Heart Trouble...

 

      I ran across this quote the other day, "Find a love you don't have to heal from."  and I sat with it for a minute, because frankly... that's exactly what I'm having to do right now, with my husband... heal from some painful things over the last several years. But, here's the thing... isn't that quote just a little unfair?  Now I'm guessing the intent behind it was good and talking about staying away from abusive relationships... but the real truth is... there's probably a little healing that needs to take place in all our relationships with the people we love at times yes?   

 We've had a hard week. And you know what sweet friends? I'm realizing just how much my "compassion" is running on empty when it comes to my husband. That is so not fair, I know. I'm realizing this in my own heart and I am doing everything I can to let God restore that in me. It's hard. I've been realizing just how much I really have poured out over the years and somewhere along the way... it just became exhausting. My husband is a good man, loves the Lord, has a tender heart, please don't get the wrong idea here... but I'm the emotional/mental giver in our relationship... and at this point, right now... I feel so spent. Know what I mean? It's not at all that I don't love my husband, of course I do, always will... now my lack of compassion in certain recent situations, is making my husband doubt how much I love him... but it's just where I'm at emotionally right now.... drained. 

Compassion is not the same as "putting up with"... compassion is a heart condition sweet friends, and that's why it's a dangerous place to be. When we no longer have compassion for people, it means something has changed in our hearts...maybe a hardening of some sort? I don't know exactly, but I know I must find a way to let my heart fill with compassion again. I won't be able to do this on my own, I'm too hurt to be able to replenish this myself, but the Holy Spirit can bring me to a place of....? is it reconciliation? is it surrender? is it healing? is it restoration? is it all of those? is it something else? I don't really know what this particular process will be. I don't want my heart to harden towards my husband. Last night was hard, I expressed something in my heart to him and it hurt him... then he took his turn. A long time ago, several years actually, we had a really bad few months, and one day it had gotten pretty rough, all of a sudden, I felt like something had "died" within me. I even wrote that down and placed it in my Bible, because I didn't understand it. I still don't, but for some reason I think it might have something to do with this. Whatever it was, maybe it is linked to "compassion". 

It's hard when we feel unseen and unheard isn't it? There's something that happens deep within when we feel like no one really cares about us. And how the Enemy loves this place doesn't he sweet friends? He loves it when we feel like no one cares, when we feel invisible, unimportant, unloved, and he wastes no time moving in during our darkest moments of rejection. 

My husband lost his job today. Oh I saw it coming, this has been a crazy few months and my husband has been struggling through it trying to get a grip on things. I think the job just ran out of patience. I get it. But it was a crushing blow this morning and instantly I felt... desperation and anger, not sure which one was stronger. The hardest part, Shawn got upset with me, for being upset. I hadn't even said a word, just couldn't stop the tears. I'm sure he knows I'm disappointed, I'm sure he knows I'm frustrated, I'm sure he knows I'm extremely worried and stressed. I'm sure he's replayed the many times I begged him to please keep this job and he reassured me that he would. He knows. But we haven't even gotten to the end of this day, and the focus has been...all about his needs. He's in a hard place, he's facing his own battles and really hard trials too....I'm trying to make room, but it's hard sweet friends.  

My compassion level, just lost the last little bit of what I had left. I don't know what to do sweet friends. I'm angry and I'm hurt. I feel brushed aside and frankly used... those are in other details that don't really need shared but they are most definitely present. The Holy Spirit has work to do in my heart, and honestly I'm not looking forward to whatever this process looks like. But I don't want a hard heart and I'm feeling it trying to creep in today. It takes a lot to make me angry but I'm there now and I know I need to work through the resentment now and surrender these feelings to the Holy Spirit and let Him help me change how I feel towards my husband. 

This is definitely some vulnerable sharing today and I still struggle with being so open on here. But it's part of my journey, Shawn is open about his struggles with people, and frankly, it just is what it is... real life and sometimes that gets really hard sweet friends. Our struggles aren't anything special but maybe by bringing you along, we can still encourage you to fight for what is right and fight for your marriage, relationships, whatever it is you are facing. God is using this blog to help me not hold things in so tightly. Now, am I this transparent in person? lol... working on it. It's easier to speak with strangers than those I walk with daily, why? I don't know, but I'm guessing God's in the process of working that out in me too. But for now.... this helps, and I trust it's for reasons beyond just giving me a place to land, I trust God is working in your hearts as well. Sometimes just realizing that we are not alone in all the hard does wonders. 

What does tomorrow look like for me? I have no idea. I'm trying to process everything that has just been affected and turned upside down today. I'm trying to navigate my feelings and frustrations and trying my best to be kind to my husband when I really just want to yell. I want to walk in obedience through this journey, and that requires discipline..and God is gonna have to teach me some more disciplines I think or I'm probably gonna get myself in trouble, know what I mean? So I guess tomorrow, I'll get up, sit at His feet. Probably lay all of this down again and ask Him to teach me. And then I'm going to do my best to keep my heart soft towards God as He works to bring these areas of my heart back into right standing with Him and work to keep my heart soft towards my husband as we navigate another level of "what are we doing now?".

Better days are ahead.... I'm going to choose to believe that. You too sweet friends, hang in there. -d

Sweet Spirit leading to "Surrender"...

 

      You know what I've learned throughout my entire journey with Jesus sweet friends? It's ALWAYS all about our surrender to Him. In everything. Our attitudes, our choices, our beliefs, our trials, our heartaches, our actions, our struggles, our sins.... it's all about whether or not we are willing to surrender to His will or not.

I LOVE the truth behind "It's Your kindness Lord, that leads us to repentance." Love that. Because it is absolutely 100% Truth.  

This journey I'm on has still been so humbling as I continue to see God's gentle hand leading me and guiding me into places of healing and restoration. It honestly brings the words "He cares for us"... to a whole different light, because it's so evident in my own personal life right now with how delicately God is bringing the hard things in my heart to the light and helping me to see the brokenness and harm that is present there. I don't feel condemnation from Him, because some of this stuff sweet friends, is my fault. I've caused some of my own brokenness. Now there's a lot that I didn't cause but that fact still remains.. and God has been gentle with me. How awesome is that? I am in no safer hands right now and because I know that He cares for me... I can work faster at "letting go" of those things and letting Him do His work in my heart because I can trust Him with all of it.

Church has been such a sweet time of refreshing and I can literally see Him at work restoring my soul. It's funny how some things can seem so "locked up" know what I mean? Like for instance... this past year has been so hard for me, something happened inside and I haven't been able to "find my song", at least that's how I describe it. I've been a worship leader since forever, always at any church I've ever attended, and even when we weren't a part of a church, I always found myself leading worship for friends and neighbors, retreats, ect. Because that's who I am. It's never been about a title but I love to worship, it's a lifestyle. Still is... my ability to sit at God's feet and worship Him has never been strained at all this past year, even in all the hard, I know where my hope lies. But in the Playing and Singing... that part... that part has been hard. I'm not really so sure why, I'm not even sure what has caused this part of me to "lock up" so to speak but it's a real thing for sure. HOWEVER... God has already started unlocking some of this for me, which has been crazy. First of all, when we moved to town, I was standing in my living room and heard the acoustics, and instantly had this thought of ... I should teach music lessons again. I also knew it was God who dropped that on my mind because well He had a plan obviously but also because it was a great way for a little extra income coming in this winter plus, I love giving lessons. It had been a while since I had given lessons, but I decided it sounded like a good plan and I figured I would just throw it out there and see if I couldn't grab a few students to fill a day and eventually once the roster was full for that day or a couple afternoons, then I would start teaching...eventually. My roster was full by the end of the day I advertised. lol! But it forced me to start right away not a month or so down the road.... know what I mean? And strangely enough... I started playing my instruments again. And after a couple weeks of teaching, I found myself standing at my keyboard, with my worship folder, playing.... and crying no doubt, but playing again. Something let loose inside. That's God at work in me.

We've been attending church just over a month, and the joy of just worshipping with fellow believers has been so refreshing as well. To sing with other Believers worshipping God together has been refreshing...and honestly, it's restoring something there too... I'm not sure exactly what, but I can sense it in my spirit that God is working. Now, I am in no way ready to "get involved"... just yet. I'm still in this journey and it's a hard journey sweet friends. Yes, God is working and restoring and inevitably, I will be stepping forward into whatever He has for me. But right now, the restoration and healing process is where I'm supposed to be. It's funny, I honestly thought I could fly under the radar for a bit, that was my stupid plan lol honestly, I should've known better. I'm sure God has been chuckling at me quite a bit over the last month. I literally am giving music lessons to people that happen to attend this church, the people who sit by us in church know I can sing (no real way to not let that happen unless I don't sing, but that would be dumb... I want to worship so I knew that might happen, that's on me), I found myself literally in a conversation where the current worship leader who doesn't really know me now, but knew me as a kid, knows I "used" to sing, also knows I teach guitar, and has been "praying"... she also shared some things at the table that God knew I needed to hear in this process. I felt myself panic a bit, I'm not gonna lie... because I'm not ready. But I know what God is doing...gently.... and I know where it's all heading in His timing. I'm walking the road of surrender; I'm working on it. Right now, it's not a rebelliousness in me, but more of a brokenness that needs repaired and restored before the "ready". And then of course my husband decides to tell the pastor all about us and ministry and me and music... lol. I literally have no control over anything.  And I'm guessing that's kind of the point. And as much as it makes me a little nervous, I'd rather God be in control over all this because honestly, I want to be made whole again. I want to be used in the way that He has gifted me in again. I no longer want to hide away. I want to be restored.

 You know what I love about being back in "church"... I love the simplicity here. There isn't a lot of "hoopla" so to speak. You know what I'm talking about. We've become so accustomed here the past couple of decades of so much going on inside our churches. Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with programs and activities that promote discipleship, and real fellowship, and spiritual growth amongst the people that attend... but sometimes, we get a little too focused on the "busy" and the "doing" that we simply forget about the "being". Right? 

I have found this to be encouraging and restorative in seeing a church body just be a church body. It just feels "real" .. because it is. My spirit bears witness to it. I have literally been standing inside church buildings, full of "believers"... and yet I know full well, that I am not standing in the Body of Christ. Sounds harsh? It is. But it's the heartbreaking truth sweet friends. Going to church, does not make you a part of the Body of Christ... Only Jesus can do that. Only the Holy Spirit can unify the Body. You simply either are or you are not in the Body of Christ. Now that goes against some church "theologies"... I don't care, it's the Truth. Find it in your Bible.  But this church... felt like "home" the minute we walked in... know why? This. The Spirit (Holy Spirit) that I know... is present in the lives of the people in this church. Awesome. As it should be. 

This past Sunday, my heart was so encouraged as I simply watched the Body of Christ, be the Body of Christ. There was an altar call, after a completely Biblically sound, step on your toes, let's talk about sin and really belonging to God sermon. And people went up to the altar for prayer... and then people walked over to other people still standing or sitting in the congregation... and had altar calls right there. And I loved that. Because that is a picture of a church body, in tune with the Spirit. People of God, being led by the Spirit of God to love on their Brothers and Sisters in Christ, whether those brother and sisters went forward to an altar and asked for prayer or not. THAT is the Body of Christ sweet friends. You know what happened inside that building on Sunday? People WERE the Church... and people experienced what it's like to really be a part of the Body of Christ. Awesome. 

You know, one thing I have really realized after stepping away from the building 10 years ago (not the Body of Christ but the buildings)... we have really become a "if you need something, like Jesus, or healing, or transformation, or encouragement, or anything at all....you know where to find us... here in our buildings. You come to Us. You ask for our Help."  Yikes sweet friends. What have we become really? What part of that mentality has come from God? I think we live in such a "self help"/ "you need to ask for help and then we'll give it to ya" type of society today even within the church that we've actually become calloused to hurting people within the Body of Christ, and those outside of the Body of Christ, the lost.   

There IS some truth of individuals (us included) that need to recognize our problems, take responsibility, and get to a point of asking for help. BUT that's not the COMPLETE truth sweet friends. The Bible actually is pretty contradicting to this "you must ask for help" mentality. It's actually an incredible worldly view to put it bluntly. There is definitely a balance, especially as Believers and leaders in the Body of Christ where we cannot BE people's Savior... that job ONLY belongs to Jesus and we can totally get in the way of what God is trying to accomplish with someone because WE want to be the ones to rush in and save them.... on the other extreme, is this mentality of WAITING on everyone to REACH out and ASK us for help. We actually can miss out on being the "hands and feet" of Jesus with this mindset can't we? There are examples of people coming to Jesus and the apostles and ASKING for help yes... absolutely. BUT there are also many examples of Jesus and the Apostles recognizing people that needed help... and helped them without being asked. yes? 

So what does that look like for us?  honestly, I don't really know, I guess it depends on you and the Holy Spirit and letting Him guide and direct you in each situation. But what I can say pretty confidently, is that we need to open our eyes and our ears to the people He puts in our paths. Strangers, neighbors, friends, and honestly... our Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Guys, it's our job to edify and lift each other up, to carry one another's burdens, to laugh and cry and confess and hold accountable... how many people end up giving up, walking away, living in bondage because no one takes the time to see them, or is willing to "interfere" with their lives? 

God tells us not to be "busy bodies" for sure... but He never told us to "mind our own business" when it comes to loving people and being willing to get involved when others are in need or hurting... right? THAT is a worldly mindset and we need to not adopt it into our thinking sweet friends. Be respectful of people always, but also be bold in letting them know, you see them, you care, you want to help. 

We just might be surprised how many people, will respond with a thank you and an open heart to whatever it is that God wants to do in their life... through us. Take the leap, what can it really hurt to show someone you really do care? Let's be the hands and feet sweet friends... and watch what God will do! 

luv ya -d