This journey has been full of "waiting".... God is faithful in the waiting, He has been revealing a lot of different things to me, exposing things I didn't know were there, teaching me what Truth really looks like. And I guess for those things, I'm thankful He hasn't rushed me forward. I've had to sit with a few things, and I don't really like what I've had to examine in the waiting. I feel like, my foundation (not spiritual) has really been shaken and honestly, I've watched some of it literally just crumble to pieces here lately. I'm honestly not even sure what to do with some of it. And that scares me a little sweet friends. It's a hard and humble place to be when you realize what you "thought" you had figured out...isn't. And you have to start back at zero.
And I'm not bitter.....I am angry though. Mostly at myself to tell the truth. God has taken me back to the start of some things and I realized that I was not as strong as I thought I was back then ya know? I allowed certain things into my life that I can't believe I did. Like I just kept giving in to things and how was I ever in such a place internally to allow myself to do that? I'm sorry you're not getting much context here, but these things don't just affect me so I'm gonna keep them private for now. But the concept is still important. Subtly, I started compromising some things and looking back at those moments, I've realized some big things. I really am here, because of me. It's not all me, there's plenty of responsibility to go around but.... many many years ago....I let my guard down sweet friends.
Where am I at now? Well.... things are rough. things are uncertain. things are painful. and despite some of my best efforts, I am still a little lost.
I'm tired of waiting sweet friends.... I'm tired of waiting on my husband to decide he's gonna take things seriously. And grappling with all the feelings that has brought up in me has been hard. What do you do when you actually realize that you are more convenience than loved? How do you just, lay that down? How do we not let that affect how we start to see ourselves? I'm trying sweet friends, and I think that's also what God is doing in this waiting....helping me to redefine some things within me. It's been hard. I haven't written much because... I don't want to type angry. God is good sweet friends, no matter where we find ourselves in this life, He is always good.
I keep reminding myself of that Truth because, I'm confused about a few things here lately and yet I know that God is good. So it's not Him, it's me. I just can't quite put my finger on what exactly is off with my thinking. And that's hard. I want to understand things, I want to make things make sense. And I know that sometimes....things just don't. I'm just having a hard time accepting that I guess. I've talked to a couple friends lately that are also having a hard time knowing how to "lay things down" too....pretty common problem for most of us I think. But maybe I'm starting to see things a little differently and hopefully I'm starting to see the answer to that problem.... gonna ponder it a little bit more but stay tuned.
Wanna know what else just happened? I led worship for a women's conference last week. Yeah, crazy huh? Man I fought God on saying yes to it too. A couple months ago I was asked to lead, of course my instant answer was "No" I knew I had no business leading anything, you all know what a struggle I've had with wishing I could do ministry but knowing that my marriage is not any type of good reflection plus....I'm a mess! Right? And I knew there were so many other people up in that area that could do it, why reach out to me? Didn't make any sense. I was asked again, and I said a very quick and forceful no to be honest and INSTANTLY, the Holy Spirit convicted me..... He said "this is part of your healing"....
I was a little floored by that. He was telling me TO do it, not commending me for turning it down. I said "yes". But man, the weeks and days leading up to it, I just didn't want to do it, couldn't get excited about it, struggled with the fear of either falling apart during it and becoming a huge distraction from worship, or just disappointing God in it because I just couldn't seem to focus my heart. But God in His sovereignty, already knew how I'd be. And I knew that too. I knew He would sustain my emotions, I knew if I stayed at least humble before Him and walked in this obedience, that He would accomplish whatever He wanted to accomplish through it and in me. I've walked long enough with God that I know I can trust Him even when I don't understand. And of course knowing that it was God that told me to do it and not me just saying yes because someone asked, gave me enough confidence to step out and do it.
I honestly can't tell you what "healing" came from it. It's been a couple weeks and I still don't know what God really did in me. There was really no big feelings or moments for me during it, I really just felt completely calm the entire time. Which that in and of itself tells me God was doing something in me, that's not my typical feeling while leading worship. And I saw that I still carry this anointing as a worship leader. I thought maybe I had lost it because of everything, but it was still there, I could see it in the women I was leading....God moved. Maybe I needed to see that truth about myself, that God very much still has a plan for me and He's not done. Gives me some hope that there is something waiting for me on the other side of this journey. For that I am thankful.
This past weekend, I went to another Encounter. This one felt a little different for me. The last couple I've gone by myself and honestly have sort of been able to just kinda get lost in the crowd ya know? I mean not super well because I'm a people person so I keep gaining more friends every time I go and many people follow me on Facebook so I had several people seek me out while there, which was honestly pretty humbling and uplifting knowing that the things I write in the midst of my uncertainty, still is being used to encourage others to get to His feet as well. I am thankful that God can use us even in the dark. But this time, I went alone but I was not. I was surrounded by people in my room that I do life with, and I have really good friends that attend, and it just felt different. But it was still a heavy weekend for me. The thing is, these weekends are pretty much where I allow myself to sit with what is going on in my life and try to process through it. I'm afraid to do that here at home, on normal weeks because I have so much pressure and responsibility sitting on my shoulders right now that I'm afraid to let my focus drift to my emotions. Make sense? I can't afford to get off track right now, and yes I realize that some of that is possibly running from the hurt that I have to face. But the other side of that is, I don't really feel like I have any real anchor in case I can't seem to pull myself out of the pit I might fall into. And I figure if I can't handle something there, there's plenty of people just waiting to help.
I have great supportive friends.... but they haven't really walked this particular road and I feel like they are already doing exactly what God has brought them into my life to do. They love me well as my friends...and that has been so needed too.
Ya know, I'm a little disappointed.... I had a few questions that I was really hoping God would answer for me while I was there. And He didn't. I don't really understand that, I feel like it would clear up a lot in my head and heart to know these answers, I feel like I need to reconcile these particular things with God in order to move forward. But maybe it's about timing. Maybe I'm not ready for the answers here? I know God is good sweet friends and I also know that He doesn't withhold the things that we need. So I have to choose to trust Him in this silence. I have to keep working on the things that I can control and wait on Him in this. I am angry right now in my circumstances, I'm angry with my husband and I'm angry with myself...but I am not angry with God because I know He loves me and He is never wrong.
I am trying to lay this anger down, it's not really the wrong kind of anger, it doesn't really have a stronghold I don't think, it's more just hurt and trying to filter through the lies I've allowed myself to believe on this journey. I really feel like I've been thrown away honestly. I don't understand that.
One thing that God really did convict me of over the weekend, was how I have felt so "unworthy"... initially, my feeling unworthy didn't really come from a bad place but more of a humble place of wanting to get things right with God and in order before stepping into ministry and there is godly wisdom there I believe, we are to not become a stumbling block to others and when we are flailing around in the dark ourselves, how many people could we trip up? There is wisdom in getting our hearts right first before leading others, that's biblical. God wants us before He wants our ministry.
But God showed me that somewhere along the line, I've allowed those feelings of unworthiness to sink deeper within me....this past year has been so hard sweet friends. My husband doesn't want me anymore, oh he says he does, but actions speak louder than words and in all honesty, those actions have been speaking for way more years than I really want to admit. How do we cope with waking up to that truth one day that.... we really don't matter as much as we thought we did? How do we process that? And how does that not wreak havoc in our entire system? When did I start not being enough?....
I know the Enemy brings in the lies sweet friends....I know this. And yet..... I'm so tired sometimes, fighting them takes a lot out of me. I know I'm not right, you know that too. We have to fight these types of lies. We know who we are in Christ, He makes us enough, it's not about us when other people treat us this way. But we all know the pain these things can cause. I'm here. I'm working through these painful places. God is taking me clear back and walking me through some painful things. But He's doing it so that I can lay it down and be made whole. I know this. I trust this process because I trust Him.
what does He mean when He says I am not unworthy....honestly, I'm not 100% sure right now. I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to do with this conviction. But maybe in the days ahead He will help me see what I am supposed to do.
I guess we'll see.
(It's been a couple months since I started writing this blog.... life has been a whirlwind, but thanks for wanting to keep up with me sweet friends, I covet your prayers. and I am praying for everyone reading these, that your hearts will somehow be encouraged to keep your hand in His on whatever journey you are on right now. We'll make it. love you -d)
