing it, it's still incredibly raw. I don't really want to blog about it but I really feel a stirring in my spirit that I need to, whether it's for me or for you I have no idea but I'll be obedient even in this raw moment. Bare with me I guess as I process.

We've had a hard week, with Dad being sick, our schedules have all been changed around and you make adjustments to do what's needed. Shawn has been staying with my Dad and so we haven't seen each other really and I've had the house to myself all week. It's been nice. That sounds mean I know, but there's not peace in my home and I can't ever seem to actually "rest" when I'm home. It's not loud, Shawn is incredibly calm. Too calm. Which unnerves me in and of itself, because under that "calm" is complete turmoil. I know it, he knows it, both of us feel it. I'm a processor, I'm a problem solver, and I don't like to stay stuck in places that I know aren't good for me (I say that now after years of putting up with what has not been good for me....some things just took me a little longer to realize I guess) but my husband likes to just ignore issues and hope they change on their own apparently, he keeps waiting for things to "change" and refuses to understand that he actually holds the key to that. Or maybe he does understand that...I don't really know anymore. Regardless, my nervous system doesn't handle that well, and "calm" is anything but "calm" to me. So it's been nice not feeling that all week ya know? And that makes me a little sad at that realization at how much "calmer" I feel at home by myself.

He called me last night, it was hard. He's been so good to go and take care of Dad, to sacrifice his comfort for the well being of my Dad and knowing that I need to be taking care of my business, ect. But at the same time.... here it came, a dumping of all the responsibility that we'd been talking about for the last 3 weeks...not just this past one week where he sacrificed his time for my Dad, but the last 3 weeks that I told him I simply cannot take care of everything and begged him not to add any more pressure to me but just take care of his share. And in true fashion....he didn't do anything to take care of anything and at the last minute, while doing a good deed, dumped the responsibility in my lap, once again. And didn't understand my reaction in the process, a calm reaction it was... but not the one he was expecting and one I'm sure hurt his feelings. And I sat there after he quickly said goodbye and got off the phone... and then it happened.

You know how this entire past year, on this healing journey is what I've been calling it, cuz it is, doesn't always feel like healing but that's what God is doing, this past year I've dealt with the feeling of disappointment, in my husband for treating me the way he did, for not changing to be better, for not leading the way he should've, for not running to God instead of away from Him only causing himself and all of us more hurt, disappointment in myself for not seeing things more clearly, for getting distracted and taking my eyes off of God and allowing myself to become someone who embraced lies and allowed them to change me, for putting up with things I knew were wrong. For hiding and isolating.

I've dealt with the feeling of frustration, learning how to "let go" and understand that there are things that I have absolutely no control over whatsoever, learning to be okay with not being responsible for other people. Frustration over what "Could" change with effort, but "won't" because of pride...and learning how to step out of the way and let pride take the fall even though it hurts to watch the pain of those decisions and it hurts me and everyone else who don't deserve the consequences but are close enough to feel them. Frustration in realizing just how much selfishness is present and dealing with the understanding that your place in people's lives aren't as "important" as you thought it was.

I've dealt with the feeling of anger... this was a hard one, trying to keep myself on the right side of not sinning because of the anger ... for the most part, I was able to walk in God's grace during this, still am walking all these feelings out, so I haven't arrived yet and some days are definitely harder than others. I often recognize the Enemy in this particular battle of emotions, trying to get me to slip up here and jeopardize my character. He's easy to spot on this one, the others not so much, those are usually subtle moves but it takes an awful lot to get me angry, and he usually has to use other people to do so, mainly my husband...so usually easy to see it. But even without heated moments, I've had to deal with anger over the situation. I'm angry that we're even in these situations, because we shouldn't be. We know better. We know what the right thing to do, we know WHO holds the answers and the ability to help us change and rise above the chaos...I'm angry that is rejected all the time and I'm angry when I hear about the consequences of doing things on our own. I'm angry over stupid decisions and pity parties.

But this new feeling....surprised me last night. It was like something happened and a new level was "opened".... I realized something, I've been numb sweet friends. Numb. I knew that, but what I didn't realize was that numbness reached way deeper than I thought. I know it's been a survival mechanism, that makes sense, there are days that I can feel it, I usually just acknowledge it and keep moving through it....but I've been numb and it's like, God pulled open a new layer to this healing and it's..... 

Hurt. I FEEL the hurt now. I can FEEL the wounds that I've been carrying. It is painful. The tears I'm crying bare more weight this morning....and that makes sense to me. I've struggled with some things on this journey, not understanding why I'm not more upset about some things, why I'm too tired to pray anymore about some things.... but this, this makes sense now.... I couldn't feel them. God's timing sweet friends... He knows and He moves us in ways we don't understand. I'm glad I couldn't feel this earlier... I don't think I could've handled this earlier. It's painful now, and I don't like it.... but I needed to feel this. Because we are hitting roots. And I need to get things out by the root. I'm also feeling the ACHE of my marriage. That's new. I've been so tired sweet friends, just making it through each day and trying to work through, disappointment, frustration, anger, trying to hold on to hope..... but I've felt confused, I think because I was numb.. some days I just went through the motions of what I knew was right, but I just didn't feel anything. You know, God talks about "practicing" obedience, oh don't quote me today but you can look it up, it's somewhere in there... and I think that makes sense.... because faith isn't about feelings... and it's not about "works".... it's about obedience and we don't need feelings or works to match up in obedience does that make sense? It's about a heart condition always, but our heart condition doesn't have to produce the "right" feelings in those moments... I mean, our heart can posture in surrender towards the truth and obedience of what God calls us to do... and our feelings and our works can catch up. "Be ANGRY but DO NOT SIN in your ANGER".... we can BE angry and still NOT sin. Heart posture. 

Faith is hard isn't it? Because I'd say MOST of the time, we don't understand do we? But if we choose to be obedient and take His hand and let Him lead us in the valley, in the dark... everything will catch up as it's supposed to according to His plan.

I think one of the hardest things that I've had to mentally overcome, and really I just kinda put all these pieces together right now, My biggest FEAR (ask those who've been closest to me throughout my life, they could attest to this) has always been....THAT I WON'T REACH MY FULL POTENTIAL IN CHRIST. THAT I WON'T COMPLETE HIS PLAN FOR MY LIFE"

My life verse, most favorite "For I know the plans I have for you..." it's humbling because... I feel like I've failed my deepest desire. Because I've realized....this wasn't God's plan for me, and I can't believe all this time of being destroyed by the enemy, by my own bad decisions, and at the hands of others...I allowed myself to not walk in obedience and reach my potential in God's plan for my life. I did that.

My heart is breaking over that, and I can feel the weight of that right now too  . But I also know that the weight of that, is not the TRUTH of how God sees me right now. And though my emotions are not in alignment with how I will walk today... I will choose to walk in obedience and in the Truth of how God sees me until my emotions align with that truth. I've already sat here and rebuked FEAR... because I felt it's grip at this realization this morning. I will not give it a stronghold. I will Trust the ONE who brought me to this level... the ONE who just exposed the ROOT, the ONE who KNOWS me, Who CREATED me, and WHO STILL HAS A PLAN FOR ME. 

I am broken today sweet friends, and today I can FEEL the ache of my brokenness, but I also know that now... I can work through it and I can "let it go" at the root. I know today is just the beginning of this stage, and I feel like I'm starting tired... but it is evident that God is leading me through this process and clearly He is in charge of the timing. So I will take His hand and let Him steady me in this. 

just an obstructed peek at the canvas

Oh sweet friends, I really don't know if me telling all this is really for me to be vulnerable and obedient
to God in this journey of healing, I realize that this blog is a document of my journey... I didn't really know what God was talking about when He told me to share it on here... I thought it was more about Him teaching me how to open up again and stop hiding.... but I think it's so much more than that (which is no real surprise with God is it? lol) But I realized the other day, my blog coincides with my canvases... which never was on my mind... but kind of amazing to see as well. God is a great Counselor, and the way He brings Healing and Clarity and the way He shows us... How He is in it all, orchestrating and perfecting, and holding us... is pretty humbling and it's been so encouraging to SEE Him in my canvases, and in these blogs....He cares for us sweet friends, He is in the details of our lives, He takes the time to notice us and walk with us. 

And maybe, blogging this isn't just for me, because God doesn't generally make things one sided either so I'm guessing... all this vulnerability is for someone out there too... going through some hard on your own. Be encouraged sweet friend. You are not alone. You pray for me in the days ahead... and I am praying for you. Let's keep walking. Healing is coming. love you -d 

oh...it's also New Year's Eve.... you know what... I'm just gonna keep walking. One day at a time. My ONLY goal this year.... To be Obedient and Abide in Him. Talk to you all next year. ;) 

December

 

        Ahhhh December, last month of the year. Where did this year go sweet friends? Anybody else wondering that too? The older we get, the faster life moves doesn't it? One of those things as a child we never realized was such a blessing...the slow passing of days. We always wanted to "hurry up" and "grow up" didn't we? What we wouldn't give for those slow passing days now huh? I guess I am glad I've made it to December lol, this has been quite a year hasn't it? A lot of pain, a lot of realizing things, so much changing, and for me personally, a lot of internal reflection and growth for sure. So a very very hard year, but a year full of growth and for that I am thankful as I look back at where I once was. I hope you can be proud of your growth too sweet friends, we made it to December. If nothing else, Celebrate that. 

So my life update this month....

       Shawn forgot about my birthday lol and you know what....I'm not even upset about it. Is that weird? I mean, I'm not a child, I don't really care about birthdays anymore, in fact a couple years ago when I entered a new decade...I sort of didn't handle it well inside. It was a hard birthday, and since then, I just don't really care much about it. But I don't know... he told me he forgot it was my birthday and I just didn't have much of a reaction ya know? I think I might be more concerned that I'm not upset about the fact that I'm not important enough to remember...what does that even mean sweet friends? I don't know.

I keep thinking I should be sad, or mad, or resentful even because the last few days honestly have been emotionally trying... but at the end of the day, I just feel tired.

I also feel super guilty for having a rough Christmas... anybody else feeling that way today? I think I feel guilty because I recognize all the blessings in my life right now and I feel like those should somehow trump the brokenness I feel right now. I personally know several individuals that are going through some very heartbreaking things, saying goodbye to their loved ones right now, right before Christmas...I can't imagine what that must feel like. I have so many things to be thankful for right now...

My business is doing so well, it's been fun, and exciting, and so many encouraging things have been happening with it, so much promise for the future. I'm so thankful that God is using this business to grow me in this journey and to use it to provide stability for me which is huge right now. God has began to develop friendships and bring people into my corner to give me a sense of belonging and hope that I can find "home" again. He has began using me to reach out and love on people and have some meaning in my life and turn the hard things in to good for His glory.

So many good things to be thankful for...and yet, I just feel so broken this month. Can those two things really coexist? Thankfulness and Brokenness? Is it okay to simultaneously feel both? There are moments here lately that I am doing my best to hold it together but on the inside I feel like I'm crumbling. Which on one hand, makes me feel guilty that I can cover that up so well... am I being deceitful to the people around me? or is it wisdom? To walk closely to the Lord in the breaking moments and rely solely on Him to see me through them, to hold me together till I can breathe again...would telling other people in those moments take my full reliance off of God and place my reassurance in the hands of someone else? How do we know when involving others is the right thing to do? Is it pride? I don't know sweet friends, I think back over the past decade of my life when things started getting harder, and I feel that my main reservation in keeping things hidden was 1. to protect the dignity of my husband. and 2. I wanted to protect our witness. I knew Satan would jump at the chance to take us down and at that time, the struggles happened only within the walls of our home, so it felt isolated and somewhat controlled and I thought as long as I just kept my eyes on Jesus, concealing the hard was the right thing to do.

Was that pride just convincing me it was noble? It's hard looking back and questioning all those decisions which I thought were right at the time but now that I realize that some of those decisions weren't right, I find myself second guessing everything I thought I knew to be truth. I know this is a common response during a healing process....doesn't make it any easier though. I want to figure out what the truth actually IS. I want to work past all these confusing parts. 

A part of me is a little angry.... it's been a year since the blow up that started us down this rough year ya know? I'm angry that I don't feel farther along in the healing. I'm angry that my husband isn't better. Quieter for sure...but not better nor willing to try to get better. I had hopes that a year later... things would look much different than they do right now. I know I've changed a lot this year, for the better but I still feel super stuck. And I've been waiting for a couple other things that God definitely spoke to me, but I haven't seen them really come to fruition...I've seen enough to know that He is working in them, so it's enough to not question what I know He spoke to me, I'm just impatient I guess. I just feel lost in all this and wish a couple of those promises were fulfilled already so maybe I'd feel a little less wobbly. That probably doesn't really make sense does it? That's okay sweet friends, some things are just between God's voice and my heart, bottom line.... I'm impatient. prayers appreciated. I made a promise to God that I will let Him lead His promises and I will not take control and try to make anything happen on my own. So I'm keeping myself in check. I don't want to be in charge, I want to trust Him with the timing... He is trustworthy and I will submit to His plan. 

Christmas....oh boy, I decided just to let the month play out before I posted on here, this season has been so busy for me at the shop, I haven't had too much time for anything else. Our shop looked beautiful this year. I love Christmas, always have. People kept asking me, "I bet your house just looks gorgeous?" lol...no I did nothing at home. I did tack a few Christmas pics up on my wall along with the other pics I hung up last month. But no tree. no lights. no outside cuteness. nothing. and that's okay. I had plenty of Christmas at the shop to get me in the spirit. I told Shawn at Thanksgiving that I really really wanted a Christmas tree for the house and I kept saying it till mid December and decided that even though I could've went and got one for myself, it wasn't the point. It's okay, I survived. 

Christmas came... and ya know what... it was hard. And the hard came in very unexpected ways. I was preparing for Shawn to have a meltdown like last year. I was ready for that, or anything that might flip a switch and I was careful to try and keep things honest but pleasant leading up to Christmas ya know? I'm not afraid to say it like it is with Shawn, I'm done walking on eggshells. But...I'm not trying to rock the boat necessarily either. I don't want to hurt my husband and I know him well enough to know that he's got internal struggles going on as well and is not happy with himself.

But it wasn't Shawn that caused turmoil this Christmas. It came from both sides of the family right at Christmas. I was caught off guard for sure and you know what? It threw my nervous system off completely. Man, that was hard to mask sitting amongst family. There was a moment, when I honestly thought about just walking out the door. Sweet friends, I am caught in this place where I am so tired of drama...and I know that's healthy to not want to deal with drama, that's not really new for me, but I am kind of amazed at how AWARE I am now of the drama around me. I think I was in such a survivor mode for so long that I didn't process things correctly and was just numb to those things I guess. Or the little things just didn't faze me because I was always preparing for the big things. That makes more sense. But now, as I've been on this healing journey, I'm quicker to recognize those things, probably because I'm noticing how my body just responds first to danger. My body has definitely been my biggest wake up call for sure. And I think the hard work is taking my body's responses and then analyzing them and making sure that I'm not just responding to what "appears" to be a threat. That's hard work sweet friends, our body's triggers, are there because of what we've gone through, it's our defense mechanism and in some ways, it's protected us...but a lot of damage has been done in those responses and we need to not live in them. We MUST retrain our bodies and minds to be safe and healthy and that takes a process and it forces us to acknowledge what is happening, what triggered it, and what is the TRUTH right now, in this moment? God does not want us living in survival mode. His yoke is easy and His burden is light....THAT is the Truth of where we should be living. It's a journey. I don't like it. But I do not want to live with my body constantly on alert and my nervous system the last few days has been so uncomfortable and hard to deal with. 

And then..... my dad....84, has been so sick this week and refusing to go to the doctor, so add that pressure of taking care of him and worrying. He missed Christmas, which was hard, how many Christmases do we have left with Dad ya know? And so many people I know have lost their loved ones this past month to illnesses, some sudden illnesses and boom, within days they're gone. And here we are, watching my dad so weak which is never the case, and so stubborn and coherant enough to know what he wants and does not want and knowing where that line of respect and action are is hard isn't it? He seems to be getting better, Shawn has been staying with him the last several days... yeah....which is amazing. And as thankful as I am over that... it has also caused confusion for me. This is the husband I know. 

My emotions are sort of all over the place right now sweet friends. Do I get my hopes up that maybe this has triggered change? Do I stay the course of harsh boundary lines and possible future decisions that things recently have been leading up to... I'm a bit of a mess right now. Hopefully we'll get through this sickness with Dad and maybe my mind will clear. I don't want to make mistakes, at least not any huge ones. I'm lost again sweet friends. But maybe hopeful? I keep my hope pretty guarded anymore... is that right? no idea. That's just something I'm figuring out one day at a time.

I will say.... the amount of pressure I feel on my shoulders right now, is so heavy. I don't know how I'm still standing but by the grace of God. He is able. He is here. and I need His strength to get me through. Because today... I don't feel like I have much left. But I will watch Him work, in me, through me, definitely inspite of me. Because He is faithful sweet friends. He CAME here to this Earth as a baby, with the sole purpose of DYING.... for us. That is the message that He has burned into my head and heart this Christmas season. As I have struggled to grab ahold of joy. To get through each day struggling with so many uncertainties in my life. As I wake up every day so tired of trying to put back together all the pieces of my life and do it in a way that glorifies God and doesn't repeat the same mistakes that broke me in the first place..... He has reminded me, that I am the reason He came. To SAVE me. and He is sweet friends, slowly, in time, as we walk through this darkness, fixing the broken pieces as they come....but completely. Because THAT is Who He is. My Savior. My Healer. and that is WHY, even in this season of hurt, I can rejoice and be glad... because I am not alone in any of this.

you too sweet friends, from my heart to yours, Merry Christmas. -d  

The Lost One....

 

Ya know sweet friends...... God has been showing me some things the last few weeks. Things about me. They have not been harsh things, but things I never really knew about myself and in this process of Him showing me who I am (which, is honestly what I've been asking Him to do this whole past year...so, He is a God who answers us, and in ways we don't always expect) but He has simultaneously been showing me how He sees me. Which has humbled me in more ways than I can count. I don't know, I think there's a huge difference in claiming the things we KNOW that God says we are and pondering those things and then there's the revelation of Him showing us how He SEES us, in all our moments, in our victories and our struggles, in our pain and in our brokenness....that just, reaches into a whole different level of understanding and grounding for our identity and worth. (another thing I've been struggling to find this year) 

If you've been following along on this journey since last September, you already know that the word "lost" has come out of my mouth a million times and even today, if I had to pick one word to describe how I'm feeling in the midst of everything in my life... it would still be the word I would choose to use. The crazy thing is, even though I still feel incredibly lost in life right now, this past year has been an incredible journey of "finding" a lot of things. So when I say that I'm lost today, it's not in a depressive way. Does that make sense? Not that I don't have some dark days where I do just want to give up, because I do and I think those days are understandable.... but I'm more lost in the sense that I just don't know what is happening around me, in my marriage, my future, this journey. But I have discovered many things along the way this past year. The pain is producing fruit sweet friends. The fire is refining the weak places. The waiting is hard right now, I'm actually waiting on quite a few things but I believe that it is producing endurance and faith and I don't know what else but I know God is good and His heart for me is good so, I'm learning to trust the waiting even though at times it feels so painful. The obedience that God has required of me this past year, is producing .... life. He's breathing life back into these dead dry bones, into the empty places, everyday that I choose to bow down in surrender (sometimes, that action takes me a few days, not gonna lie) and walk in obedience, willfully laying things down at His feet, handing Him the broken pieces to do with as He wills....I feel life creeping back into me. And for that sweet friends, all of this hard, is worth it.

      You know, God showed me something pretty powerful the other day....  I've always heard the parable of the lost sheep right? you too.... and honestly, I've never really liked that parable... I know right? what? Yeah, I don't mean it as bad as it sounds it's just that I've always been kind of envious of the fact that God would leave the 99 and go chase after a sheep that took off and left the rest, out doing it's own thing, not following the Shepherd. Right? Guess I kinda acted like the prodigal sons brother to be honest. And I don't know why that story has always made me feel like an outsider almost, an outsider of God's love it almost felt like. Talk about a revelation in THAT department, it never dawned on me that I actually felt like an outsider of God's love and care like that. Just something I never honestly realized about myself until I started thinking about the parable of the lost sheep.

But then God, in His perfect way, corrected me even further..... the lost sheep was about a prodigal and that story is a beautiful picture of how fiercely God loves the ones who stray, He's not "done" with them just because they chose to run away from Him...if YOU are prodigal right now sweet friend, God is absolutely chasing after you, because He loves you, He won't force you to choose Him back, but just turn around sweet friend and you'll find Him right there, arms open wide. 

 God has been speaking to my heart this year, but really been bringing it home the last few weeks. I have felt so lost, and alone, and my focus has been on "getting right with God" in all the areas that I have really "accidentally" strayed because of my ignorance, but regardless, it's left me alone in the dark. And that's where the revelation has hit me sweet friends, A lost sheep....is a lost sheep. A lost sheep could also be one that somehow got distracted and all of sudden, couldn't find it's way back. A lost sheep maybe isn't being rebellious in it's journey, maybe it just got stuck somewhere, it got scared, and started feeling hopeless and alone, maybe it turned around one day and noticed the rest of the flock kept going without it because none of them noticed it got stuck somewhere.... maybe it became afraid no one would come back to save it. The lost sheep was left wandering around afraid it wouldn't find it's way back, missing the Shepherd's voice, missing the safety and protection of the flock..... See, in other passages of scripture, The Good Shepherd is mentioned again as one who KNOWS His sheep and His sheep KNOW His voice, a Shepherd that protects His Sheep. I love that picture, we carry them in our shop, the one of Jesus hovering over the lost sheep and holding back all the wolves. 

I AM a lost sheep sweet friends. And His gaze turned to me and He came running to grab ahold of me in the dark and He has been leading me back home. 

Talk about a humbling month. You know what else is crazy about this? This whole past year... I am not kidding, go back to September and simply read my first blog, which actually has more significance than I realized a few seconds ago, but THIS THEME of The Lord is my Shepherd.... has been so prevalent in my journey this far. God has literally dropped this theme throughout my journey. In the beginning, when I first started recognizing it, I believed it had something to do with me just feeling sort of  "Shepherdless".... no church home, obviously my husband wasn't really leading me anywhere, I felt stuck... so I sort of just thought maybe that's what it was and maybe that it was more just about a journey of healing. Then, someone that God has placed in my life early on in all of this, God has actually tied this theme into our relationship which has been super cool and I have no idea what it really means but it's unique for sure, I've never had a theme tied to a friendship from God before so it's been a humbling journey knowing that God really is in the small details of our lives and He cares about us all so much that He does little things to let us know that He is working in our lives in unique and special ways. 

Though, He IS my Shepherd, and He IS healing me on this journey, this theme is presenting so many levels of my relationship with Him. I did not expect to have this current revelation of me being a lost sheep and how much He cares even for me. I needed this revelation. There is just something about God giving us a picture and reassuring us of His love for us, like He just did for me, that burns deep in our souls doesn't it? I mean, He died on the cross, the truth of that is enough...and yet here He is...running after us in the dark whether it's because we chose to run away, or because we simply got lost....His love for us is fierce sweet friends.

I needed this revelation, especially right now. Life is a bit strange, all this chaos that keeps my soul tired right now, literally every day, is present but in spite of it all, I'm finding joy in the small things. I feel so blessed to watch God placing people in my life that I do believe genuinely care. The crazy thing is, there's really only like 2 people still that know a fair amount of what is actually going on or has gone on in my life the past year. Only 4 people total (that are in our lives) that even know about this blog (that I am aware of). So at times, that feels weird, that I'm sitting among people that I know are genuine and caring, and honestly have no clue the kinds of battles I'm facing, and yet I still cannot bring myself to expose this part of my journey. I think I'm kind of stuck in that too, I don't want to do or say anything that I will regret and I am hopeful things can change and I don't want to cause problems for Shawn if they do ya know? I'm lost here in this place as well. Definitely a battle between wanting to do what is right and healthy and also not really knowing fully what that is right now. And simultaneously, feeling really alone and wishing I could just spill it all to people I'm sure would rally to lift me up. frustrating place to be...and it all rests with me, it's no one's responsibility but mine to be that transparent. 

bleh.

I'm sure it shouldn't be this complicated, and I'm sure I am wrong somewhere in all this confusion. But I also don't like making decisions out of confusion. So I'm hoping God will help me see the truth of what I should do here, or speak to those listening to Him and I will walk accordingly. I'm pretty sure I'll know if it's God leading someone into this mess lol. We'll see whether I crack at some point, or whether God pushes the envelope. Cuz I really do not know what the right thing to do is. I'm so tired. 

It's also brought about a real attitude of caring for people in me. Which makes sense. Sometimes I think about the fact that here I am, facing some really hard things, some days feel unbearable at times even, heart breaking things and yet the people around me, have no clue. And how many people do we interact with in our lives that we just really don't know what they are dealing with? And how do we really remedy this? Because the answer is not to bury our lives (like I'm clearly doing) and the answer isn't to bear all things to "everyone"....we know that is wisdom too. But somewhere there's a balance and I think we should be doing more in the being transparent with people AND being the kind of people that make better efforts to let those friends, family, strangers, KNOW that we actually WANT to know how they are REALLY doing. Right? I think a lot of us have lost that art of deep connection with people. And I can't help but think that Satan has had something to do with that. So as much as I'm hurting, I am reminded that I do not know everything that goes on in a person's life and I need to always do my best to love on people that God places in front of me and not be afraid to boldly let them know that I really do care about the things they're scared to share. And then just let God lead the relationship. 

Life can be complicated lol. But, I think the important thing sweet friends, is that we make it our daily goal...to chase after God. "Seek Me and you will FIND Me, if you seek Me with your WHOLE heart." and I think that is the key to everything. I am absolutely feeling lost right now, but I will seek Him in the dark, and I will trust that He knows exactly where I'm at. He's holding back the wolves. He's taking my hand and leading me forward out of the dark. Some days, He's picking me up and carrying me when I just can't do it anymore. Because He is Always Faithful to us. I love that.