Hidden Bruises

 

       No, not physical ones. But this past week sweet friends, I have been feeling some things that honestly, have been buried inside of my heart for a while now...and they hurt pretty bad. This has been a really tough month but this past week....man, internally, it's been brutal. Ya know the hardest part of wanting to see the Truth? ....is actually seeing the Truth. Do I wish I wouldn't of asked God to reveal it to me? No, I WANT to see the Truth... I just didn't realize that it would shake me up so bad, or honestly cause such a fight within me between what I'm seeing more clearly and what I'm still holding onto which is "hope" that things can and will change. It's a battle for sure, and there are days sweet friends that I am not really sure which side I want to win. Does that even make any sense?

I'm so tired of this fight. It's taking a bigger toll than I expected it to. In a lot of areas. You know what one of the hard parts of all this is, feeling unseen by the one person that should see me. Look, I get it, my husband is going through his own battles for sure... however, when did I stop mattering? That is a heavy feeling, and maybe...it's just a feeling. Maybe it's not the truth. I hope not. But, I'm crumbling and I don't think it's a mystery to my husband, I can't believe he hasn't noticed that I'm not me anymore...

the silence,

the pleading,

the distance,

lack of joy,

I'm exhausted in every way possible... that should be a little noticeable yeah?

Nothing.

This is what happens sweet friends, when we get so focused on our own hurt. We've all probably been here in some way. I'm trying my best not to live here, engulfed in my own feelings. It would be easy to just let it swallow me up. Fighting is hard work isn't it? But it's so important sweet friends. It will consume us if we stop fighting it, it will overshadow every bit of joy and contentment we have if we let it, and it will eventually destroy us completely if we choose to give in and give up. I'm seeing the battle in my husband, most days, he's letting it rule. It's a good wake up call for me to see what it's doing to him and to work that much harder to not let my own hurt take control of me. But it's still painful to watch and it's still painful to deal.

I'm definitely not going to ask God to show me what's happening in the spiritual realm around my life. No thank you, don't want to see it at all, because I have this hunch, it's probably terrifying. Most days here lately, I feel like I'm clawing and pushing my way to the surface. I have been hiding this past year, I'm really starting to realize that. I didn't intentionally set out to keep myself SO hidden from people but I've felt some things release in me here recently and it's kind of exposed that truth that I really did a lot to hide from people. It's been a frustrating realization. I understand why I did it, I've hidden for quite a few years, but this past year... has been more intense in trying not to be seen or heard. If you get what I'm saying because you've been there too, I'm sorry that you know what I mean. 

But the spiritual warfare right now in my life is intense. And right now, I have a husband who is welcoming more of it in and he doesn't even realize it. Oh he should... he knows better. But that happens too when we allow our feelings and hurt to take precedence over what we know is truth. I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable and unprotected right now. And it scares me a bit. My prayer life, is exhausted. I can't think of anything else to say anymore about myself or about this situation I'm in. I have nothing left to say. And to a point, that's okay sweet friends. God doesn't need us to be wordsy, He knows our hearts. He catches our tears, and sometimes it's absolutely okay to not say anything.  But that's not really what I'm talking about. There's a heaviness when I try to focus on me and my marriage. Is it spiritual, yes for sure. Is it me... yeah I think that is also a part of it. It's not a rebellion on my part, it's more of an "I give up".... and not in a "I surrender to you God" but more of a "I have nothing left and I'm on the verge of not caring." And that is dangerous sweet friends, it is. I don't want to be here in this place, I've fought for so long to not end up in this place... and yet, I'm barely hanging on.

(long sigh) Sometimes, those deep hidden bruises... can become all we start feeling ya know? The more the same actions produce the same bruises over and over again.... the hurt starts to get too big. And we want to stop begging them to quit. And they seem clueless because for some reason, they can't even see the marks they're leaving behind. Marks we're supposed to heal on our own while they expect us to comfort them in their pain. It doesn't work like that sweet friends and I'm slowly learning that to continue to allow it in my own life, on this temple.... is disobedience to the God who loves me.

What do I do with that? 

My fear is, I partly know what I am supposed to do with that....but I'm also desperately grappling for anything else to take it's place and be the right answer ya know? There's got to be a balance of being able to be obedient and live well in a marriage that isn't...well and obedient? Yeah, even typing it is stupid. Oh sweet friends, I need clarity, and more importantly, I need to really want the clarity. This is hard. 

My parents, both in their 80's, are celebrating their 65th anniversary. Pretty exciting. My mom doesn't know about it, my dad is surprising her with lunch and a cake tomorrow. It was a surprise to me too when he told me he wanted to join my mom and sister and I on our girls day that we always spend every week with mom, so we could celebrate it together. My parents have been legally "separated" for oh... over 20 years. My mom moved out of the house the same day I did at 18. So.... kind of a bittersweet thing to mull over right now as I'm seeing the faithfulness of God in my family over the years. My parents haven't been together for so long, and yet, they get along and I do believe love each other (I don't quite get the relationship but...) we do family dinners, and birthdays, and holidays all together. Dad even shows up at mom's house and brings the pizza my mom likes and my mom has stopped down at my dad's on occasion and visited. It's weird, but I am so thankful that God has held our family together all these years even though it wasn't how I hoped it would be... God has been faithful. And for that, I am extremely thankful.

That is more the sweet part, the bitter part.... is what I'm grappling with right now in my own marriage. I hate uncertainty. I hate seeing some of the same attitudes and actions creeping into my own marriage, and the frustrating part is... we have opportunity to fix it, right now...before it's too late. But will we?

 I'm not giving up any time soon sweet friends, I'm just tired today. I'm feeling pretty defeated and I just want to lay down. But.... I will continue to stand up and fight until I have absolutely nothing left. But in the meantime, I will have to shift my focus a little in making sure that these deep bruises that keep reminding me how fragile I am in some places, don't get the best of me. It's okay to hurt, these bruises hurt...but they won't control me. And that's where this particular battle has to be won. Until Shawn makes a move or I make a move to remove the opportunity for bruising to continue...I have to deal with the blows as they come and do my best to not let them consume me. It's not right..but until I can grasp what exactly is.. that's the plan. 

Oh sweet friends, I don't even know who you are... I am humbled by the notifications I get on this blog. I fought God really hard last year when I felt Him tell me to blog about my journey, what a stretch this has been. But God knew He needed to work in my heart to be vulnerable again and you have all helped me do that, so thank you for being a safe place to land on a hard day. I pray for you every time I write because I know it's not MY story that brings you back here, but it's that you can relate YOUR story to what I am writing. I hope you feel encouraged on your hard days and I hope it brings comfort to know that YOU are not alone in this life. We can do this sweet friends, one day at a time, learning how to lay all the hard things down at His feet and learning how to walk in righteousness even when life gets messy. Thanks for letting me be a part of your journey in some small way, and thanks for walking along with me in mine. I have no idea who you all are, but I love you, I really do and I'm praying that You have Victory in whatever you are facing. Hang in there! -d 

Voices

 

    Okay so one of my biggest fears in telling people all these years that things were hard, and drawing attention to what was going on at times.... was that everyone would ya know, have an opinion.

and now, here we are. 

The Truth.... I was wrong, we were wrong to not open up about the deep struggles. Satan loves the dark right? And Satan also loves confusion... which is kinda where I'm finding myself here lately. I don't like it sweet friends, but there are so many things, all at once, and I'm finding myself doubting my own judgement a lot. Now, part of that I think is because I'm getting a bit of a wake up call over things that I thought were one way, and am now realizing that I was wrong in my thinking. Which makes sense, but... it's causing me to maybe be overly cautious with what I "think" I know right now, and THAT is causing a lot of frustration and confusion in me.  

And then... we've got people. I love people. But now that people are seeing things for themselves, ya know the VERY little that they are seeing and know about, but of course enough to form opinions (and that's fine) but I'm hearing a lot of things that are somewhat shaking me up a little inside and I'm afraid I might listen to the wrong things. Now, God has brought some very specific people into our lives and thankfully those opinions are I feel a little more trustworthy. Not that I won't always weigh them against the God that I know and His Word... but even in that, I've seen how I've missed the mark myself so... what do I really know ya know? But the fact still remains that there are many voices starting to weigh in here and.... I'm a little lost.  

I am also in a weird place, it's like, I've prayed the same prayers so much over our lives and my husband and I am just so tired now, I don't have any more prayers to pray over this situation. Does that make sense? I just can't seem to pull any more out. Is that spiritual warfare? Is it simply my flesh just being discouraged and tired? Is it that I've done all I can and I just have to sit back and let God do what He's gonna do from all the prayers I've already spent hours praying over the years? Is it just simply an act of Faith? What is this season I'm in? I don't know sweet friends, and I'm sure there are many of you that can relate here. I wish I had the answers, part of me feels guilty, as if I've just given up trying... but I know that's not true, I just have nothing left in this department.... and I'm not sure what that means. 

I should've went to Bible Study this week, I wanted to go. But I didn't. I'm just so tired sweet friends. And I know that a room full of ladies who love Jesus is a great place for me to be. But I'm tired, my mind is full, and my heart is heavy. The frustrations are so big right now. It's taking everything in me to just try and stay focused on what I need to be doing and to try and keep a clear mind while I'm working.

It's not working. The constant daily worry overpowers me and I find myself trying to keep everything afloat. I know I can't do it all. I know I shouldn't be doing it all. I don't think it's my "compassion" either, I think it's all just self preservation, I don't want to suffer the hard things that will come if I don't help figure things out. And I KNOW that it's not fair. I know it's not right. I know it's not all my job. 

but... not trying doesn't make sense to me. Things need to get done. And yet I know I'm also probably in the way of...whatever needs to happen to force change. I don't know. I feel like I'm right in the middle of the battlefield. A battle I'm fighting in, but one I'm also supposed to get out of the way of.  How do I do both those things? How do I not get wounded in the process? How to I fight the battle, from the sidelines?

I am so confused. And honestly, I feel like I'm probably doing everything wrong. Oh sweet friends... life can be hard yeah? And yet, God is still faithful as we flail about, sometimes forgetting to listen to what He's quietly speaking to us as we keep running our mouths in despair. Man, He must get frustrated sometimes. Of course He does, just like He did with the Israelites, who kept running their mouths, not listening, heaping curses on themselves and asking God why everything was happening to them over and over again... and God's like "well...stop being disobedient morons."   (clearly I paraphrased) 

And the most painful thing in all this, is my slow realization that I too, have been disobedient all this time. Not intentionally and that helps a little bit. There is willful disobedience which God is really harsh about in His Word for sure, but He also talks about unintentional disobedience. Both are wrong, just one carries a harsher punishment than the other. But once we KNOW the Truth... we are held accountable with what we do with it right? And that's where I'm finding myself now. And it is HARD to try to figure out these lines of obedience in the MIDST of the chaos. It would be easier to run and only deal with me. But that's not where I'm at sweet friends and now I have to seek the Truth and what is Right, here in the midst of the hard, the unsure, the unpredictable, the hurt.... and try not to get swallowed up in it. 

Everything I know, is being challenged right now, down to it's core. And that's okay, I think it's part of that Refining Fire, but it is pretty painful sweet friends. Challenging what I have believed vs. what is actual truth. Finding God's heart not only for me but for my marriage and my husband. Understanding what is selfish on my part and what is sacrificial. What is acceptable, and what is not. What is my role here in all of this. How do I move forward in my own journey of healing without losing sight of my marriage. These are hard questions and honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing...I've never been here before. 

I know what people think. People who care. People who mean well. People who love the Lord. But at the end of the day....I have to make the right decisions, not based on my feelings, but on Truth. On what God is telling me.

I just wish I could hear His voice a little more clearly. I think my heart might be getting in the way of that. And I need to figure out how to hear His voice past all the chaos within. Pray for me sweet friends, I don't want to move in any direction unless I know it's where I'm supposed to be. And I don't want to stay here either.

If you are facing your own heart today and can't hear your Master's voice... I encourage you, don't ignore that fact. We cannot do this well without Him. Find time to sit at His feet, and don't give up until the noise quiets down. He is faithful. He is speaking. Read His Word, and learn how to listen sweet friends. It might not be today, It might not be tomorrow. But be diligent, it will come as we learn. how. to. listen.

love ya -d  

"Hush, Fear".... I'm not listening anymore.

 

      I sat at the park today, all day...just taking some time to work through some things in my heart and mind. I am so thankful for a peaceful place I can retreat to close to home, when home isn't the peaceful place ya know? I love this park, I spent a lot of my teen years hanging out in this park, so it kind of feels like home too ya know? Oh sweet friends, my heart is heavy with so many realizations these past couple of weeks. It's okay, I'm okay. It's just a lot to try to pull apart and grasp. 

I know what I need to do, and I will do it. But not today. I'm not ready for what's coming. I could barely fight the small battles today. I learned something about myself today as I've been reflecting on the past few years, this past year, and planning ahead..... I had no idea how much "fear" had creeped into a lot of crevices of my life. I felt it today, several times as I focused on what in the world I've been doing all this time. I'm pretty mad about it. How did it get there? How did I not recognize it for what it was? How did I become so fearful? It's stupid and I hate it. But, I can't deny it's there. My body won't let me ignore it either... and I think that's the part that is waking me up to my reality. I have to change this, I have to deal with and get rid of the fear. All of it. 

Some things are a bit jumbled, I'm sure many of you understand what I'm talking about. Everything can get a little blurry but once we start pulling things apart and taking a better look, sometimes we can see it. Of course, the Holy Spirit is pretty good about shining a light on things. At first I was begging God for clarity, now.... I've figuratively got my bags packed! I just wanna run... but that's my flesh. My spirit knows better, and wants better. So I'll stay and fight. 

You know what I'm most discouraged and infuriated with? I let the Enemy come into my life and take things from me, some he even got me to hand over freely because I was so worn down, I didn't notice him working to destroy and frankly neutralize me. I was so focused on my husband being attacked by him I didn't realize how much of a target I was too. How did I not notice? How did I not just KNOW this? Where was my brain? And you know what the Enemy replaced those precious things I handed over with? Fear. Yeah, because every time I handed over a piece of who I was, a passion that brought me joy and honor to God through it's use, a piece that defined me as a person... it was replaced with a fear of unworthiness, because my identity was disappearing piece by piece over the years. Now my identity is in Christ, that's not what I'm talking about, I'm talking about all the things that made me, me. I let so many things die off over the years, and I just chalked it up to .... that's life, people change, it's just for a time, I'll find new things to do...of course, I never really did find "new" things. I just slowly disappeared. To say that I'm livid over this is an understatement. I'm trying to keep this anger at an acceptable place. Keep it as a righteous anger focused on the enemy and not turn it on myself for being careless with all the things God has given me. I know God's heart for me sweet friends, and because of that, I believe I can stay on the right side of this anger, and I can see His compassion over me all these years as He watched me struggle with the truth. His heart probably broke more than mine did, right? He loves us and He still chooses us when we can't see things clearly. And for that I am thankful.

    When I handed over my voice, my choices, my desires, my plans in exchange for "peace" oh not real peace, just calmer storms. I stopped making my own decisions.... man, if you know me at all, the old me, you'd be scratching your head right now. Yes, the incredibly independent, strong, capable woman... stopped having a voice, because I chose to. And looking back, it breaks my own heart. It was unnecessary, I just fooled myself, or was fooled into believing it was the "best thing". That's embarrassing to admit. I can't even believe it myself really but there it is, in my face, staring at me bold and confident. I lost my joy at times... because of this. I have joy now, it's never left completely, but at times I couldn't find it... now I understand why.  

Right now I feel the pressure from others to get this boldness back. It's good pressure, it's right. But the emotions tied to this realization are a bit loud inside. This woman I used to be, is still here... she's just a little lost. I'll find her sweet friends. God has been calling this part of me to the surface for a while now, but He's revealing the parts that need healed and let go of in this process of restoration. And now that I'm seeing the bigger picture of my life, I'm kind of glad God didn't do what I asked early on this year and "hurry up" with this process so I can move on. I'm thankful He slowed me down a bit. It's too much all at once. And now I'm seeing the layers over time that got me to this place. The Enemy works slow and subtly doesn't he? Probably so we don't catch on to what he's actually doing.... destroying us bit by bit. 

My husband keeps talking about our future. Plans we've had, some goals we had been working towards, hope of a promising life. I can't see it anymore. I can only see tomorrow and that's the harsh truth. He doesn't know that's where I'm at right now. I don't think it would be that beneficial to tell him either. His talks about the future seem to be the only glimmer he has right now, so I'll let him hold on to it, and I'm just gonna hold onto God's hand because I have no idea what my future holds. But God does and for now, I'm just going to have to trust Him with all of it. It's all I can do. And see, even in that, "fear of the future"... it's way too much fear creeping into my life. 

The point of all this, I recognize it sweet friends. I can see it. I'm angry about it. I don't plan on keeping it either. I will get it out of my life. Every action I take that hesitates with fear... I will crush it and move forward anyway. Because that's how we do it. We push back. We walk through it. We keep going. And I know that as I begin to do that in all these small areas, freedom will rise up, and God will resurrect all the dead places in my heart. Because THAT is Who He Is. And there is not ONE THING Satan can do about it. I'm taking all the things back. 

You know what else I'm noticing here lately? The fear that shows up, whenever I go to connect with someone for myself. Right? Like I am all about connection, that's never went away. I'm really good at connecting with people and frankly helping other people connect with each other. I love people, it's easy for me to reach out to them and encourage or let them know they are thought about and loved right? Easy. But my "isolation" time, wasn't about not "connecting" and having people in our lives. We've always had people in our lives. But it was the "holding people at a distance from knowing us too deeply." Make sense? So now.... getting BACK to that kind of vulnerability... is hard. And frustrating right? Because it shouldn't be. But fear.... fear of what exactly? Rejection? I don't know sweet friends, I've never really cared what people think (I know, kind of sounds not like me but it's true.) My value hasn't come from other people, and I don't believe that has changed. However, my focus became so centered on my husband that my identity... started resting on being a "good helpmate" and that got distorted over the years... clearly. But pleasing people or needing to be "needed" by others... hmmm. I don't really like needy people lol so I'm not sure "rejection" is the problem. Now feeling "unworthy" kind of points to "fear of rejection" right? so hmmm, I'll have to think about that for a bit. But I'm a little puzzled over the "fear" that rises when I decide to "reach out" for me. It doesn't really make sense. I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with this. We should probably figure it out though. Because I think one of Satan's biggest tools in keeping me "neutralized" and "ineffective" ... has to do with keeping me from being vulnerable with other people. (long sigh....) I'm working on it sweet friends, I'm working on it. 

You work on it too. I'm learning with the Holy Spirit kinda starting to pound it in me every time I turn around here lately.... we need people. That's how it's supposed to work. That's how He designed His Body to function. People CAN love us just as much as we love them.... plus, Satan doesn't want us to have people.... and that ticks me off. So.... I'm gonna find some. Let's do it. Make him mad. 

Love ya -d