In the Fight...

 

So what started out as let's do this for "2 weeks" has now become almost 2 months... and... Shawn and I decided it's going to be longer before he comes back "home". 

This is hard. 

It's hard because we are navigating this weird place full of uncertainties and struggle. It's hard because we're not "estranged" but we're also not "okay". We're in this together, whatever the days ahead bring. We'll get through it, because that's who we are.  

Here's the thing... we love to always point out that marriage isn't 50/50, it's really 100/100. If we're both not putting 100% effort into our marriage, problems will come. It's also true that it takes 2 in a marriage. Not everything is only 1 person's fault. It's also true that....

sometimes 1 person is having a lot of issues that can incredibly impact the marriage for both people. 

Sometimes... that's just marriage. Now, the truth is always that neither person is perfect and both people always can find things that they need to work on but the even bigger truth is... what each individual goes through in life and the personal choices each one of us make... affects the other person ALWAYS.

 I am so tired of this particular struggle sweet friends. I'm exhausted and frustrated at the constant...fight. And I don't mean the fight with each other, there is some of that as we try to move forward together and get on the same page, but that's not the "fight" I'm really talking about. It's the fight against ourselves actually. The inward stuff that all of this battle has started bringing to the surface in each of us. We're both battling with internal things as we try to figure out the "main" thing right now... and it's a little overwhelming and discouraging. This is the icky part of this journey of vulnerability... but I know the Holy Spirit and I know I'm not going to get this weight off my chest or the upset in my stomach to stop until I'm obedient... so, I guess I'll walk in obedience even though... I'm really kinda fighting this one.

  Several months ago, back in August, I was walking through Hobby Lobby, I was there with my mom and my sister for a girls day but I was off by myself, mainly because I had so much on my mind I just... ya know, needed a minute I guess. And I was walking by the Painting section and so I turned down the aisle and was just looking at all the stuff (I'm a painter) anyway, and I walked past this large canvas and I heard God say "buy this".  Of course I was like "why?"... and nothing, but I knew it was God and I knew the feeling I had, much like the one tonight, so I picked up this huge canvas and put it in my cart. As I was walking back down the aisle, I was trying to think of what I could do with it, I do some whimsy art for my shop so I thought maybe that's what I could do with it, and I turned the corner and I heard God say, "This is for you and Me. I want you to paint your feelings..."  WHAT??? Caught me off guard a little bit, I don't "paint my feelings" ever... I didn't even know what that was supposed to look like at all, but I said "ok". 

I got it in my sisters car..barely, and of course neither my mom or my sister flinched because a canvas is not out of my "norm" so that went undetected. I got it home, set this huge canvas in the corner of the camper Shawn and I were living in for the time being... and just stared at the blank and shook my head... where would I even start? It felt uncomfortable and I honestly had no idea really what God wanted from me, and why? What was the point? but... I decided just to start with something... so I went with black. All of it. Felt like that was a good representation of my feelings at that moment. I also didn't feel like it was something I had to constantly work on ya know? Just as things came up in my heart, I would add it to the canvas... see what happened.

Oh boy sweet friends, lol. When God tells us to do something... there is a reason, one we can't always see at the time, but always a reason.   Then one day a couple weeks later, I stood back as the tears flowed down my face and I realized exactly what God was doing with this "project" I was so humbled and thankful for such a personal God. So I love to prayer journal, not all the time just when I feel it's necessary, and I also have some pretty intense prayers that I've written down and stuck in my Bible... I love going back and seeing how God has answered those and how things have changed, or I've grown since then. So I'm used to doing those type of things but this canvas... has a specific purpose for this season of my life. It's kind of hard to explain but I'm seeing it more clearly each day I add something to it. This canvas is EVERYTHING that is going on in my life, all at once right now... and it's a picture of the last chapter of my life really, the past 16 years are being represented on this canvas, not intentionally by me, but as God is working on healing me from some things and restoring me for the next chapter (whatever that is) He is taking me through this Valley of Healing... and I am seeing it ALL... that's new. That's God. He is showing me all of these areas of hurt and broken, fear, pain....and LIFE. Life is showing up on this canvas in the midst of all the hard. I'm seeing the healing taking place in many areas even though I am still dealing with all the rest. Isn't God amazing... He KNEW I needed this canvas. I needed to see EVERYTHING laid out in front of me, not hidden in the pages of a journal but in my face. WOW.... HE is the Great COUNSELOR. He is our HEALER. He is AMAZING. 

I am humbled by this project between me and God. And what's even more amazing... HE has kept it hidden from my husband. I've been worried about this because it's a lot sweet friends and I'm not sure Shawn is in a place that he could see it ya know? We lived in a CAMPER... with a giant canvas sitting in the corner turned backwards of course, but huge... Shawn never turned it over. That's crazy lol, Shawn's also kind of nosey so I know it's God shielding him from it... for now. And I'm really okay with that, I need to work through some things before I add Shawn's feelings and opinions of my struggles into the mix. But I am thankful that God is big enough to take care of my privacy too. Now it's in the house, joined by a second canvas, tucked in behind my office closet door. No one knows about it... except for all of you now :) and honestly, I have no idea if anyone reading these posts are anyone I know personally but that's okay... maybe someday you'll get to see it in person. It's a long way off from that, but I have a feeling when God and I get done... this project piece is gonna look a whole lot different than it does now... a really beautiful testimony of how God worked things out in my heart and life, for His glory, and for my good. I can't wait for that day.

 There is a recurring theme throughout these canvases that I'm realizing... and I don't like it at all. It's amazing to me how my worth in many areas, has taken a huge hit. And I never realized it, saw it coming, have no idea how I allowed it to happen... but it's there. It's stupid, I know it's not truth... but man, it has wound its way through a lot of areas of my life... which is probably one of the points to the canvas. A very clear picture of where I'm at, and what needs "undone".  

Isn't it crazy how quickly an area of our lives can be affected by what "we" "allow" to take up residence in our minds and hearts. My problem was, I chose to ignore those things because I felt like I had "bigger" issues at the moment that I needed to deal with, so my focus went to those instead of what was starting to go on inside of me. I chose to brush my own feelings aside because I was tough and knew I could "handle it"... yeah, now it's handling me. Stupid. And then, when maybe I started to recognize those things, I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted that I didn't feel like I had the strength to put in the effort to face them, so I pushed them down farther... thinking that it was okay, because I was the only one really being affected by my hurt.... well, no not really... all the people I cut out of my life was affected by my retreat. Easier to see that now than it was then.  Here's the thing too... the Enemy is so good at what he does. When I am at my weakest, most tired, and run down.... it's easier for him to move in because I'm too distracted by my own mental and emotional exhaustion to notice what he's up to.

If he can keep us worn down and exhausted ... he will. Remember that sweet friends. Satan doesn't really have a ton of new tricks, he has just mastered the really simple ones and knows how to use them best.  And honestly, if you're married, he can use your spouse too. (If you're not married, he can use anyone close to you) but one thing I have realized over many years, one of the best ways for Satan to get to me, is to use my husband to tear me down. And it works every time. Satan can work to use me to tear Shawn down as well but truthfully, there are so many other ways that he is able to discourage my husband.. me, not so much. This has been really hard over the years, I'll admit that. I feel like Satan has definitely punched pretty hard at times. He's definitely trying again here in all this chaos. But, I see it... I'm doing my best to armor up and not give him what he wants, and I'm doing my best to fight for my husband while fighting with my husband lol sounds counterproductive doesn't it? But it's not, not if you understand what it is that you're fighting and you let the Holy Spirit lead you into the battles. I definitely make mistakes and let my flesh get in the way at times, but I am learning more and more how to fight the right way, and most importantly, when to just shut up and let the Holy Spirit do whatever He's got to do. It's hard for us to just "get out of the way" sometimes isn't it? Even if we think we're right, sometimes, it just isn't up to us to make those decisions for the other person. We are each only responsible for our own behavior, decisions, words, hearts.

(long sigh) It's been a rough week. My husband and I had a conversation right before church... left me pretty angry inside. I'm tired of the enemy, I'm tired of weak armor, I'm tired of excuses. I'm tired. This era of "letting go"... man, there's just so much that keeps coming in that department. I know it's necessary, because there is a process here, for both of us. We are both going through different things but both processes are about character development and frankly more than that, it's working both of our lives into righteousness. OUCH... first of all, it's humbling realizing I was a lot farther away from righteousness in some of these areas than I thought I was and secondly, transformation is hard sweet friends, you know this too. We want to walk uprightly with God but sometimes that process can make us question if it's really what we want yeah? lol .... but it is, because why in the world would we want any less? So, here I am... taking a breath and pushing forward, working on these unlovely parts of me, allowing God to reveal what needs fixed, and choosing to trust that He knows what He's doing in all of this. 

I can't see past the uncertainty and sometimes these really hurtful moments... but I know that I don't have to see it, to know that God is here, He is in control, and everything will be okay. Shawn and I love each other very much, and we are both fighting through this season as best we can individually and together. I know that we are not the only marriage getting attacked, or the only people getting attacked. We live in a time where the Enemy of God's people is relentlessly bull rushing us all.... because he knows his time is short and his only goal is to take us all out.... we get it.... too bad Satan, you've already lost.

Stay strong sweet friends, whether it's your marriage, your family, your friends, your work, your ministry, or just you individually that is under attack and you feel desperate and defeated.... YOU are not, YOU have a hope, YOU can make it, YOU can be victorious in the face of evil. Put your hand in God's, ask Him to help you build your armor up, let Him lead you into the battle, and with everything you have sweet friends.... FIGHT!

love you -d 

What I know about love... so far.

   

My husband and I are on our 18th year of marriage. That seems crazy. Where did time go? Today is Valentine's Day and honestly, I've been doing some pondering the last 24 hours. This Valentine's is hitting a little bit different this year and .... that's ok. We are in a season of change. A season of reflection. A season of painful growth. That sounds a little weird but sweet friends, some growth comes with a lot of pain and I'm afraid we're there. And that's ok. The important part is, growth. 

      I've been thinking about "love" and what that looks like, what it really means, how it's changed over the years from what it was in the beginning for us. And here's what I'm realizing...

Love is long suffering.

Some versions use the word patient, but honestly, I like the phrasing of long suffering because it hits home a little more, because being patient with your spouse when they keep leaving the toilet seat up or trash all over the house or socks on the floor instead of the hamper, is a mild annoyance but we can be patient with the quirks of our spouse. But when our spouse is suffering from a deep hurt that they've carried for years and can't find the freedom to be able to lay it down, or they struggle in an area and can't seem to ever get to a place of surrender with God so those things becomes a part of who they are and it continues to show up and affect their lives, your life, the places God wants to take you but can't because He desires hearts before ministry... Love sticks by your spouse's side as you take their hand and you just keep walking, and praying, and hoping that someday.... they can let go and you both can move forward. In all honesty, sometimes suffering does last for a long time... but are we willing to walk through all the hard things that we literally have no control over as we patiently wait, for our spouse to get to the place they need to in order to heal? 

Love is kind.

Such a simple word but man.... it's hard sometimes isn't it sweet friends? Especially in a close relationship where you feel "safe" to let it all out. We can really hurt the people we feel safest with can't we? We went through a season where I filled our home with decor and notes that reminded us to be kind. We both needed that reminder in our faces constantly because the season we were in was hard. I might buy some more stuff now lol. Our words are so important sweet friends, the power of life or death is in the tongue... God warns us about that. He is so right. I know I am in a season right now where I am trying so hard to watch my words. I know that I have deeply hurt my husband this year, never intentionally... my heart has always been to champion my husband and to encourage him, I never want to destroy him, we've been through too much to try and tear him down now... but nonetheless, when my husband was hurting inside, I said words that deepened that hurt, that rubbed the wrong way, that frankly the enemy used to cause doubt and confusion... the enemy is super good at tricks like that. And I've realized especially this year as my husband has been battling a lot of things, that my words carry a lot more weight than I ever thought they did... and I need to be very intentional and careful with the words that I say. This is a lot harder than it sounds. Especially in moments when I find myself angry and hurt... but that's what love is too right? Love isn't about getting even or making sure that I am understood in that moment... but love is seeing past the circumstances and choosing to be kind, to speak life, and sometimes... if you don't have anything nice to say...don't say anything at all.. right? I never want to tear people down, I know that I have, even unintentionally, and that breaks my heart. I want people to feel safe around me and I want people to feel cared about and empowered when they are around me, I am in no way anybody's Savior... no thank you. But, I do want people to find me as a real friend even just for a moment. And I want my husband to always feel safe with me.

Love does not envy.

 Oh man, we don't think of this happening in a marriage, but it does sweet friends doesn't it? It may not be the most common thing we deal with throughout our marriages but it does rear it's ugly head once in a while. Shawn and I have both dealt with this. Shawn has always envied my relationship with God, crazy huh? Makes more sense as the years have gone by but early on in our marriage it was hard. Now, don't take that and run with it, Shawn has a strong relationship with God too. But, sometimes when we are weak in an area and someone else is really strong in that area... we can easily wish we were there too ya know? It happens. The awesome thing about God... He has no favorites... we can all be as deep and strong as we want to be with Him. Remember that sweet friends.

Me, I have envied Shawn's friendships over the years. I cut off my friendships and made a huge effort to isolate myself or at least hold people at a distance the last 10 years. Why? because I wanted to protect my husband. Sounds noble right? lol yeah... my heart was in a good place but it was also a dumb decision on my part. I didn't feel like I could be honest with people because we were going through some hard things and Shawn was going through some hard things which brought about some problems.. and I knew people would be mad at him. So I kept my mouth shut. I did damage to myself, and frankly, maybe to him as well. Maybe help would've been a good thing at the time. I'll never know for sure, but what I do know, is that I missed people. And even though I was glad Shawn had friends (though, they didn't know anything about what was going on either, but Shawn, and I think I've heard that most men do? has a great way of being able to switch gears and keep things in separate boxes so to speak.. and us women kind of have a hard time doing that... I do anyways) I envied the fact he had friends he could talk to about just the normal life stuff and be encouraged and prayed for and he even found a group of guys that hug each other... how awesome is that really? I'm all for that.  But I felt like I sacrificed friendships in order to protect my husband. My heart was in the right place I think towards my husband, but I don't think I actually did the right thing... I caused a lot of extra pain for myself and probably my husband too. It's amazing how one bad decision we make sweet friends can cause a chain affect in so many areas. I wish we could all just get it right the first time yeah?

I'm trying to better today. Shawn is trying to do better today. And hopefully as we move through this year, we can both celebrate each other and not find ourselves wishing and wanting what the other has.

Love does not parade itself.

 Some versions.."boast". In other words... love isn't selfish. Oh boy. Who hasn't dealt with this in a marriage???? (long sigh....) We're selfish people aren't we? I hate this fact. I hate how hard it is DAILY to make sure we are not focusing on ourselves, our own needs, wants, desires, feelings, frustrations, pain... and wish we both did a better job of laying our lives down for each other. I'm thinking Shawn and I are probably pretty equally guilty on this one. I almost think I am more guilty now than I have been our entire marriage truthfully. Maybe it's just because I'm in a season of exhaustion and I don't have the energy it "feels" like to care like I used to. Maybe it's not unhealthy necessarily in some things but I think I need to find that healthy line of what is "selfish" and what is not. Because truthfully, me being in a place of "not caring" is pretty selfish yeah? We're both in this stage right now and we've got some hard work to do that's for sure. "I love my husband/wife" is easy to say isn't it sweet friends, until we start looking at just how selfish we can be throughout our days... yeah. Really loving someone by dying to ourselves and putting their needs above our own... kinda where the rubber meets the road in marriage (and life.. with everyone) Walk humbly... probably one of the hardest things we'll ever do. But I guess we can be thankful that Jesus came and literally showed us how it's done, so.... no excuses right? 

Love is not puffed up... (Prideful)

hmmmmmm. Change is a part of growth. Change is hard. We need to grow. We are constantly changing and growing aren't we? And that requires us to continue to get to know each other... again, and again, and again. It also requires a submissive heart not only to each other as we move forward together through all life's changes, but also a constant surrender to the Holy Spirit as we become who He's calling us to be and all the changes that need to take place in us along the way. Pride doesn't just "show up" one day... it creeps into our hearts daily if we allow it, until one day, it's too big to contain. Pride has to die daily sweet friends. That's hard.  Sometimes in our marriage, we get too caught up in our "rights"... I have a right to feel this way.... I have a right to act this way... I have a right to be angry and bitter... 

we actually don't sweet friends. we don't. Because we belong to God and He is very clear where our "rights" die and He lives within us. There is a balance here... a healthy balance. We have God given emotions and we have the right to "feel" them... but we do not have the "right" to act outside the boundaries of what God tells us is acceptable. And that takes work knowing and understanding what those boundaries are. It all boils down to our individual relationship with God and allowing Him to teach us where those boundary lines are between righteous and disobedient. These are hard lessons in a marriage aren't they? And we cross these lines way too much. But when we do cross them, there are painful consequences.

Love does not behave rudely.

Welp.... oops. It would be easy to throw this one in with being kind and watching our words... but it's a little more than that. I believe "rude" is more a heart attitude than a vocabulary slip up. And that's what makes it more painful I think. The intent behind the words. This is hard to control because we are emotional people (all of us) and we tend to speak from our emotions. That's why God says, "out of the heart, the mouth speaks".

Our emotions can get us into a lot of trouble can't they? I know over the years, I have tried really hard to master the art of filtering through my emotions before they come spilling out of my mouth. Unfortunately, I may have tried to master a little too much ya know what mean? Now I'm finding... I have sort of "shut down" my emotions out of self preservation. That's going to be fun "unlearning". But I have become more intentional over the years to filter before I speak and to really evaluate where I'm at before I talk about things. I've never really been a "blurt things out as they come" kind of person but definitely have gotten better at checking myself first. Now, my face has a tendency to show you what I'm thinking instantly... which is something I am working on, but what shows up on my face and what comes out of my mouth are completely different lol. 

You know it's funny (not really) but recently, Shawn was pretty hurt by me and he said "Do you realize that you never look at me anymore..." That realization for me, hurt too. He wasn't wrong. I hadn't realized I was doing that, but I do. And honestly sweet friends, it's because of this right here.... my face is showing my instant frustration, hurt, anger, in the moment it happens. Now, what comes out of my mouth is still filtered but right now, Shawn is focusing more on my face than my words. And that's hard. Because right now, my husband is in a place inside where he is easily hurt on top of other hurt... and unfortunately, when we filter how we see and hear things through our own emotions... it's easy to misread a look, or assume way more than we should in a situation. And that's what's happening right now... I don't really think it's anybody's fault, it's just what he's going through, but... it makes things really hard. And me hiding my face from my husband because a simple look of frustration, can actually be a huge fiery dart into his heart... makes me shut down and try to become as invisible as possible in a hard conversation... because I don't want him to read more into my face than what is actually there, because I do love him. Is this healthy? Absolutely not... it's not healthy for either of us... but we're gonna be working on this and come to a better place of heart attitudes towards each other. Not easy sweet friends... we can be rude and hurtful. This needs to change.

Love does not seek it's own....(demand it's own way)

Man, this blog is getting a lot harder than I thought it would be lol. It's okay, clearly as the tears are falling this morning, and God is gently revealing some things that I haven't wanted to recognize in myself or even in my husband... He is opening some locked rooms, know what I mean? It's not fun... but God is definitely using this vulnerability in blogging right now to work... and I guess I'm thankful for that. And for whoever you are that needs to read this and know that you are not in this journey alone...I'm praying for you. Please know that.

Back to not demanding our own way. Yikes. This has been by far one of the HARDEST lessons I have had to and still have to learn in marriage. My way is not always the right way to do something. And my way might be the right way to do something but that doesn't always matter because sometimes we just have to learn something or work through something however we need to. And sometimes we just have to "back off" and let each other go through something however we need to go through it. And we have to be okay with that. And that's hard. 

It's hard watching the struggle in someone else isn't it? Especially if we love them. We want to "fix" everything don't we? Shawn and I both have this problem. We both want to "fix" the other person's problems or situations... but usually we just end up making it worse or end up hurting each other in the process. The truth is, we can't fix other people. We're actually not meant to. Only Jesus can be our Savior, their Savior... and until we/they submit whatever part of them needs fixing to Him, all we can do sweet friends is learn how to "love" them through THEIR process. Whatever that looks like, right or wrong, long or short... it's Theirs. That's hard to do huh? And not just in marriage... but in all relationships, in ministry, everything. We want our way to be the way of choice... for everyone.... but it's not. And it can't be. We're all different and though God sets standards and boundary lines and rules and expectations for all of us that are the EXACT SAME because we are His Children and He has no favoritism with any of us... our journeys are still so very unique and different.... and incredibly personal between us and our Creator. How amazing is that really? Let's not forget that with anyone. But especially those we hold extra close and those we actually walk daily with... let them be. 

Love is not provoked.

This one is particularly a painful one for me. Not that I haven't ever provoked my husband but truthfully, I have done my very best for many years to not provoke him. Things don't usually go too well for me when Shawn is angry so this isn't something I take lightly for sure.  But being on the other side of this has probably been one of the most hurtful places for me. I don't like being provoked. I don't like feeling that the one person who is honestly supposed to love me, tries to get me to a place where I act out of character. Character that I take very seriously and put my whole heart into. I am ALWAYS 100% responsible for what I say and what I do no matter what the circumstances are. And I have learned over the last several years, just how weak my armor has been in a couple areas... and it surprised me how it wasn't as strong as I thought it was. And I'll be honest sweet friends, I have learned a lot about God's heart throughout this particular struggle. Even when I get to a place where I reach my breaking point and I step into sin... God's heart Breaks for me. Did you hear what I'm saying? We often think that God just gets angry with us when we sin, and that's not untrue but I also think it very much depends on the circumstances the type of response God has towards us in those moments of sinful behavior. He tells us that He looks at our hearts. I am so thankful for this huge truth about God sweet friends. Ya know the moment I reach this particular breaking point and do what I absolutely HATE to do... I instantly feel bad.. not because I think that God is furious with me, but because I've done something that I know hurts His heart. He can take it lol, but it doesn't change the fact that it's disappointing that I haven't strengthened my character in that area and I allowed myself to cross a line I don't want to cross. But you know what I've sensed in my spirit, in these moments of my weakness and sin... God is more upset and broken over what got me there and He knows my heart is breaking over my own sin. And though repentance IS necessary for me to address my downfall with God, He has always been so gentle in those moments of my repentance. God loves us sweet friends and He knows our hearts in those moments of weakness. Press forward and build that armor stronger than it was yesterday. 

Also know this, our actions are always 100% our responsibility. But when WE cause others to stumble or we intentionally provoke them to anger.... WE are 100% responsible for OUR actions in doing so. And God is NOT okay with us doing that to other people. In fact, He's quite fierce. So sweet friends, don't do it. If you find yourself struggling with this, talk to Jesus and ask Him for help in guarding your own heart to never want anyone to stumble into sin. 

Love keeps no record of wrongs.

Oh boy, 18 years is a long time full of mess ups. This is probably a super hard one for most people yeah? Shawn and I are kind of opposites on this one. I will say this, one thing I started doing many many many years ago before Shawn and I ever got married, I was always really involved in ministry and leadership and you are always dealing with people that can disappoint and hurt you right? Well, I had witnessed so many people leaving the church and ministry because they had been hurt, and I didn't want to ever get to that place in my own life so I started praying a really simple but powerful prayer..."Lord, help me love people." Changed my life. I encourage everyone in ministry or not to pray that little prayer, it makes a huge transformation in your heart I promise. So I am not the type of person that holds grudges and frankly it takes an awful lot to upset me, which I'm thankful for. 

But, when Shawn and I started down a really hard journey, I knew that I did not want to become angry or bitter and waste my time on focusing on hurts, ect. So the Holy Spirit started doing an amazing work throughout my marriage in teaching me how to work through things as they came and deal with anger and resentment and really learn how to forgive my husband as we walked through the fires. And I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit teaching me how to do that. We don't forget things, but they don't have to grip us and hold us back if we don't let them. This is a continual process in my life to "let things go" with anyone that hurts me. People hurt other people. Hurt people hurt people. But if we can learn how to process our pain and not let it build up in anger, then hopefully we won't be the ones walking around hurting other people and that's a good goal I think. 

Love does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth.

I am THANKFUL for a husband with big integrity and morals. This might be an area that we actually do well in! Finally. lol. We both share the same values and beliefs and we both work really hard to please God with our lives. Quick to admit where we don't have things all together. Do our best to never walk in hypocrisy and always encourage each other and everyone around us to do what is right. Accountability has always been huge in our marriage and we both do our best to "keep each other in line" with our actions and words. 

Love bears all things.

This one, is super hard sweet friends.  There's a lot of heavy burdens that we carry in this life don't we? And it would be so amazing if we could always tell them and share them with the one we've chosen to "do life with" right? And honestly, if you have found that to be an easy thing in your marriage... you are so blessed and need to be so thankful for that. I don't really feel like this particular topic is one I'm willing to dive in on but I will say, this love action carries a lot of weight in a marriage. And I think honestly if this particular area could be one of the strongest areas, a lot of the areas would probably not be as hard. 

Also, sometimes it's easy for us to listen and get involved with other people's burdens, especially when we are in ministry (right?) and at the same time neglect the people we live with. It's a hard thing, but it happens way too much.

We have definitely not mastered this....yet. 

Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...

THIS. 

What a journey 18 years have been. Don't doubt your spouse. Man, that takes mental effort.  Building a foundation where you can trust each other is actually hard, because saying you trust someone isn't the same as actually putting your hand in theirs and saying, "k, let's go."  Trust is built over time. Day in and day out. Ups and downs. Good and Bad. Consistency and Character are foundational to Trust. 

When life gets hard, when things feel stale, when you go through phases in your relationship, when things change.... this foundation is what will see you through. This is marriage.

This is where we are at right now in our own marriage journey. It's tough. But we have a solid foundation and for that.... we'll be okay. We'll make it. We will win.

These verses, have been a good reflection on our marriage... but these verses are a deeper reflection of our relationship with God. Which is what marriage is actually a picture of isn't it? Kinda cool how God did that I think. Show us what His relationship with us is SUPPOSED to be like. 

The truth about a strong marriage, is the fact that it's not just about you and your spouse. It's about GOD, you, and your spouse. Sweet friends, without God in the CENTER of your marriage... it's too hard. You might be able to cut God out of your marriage and stay together till the end of time even... but you're doing it wrong. Things are still gonna be so much worse and damaging for you in the long run if you choose to leave the Designer of Marriage, out of your marriage. That's just facts. 

The truth is, these verses weren't written about marriage, you know that right? They were written about us and our relationship with God. And how that spills out in our lives in how we love others. Spouses included. Every relationship we have sweet friends, stems and is determined by what our relationship with Jesus looks like. Get that right, all this stuff will get right too.

I'm focusing on where I'm at with my marriage... but now it's time to go back through these, and have a conversation with God about some things ya know? God knows what He's doing with me... and I love that about Him. Gentle reminders that my relationship with Him matters... to Him. 

This blog took 24 hours to finish... cuz I'm busy... but also because I had to take some time to wipe a few tears here and there and just sit with a few things for a bit. I hope whoever reads this super vulnerable blog, finds whatever it is that God is wanting you to find here. He loves you, and He wants to make not only our relationships, whether it's marriage, or friendship, or just our relationship with Him... completely whole. He's the Only One that can sweet friends. Trust Him and remember this very HUGE truth....

Love Never Fails. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 

  

  

Coming "Home".....

 

Oh sweet friends, you know how we read in the Bible all these stories of how God restores right?   And He is a Restorer of so many things yes?! Different types of restoration are referenced throughout the Bible and what a beautiful picture of God's heart really. God loves His creation, all of it. And all the things that He's created for us and the good works He's begun in us.... He loves those things too. And when those things, are stolen from us because of whatever circumstances we face and sometimes because we allow the enemy access to take those things from us, or the things that we've forgotten and pushed away because of trials we may have been going through, or the things that we've had to lay down and walk away from for a while because God asked us to in order to serve Him better.

Those things..... He can resurrect and restore.... because that's Who He is and because He loves His creation. It's actually pretty phenomenal if you ask me. Maybe because I'm witnessing this process more than I ever have before and it means so much because it's so .... personal.

So if you've followed my journey on here over the last 10 years (I've been blogging for 10 years... crazy) or if by chance you are someone who actually knows Shawn and I personally... then you know how big this next sentence is...

The time has finally come, honestly quite unexpectedly, but God has called us back to "Church".

I know right?! 

Honestly, it has been such a humbling feeling, not in a "don't be prideful" kind of way, but rather in a "thank you God, I have missed this part of my life so much" kind of way. It's humbling because He's been so gentle in drawing us back in to the fellowship of a church body. And the crazy thing here is, this particular church we have felt led to go to... is my roots. I attended this church as a child and there is a real sweetness to this part of my journey. One that I can "feel" is a huge part of my restoration. God is so gentle with us sweet friends. I'm humbled by His hand in my life right now.

I'm also nervous, I'm not gonna lie. You know what's awesome about walking into a place full of SPIRIT FILLED PEOPLE? ..... you instantly feel at "home".  You know what's terrifying walking into a place full of Spirit filled people?.... You know the Holy Spirit can tell them anything He wants to about you and they'll hear it. lol.... and as much as I find that comforting, I also find it a little scary right now, know what I mean? There's a lot going on in our lives. A lot going on in my heart. And I've walked a hard journey alone for the last 10 years, an incredibly private journey. What does God have in store for me when it comes to "restoration"? I really have no idea, but you know what my biggest struggle is going to be I think? Vulnerability. And as much as I hate to admit that, because that is not how I want to be.... it's there and I know it's going to be a bit of a struggle to learn how to let go in that area. It's much easier writing to people I can't see... crazy huh? And truthfully, I'm already sensing that He might be talking to some people there about me.... yikes. 

You know what else I'm internally having a struggle with... the fact that we had to walk back into a building, in order to feel connection within the Body of Christ. Now we rub shoulders with the Body of Christ all the time sweet friends, you know, we've never given up "meeting together" with other Believers... we just stopped going to the buildings that also housed wickedness and mingled relationship with God and relationship with the gods of this world at the same time (not any different than what we read about in the Bible huh?) but.... it bugs me sweet friends, that in order to belong and frankly be cared about... WE had to GO to a Building. 

Now there's nothing wrong with going to a building full of God's people. And these particular people have done nothing wrong. Clearly.  But in the past 10 years, of not having a "church" home... God has really taught Shawn and I what He meant about us "Being" the Church. And sadly, we've really realized just how far we ALL have strayed away from God's heart on this. We expect people to come to us. Not us go out... and make disciples. 

You know what's crazy, when we made the decision to walk out of the building 10 years ago... people right away wanted us to "come to their church", lots of people from many different churches. Because we had good relationship with many people in the "church community", people knew us, people wanted us in ministry at their church. Awesome. Of course, we said no since God was the one removing us from this particular part of our lives. But over time, you know what happened? We didn't matter anymore. Now that sounds harsh... but???? 

It's okay, we aren't actually upset about it, but it was a HUGE learning experience for us. We NEEDED the Body of Christ sweet friends, really in so many ways... and so many of them (not all but most) were no where to be found, because they were too busy inside their buildings. And my guess is assuming we were inside a different building therefore not needing any of them to care... which totally was not the case. And I believe that is the absolute truth. Now we were just as guilty right? It just took us walking out to realize how we ALL were missing the point of how to "BE" the Church.  

God has taught us over the past 10 years how to really "love our neighbors" and honestly sweet friends, I am so very thankful for this hard and sometimes painful lesson we have learned. And it's a lesson that we are not going to forget, even as we step back into a building. WE are the CHURCH and we need to connect and love on our Brothers and Sisters in Christ no matter whether they frequent a building here in town or not. We've got to do a better job at being the Body. What if.... there's people out there just like us, going through some really hard things, and they never make their way into our building? What happens to them? Is it their fault? Is it our fault? Is it both? I don't know. There's an element to us taking the first step towards connection, taking responsibility in knowing that is what God is calling us to do and also realizing the place we are at and the need to belong right now. However, we are the Body of Christ and there is an expectation that God places on us to do what He's called us to do in loving the Body and that is more us learning how to sacrifice and lay down our lives for others, not wait for everyone to come to us. 

There's a balance but we need to know what that balance is. 

If anything, this journey has taught me to not wait to love on somebody if I have an opportunity to do so. To not just assume that "somebody else" is being a friend, or a support, or an encourager... just "do" whatever God is laying on my heart to do "WHEN" He's asking me to do it. Obedience really is all it is sweet friends. And a willingness to be a little "inconvenienced" to take my focus off of my own life for a little bit and really practice loving others.

So, this is a bit of an adjustment, stepping back inside a building and all that comes with it. Keeping my heart soft to the things that God is actually calling me back to (I know some of those things are coming... because it's who I am and I know it's part of what God is wanting to restore in me) I'm not ready today, I may not be ready for a while... but I will fight the fear and the tired and do my best to let go and let God resurrect the things that have died within me over the years... because those things belong to Him, and whatever He desires from me.... I want to be obedient. He deserves nothing less. Because He has always been faithful, even when I allowed the enemy to steal from me, even when I buried and silenced the dreams and desires He had placed within me, even when I've forgotten the purposes and His promises for me, even when I willingly laid down those things that were so very important to me, the things that helped define who I was, because He asked for my heart before my talents... I laid them down at His feet. And now, I'm going to watch God restore all the things that I have lost over the years.

Because HE is always faithful sweet friends. He is always faithful.

I'm guessing... there's more to come. ;) love ya sweet friends. -d