At War with "Hope"

 

        You know what's hard sweet friends, knowing that you're in a bad situation but you're choosing to stay in it until you can figure some things out, fighting with everything you have to hold onto "hope" that things might change, looking ahead and trying to make the wisest decisions that you can in this process of...whatever this stage is called. And at the same time feeling like you really shouldn't be talking about it because you're actually choosing to fight it out so to speak. It's hard. It's lonely too. It's also made me realize that there really should be some kind of support group for people dealing with these types of situations. I'd give anything right now just to sit and chat with someone, that I don't have to pay. Right? Nothing wrong with that, but.... we should have support groups just sayin.    

Soooooo the Women's Encounter I went to over the weekend (couple weekends ago...sorry, got really busy with work no blogging time) It was good. God was in charge of my life and He directed me to go even though clearly I thought I was just running away for the weekend by my own choice. Yeah, I'm sure God laughed a bit too. Here's what I shared on my Facebook Page about it...

Soooo a few weeks ago, I signed up for a Women’s Encounter weekend, in all honesty it wasn’t because I wanted to go, it was because I wanted to run away from something that has been incredibly hard lately and I needed a break, so I took the opportunity. I feel bad because I was glad to have an escape plan from life, but sweet friends, my head and heart have been so full lately that the thought of a weekend full of things to think about…didn’t sound appealing, not because it wasn’t going to be good stuff, but I just wasn’t sure I could handle it all ya know?

And if you know me at all, I’m the type of person that will not go by myself, I’ll rally everyone I can to come along right? But I didn’t do that this time, I had mentioned it to just a couple people, and I did have a couple friends that I knew had signed up to go, and the closer it got, I realized there were more people that I knew who would be attending too. But also with that, and the closer it was getting, I just kept thinking about how I could go to this thing but also kind of just be invisible. Does that make sense? Not because I don’t love people, I totally do but… everything just felt so heavy, I didn’t really want to be seen.

I drug my feet, which is so not like me sweet friends, I am a business owner, I am super organized most of the time, prepared, ect… Friday…. Afternoon, I instantly felt so overwhelmingly tired, like crazy tired, I seriously contemplated just staying home and trying to rest and sleep over the weekend…for about a minute, because the Holy Spirit pricked me and I instantly realized I was in the middle of spiritual warfare and as much as I was fighting the weekend, I knew the Enemy was working hard to convince me to stay home too. Which of course made me mad and lit a fire, so at 3 PM I walked into my bedroom, found a duffel bag and threw some stuff in it cuz I was leaving at 4.

You know what’s funny…. One of our room leaders actually had packed one extra…of everything I had forgotten! It’s almost like God was reminding me that He goes before me even in something like this. So thankful she listened to the Holy Spirit even in the little things it mattered.

So we got to the church where we gathered before heading to the place, and I think within 10 minutes I had introduced myself to several women who I spotted sitting by themselves and had a few of them moved to my row. And I was sitting there when it dawned on me that I just can’t seem to do what I wanted desperately to do…stay completely hidden and invisible lol I’m a leader, I automatically love people, and apparently I can’t just ignore everything. I felt God chuckle a bit too honestly.

Here’s the thing, it was a great weekend, with lots of solid teaching and spirit filled Believers, I loved soaking in the atmosphere and watching the Body of Christ, functioning as it should, no denominational walls…just the Beautiful Body of Christ and me, I didn’t walk into the weekend full of baggage or things I needed to lay down ya know? If you follow me at all, you know I am constantly laying things at His feet. Not that He didn’t show me a few things that needed to go while I was there but I didn’t have anything like that I was really struggling with …but the weekend felt heavy sweet friends….it felt heavy because things that are not in my control were waiting for me when I got back. And the heaviness of that kept tugging at my heart and mind throughout. I will say, by the end of the weekend, I had enjoyed the experience, loved all the people, made some great new friends and connections, felt excited and refreshed experiencing what I haven’t in the Body of Christ for a while…and that did my heart good. But….I asked God, why did I really come here? Was it really just me escaping for the weekend or did I miss what You had for me here?

And like He does…. As I was asking Him that, a song came on called Rescue, and in that song is a line “I will send out an Army to find you in the middle of the night” and God pricked my heart in that moment and I understood what He was beginning to do, for me. He was sending me an army of people that I so desperately need to walk this part of my journey with. Because I am a bit lost in it, and it feels dark prayer warriors, some walking the same road, friends. See, I’ve been realizing something pretty fierce the last few months but especially the last couple of weeks….the Enemy has been relentlessly trying to destroy me over the past several years. He’s managed to silence me and neutralize me, hurt me, and in parts…destroy me. And I never realized that….till now. I am broken sweet friends, but I know that God will heal and restore me. I just have to be obedient to this really painful process. And I will. I will.

The last few days, it’s become even a little clearer, that God indeed set me up to go to the Encounter…I thought I was running away and using it as an excuse, but I knew better, we all do don’t we? He laughs at our plans, He goes before us, and He knows what we need better than we do.

And for that, I’m thankful. I’m looking forward to Him revealing those in my life who He is preparing to walk beside me in the days ahead, and it will be led by the Spirit which I believe means I won’t have to search them out, He will direct them to me if they are supposed to be a part of my journey… some I know I’ve already met and they have started walking with me a bit up till now, some I think I have yet to meet….and it’s not because He is not capable of walking me through it alone…because He is more than able….but He is teaching me the opposite of what the Enemy has been pounding in my head for the last decade… the Body of Christ is the Body of Christ for a reason, and yes, even for me. It’s time I start linking arms and stop trying to fight the Enemy on my own. I can’t do it anymore sweet friends. It’s too much. I’m learning….I’m learning

It's been a few weeks now since the Encounter, and God of course has been faithful. I'm still seeing Him weave this net of people around me. It's both comforting and a little scary. Why? Because sweet friends, I just keep asking myself, what is this safety net of people for? Am I going to fall? And maybe that's the Enemy causing fear that things are going to fall apart. I don't know. I can't dwell on that because God tells us not to worry about tomorrow, and I need to Trust Him in all of this. It's just my flesh getting in the way. I've thrown myself into my business the last few weeks, I've stepped out in faith and am expanding my business. It's something God has been preparing in my heart for a while now, I've been fighting it because it's scary right now, everything is so shaky and uncertain in my personal life, I didn't want to take a big risk with my business ya know? But I've realized that my business, is actually part of my journey that God is establishing me in... I don't necessarily mean as a business...but establishing me. Growing me. Building up my faith and trust. Showing me who I am...because I have forgotten sweet friends and God is restoring me, and rebuilding me into who He has created me to be. And I'm seeing that more clearly every day. I'm afraid I'm going to fail. No doubt...that fear is huge. And it's not about failing in the business, it's about failing this growth, failing my own expectations and God's grace towards me in all of this. So this journey just got a little deeper the last few weeks. Pray for me, I need so much wisdom in all things. 

And let's be honest, I've dove into this because I'm running a bit from home. I know it, I acknowledge it. But right now it seems like wisdom. I need to get a handle on things and my feet firmly planted and I'm afraid if I let my mind and heart wander into the chaos, then everything will get thrown off course and I'm simply not willing to risk it. Am I right? I honestly have no idea, I'm questioning everything and second guessing myself constantly but for right now.... it's what I'm going to do. Lock my eyes forward and push as hard as I can to find some solid ground....then go from there. We'll see what happens. 

(  New day...)

      I spent an hour today, sitting on my floor and partly walking around my house, just weeping sweet friends. Something really unexpected and hard happened today. You know what? It's something that my husband is responsible for....but I just got the repercussions of it, and they are huge and a little scary for me. Someone is threatening to cause problems for my business...because they are upset with my husband and they are holding me responsible as well. They aren't wrong to be mad, they've been wronged. But not by me. And threatening my business is how they've chosen to "get even" I guess. I'm livid sweet friends, not at the person, but I am with my husband. I will admit that today.   So where do I go from here? I don't know. When I talked to him about it, he blamed me. And then life. I just keep wondering what rock bottom looks like for my husband. Sometimes I think he has hit it, but then nothing changes and here we go again. I'm getting scared to think what "rock bottom" actually is.

      I'm tired. And maybe I should erase all of this before I hit the publish button for all of you to read. But I'm so tired sweet friends. And I don't feel like I can talk about these things with the people I do life with, because I know they'll worry. And I'm the one making the choice to stay in this with my husband for right now. It's like, how can I complain about something I'm not willing to walk away from? It's not that I want to live in this chaos and hurt, I just can't let go of my marriage and I ..... am afraid. I'm not gonna sugar coat it, that's what it is, for various reasons. Am I wrong? Probably... but I'm trying to navigate something I never thought I'd be walking through, and I'm kind of navigating it alone for the most part. But being able to share it here, with strangers, but also brothers and sisters in Christ who I believe are praying for me and my husband... is worth the risk of laying some of the hard things bare. 

       I'm struggling with "hope" ..... what is real and what is false. My heart is breaking because it's holding on too tightly to what "used" to be, the potential of what "could" be, and all the effort and sacrifices I have put in over the years. How do some people do it? What a painful path to walk. I am fighting it with everything in me. I'm not saying that's the path I will end up on, but this process is bringing up these possibilities and questions. Every single day I feel like I am at a funeral. Things around me are slowly dying and no matter how hard I try to stop it, I can't...and the painful part is that he is just sitting there, letting everything die...everything. What am I supposed to do with that? 

So honestly.... I'm desperately looking for HOPE. Real Hope. I know that God is Hope... and I know that all answers can only be found in Him. That's not what's in question, it's the confusion of my circumstances and actions of my husband that make me feel like I can't get a grip on what's real. It feels like a war right now inside. I want to cling onto real hope so bad, but everything I keep finding myself grabbing ahold of here lately, seems to crumble in my hand...because what I thought was real...isn't.

I refuse to give up....today. But discouragement seems to be bear hugging me... sweet friends, pray for us. I don't know where the line of faith and surrender are right now. He is God of the Impossible...when is that prayer supposed to stop? Where does Hope for a miracle...stop?

I don't know. 

Love you sweet friends, more to come I'm sure. -d