A time to be alone....

 Christmas Day was really hard this year sweet friends. Not because anyone was missing from the table, in fact we had a house full of family, friends, and extended family this year. Happy voices and laughter filled the room. My dad, who normally eats the meal and leaves... lingered for a long time. He told me before he left, "This was really nice, to be around happy people today, this was good." My heart soared for my Dad, he's been going through a lot these past few years and I could see the difference the day made for him.

But it was a very different day for me.... nobody in the room knew the real battle taking place. My husband was having a meltdown. Now, parts of that were very evident to the people sitting around, I don't think anyone in the room didn't realize quickly that something wasn't right with my husband.   Normally he's the fun guy in the room, full of good conversation and laughter... but that's not what anybody saw. 

I'm telling you sweet friends, when we allow things to continue to build and fester in our lives, it's going to spill out in the most inconvenient of times. And it did. He left me at my mom's house and went home. Then he packed a bag and left. Merry Christmas. 

Sweet friends, we're okay. This is more about what he is personally going through than us as a married couple. And I really debated even writing about this and sharing something super personal here. But... it's part of this journey we are both on. It's part of my journey and allowing you to walk with me through this, I believe is part of what God is doing in me. Sharing this type of information about the deep things in my life, has become a very foreign concept the last 10 years. God is bringing me out of that part of my life. Will I be careful what I do share on here, absolutely. But... this is REAL life, and we all go through hard times, I'm no different. But maybe, just maybe I can lead even through this. I will get through this, God will have the victory in my life, in my attitude, in my actions and if I can bring you along and show you how to do that... maybe it will encourage you in whatever struggle you are facing.

The thing about Believers, we need to be showing people how to walk through our struggles not pretend we never have any. My husband and I are just 2 people going through something that SO MANY couples go through. We aren't special. But we both belong to Jesus and because of THAT, we can bring you along in this journey and show you, how 2 people that belong to Jesus can and will find victory and will learn how to surrender to our Creator and Author of our lives. 

This road could continue to get rocky, and we have an Enemy that is for sure targeting and chasing us right now... like so many other Believers right now (yes? you know what I mean, if you are filled with the spirit, there is no denying demons have amped up their game here recently everywhere... we are definitely in a spiritual war) I'm not looking forward to baring my raw emotions and difficult journey with complete strangers, or with people that we know (why does that almost seem harder?) but... If the Spirit prompts me to share, then I will choose obedience. Because we are in spiritual warfare and if God wants me to share, I'm gonna share and trust Him for the reason. 

Back to my story.... I saw God intervening the entire day, things that were strategic with how (God's Plan) unfolded. My husband is staying in a very tiny cabin here in town, out at a campground that we know well, and we have a good relationship with the caretakers there. I call it the Shack (sound familiar?) I believe this is where God is going to work my husband over or he's gonna surrender. Just a feeling I have. And this isn't really a "separation", we aren't estranged. He just needs to figure some stuff out and I need some space to breathe. We're talking, we're spending time together, counseling is coming into the mix... it's just time for personal reflection and getting things straightened out in both our hearts and minds.

Is this a little scary? yes it is. Because I can only control me. My heart and mind are full all on their own and I am completely exhausted in every single way. And life is still going on... quickly and full. I own a business, I have plans for this business, a dream and a direction that GOD has placed in my heart for my business. And a determination that this time... the Enemy is NOT going to stop me or hold me back from accomplishing what God has placed in my heart to do, even though I believe that is exactly part of what is happening here with all of this. I'm having a very hard time concentrating on the things I wish I could concentrate on and instead, I'm worried about the state my husband is in and how I am supposed to move forward in all of this. Sometimes life just isn't fair is it sweet friends? But, God didn't promise a world of "fair" did He? No, but He does promise to walk with us and guide us through all the chaos and crazy of this world. And that is exactly what I plan to do, hopefully once I can catch up on some much needed sleep. Not tonight though, it's New Year's and we already committed to a community party. 

(long sigh) I want to be full of joy, but today, I'm just so tired. My smile won't be fake, because I can smile in this, yes it's painful, yes it continues to hurt, yes I feel insecure, yes, I'm a little angry that we are wasting our time on our own selfishness... but I have seen God's hand in my life so much lately that to ignore His presence and care in our lives would be the stupidest thing I could do right now. He is in control of what is happening in my life right now, my faith has to take action and trust that He is working in my life, in my husband's life. I don't feel worthy to encourage a friend... but I will. I don't feel worthy to touch base with couples we have counseled recently, but I will. Because HE is faithful to the work HE does. Thankfully, we don't take credit for the work God does in other people's lives, we know we are only vessels He CHOOSES to use, when we are walking with Him, not people He NEEDS to do His work. And that's why I can smile in the midst of this storm, and encourage when I feel so weak... Because HE is God and I am not. And honestly for that, I am so thankful. 

It's about time for my husband to get off work and come here so we can go to the party together. Bring in the new year and whatever that entails. Do I have any new year's resolutions? lol... I think I'm just gonna take it one day at a time for a while and my only goal is that I choose to walk in obedience everyday to the God who holds my future, who created me and loves me, and because He lives... I know I can face tomorrow. 

Happy New Year sweet friends. love ya - d

Learning God's heart in the waiting...

 

You know what's hard sweet friends? I had a really hard and hurtful night tonight.. and I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. Now I have an amazing family who are absolutely there for me no matter what.... but sometimes there are just things that need not be shared with family ya know? If you don't know, that's okay too, I just don't want to dive into the details of why tonight, so hopefully you can just take my word for that. And some friends, which I also have, I don't know, there are some things that I feel are just too much information and honestly sometimes in the struggle, I don't want to cause confusion or a bad witness, does that make sense? I believe in being transparent, and I don't believe any of us should try to hide that we have struggles, actually, I think good leaders and Believers need to in fact, SHOW the world HOW to get through trials and struggles, not pretend we don't have any.  But even with that, I do believe there is wisdom involved and we need to handle ourselves in the best way that glorifies God and doesn't become selfish just because we want to be heard and understood ... kinda make sense? 

Anyway, tonight my head and my heart hurt really bad over some things going on in my life. And I honestly didn't even want to be around any family or friends even trying to do something to take my mind off of things because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to focus or things might just come spilling out. It's a hard place to be right now. Of course God and I had a very long conversation in the car, He has been my best friend for many many many years now... but I admit, I did tell Him how much I wish He'd give me that friend He's promised me. 

This has been an interesting journey too, I KNOW that God has placed the desire in my heart for a good friend, at first that thought was a real struggle for me and something I honestly didn't want, but once I conceded because I understood the nature of why He was placing that desire back in my heart... it's been hard waiting. But ... I think I understand that too, maybe. The truth is, I don't just want anybody, I NEED someone who loves the Lord and someone who will have wisdom in seeing the truth of situations, not someone who gets caught up in emotions of the situations. And that person, whoever they are... is worth the wait.  I'm not even looking for them, because I know, when the time is right, God will make it very clear. Do I have any idea who it could be? Maybe. But I don't want my own thoughts to interfere with the truth. So I will wait, patiently for God to move and fulfill His promise to me. Until then, I will continue to do what I've always done... press on, walk humbly in the midst of what I cannot control and do my best to glorify God with my attitude and actions in the midst of really hard days. Because no matter who is in my life, God will always be the One I run to first.

Is it weird that I'm talking about this on here? Yeah it totally feels that way, however, I know the Spirit's prompting and my guess is, someone reading this needs to hear it. Whether you are in the same place that I'm in and you too are longing for a friend, or maybe you are the friend that God is calling to be in someone else's life.... either way, He has His reasons and even if it feels weird and a little uncomfortable to be so vulnerable with strangers...I'll be obedient.  And truthfully, I highly doubt my "friend" probably reads my blogs lol... although who knows! I'm not gonna worry about it, it is what it is.    

 You know, it probably seems like I have all these expectations for a friend, and really, I don't. In fact, I'll probably give more than I take. I'm not looking for a friend to coddle me or even be around all the time... I don't need that. I just am desiring a good solid friend who will take God's hand and mine at the same time. The kind of friend who I can just tell the hard things to and not have to be careful with what I say (not in vocabulary, but in the details) The kind of friend that maybe I don't even have to say anything but they know I'm having a hard day and they can just pray for me (this one is for real, because most people don't know that I'm having a hard day, not saying that's always the right thing, but it's been the normal for a long time for me) Those are the expectations really, because that's the kind of friend I try to be. 

Why is having a friend like this so important? Man, it's been interesting realizing WHY this type of friend is so important... God is the ONE who sustains me, who COMPLETES me, who makes me WHOLE... and ONLY HIM. But.... God has been revealing some things in me over the past several months, and He is slowly showing me how He is healing me and restoring me in several areas of my life. It is so humbling sweet friends, I don't think I can even put words to it all. God cares so much for us, and the thing is, He could heal me and restore me ALL ON HIS OWN... easy, BUT He CHOOSES to use His Body (us) in the healing and restoration process. What an amazing picture of His heart sweet friends! Not only is He revealing His heart to me as He works to heal and restore me, but He is also teaching me what it looks like to be a part of the Body of Christ and what He expects from all of us. We are all to love our Brothers and Sisters in Christ and work to bring them healing (relationship with God in all things) and restoration (helping them become what God is calling them to be). This process is not just about what God is doing for me, but what He also wants to do through me for other Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Can you imagine, if we all were the kind of friends we all wished we had? We should be. 

In my restoration process, I have a pretty good idea of the type of person God is going to bring into my life. I could be wrong, I'm not God. But... I also have some wisdom and I think I have a pretty good idea what it might look like. And it's a little intimidating, because I am a strong woman, a leader, I can read people pretty well and often can see right through them (know what I mean?) I don't beat around the bush and I get down to business pretty quick, I don't play games and I encourage and sometimes push people in the right direction (in a good leadership type of way..) .... and I'm pretty sure that's exactly the type of person God is gonna send me. Maybe even a few... because that's His nature. Restoration is a real thing with a real process that God only knows, but as excited as I am to have a friend like that, it's also probably gonna be an adjustment being on the other side of things. I'll take it in stride, and I'll be thankful that God is doing a work, even if it is uncomfortable at times. 

Trusting God's heart for us and His timing is part of our faith journey isn't it? It's where the rubber meets the road and we choose to live out what we say we believe. Even in the midst of all this turmoil and hurt, God is revealing His heart to me and I'm learning so many new things about Him on a much deeper level and I am so very thankful for that. God is good, All the time. Don't forget that! Love you sweet friends, now keep trusting God in whatever situation you are in and let's all do a better job loving the people that God places in front of us. We can do this! -d