by the Roots...

 

       Well.... I watched the webinar, and yeah... it was a tad brutal. Within the first 10 minutes, I was weeping (not crying, weeping). It was hard but I know I needed it sweet friends. I won't tell you what it was, not really ready for that just yet, but I've been taking the last few days to just, process and come to grips with some hard truths. Ya know, I sat down to watch it, knowing that it might be difficult, but I was hoping that maybe it would clarify some things that I've been struggling with in my mind lately and truthfully... I was hoping that it would point more towards me just being too emotional about some things and seeing them as worse than they actually are and how I could change my thought processes. But, that was not what happened, instead, it completely validated exactly what I've been thinking. 

And I think that's been harder. I didn't want validation; I wanted to be wrong. Does that make sense? It probably does for some of you. Now I'm facing some really hard decisions that will require some really hard actions. Am I ready? I don't know. I'm exhausted, and that makes it hard to step forward ya know? I know that I'm getting ready to enter into a "fight" (not really with words, though..I'm sure those will be present) but the "fight" of forcing change. And we know the truth sweet friends, we can't change or force change on other people... we can force decision, and that's it. And that's inevitably where this is heading and I know that it has to go there. I just feel the need to be ready for it and I feel like, I have some work to do in changing me, so that I can handle the fight that's coming to change the situation.

I'm scared. No doubt. Because I have no control of how things will turn out once that first step is taken. And the first step will be followed by all the rest necessary because that's who I am. Once I start something, I will walk it out to completion. I don't quit. 

I say that, then I stop and look at all the things that have happened over the last several years and it kinda looks like I quit... but, I don't think that's what I did... I think what I did was, I changed my focus. I pushed everything aside, and I focused in on one thing....my husband. 

It's hard watching my husband struggle with so much pain, and it's hard watching how it has become so deep within. It's also a reminder to "learn how to let things go" and not let resentment and bitterness grow. I don't ever want to be where he is at. It is robbing him of so much joy and contentment and frankly, of his life. It's sad to watch. The Enemy is crafty, and he definitely doesn't ever take a day off jumping into the game of beating on my husband. Oh, plenty of what's going on has nothing to do with Satan, we are all really good at creating our own messes that's for sure... but he's definitely present and out to destroy my husband no doubt. And me. I can just see things a little more clearly than my husband can at the moment. Some spiritual battles can only be fought on our own. We can pray for each other always, and God honors that and sometimes moves accordingly, so never stop praying for your loved ones sweet friends, or asking for prayer. (I'm bad at this) but sometimes, the spiritual warrior is made in the battle, and how we go about it, determines how we stand in the end. He's got to fight some of this on his own and that's hard.

I will say, I never realized how "resilient" I actually am until watching my husband fight this particular battle. The things that are taking him down.... barely affect me anymore. I'm not saying that's 100% a good thing, I haven't figured out if where I'm at with resilience is super healthy or not. I know there is a lot of healthy in the mix of who I am, but some things I'm resilient to may not be. I'm figuring those things out as I seek the truth. We'll see. 

Right now, I'm coming to grips with some painful realizations. My heart hurts today, I'm trying to not be angry with the truth. I'm trying not to be angry with my husband. I'm trying to not be angry with myself. I'm angry about the lies that I've believed and the ones I didn't recognize. I'm not calling my husband a liar, I'm referring to the thoughts that have taken captive in my mind, some caused by words and actions over time... and I believe enhanced by the whispering of the Enemy. And I fell for them. And they started to destroy me. I'm angry that even now, I have to filter through things and try to see them for what they are, and I have to exchange these lies that I've believed for many years, over for the truth. To replace my worth with what I know is the truth and not based on how I have felt. It frustrates me even to say that out loud... because I know better, yet here I am... recognizing my stumbling. 

"Guard your heart above all else" sweet friends... I think one of the biggest tricks of the Enemy is in keeping us in chaos... I mean if he can keep us so focused and busy on crisis after crisis... I think these things like this, slip through unnoticed till they've gotten too deep. Make sense? Especially these things that are tied up in our feelings, I just push those hurts and things aside and focus on "fixing the problem at hand" but the whole time, inside... damage is being done and going unnoticed. Makes me mad....but more aware for the future I guess. Sometimes, it doesn't pay to ignore our own hurts, but we should try our best to deal with the internal stuff as soon as we recognize it. I'm sure there is a balance there, we can't be selfish... but we still need to be responsible with our own hurts, and also prioritize our worth too.

Tough lesson. hard lesson. I'm gonna have to work on this sweet friends, I'm guessing I'm not the only one here. And the work we have to do sweet friends... isn't just recognizing these parts that have grown inside of us and caused harm in every way... but it's the "pulling it out by the roots" and getting rid of every bit of it in our hearts and minds... and that is going to test us, isn't it? Self-worth is a powerful thing... because it is present in everything we do and everything we are... so when it gets tainted by lies... we have to do the work to destroy those lies and learn to stand on the truth completely don't we? Obviously I am not there yet, but I have every intention and determination to get there. Because this nonsense is not what I'm going to continue to allow to rule and reign in my life. So let's crush these lies sweet friends, let's commit to do the work that we need to do to get every last bit of self-doubt, pity, destruction out of our lives and start walking in our truth and purpose... that we matter, we are important, and God loves us even when we make mistakes, and we don't measure up to what we could be. Let's learn to walk boldly in that. Take my hand... grab your shovel, let's grab ahold of the Holy Spirit waiting for us, and let's dig this out.

love ya -d 

"Stand Still"

      It has been a bit of a whirlwind the last couple days sweet friends. Something happened the other day, and honestly it left me feeling so overwhelmed and I started to panic thinking I needed to fix the situation... and I heard God speak to my heart right in the middle of the chaos..."Stand Still"

Everything stopped. I closed my eyes, lifted my hands right there in my kitchen and just stood still. God has been showing me some things truthfully in my husband that I was unaware of and He is showing me how to stop rushing in and just let things be. Make sense? It's hard, I'm a fixer, I am a problem solver. I like to set goals and reach them. And standing still... in the midst of chaos...or while watching my husband struggle with the chaos... is not easy for me to be obedient in this. BUT... I want to be obedient because clearly 

1. God is in control of the situation and the outcome and 

2. He is trying to do something and I need to stay out of the way.

Now, I wish my husband understood that God is telling me to stand still, but all He's seeing is that I'm not really doing anything... so that's tough. But, I have to trust God in this process too I guess and I believe that all things will work out and make sense to both of us in the end. (whenever that is)

These words have continued to resonate in my mind even today as we faced a whole other set of obstacles, and even in a few moments shared between us, the Holy Spirit was there, gently reminding me to just breathe and stand still and let things go, out of my control, it's okay, He's got this. I'm being humbled sweet friends, but gently as God does sometimes. 

I have a tendency to fix things I shouldn't fix and bring more hurt upon myself in the process. It's okay if you don't know what I mean, but I know some of you will understand what I just said.  Sometimes we do more harm to ourselves when we try to save everyone else around us ya know? 

I'm also sensing a shift in my spirit this week, like God is getting ready to do something in me... I'm a little nervous honestly, oh not that I don't trust Him.. I do. But I get this sense that I'm about to realize and face a few things that are gonna challenge me in the "letting go" department. I signed up for a webinar the other day..why did I do that? I just strongly felt that I needed to. (It was God I know it was)  The webinar was today... honestly I had the time and they sent me a reminder... I saw it. But... sweet friends, I couldn't do it. Why? It's just sitting in front a computer screen, with a printed out workbook, and listening. I didn't even have to participate in the open forum, I could've just been there and listened right? But... I couldn't do it. I honestly don't know what held me back today, maybe just all the chaos of the last couple days made me not want to tackle anything else? But I'm not sure that was it. It's almost like a underlying fear of what I'm gonna realize, and I don't want to. Make sense? I'm disappointed in myself for backing away... and is it "running away"? I don't know but I'm going to make myself find the link to watch the recorded version....maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow... but I'm going to do it, I made the mistake of printing the workbook out and flipping it open to a random page today just to "see" what it was going to be like..the tears started flowing at what I read... I know this could get a little rough. Pray for me sweet friends, this journey of healing (which I want to be on) is getting a little painful this week. It's okay, I'll be okay because I know God has got my hand in His and I can face what I need to face about myself. But a little extra prayers are definitely appreciated.

Maybe this "stand still" that I keep hearing in my spirit isn't just about not rushing to get involved and save the day all the time, maybe it's also a way of God telling me not to run...but to just stand still and face what I need to face. And that might be harder. Obedience....takes willpower doesn't it? But I would much rather take His hand right now and follow Him through this uncertain place than just stay here all alone, scared, and lost. So I'm gonna do it, I'm going to choose to stand still and let God show me what I need to see in order for me to move forward in this process of healing and wholeness.

Praying for you sweet friend, maybe you are learning how to stand still too. It's okay, let's trust Him.  Just Breathe. love you -d

The Deep Places

    I'm overwhelmed sweet friends with the depth of things I'm finding my heart longing for recently, with the depth of some of these broken places and the amount of time it's taking them to heal, with the amount of areas in my life and heart that have been affected by certain things... how does so much happen to us when we aren't looking? I'm frustrated that as much as I want to move forward and be healed, it is a process and the Holy Spirit is gently reminding me that it's okay to slow down. My frustration is that I don't want to waste my time here on Earth, focused on myself and my husband and all our problems... I don't want to have problems lol, I would rather spend my time making a difference and letting my life count for something ya know? I've been that way for a long time, not a bad place to be per se... but even though I have said it to people forever that "the entire message of the Gospel, is about ONE THING... our relationship with God and are we making Him the Lord of our Lives". And the Holy Spirit is reminding me of this daily it seems... how I walk through this time isn't about what I'm not doing for the Kingdom, it's about my obedience to do the work and hold tight to God's hand and let Him lead me through it, in His timing, listening and changing in order to glorify Him with my life.

Dying to self I believe is what we call it yeah? Well, it's not that fun lol. BUT... I'm humbled by this fact that I thought I knew so well, and God is teaching me a depth to my obedience that I've never had to walk through before. And for that, I guess I am thankful. 

I find it interesting, that in the middle of deep brokenness, we think that God is going to rush in and rescue us, pick us up and wipe us off, make us whole and move us forward.... but actually... in our deep brokenness, we cry out to God to save us... and He steps in, gently takes our hand and WALKS us through the pain. Working in us through asking for our obedience in letting Him do what He needs to do in our hearts to become free and whole. I never really grasped this part of God before sweet friends and honestly, it's amazing to know that this is the God we serve. He would rather walk us through the hard places and teach us about His heart for us than just snap His fingers and make us whole. That's the God I want to serve.

     You know what I've found incredibly maddening here lately? I have been having some massive hits on my self worth, seemingly from like every direction. I recognize the voice and tactics of the Enemy as well... definitely present and working hard to take me down. I've got a few different things warring inside of me right now and they are all a little intertwined know what I mean? They sort of feed into each other. I think part of the process is untangling them a bit... not really looking forward to that to be honest. But... what else can I do?  I know the Truth here... it's a matter of choosing to walk in it, to fight the urge to allow these lies to gain a foothold, well, any further footholds in my emotions and how I view myself. What's interesting is how even though we can know the Truth sweet friends, the things we go through have a tendency to really start to pull and distort our perspectives don't they? I have felt really ....trampled.. the last few years, to the point of really feeling like no one saw me anymore or was even interested in me at all as a person. Plenty of people needed me, but it felt like no one ever really  saw me... make sense? But more than that, the feeling of constantly being trampled.... I had no idea just how powerful those actions actually were for me in the long run. I'm definitely reaping it all now. I'm reaping what I didn't sow...and that's hard. Because, I didn't choose this, but I am the one that is going to have to change it, no one else. 

   I never thought I would use the word "trauma"... but no matter how much I have honestly been running from that term because I didn't want it to hurt other people (isn't that crazy) and I thought maybe if I could turn what happened to me over the last several years into something else, anything else less....rough sounding, I would. But... it is what it is... trauma. And I have to own that term I think. The way my body responds to things even now... doesn't give me any other way out... it's trauma. period. 

ugh. (long sigh....) I don't like to see myself as a victim of anything, kinda goes against my grain. And truthfully, I'm not the only victim from the last several years... Shawn has had to deal with so much and there's so much not in his control. I'm realizing there's a lot of pain and unresolved things from his childhood and past... We need a HEALER. We have a Healer, we just need to SURRENDER the broken parts to Him. And THAT is the only thing in play right now. Can we both do that? I don't know. I hope so.

    You know what has also been hard lately, I know that God is gently reminding me pretty consistently that I need people, that we don't need to walk alone, and for this particular season of my life, finding the right support system is crucial. But.... I am so tired sweet friends, it's like I just don't have the strength to go, to do, to reach out, I say I want to do things and "I'll be there", but when it comes down to it... I just can't do it.  I think I'm starting to understand why, it's not a hard heart towards people, and it's not a rebelliousness to the idea of being vulnerable even... it's just the emotional exhaustion is leaving me spent all the time and honestly... I KNOW that God is working on somebody's heart to be my friend (I know this because I know God is faithful to His promises) but.... I don't feel like I am at my best right now (clearly) and I think I'm afraid that I might not be a good friend in return. Does that make sense? I don't know. But I think more than anything... it's that. And I'm sitting here just now realizing that is also a part of me feeling unworthy isn't it? ugh.... 

    These deep places are... hard sweet friends. But God is showing me things about myself and my past situations, current situation and teaching me obedience and surrender above all things. I'm seeing a side to God's heart that I knew existed but walking it out with Him, has been a precious part of this difficult and painful journey. The humbling part of all this, there are SO many things in this world that other people are facing and going through... that make my struggle look so easy ya know? And yet... HE cares enough about me, that He WANTS to take my hand and walk me through this process of healing and wholeness... honestly, how awesome is that? I feel humbled by that and it makes me not want to take advantage of His mercy and lovingkindness towards me...and do the work of obedience that I need to do, to become who He wants me to be in all this. One day at a time.

Love you sweet friends - d