A heart that can see....

 

     Two weeks before the Encounter... I was doing my devotions and I ran across one of my letters. For the past several years, whenever things were really bad, I would write a prayer for Shawn and stick it in my Bible. I figured one day, I would give them to Shawn as a testimony of answered prayers. Anyways, I pulled the letter out to read it and I heard God say "it's time to get rid of those", which caught me a little off guard, and I thought, do I just give them to Shawn now? and I heard God speak to my heart "these are between you and Me"...and He was right, these were my desperate cries between Him and I, I just always thought I'd one day give them to Shawn. So I said, okay.... and was getting ready to just pull them all out and throw them in the trash, and God stopped me and said, "not yet, at Encounter"

Now, the thing about me, and if you've been walking with me in this journey, you know that I try to be as quick as possible to act in obedience when God tells me to do something. To get rid of things right away ya know? So, it felt uncomfortable to sit with this for 2 weeks, I couldn't understand really why. 

but.... I know the voice of God, so even though I was struggling with the concept a bit, I said...okay. 

Here's the thing...  during that two weeks as I kept wondering about the timeline, I became more aware of the amount of spiritual warfare circling about so to speak. And I started realizing that maybe that had something to do with God not wanting me to throw those in the trashcan at home. Now I don't even remotely understand how the spiritual realm works. I've dealt with spiritual warfare situations most of my life, I also know God has given me insight and discernment in this particular area however, with everything that I have learned, I am still very aware that I really know nothing lol. But, it was starting to make more sense the more I thought about it. And I believe that I was right, a sweet sister in Christ and one of the leaders told of a vision she had while at the Encounter of Angels forming a hedge of protection so to speak over the sanctuary ect, and it deeply resonated that this was a "safe" place to lay down those letters. 

The other part of the wait, I don't think I was completely ready and God knew I needed more than just tossing them all in the trash that day. I was able to sit with those letters over the weekend and actually read them before letting them go...and I discovered a couple things I needed to see. 

1. Some of those letters, dated back 5 years. Same prayers I'm praying today. That was eye opening. Frustrating. Angering. Discouraging. but eye opening.

2. There was a recurring theme inside these letters...every. single. one. I was begging God to make me a better wife. To help me change to be a better wife. and on the very last letter I read, there it was again... Lord, help me be a better wife.... and I heard God speak to my heart and He said, "you need to let that go too."

You know what's crazy? The last Encounter I was at, I had written something down on a piece of paper, a little paper that was meant to be laid down at His feet....but I just couldn't do it. I held it for the entire weekend and I just couldn't let it go. I didn't really think it was a big deal at the time really, I just ....stuck it in my Bible too. Kind of ironic, but I pulled it out and read it again.... and the whole thing was my apology to God for not realizing that I was walking in disobedience to Him all because I was trying to be a better wife. I let that paper go too...

There was no hoopla when I decided to walk up and lay them down. It wasn't even during one of the "moments" designated to do it. It was just in a quiet moment that I finally felt ready to let them go and everything they represented in complete surrender to whatever the outcome God decides and I definitely have felt some things breaking free in me since that act of obedience.

I can't fully explain what letting those all go actually feels like. It's been a few weeks now and I still don't have a solid handle on it. I feel the freedom for sure. Strength in holding these harsh boundaries. A peace and contentment that has replaced guilt for feeling "mean" or "uncaring" as a wife while setting harsh boundaries and making myself a priority in healing. And then there's the unsettling side of it... those letters, I've always thought they were going to be a "testimony" of what God brought us through... and now I'm sitting here with questions. I know I can't linger here, it won't be productive because I do not know what the future holds and I know that God is good and I can trust Him even in this. But my humanness wants to know...what does "letting go" of those letters really mean?

Things at home now..... are different. My days are different. And my emotions, are a bit of a rollercoaster honestly. Not like out of control, but just a mixture of being able to breathe and sort of finding me a little bit again (sounds kind of cliche but it's not) I've felt so numb for so long that that is starting to change here in this place. I caught myself smiling while I was mopping my floors the other day, just content in my home...it was a good feeling. Then I cried later because I miss my husband and I'm lonely. And this is still our house, "he" is still tucked in these corners. I've found myself moving his things and gathering them together and placing them downstairs...part of me feels guilty doing that but it's also painful to have everything laying around when he's not here. It's a weird and painful place to be honestly and I hate it. But I keep reminding myself that this is the right thing for now. Things have to change, I need healing and a space to do that in. I have peace during this hard time, so I know God is in it and I am being obedient. Still hurts. 

    And the conversations .... don't hold much depth anymore...know why? Because I'm not driving them. That's been a really hard realization, and not just in my relationship with my husband but in so many of my relationships, which honestly just adds to my loneliness. And shows me one more area that I need to change in myself. Which is....just stop. Stop leading conversations, stop being the one to always reach out, stop making myself believe that I am important to people and let them show me that I actually am. I don't mean that as harsh as it sounds, there is a balance, we are followers of Jesus and we love on people regardless of whether or not they reciprocate, and we also understand that there is a world of hurting people out there just like us, and they may not have the capacity to love back the way they should right now or truthfully, some people may be doing the exact same thing of trying to test and see who genuinely cares about them... so I'm not talking as a whole....just in the places where I feel like I do have to be someone they "need" in their life in order for them to care about me. Didn't realize I did that till God and I started doing some work, now I'm embarrassed to admit that I am a little desperate to feel loved in some ways. 

The important thing is that I am aware of this now and I need to be on guard to not let the Enemy get a stronghold here. Yes, I am hurt that I don't seem to matter to people I thought cared, but it's more a brokenness over the lack of genuine care in people than being angry with anyone. I'm really not angry with people or even resentful, just disappointed really. And I've definitely lost some respect for a few people this year that as leaders, should be doing a better job at genuinely caring for people God gives to them.  You know, it would be one thing if I held people responsible for what they don't know, like if I didn't tell anyone what is going on in my life then be upset because they never ask me anything. But that's not at all what I am talking about here, I HAVE talked to a few individuals, spiritual leaders, specifically about some things in my situation, I've even flat out asked for help especially for my husband.... and nothing. That's what I'm disappointed in sweet friends, and that's the part I have to battle when I make a decision here on out on whether or not to open up any more to anyone. I think I am so exhausted that the effort and emotional toll it takes on me to share the heartache, just to have someone look at me and offer to pray which I will never knock that, it's so important...but what I need, is someone willing to walk with me in this a bit, someone that will pray but that will also let the Spirit lead them in encouraging me or helping to anchor me in this chaos where the Enemy is relentlessly trying to take me down and my husband. I need hands and feet. And I don't have the energy left to just "share" my struggles to be ignored. I don't need a babysitter, clearly....but I need godly friends, mentors, help. And for that, I'm now testing the waters to see who is actually willing to put their feet in the mud with me. I don't need flaky...I need solid. warriors. genuine friends. I don't respond to "how are you?"... if someone wants to really know, they'll really ask. And you know what? I will gladly, effortlessly tell them the truth. Because I don't want to hide and I don't want to make people work hard to get to know me, but I'm learning that I have to filter through people to find those who have the capacity to walk with me in this. This journey isn't for everyone, I do believe that God has put it on people's hearts, because I do a lot of praying before I share things...and when nothing happens when I do share, I don't think it's on my end... I think that's a battle between them and God. I literally had someone tell me the other day, that they think of me and my situation often, and they've thought about asking me things, but weren't really sure they actually wanted to know. And I appreciate that honesty. And truthfully I understand it, because they have a gift and they haven't quite learned how to walk in it yet... I do not doubt for one second, that I was supposed to tell them about my situation...I believe God wanted to use them in their gifting...but God does not force us to surrender, we have to choose to do that. And that is between them and God. So again, I'm not angry with people...I'm just super tired of being disappointed when no one shows up and that worldly mantra of "no one is coming to rescue you, you have to save yourself" keeps playing in the back of my mind because it absolutely feels true.....but it's not sweet friends.... the Truth is... the Body of Christ must surrender to the leading of the Holy Spirit and be willing to be hands and feet, even when we don't understand it, when we feel ill equipped to handle it, when it's easier to just let somebody else get dirty and we just want to go into our closet and pray at a distance. But that's not how God works sweet friends..... He is our Rescuer...He is our Savior.....but 9/10 times, He uses His Body to do the work of Rescuing through His Spirit working all things for good, for the one hurting and the one being used to bring healing.

I'm thankful for these hard lessons...because without them, I would've never known that we are lacking in the department of deep connection. And what an important and crucial part of the Body of Christ. I pray this prayer all the time intentionally..."Break my heart for what breaks Yours God"..... and He does.

and those kind of prayers, break our hearts sweet friends. It's not a bunch of cute words. It hurts bad. Because it hurts our Father's heart bad. This incredible ache that I have to "belong" in the Body of Christ, to "feel" loved and supported, to "need" them to hold me up at times when I am crumbling inside... His heart aches for His Body to love one another as He has loved us...and when we "miss that"... we all miss out on the incredible blessings that flow from His heart when we truly understand what it means to "love one another deeply."

The question now is.... not, am I gonna get angry, but rather, what can I do about it in the Kingdom?

Yes, I feel so broken right now, yes I feel incredibly unworthy to actively "do" anything of importance in the Kingdom, I don't want any type of spotlight on me right now or on my marriage, I don't feel fit to lead anyone.  But I can continue to walk in surrender as God continues to work in me and heal the wounds and show me my faults, all while fixing my crown. And I can choose to love deeply and continue to fight against the Enemy's lies that we have to do all this on our own. There may still be plenty of days when I feel this way, but I can still hold on to the Truth. That God is Love, and His heart for His Body, is that we do not walk this journey alone. I will choose to love people in spite of the hard days. I hope you will too sweet friends, let this be our prayer from the depth of our souls... 

 Lord, use me. 

Finding my "Place" of Worth...

 

        Well, today I am packing for another Women's Encounter. I am going by myself. And...I am looking forward to the break from reality. I know God and I are gonna do some work, I'm not sure what that's going to look like, I don't feel like it's going to be anything real dramatic, I could be wrong, I'm not God and I don't know what He has planned but I just feel like I'm gonna have a few days to just sit with Him in all of this. It's been hard at home these last couple of months with everything going on, just having time to sit and process. I talk to God constantly and I listen, but just sitting with it all and no interruptions...hasn't been happening, I have so much going on it's hard to just stop and sit. So, I'm hoping this weekend will help me just get some clarity of where I am at in life with all of this. I am praying that God will just anchor me. I'm also hoping for some anchoring connections... I personally feel that would help steady me in a lot of this if I could find some godly women that are willing to walk with me a bit in this. But I'm also determined that if God wants someone in my life like that, He can make their feet and mouth move just as easy as I can move my own, I'm not begging for people to care enough to literally get in the trenches with me, and not everyone is cut out to walk this kind of road, I definitely don't want the wrong people getting involved. And that's okay, I think it's a good place to be. I'm not desperate, I'm not angry, I know that God has placed in my heart a space for people in all of this and that is the only reason I even talk about it because I know what He has softened and opened in me in being willing to let others in, I just want God to move people in and out of my life according to His will.  I'm just hoping that maybe He's got somebody in mind. I've got a lot to work through the next several months and a sounding board of wisdom would be so helpful. Pray for me sweet friends, I just want God to be in control of all of it. I want to be content somehow in the midst of this hard season and not feel like I have to walk this particular path alone. We'll see what happens. God will still be faithful to the work He is doing in me and I will trust whatever that looks like. 

How are things going? Well, Valentine's Day was....hard this year too. It's just a day, and getting wrapped up in the hoopla of it isn't emotionally smart anyways. But I'm finding that I no longer like hallmark love stories, or cute romantic movies...they kinda hurt right now. Didn't think of that until I was watching one the other day...ended up in tears halfway through it. I think it's just a good indicator that my heart hurts right now. And that's okay. Life is not okay right now. My husband is present in my life but we couldn't be farther away and that is super painful. I'm feeling quite numb sometimes and I think it's just part of the journey. I am trying to remain hopeful that things will change but right now, I just remain numb as I watch the confusion play out on the other end... there's not much more I can do at the moment to help someone "understand", so I guess I'll just keep working on me and wait.

 I've realized over this past month really, that there is a deep loneliness in this type of surrender. Some of you I'm sure have experienced, are experiencing, this and you know exactly what I mean. And it's not really a loneliness that can be remedied by anything else I don't think. Sure, other people in our lives can help dull the ache a little bit but the loneliness itself comes from the brokenness of the relationship. And I think it comes from realizing just how much of our own identity was wrapped up in that other person. It's been a rather humbling realization for me... I placed more of my worth in someone that I shouldn't have. One, it's not his responsibility to carry my worth at all, but also, what was I doing? Allowing myself to place some of my worth into his hands? It kind of baffles me a bit that I did that over the course of our marriage. I've always been close to the Lord and I know where my worth comes from, and yet.... over time, moments of insecurity, hard places....I started shifting pieces of my worth over to a source that can't sustain it. That was stupid on my part for sure and I'm still scratching my head why I didn't realize that was happening till the last couple of years, how did I not notice?

You know what's really frustrating? I would tell my husband all the time that He needed to run to Jesus because I wasn't the source of his worth. I did, I would tell him that all. the. time. And yet, here I was, continually handing little pieces of my worth over to my husband, until one day I realized just how many pieces I had given him to hold. Aggravating. No wonder I feel so broken. Yes, my husband has a lot to do with that....but so do I sweet friends, so do I.  

Which has had me contemplating a lot this week in moving forward with my husband... I can't ever make that mistake again. And this is where learning is gonna come in during this process right now in our marriage. Separation is good right now on many levels...this one included. I need to get my head right and I need to recognize each part that I gave away and get those pieces back to the feet of Jesus. Sounds easy, bet it's not though lol. It's alright, I'm already in the hard, I might as well tackle a few more pieces. But sweet friends, our self worth is SO important... where we place it is SO crucial for our well being. And I think us recognizing how quickly we can give it away to people or things even that should never hold it in the first place, might be the first step in healing. There is a good lesson here, yes it's a painful one, but the Enemy knows how to tear us apart doesn't he? And the kicker, he doesn't come at us like we think he will... he comes at us slowly, nudging, poking, deceiving with words that draw our attention and shift our focus, words that draw out our insecurities...don't they? And a false sense of safety in the midst of our shaking.... and bit by bit, we .... start handing over precious things, out of our own free will...because we didn't see it coming and we don't recognize the truth of what it is, mainly because we're wrapped up in our own emotions. And that's where we have to sharpen up sweet friends. We need to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus... and the minute we start shifting our focus...we catch ourselves and check ourselves and make sure we're not placing important pieces into hands of anyone else but God. 

Tough work ahead.... but we can do it sweet friends. We just get determined to fix our eyes. The Holy Spirit will help us do the rest. So I'm gonna work on fixing my eyes this weekend, and I am praying for all of you, that you find some time to ponder your own eyesight and ask the Holy Spirit to help you get your worth back into His hands because His hands are the ones that created you.... He will always hold your worth in safety.

Love you - d

 

The "Sacrifice" of Praise......"Sacrifice" of Joy......let's get real.

 

Hey sweet friends, it's me.   Man, I have tried to sit down several times last month and type something...but the words just wouldn't, couldn't come out. Sitting in the hospital room with my dad for several days, my heart just felt too heavy. Sitting alone at home, my head felt too full. Grappling with all the pressures of my business during slow season, consumed every free thought I might have. This month has been so heavy sweet friends. To be completely honest right now.... I am worn out and angry....and grieving some things that have surfaced this past month. I'm gonna share with you all where last month took me and where my heart currently is.... more vulnerability, I'm tired of fighting against it...it is what it is and Satan thrives in the hidden places.... I'm not playing his games either.

So this January....went like this....

     You all know my Dad had been sick and missed Christmas. And Shawn had been staying with him so that he wasn't alone while he was getting better (we thought he was getting better)... anyways, during the weeks between Christmas and Dad taking a turn for the worst, God had been revealing some hard things to me. So several weeks ago, the spiritual warfare in my home changed. I'm not really going to go into detail here cuz it's not necessary, but if any of you are in tune with spiritual warfare (which we all should be by the way... but some of us walk in giftings that deal with more of that) then you will understand what I'm saying. Something new showed up.... and came after me one night, God was quick to intervene and I physically felt the safe arms around me as soon as I took the hit to my body. Pretty awesome once I wrapped my head around what had just happened. But God started speaking to me about anointing my home with oil for the purpose of my own protection from what just entered the scene of our lives. I honestly, struggled with what He was asking me to do, not because I didn't trust Him, of course I do, but because of what I understood could happen once that spiritual boundary line was set in this home. Because, I'm not the one letting this thing have access to our lives....and the thought of what could result on the other side of that boundary line, had me fearful (I'm still battling this) for my husband. But I have to let go of control and let God deal how He sees fit. 

Sometimes I hate what obedience asks of me. I hate how the simple sounding word of "surrender" can actually feel more like flesh ripping off my bones as I lay whatever it is down at His feet. 

But even in my internal struggle....the Holy Spirit kept confirming His plan, and calling me into obedience. One of the godly women I do Bible Study with, who knows absolutely nothing about what is going on in my life and definitely nothing about my fears with my husband or the instant danger I was finding myself in with the demonic realm....through tears, spoke out a verse that the Holy Spirit had given her for me.... and right there were the exact words of confirmation that I needed to hear once again that this was getting dangerous and I needed to be obedient now.

Here's the thing, Shawn had been staying with my dad already for a little over a week....and my home felt peaceful. For the first time in a long time, I could breathe here. My mind cleared and my body started to actually relax a little. I HATE writing this ..... because it's the gritty truth. It's a truth I don't want to admit to anyone. Because I don't want it to be the truth. I've fought so hard for it to not be the truth. But I haven't been able to breathe all year sweet friends..... and I need to breathe again. 

So as the days at home got clearer, and as I just sat with God, broken and tired again....still....whatever at this point, He just continued to speak to my heart about the truth of needing to let go and trust Him in it...completely. 

You know the thing about "trust"? we think we've "arrived"....until God asks us to trust Him a little more...and we realize those words "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders" (Oceans by Hillsong United) sounds pretty....but brings in the question...what are the borders of my faith? How far are we actually willing to let God lead us? That's where I am today. Answering that question, and trying to get my flesh where my spirit wants to be. It's hard isn't it sweet friends?

So, I made a decision, as the oil came out, as I simply said to God as I was standing in my living room, "I don't know what you want from me, lead me in this" it wasn't anything dramatic, I walked around my house anointing as I felt led, praying.... and in true Holy Spirit fashion, those prayers started unlocking and breaking things like fear, and guilt for laying down harsh boundary lines where needed, I began to feel strengthened to stand firmly in this battleground of my marriage and fight against the real enemy here, which is unseen. And the strength to tell my husband, that he won't be coming home until he works some things out that he needs to. I have to protect this temple from being destroyed anymore. I need to heal without constantly being hurt in the process. And most importantly, I have to step out of the way and let God deal with my husband. This is obedience. This is hard....but I will stand firm here.

I told my husband, strangely he took it well. A little too well which makes me uncomfortable but just confirms that it's the right decision right now. The next day.... my Dad ended up in the ER.  

It's been a whirlwind since that day.  We are already a few days into February, and my mind is still so full it's hard to find a solid perspective. Does that make sense? Shawn hasn't been home since we all got back. We still pretty much talk every day and we see each other in passing between Dad's and the Shop and him occasionally stopping here at the house for something he needs. It's been a whirlwind of emotions for me, I'm not gonna lie. I think I've felt about every emotion you can have. But my home....is peaceful sweet friends. And I can think here, and in this obedience I'm starting to find some rest for this weary body and soul. So for that, I am thankful even in this hard.

This is a lonely road... one you would think after being in isolation and not telling anyone anything ever, this wouldn't be that hard to go through. You would think it would actually feel more freeing to be getting out from underneath the constant hurt, even if no one is around to talk to about it. But the interesting thing about healing... there comes a point where I think we are designed to need other people. Which makes sense and frankly, is probably why God talks about rejoicing and mourning with each other. There's healing in being loved and cared about. I think when we are in "survivor" mode, our protection is the lockdown, we close up and it gives us a false sense of security and safety (because it's absolutely not safe) but when God starts peeling back those layers of hurt in our lives, we need love and care to help us heal in safe places. It's a hard balance that I have not figured out yet. I want so badly to have friends to walk with me through this hard but at the same time, I want to champion my husband and not speak the ugly things and yet... I can't really do one without doing the other. And I think I'm still in the "I need to protect him at all costs to be a good wife" mode. I don't think I'm right... I just haven't found the safe place yet I don't think... I don't know. Hard call.

God has definitely started placing people in my life that I can see are going to have purpose in my journey. I wish I KNEW exactly what that was for each of them. I've determined I'm going to let God lead in that department too and not rush ahead and beg for friendship even though there are a few I really think I could glean from in all this but if it's not God's plan, I don't need to complicate my life any more than it already is. Plus....I'm too tired to give these pieces away to people who really don't want to know anything, I don't have the strength or energy to pour out just for prayers (even though prayers are absolutely vital and I'm not knocking that at all) but if I'm gonna lay out the hard stuff... I need to not feel brushed off know what I mean? So I am just being super careful who I give access to the painful parts. And that's been a hard decision too, I have a wonderful Bible Study that I attend with some amazing godly deep women. And a couple weeks ago, I was battling hard, fighting the tears back and I stayed real quiet during the study because I felt fragile, like if I started talking, it was just gonna come spilling out. And I made it through the study without breaking down....until I was getting ready to leave and a sweet sister just happened to ask me how I was and give me a hug and sweet friends, sometimes God just knows how to break a bondage (always follow the spirit's leading cuz ya never know what people are dealing with) anyways, that's all it took and I was in pieces, surrounded by praying women in the middle of a battle they have no idea how devastating it has become. But God is faithful....

I wanted so badly to just share with these solid godly women what I am actually dealing with. I think I would feel so much better if I could talk about some of this stuff in a room full of wisdom ya know? But the only thing that is holding me back is this feeling of uncertainty that sharing and exposing my husband is the wrong thing to do. But is it? I've been grappling with this concept all last year... is it honorable or enabling to keep his issues (though they are the ones reeking havoc in my life and in part destroying me) private? My heart is hopeful that he will get things figured out and back on track and if that's the case then I don't want to cause him any more heartache in the process. The other part of this is, if I knew that there would be people that would actually reach out to him and try to help him in the way he actually needs it, I don't think this decision would be that hard...but, there are some people that do know about what both of us are going through... and they've all just managed to keep their distance..."praying" for us I'm sure, but sometimes God needs us to actually BE hands and feet...and I think way too many people are simply afraid to get involved. So if I tell....and everyone just keeps their distance, I'm afraid I'm just going to feel like I betrayed my husband instead of actually getting any help. So part of me is honestly just waiting for someone to actually care enough, to reach out and ask. I think that's pretty simple.

I am so sick of this worldly mantra of we all have to save ourselves cuz no one is coming...blah blah blah. What makes me angry...it totally FEELS true. It shouldn't be. Biblically it's not. Which honestly makes it a lie from the pit of hell which way too many people are sinking into the message and frankly bondage of it, and people like me are fighting so very hard to remember that it is a lie and not the truth, even on these hard days where it feels like genuine care for one another doesn't actually exist. 

We have to fight sweet friends. There's an element of truth that yes we get a little hardened from life... I can feel it happening to me, and I don't think anything will ever be the same. HOWEVER... simply accepting this part of things and not working hard to stay tender in our hearts, towards God and yes even towards other people...is unacceptable as followers of Jesus. For us to allow ourselves to become so hardened that we ..... allow our hurts, to once again drive us into more isolation. Which is so clearly the Enemy's plan when it comes to hurt. We have to allow God to show us how to protect our hearts, have wisdom, and also remain tender towards people and not make it so difficult for others to enter our lives that we actually end up missing out on the healing that God is trying to bring us through His Body. We need discernment and a willingness to let the right ones in.  

 Right now, I just feel.... alone. Totally lost in how I'm even supposed to proceed. I "feel" too tired to care. I know that's not the truth, but it's what I'm sitting with currently. Do you know what's crazy? I walked in obedience in anointing my home and doing what God told me, and my home...feels safe. But every other area in my life has gone crazy. My workers, pretty much disappeared from their jobs, or backed off in the month and time I needed them all the most...that has been so stressful and honestly has felt defeating...I've literally had practicing witches trying to get their merchandise into my store, products that seemed to honestly fit in well and be a great addition to my shop on their applications, but because of the check I felt in my spirit that I needed to research a bit further, led me to the truth of what was laying underneath the surface ... I can see the Enemy trying to work. The spiritual realm is fascinating isn't it? The attacks were coming at the homefront, God intervened, I obeyed...and apparently the battleplan shifted... these things, aren't just normal everyday coincidences...these look and feel strategic, I'm thankful for discernment and the Holy Spirit's caution and leading in several things. He is still very much in control even in the midst of my exhaustion and the chaos around me. 

 I am aware that what the Enemy is after, is my surrender. And there are brief moments where, it's so tempting to just give up because I am so tired. But Satan doesn't deserve my surrender, only God does and only He will get it. 

Do you remember the old chorus "We bring the sacrifice of praise, into the House of the Lord, ...and we offer up to You the sacrifices of thanksgiving, and we offer up to You the sacrifices of joy...." and it's all upbeat and fun to sing. People always clapping and swaying to the rhythm... anybody else remember it?

Yeah that song has been stuck in my head all week.... and it's kinda made me mad to be honest. Oh it's truth for sure, it's Biblical, pretty much every word in that song echoes scripture. But the beat... what a false representation (that's just my anger talking...I know it) There is nothing upbeat and clappy about bringing God a SACRIFICE of praise and joy.... it's called a "sacrifice" for a reason isn't it? It's painful and hard to praise in the midst of hurt and anger, it's painful to find reasons to be thankful when you feel like your life is falling apart and people are trampling you right and left.

Surrendering our emotions over to God in the midst of our darkest nights...when we just want to give up....is hard sweet friends, you know this. And yet, it the type of sacrifice that is required of a life fully surrendered to God. Not because He is a cruel and greedy God, but because He loves us sweet friends, and He understands the bondage our emotions when not surrendered can become to us. It's okay to feel. It's okay for me to be angry and tired right now. It's even okay that I feel the weight of everything that's coming against me right now and it makes me "feel" defeated.... what's not okay, is that we give in to the lie that we are defeated. We are NOT sweet friends...that's the Truth of what God says to us. So we have to embrace the Truth and not the lie. We have to get up. We might have to get up screaming, but we get up and fight. 

This has not been the most uplifting post I know, but it's been a really hard month and I'm trying desperately to bring the sacrifice of praise and joy to my Creator. Because this world is not my home, and whatever I walk through here is only teaching me more about who He is to me. I don't know how people survive at all without Him. They survive, but not well. I want to walk through this dark painful place still able to sing "It is WELL with my soul." And that is the goal in all of this. 

"Lord, don't let any of this destroy my soul. Help me finish well and faithful."

Love you sweet friends, let's keep our eyes on Jesus. We need Him. -d