As I've been thinking over some patterns that have been present in our lives for quite a while... like years, I've started to understand when things in my heart and mind started to change. It started out from a good place, good intentions, even love... but as I continued to ignore the things that started chipping away at my confidence of who I was and what was acceptable because I believed that love was also "sacrifice", and I was willing to lay my heart down for my husband because he was going through some hard things and I was strong. I knew I could handle it, deal with it easier than my husband could so being a good "helpmate" was priority. I didn't realize at the time, slowly over the years of trying to be a godly wife, that I was losing parts of me in the chaos...and it wasn't until a couple months ago, someone brought that truth to my attention that God wasn't in that. That was a hard pill to swallow.
The thing is, the more I chose to push myself to ignore the places that hurt, thinking that was okay because I wasn't "dwelling" on them and working on not allowing myself to become "resentful" because of them (which are both good things to not do) those things actually started chipping away at my self worth and I didn't even realize it. I do now, and though I want to keep going back to "how did I let that happen???", the truth is, I let it happen because it happened slowly, over time. Every time I chose to look away so to speak, a little piece of who I was, died. And now I am seeing the full result of that action because now I just "remember" how strong and confident and bold I used to be, and I'm finding it harder and harder to find her again.... in these current moments of uncertainty, which are very much mirroring all the moments I've had before.
And that has been interesting... like looking into a mirror of the past and seeing it in the present. Does that make sense? I think some things are just memories triggered, but I also think some things are the Holy Spirit shining light in some dark places. It's been both maddening and humbling at the same time. I'm angry at some of the things that I remember, the situations, the actions, the words.... and simultaneously, I'm humbled because so often those moments of sinfulness in the relationship of my marriage....mirrors our sinfulness in our relationship with God.(which truthfully, that's what marriage is a picture of isn't it?) God has really been teaching me a few things about His heart in all of this. I'm learning more about God's love for us in all this mess, which honestly, is not something I would've guessed would be coming out of this pain. It's deepened my love and respect for my Creator, and let's be honest, it's made it more difficult for me to get super angry with my husband over the same things that I can see as a reflection of my own life in my walk with God. I'm trying to find the right balance between not being okay with things and moving forward with strong boundaries. It's also not that my strength, and confidence, and boldness is completely gone, it's not. It's just buried deep and I am so tired sweet friends that my fight is just so internal I think at this point that what my husband is seeing is just the result of my exhaustion. It might even look to him like I've given up and don't care... but I'm also too tired to explain it to him.
What does all that mean right now? Look, honestly, I don't know. I'm still trying to wade through a lot of confusion in the mix of life right now. I have a husband that I love very much. He's making choices. I have to figure out what that means for me. And I simply don't have it all figured out yet. But what I do know, is that I have to get real about me. Because I feel like that is all I really can control right now, so that is my focus for the time being. What is broken, and how do I fix it. More accurately, will I allow the Holy Spirit to reveal and rebuild me into who He wants me to be? That's a bigger question because with that answer comes surrender in so many areas, and more truth. Which sometimes is a lot to handle. But...deep down it's what I really want. It is.
My body is also revealing truth to me the last couple of months. That's been rough. It's probably been my biggest wake up call that I am not okay inside. As much as I want to brush things off and not accept it as "trauma" only because I believe there is a depth to that term that I am having a hard time diving into. I'm having a hard time even bringing attention to that word on here because I don't like making my husband look bad, I love him, I am hopeful he can work through his issues, and get back on track....but I am also realizing that.... he acted how he acted and I'm tired of making it out to be "ok". And if I'm gonna be talking to you on here about my journey.... then it is what it is. Right?
Another truth that has been brought to my attention through various places, is that a wife is a reflection of her husband. And that totally makes sense. I can see this in my own life. Now I don't mirror his issues, however, plenty of my own have developed during these years of struggle.
And you know what one of my biggest fears right now is?... that I am toxic to other people. And mainly because of the inner turmoil going on inside of me, and the simple fact that I am still in a hard place which is at times maybe counterproductive to my healing. Being hurt at the same time I'm trying to heal... doesn't make much sense I know, and yet, there are reasons why I am still in this place for the time being, and things I need to work through inside my own heart, I don't want to become a burden to those around me. Vulnerability is part of this healing process God has me on and I am aware of that, my fear that I am finding myself battle quite often, is that I will bring chaos into my relationships by sharing my struggles. Make sense? I don't want to cause stress or worry with my loved ones over my situation. So I don't want to overshare, but I often pull back and don't open up enough either. Tough balance. But at least I'm aware of this sweet friends and I think that's a huge part of being able to move in the right direction with it. I'm praying for a clear head and courage simultaneously when I'm in positions of sharing hard things with people lol but I can't go back to hiding, I'm fighting for my own self worth in this, and I will find it. Not in other people.... but in understanding that I am worth other people's time and care too. And that is not selfishness. I'm learning sweet friends.... you too.
It's not about blaming your spouse either, we're all responsible for our own actions. But, if my husband would stop long enough to just look at me.... he'd see a reflection. He won't like it and that's probably why he chooses to not look too closely here lately.... and I get that. It's also why I have determined... that I'm done leading here. If things are gonna change, he's got to step up and be the leader. We had a really good sermon at church today, points that hit really hard with my husband. Points he acknowledged hit hard, which is good. And there was an altar call and an opportunity for prayer.... and I think he might've been waiting on me to say "let's go"... but ya know what.... I'm done leading. Time to step up. Time to put forth the kind of hard effort to change things. Time to protect me. Time to care about my well being. Time to lead his wife. Lead or Lose... this particular battle, is really up to him at this point. And it took me a while to get here, in this place.... where it's okay for me to just step back and see what happens. Oh I have plenty of work to do on my end, lots of things I need to fix in me and that is what my focus will be on for a while, not in a selfish sense, but in a healthy strong restored sense.
Lots of other things in life recently have been happening, like absurd, completely out of the blue, "make no real sense" things that seem to be geared to try and shut me down.... I own a business, and I am on the verge of growth, like really good growth, the kind that would make a huge difference in my life kind of growth. I've been a business owner/entrepreneur since I was 19... I've got some years on me in this department (no I won't tell you how many... just there's plenty ok ;) ) and I do know good business. And out of nowhere, boom. Chaos from lots of different directions. I see it, recognize it and truthfully it looks a lot like a mirror: of things that are happening in the spiritual realm. So before, whenever I would be on the verge of something big, or growth in the business... something would always happen with my husband. He'd have a crisis of some sort. After a while, I started recognizing the patterns and became more aware of the spiritual warfare taking place in these moments. Now, I don't react like I used to to these crisis'... and I guess the Enemy has caught on and is maybe using some different avenues to work to keep me stuck. I mean, I could be wrong.... but I don't think so. My business growing and moving forward especially right now is very key to my well being and stability. And I very much believe that the Enemy knows that. So.... I'm just gonna push harder sweet friends and roll with the punches and trust God to lead me in the business...it's His anyway.
Something that has been a very tender bit of healing in my life here lately, is how in my brokenness, when I feel so unworthy of people coming to me for encouragement....the Holy Spirit has showed me a mirror of how He can be glorified and magnified inside of our darkest moments. In my obedience to become vulnerable and share bits of this hard journey that I'm on, strictly out of obedience because I really REALLY didn't want to... He has used it to draw out others who are struggling and holding on to silence in their own lives. It has humbled me to know that when I am feeling so lost and unworthy, He can and WILL still use me to bring life and hope and growth to others. I am a leader, not a title, it's who I am, who He has created me to be and even in this.... He is using me to lead others to His feet as well. God has not taken away ministry, He is not only restoring me in it, but building up something new and I believe stronger in this process. And that gives me hope sweet friends, that there is something for me on the other side of this fight. God is not done with me, He's picking me up, healing my brokenness, teaching me more about His heart for me and how to walk in obedience in those places that I once got wrong, and making me new in the process. He is GOOD.
There's been a lot of "mirror" moments these last few weeks. But I am thankful that in all this chaos...I can still see God working in it. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope" He is taking my hand and gently making all the "crooked paths straight" for me again. He is faithful to His promises, His plans, and His purposes for my life... and I will choose to trust Him in this. Correction is hard. It's humbling. And it is necessary in order to make things right between me and God. So I'm gonna keep walking sweet friends, because I honestly don't want to be in control anymore. I'm tired.
My husband is lost at the moment. I can't explain it or understand it, I definitely don't recognize him right now. But I love him and I will continue to fight for him until I can't anymore. But it helps sweet friends, knowing that some of you will pray for me and for him. Because THAT is the Body of Christ, and I don't have to know ya to know that some of you are walking with me from wherever you are. And I'm praying for you all too. I know many of you probably read this blog, because you can relate somehow. I hope you find encouragement to keep going too. I know it's hard sweet friend. We Trust in the God we know and we learn how to Surrender to Him along this path of Healing and Wholeness. Praying your marriages, relationships, and mostly, your walk with Christ will be healed, reconciled, and restored as you do the hard things to get to His feet and lay the broken pieces down in surrender. Love you sweet friends -d
No comments:
Post a Comment