Oh sweet friends.... what a month this has been! I'll tell you what, I am battle weary no doubt. My armor has taken a beating, but... it held together praise God. One thing I have really learned and become so much more aware of on this journey of faith, is that WE are in charge of strengthening that armor. Daily. The areas where our armor isn't as thick, or as strong, weaker... we NEED to do the work with the Spirit to strengthen those pieces and build our armor up. We love to think "I have the armor of God woot woot, I can face anything" and that's it right? I mean, that's also truth, but there is SO MUCH MORE to our armor than that isn't there? Ever thought about it? You should. It's important. These battles we face can be really tough and sometimes even unbearable it seems at times doesn't it? And that is why the strength of our armor is so important sweet friends. The Enemy is relentless and he will not let up.... but our armor needs to hold up under the pressure and attack. And that really is on us. One thing about this journey I'm on sweet friends, It's been good at showing me where my weaknesses are. I've got work to do.
It's been pretty "dark" for me these last couple of weeks, know what I mean? A couple days, I literally just sat on the floor, turned on some worship music, and stared at the wall (not in like a creepy losing my mind type of way lol) but more a "I'm at the end of my rope, I can't function, I need peace and quiet, catch my breath, and just trust in Jesus" kind of way. It's been rough. And I've heard the enemy off and on trying to plant harmful things in my mind... the jerk. But I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit and the discernment to recognize the enemy when he tries to pounce. I'm on the other side of that now, and I think God is giving me a little reprieve from the enemy and the chaos... and I'll take it for as long as He'll give it to me. A gentle reminder that God IS in the midst of the trial and He is ABSOLUTELY faithful to us... always.
Ya know, no matter what we face in this life, whether it's of our own making, or someone else's, or just because of the fallen world that we live in... there's always a lesson sweet friends, because that's who God is. He will turn everything into good for those that love Him. I'm not sure what all the lessons I'm supposed to be learning through all of this are just yet, but I can tell you that the word TRUST is definitely holding a deeper meaning every day as I walk through this uncertain and unpredictable journey right now. Learning to lean on the Spirit and trust that I'm making the right decisions, not only for myself but for others close to the situation, forces me to stay close to His side and in the center of His peace which is the only thing guiding me in all this chaos.
You know what's been interesting here lately? Every time I sit down in the mornings to open up my Bible, my mind wanders to the situation I'm in, the worries I have, the stress of it all... and I hate that. I want to focus on what God has for me, be strengthened, grow... you know what I'm talking about, I know many of you experience this too. Whether it's just me dealing with everything on my mind or whether it's spiritual... it doesn't really matter honestly, it just needs to change and I need to learn how to press in harder and get to His feet... know what I mean? Because that's where I'm going to find my strength.
(long sigh.......) I'm working on it. I'm tired. But, it's an important part of this battle and I will get there.
You know what else I'm learning in this difficult time? The art of "listening". Do you know how many times I honestly feel like no one listens to me? A lot this year actually. I'm not really angry about it, more sad and disappointed than anything, but definitely more aware of it. Probably because I'm a little raw right now and wish someone would be interested enough to ask the hard questions, or truthfully even any questions about my life really. Several months ago, the Holy Spirit dropped something in my heart to do with my husband. The Holy Spirit told me to go 31 days (why? no idea) in silence with my husband... now this is in no way comparable to the "silent treatment".. not at all, this was about me honestly just letting him talk things out and not say anything unless he specifically asked for my opinion or asked me a question. Now, that definitely went against my grain, lol. BUT it was necessary because Shawn was in a hard place and no matter what I said, it would make things worse. And I watched as the Holy Spirit brought out some things in my husband during that process. Now truthfully... we're still kinda in this "me keeping my mouth shut" season of our lives which is probably why I wish other people would be interested in listening to me lol and probably why God is like, "you need to blog" lol... hold too much stuff in and I'll explode right? But this has been an interesting time for me too. The Holy Spirit has definitely had to teach me the discipline of keeping my mouth shut and knowing when to speak and knowing the right words to say. I have messed up a few times but I am learning everyday and as hard as it has been, I'm thankful for the lesson. It's made me more aware and more intentional in the words that I do say to everyone I talk to and it's made me a better listener I believe. And I've found this determination, to ask people questions, to intentionally show them that I am interested in their lives. And that matters sweet friends. I can see it in the faces of the friends, strangers... that I talk to. People want to be cared about. People want connection. I want connection. "Ain't nothin to it but to do it." (quote my youth pastor used to always say... it's a good one and super true.) And the reality is... what do we really have to lose? Nothing sweet friends. We have nothing to lose in trying to care and connect with others... but what an amazing thing we could GAIN if we make that connection right? So do it. Let's be more intentional in connecting with the people God places in our lives. They might just be feeling as hurt and lost as we are. Reach out.
Love you sweet friends, I'm sure there's more to come. Pray for me, I'm praying for you. And remember... God IS faithful to us always. Stay close. -d
