Hey sweet friends, it's me. Man, I have tried to sit down several times last month and type something...but the words just wouldn't, couldn't come out. Sitting in the hospital room with my dad for several days, my heart just felt too heavy. Sitting alone at home, my head felt too full. Grappling with all the pressures of my business during slow season, consumed every free thought I might have. This month has been so heavy sweet friends. To be completely honest right now.... I am worn out and angry....and grieving some things that have surfaced this past month. I'm gonna share with you all where last month took me and where my heart currently is.... more vulnerability, I'm tired of fighting against it...it is what it is and Satan thrives in the hidden places.... I'm not playing his games either.
So this January....went like this....
You all know my Dad had been sick and missed Christmas. And Shawn had been staying with him so that he wasn't alone while he was getting better (we thought he was getting better)... anyways, during the weeks between Christmas and Dad taking a turn for the worst, God had been revealing some hard things to me. So several weeks ago, the spiritual warfare in my home changed. I'm not really going to go into detail here cuz it's not necessary, but if any of you are in tune with spiritual warfare (which we all should be by the way... but some of us walk in giftings that deal with more of that) then you will understand what I'm saying. Something new showed up.... and came after me one night, God was quick to intervene and I physically felt the safe arms around me as soon as I took the hit to my body. Pretty awesome once I wrapped my head around what had just happened. But God started speaking to me about anointing my home with oil for the purpose of my own protection from what just entered the scene of our lives. I honestly, struggled with what He was asking me to do, not because I didn't trust Him, of course I do, but because of what I understood could happen once that spiritual boundary line was set in this home. Because, I'm not the one letting this thing have access to our lives....and the thought of what could result on the other side of that boundary line, had me fearful (I'm still battling this) for my husband. But I have to let go of control and let God deal how He sees fit.
Sometimes I hate what obedience asks of me. I hate how the simple sounding word of "surrender" can actually feel more like flesh ripping off my bones as I lay whatever it is down at His feet.
But even in my internal struggle....the Holy Spirit kept confirming His plan, and calling me into obedience. One of the godly women I do Bible Study with, who knows absolutely nothing about what is going on in my life and definitely nothing about my fears with my husband or the instant danger I was finding myself in with the demonic realm....through tears, spoke out a verse that the Holy Spirit had given her for me.... and right there were the exact words of confirmation that I needed to hear once again that this was getting dangerous and I needed to be obedient now.
Here's the thing, Shawn had been staying with my dad already for a little over a week....and my home felt peaceful. For the first time in a long time, I could breathe here. My mind cleared and my body started to actually relax a little. I HATE writing this ..... because it's the gritty truth. It's a truth I don't want to admit to anyone. Because I don't want it to be the truth. I've fought so hard for it to not be the truth. But I haven't been able to breathe all year sweet friends..... and I need to breathe again.
So as the days at home got clearer, and as I just sat with God, broken and tired again....still....whatever at this point, He just continued to speak to my heart about the truth of needing to let go and trust Him in it...completely.
You know the thing about "trust"? we think we've "arrived"....until God asks us to trust Him a little more...and we realize those words "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders" (Oceans by Hillsong United) sounds pretty....but brings in the question...what are the borders of my faith? How far are we actually willing to let God lead us? That's where I am today. Answering that question, and trying to get my flesh where my spirit wants to be. It's hard isn't it sweet friends?
So, I made a decision, as the oil came out, as I simply said to God as I was standing in my living room, "I don't know what you want from me, lead me in this" it wasn't anything dramatic, I walked around my house anointing as I felt led, praying.... and in true Holy Spirit fashion, those prayers started unlocking and breaking things like fear, and guilt for laying down harsh boundary lines where needed, I began to feel strengthened to stand firmly in this battleground of my marriage and fight against the real enemy here, which is unseen. And the strength to tell my husband, that he won't be coming home until he works some things out that he needs to. I have to protect this temple from being destroyed anymore. I need to heal without constantly being hurt in the process. And most importantly, I have to step out of the way and let God deal with my husband. This is obedience. This is hard....but I will stand firm here.
I told my husband, strangely he took it well. A little too well which makes me uncomfortable but just confirms that it's the right decision right now. The next day.... my Dad ended up in the ER.
It's been a whirlwind since that day. We are already a few days into February, and my mind is still so full it's hard to find a solid perspective. Does that make sense? Shawn hasn't been home since we all got back. We still pretty much talk every day and we see each other in passing between Dad's and the Shop and him occasionally stopping here at the house for something he needs. It's been a whirlwind of emotions for me, I'm not gonna lie. I think I've felt about every emotion you can have. But my home....is peaceful sweet friends. And I can think here, and in this obedience I'm starting to find some rest for this weary body and soul. So for that, I am thankful even in this hard.
This is a lonely road... one you would think after being in isolation and not telling anyone anything ever, this wouldn't be that hard to go through. You would think it would actually feel more freeing to be getting out from underneath the constant hurt, even if no one is around to talk to about it. But the interesting thing about healing... there comes a point where I think we are designed to need other people. Which makes sense and frankly, is probably why God talks about rejoicing and mourning with each other. There's healing in being loved and cared about. I think when we are in "survivor" mode, our protection is the lockdown, we close up and it gives us a false sense of security and safety (because it's absolutely not safe) but when God starts peeling back those layers of hurt in our lives, we need love and care to help us heal in safe places. It's a hard balance that I have not figured out yet. I want so badly to have friends to walk with me through this hard but at the same time, I want to champion my husband and not speak the ugly things and yet... I can't really do one without doing the other. And I think I'm still in the "I need to protect him at all costs to be a good wife" mode. I don't think I'm right... I just haven't found the safe place yet I don't think... I don't know. Hard call.
God has definitely started placing people in my life that I can see are going to have purpose in my journey. I wish I KNEW exactly what that was for each of them. I've determined I'm going to let God lead in that department too and not rush ahead and beg for friendship even though there are a few I really think I could glean from in all this but if it's not God's plan, I don't need to complicate my life any more than it already is. Plus....I'm too tired to give these pieces away to people who really don't want to know anything, I don't have the strength or energy to pour out just for prayers (even though prayers are absolutely vital and I'm not knocking that at all) but if I'm gonna lay out the hard stuff... I need to not feel brushed off know what I mean? So I am just being super careful who I give access to the painful parts. And that's been a hard decision too, I have a wonderful Bible Study that I attend with some amazing godly deep women. And a couple weeks ago, I was battling hard, fighting the tears back and I stayed real quiet during the study because I felt fragile, like if I started talking, it was just gonna come spilling out. And I made it through the study without breaking down....until I was getting ready to leave and a sweet sister just happened to ask me how I was and give me a hug and sweet friends, sometimes God just knows how to break a bondage (always follow the spirit's leading cuz ya never know what people are dealing with) anyways, that's all it took and I was in pieces, surrounded by praying women in the middle of a battle they have no idea how devastating it has become. But God is faithful....
I wanted so badly to just share with these solid godly women what I am actually dealing with. I think I would feel so much better if I could talk about some of this stuff in a room full of wisdom ya know? But the only thing that is holding me back is this feeling of uncertainty that sharing and exposing my husband is the wrong thing to do. But is it? I've been grappling with this concept all last year... is it honorable or enabling to keep his issues (though they are the ones reeking havoc in my life and in part destroying me) private? My heart is hopeful that he will get things figured out and back on track and if that's the case then I don't want to cause him any more heartache in the process. The other part of this is, if I knew that there would be people that would actually reach out to him and try to help him in the way he actually needs it, I don't think this decision would be that hard...but, there are some people that do know about what both of us are going through... and they've all just managed to keep their distance..."praying" for us I'm sure, but sometimes God needs us to actually BE hands and feet...and I think way too many people are simply afraid to get involved. So if I tell....and everyone just keeps their distance, I'm afraid I'm just going to feel like I betrayed my husband instead of actually getting any help. So part of me is honestly just waiting for someone to actually care enough, to reach out and ask. I think that's pretty simple.
I am so sick of this worldly mantra of we all have to save ourselves cuz no one is coming...blah blah blah. What makes me angry...it totally FEELS true. It shouldn't be. Biblically it's not. Which honestly makes it a lie from the pit of hell which way too many people are sinking into the message and frankly bondage of it, and people like me are fighting so very hard to remember that it is a lie and not the truth, even on these hard days where it feels like genuine care for one another doesn't actually exist.
We have to fight sweet friends. There's an element of truth that yes we get a little hardened from life... I can feel it happening to me, and I don't think anything will ever be the same. HOWEVER... simply accepting this part of things and not working hard to stay tender in our hearts, towards God and yes even towards other people...is unacceptable as followers of Jesus. For us to allow ourselves to become so hardened that we ..... allow our hurts, to once again drive us into more isolation. Which is so clearly the Enemy's plan when it comes to hurt. We have to allow God to show us how to protect our hearts, have wisdom, and also remain tender towards people and not make it so difficult for others to enter our lives that we actually end up missing out on the healing that God is trying to bring us through His Body. We need discernment and a willingness to let the right ones in.
Right now, I just feel.... alone. Totally lost in how I'm even supposed to proceed. I "feel" too tired to care. I know that's not the truth, but it's what I'm sitting with currently. Do you know what's crazy? I walked in obedience in anointing my home and doing what God told me, and my home...feels safe. But every other area in my life has gone crazy. My workers, pretty much disappeared from their jobs, or backed off in the month and time I needed them all the most...that has been so stressful and honestly has felt defeating...I've literally had practicing witches trying to get their merchandise into my store, products that seemed to honestly fit in well and be a great addition to my shop on their applications, but because of the check I felt in my spirit that I needed to research a bit further, led me to the truth of what was laying underneath the surface ... I can see the Enemy trying to work. The spiritual realm is fascinating isn't it? The attacks were coming at the homefront, God intervened, I obeyed...and apparently the battleplan shifted... these things, aren't just normal everyday coincidences...these look and feel strategic, I'm thankful for discernment and the Holy Spirit's caution and leading in several things. He is still very much in control even in the midst of my exhaustion and the chaos around me.
I am aware that what the Enemy is after, is my surrender. And there are brief moments where, it's so tempting to just give up because I am so tired. But Satan doesn't deserve my surrender, only God does and only He will get it.
Do you remember the old chorus "We bring the sacrifice of praise, into the House of the Lord, ...and we offer up to You the sacrifices of thanksgiving, and we offer up to You the sacrifices of joy...." and it's all upbeat and fun to sing. People always clapping and swaying to the rhythm... anybody else remember it?
Yeah that song has been stuck in my head all week.... and it's kinda made me mad to be honest. Oh it's truth for sure, it's Biblical, pretty much every word in that song echoes scripture. But the beat... what a false representation (that's just my anger talking...I know it) There is nothing upbeat and clappy about bringing God a SACRIFICE of praise and joy.... it's called a "sacrifice" for a reason isn't it? It's painful and hard to praise in the midst of hurt and anger, it's painful to find reasons to be thankful when you feel like your life is falling apart and people are trampling you right and left.
Surrendering our emotions over to God in the midst of our darkest nights...when we just want to give up....is hard sweet friends, you know this. And yet, it the type of sacrifice that is required of a life fully surrendered to God. Not because He is a cruel and greedy God, but because He loves us sweet friends, and He understands the bondage our emotions when not surrendered can become to us. It's okay to feel. It's okay for me to be angry and tired right now. It's even okay that I feel the weight of everything that's coming against me right now and it makes me "feel" defeated.... what's not okay, is that we give in to the lie that we are defeated. We are NOT sweet friends...that's the Truth of what God says to us. So we have to embrace the Truth and not the lie. We have to get up. We might have to get up screaming, but we get up and fight.
This has not been the most uplifting post I know, but it's been a really hard month and I'm trying desperately to bring the sacrifice of praise and joy to my Creator. Because this world is not my home, and whatever I walk through here is only teaching me more about who He is to me. I don't know how people survive at all without Him. They survive, but not well. I want to walk through this dark painful place still able to sing "It is WELL with my soul." And that is the goal in all of this.
"Lord, don't let any of this destroy my soul. Help me finish well and faithful."
Love you sweet friends, let's keep our eyes on Jesus. We need Him. -d
