Now, the thing about me, and if you've been walking with me in this journey, you know that I try to be as quick as possible to act in obedience when God tells me to do something. To get rid of things right away ya know? So, it felt uncomfortable to sit with this for 2 weeks, I couldn't understand really why.
but.... I know the voice of God, so even though I was struggling with the concept a bit, I said...okay.
Here's the thing... during that two weeks as I kept wondering about the timeline, I became more aware of the amount of spiritual warfare circling about so to speak. And I started realizing that maybe that had something to do with God not wanting me to throw those in the trashcan at home. Now I don't even remotely understand how the spiritual realm works. I've dealt with spiritual warfare situations most of my life, I also know God has given me insight and discernment in this particular area however, with everything that I have learned, I am still very aware that I really know nothing lol. But, it was starting to make more sense the more I thought about it. And I believe that I was right, a sweet sister in Christ and one of the leaders told of a vision she had while at the Encounter of Angels forming a hedge of protection so to speak over the sanctuary ect, and it deeply resonated that this was a "safe" place to lay down those letters.
The other part of the wait, I don't think I was completely ready and God knew I needed more than just tossing them all in the trash that day. I was able to sit with those letters over the weekend and actually read them before letting them go...and I discovered a couple things I needed to see.
1. Some of those letters, dated back 5 years. Same prayers I'm praying today. That was eye opening. Frustrating. Angering. Discouraging. but eye opening.
2. There was a recurring theme inside these letters...every. single. one. I was begging God to make me a better wife. To help me change to be a better wife. and on the very last letter I read, there it was again... Lord, help me be a better wife.... and I heard God speak to my heart and He said, "you need to let that go too."
You know what's crazy? The last Encounter I was at, I had written something down on a piece of paper, a little paper that was meant to be laid down at His feet....but I just couldn't do it. I held it for the entire weekend and I just couldn't let it go. I didn't really think it was a big deal at the time really, I just ....stuck it in my Bible too. Kind of ironic, but I pulled it out and read it again.... and the whole thing was my apology to God for not realizing that I was walking in disobedience to Him all because I was trying to be a better wife. I let that paper go too...
There was no hoopla when I decided to walk up and lay them down. It wasn't even during one of the "moments" designated to do it. It was just in a quiet moment that I finally felt ready to let them go and everything they represented in complete surrender to whatever the outcome God decides and I definitely have felt some things breaking free in me since that act of obedience.
I can't fully explain what letting those all go actually feels like. It's been a few weeks now and I still don't have a solid handle on it. I feel the freedom for sure. Strength in holding these harsh boundaries. A peace and contentment that has replaced guilt for feeling "mean" or "uncaring" as a wife while setting harsh boundaries and making myself a priority in healing. And then there's the unsettling side of it... those letters, I've always thought they were going to be a "testimony" of what God brought us through... and now I'm sitting here with questions. I know I can't linger here, it won't be productive because I do not know what the future holds and I know that God is good and I can trust Him even in this. But my humanness wants to know...what does "letting go" of those letters really mean?
Things at home now..... are different. My days are different. And my emotions, are a bit of a rollercoaster honestly. Not like out of control, but just a mixture of being able to breathe and sort of finding me a little bit again (sounds kind of cliche but it's not) I've felt so numb for so long that that is starting to change here in this place. I caught myself smiling while I was mopping my floors the other day, just content in my home...it was a good feeling. Then I cried later because I miss my husband and I'm lonely. And this is still our house, "he" is still tucked in these corners. I've found myself moving his things and gathering them together and placing them downstairs...part of me feels guilty doing that but it's also painful to have everything laying around when he's not here. It's a weird and painful place to be honestly and I hate it. But I keep reminding myself that this is the right thing for now. Things have to change, I need healing and a space to do that in. I have peace during this hard time, so I know God is in it and I am being obedient. Still hurts.
And the conversations .... don't hold much depth anymore...know why? Because I'm not driving them. That's been a really hard realization, and not just in my relationship with my husband but in so many of my relationships, which honestly just adds to my loneliness. And shows me one more area that I need to change in myself. Which is....just stop. Stop leading conversations, stop being the one to always reach out, stop making myself believe that I am important to people and let them show me that I actually am. I don't mean that as harsh as it sounds, there is a balance, we are followers of Jesus and we love on people regardless of whether or not they reciprocate, and we also understand that there is a world of hurting people out there just like us, and they may not have the capacity to love back the way they should right now or truthfully, some people may be doing the exact same thing of trying to test and see who genuinely cares about them... so I'm not talking as a whole....just in the places where I feel like I do have to be someone they "need" in their life in order for them to care about me. Didn't realize I did that till God and I started doing some work, now I'm embarrassed to admit that I am a little desperate to feel loved in some ways.
The important thing is that I am aware of this now and I need to be on guard to not let the Enemy get a stronghold here. Yes, I am hurt that I don't seem to matter to people I thought cared, but it's more a brokenness over the lack of genuine care in people than being angry with anyone. I'm really not angry with people or even resentful, just disappointed really. And I've definitely lost some respect for a few people this year that as leaders, should be doing a better job at genuinely caring for people God gives to them. You know, it would be one thing if I held people responsible for what they don't know, like if I didn't tell anyone what is going on in my life then be upset because they never ask me anything. But that's not at all what I am talking about here, I HAVE talked to a few individuals, spiritual leaders, specifically about some things in my situation, I've even flat out asked for help especially for my husband.... and nothing. That's what I'm disappointed in sweet friends, and that's the part I have to battle when I make a decision here on out on whether or not to open up any more to anyone. I think I am so exhausted that the effort and emotional toll it takes on me to share the heartache, just to have someone look at me and offer to pray which I will never knock that, it's so important...but what I need, is someone willing to walk with me in this a bit, someone that will pray but that will also let the Spirit lead them in encouraging me or helping to anchor me in this chaos where the Enemy is relentlessly trying to take me down and my husband. I need hands and feet. And I don't have the energy left to just "share" my struggles to be ignored. I don't need a babysitter, clearly....but I need godly friends, mentors, help. And for that, I'm now testing the waters to see who is actually willing to put their feet in the mud with me. I don't need flaky...I need solid. warriors. genuine friends. I don't respond to "how are you?"... if someone wants to really know, they'll really ask. And you know what? I will gladly, effortlessly tell them the truth. Because I don't want to hide and I don't want to make people work hard to get to know me, but I'm learning that I have to filter through people to find those who have the capacity to walk with me in this. This journey isn't for everyone, I do believe that God has put it on people's hearts, because I do a lot of praying before I share things...and when nothing happens when I do share, I don't think it's on my end... I think that's a battle between them and God. I literally had someone tell me the other day, that they think of me and my situation often, and they've thought about asking me things, but weren't really sure they actually wanted to know. And I appreciate that honesty. And truthfully I understand it, because they have a gift and they haven't quite learned how to walk in it yet... I do not doubt for one second, that I was supposed to tell them about my situation...I believe God wanted to use them in their gifting...but God does not force us to surrender, we have to choose to do that. And that is between them and God. So again, I'm not angry with people...I'm just super tired of being disappointed when no one shows up and that worldly mantra of "no one is coming to rescue you, you have to save yourself" keeps playing in the back of my mind because it absolutely feels true.....but it's not sweet friends.... the Truth is... the Body of Christ must surrender to the leading of the Holy Spirit and be willing to be hands and feet, even when we don't understand it, when we feel ill equipped to handle it, when it's easier to just let somebody else get dirty and we just want to go into our closet and pray at a distance. But that's not how God works sweet friends..... He is our Rescuer...He is our Savior.....but 9/10 times, He uses His Body to do the work of Rescuing through His Spirit working all things for good, for the one hurting and the one being used to bring healing.
I'm thankful for these hard lessons...because without them, I would've never known that we are lacking in the department of deep connection. And what an important and crucial part of the Body of Christ. I pray this prayer all the time intentionally..."Break my heart for what breaks Yours God"..... and He does.
and those kind of prayers, break our hearts sweet friends. It's not a bunch of cute words. It hurts bad. Because it hurts our Father's heart bad. This incredible ache that I have to "belong" in the Body of Christ, to "feel" loved and supported, to "need" them to hold me up at times when I am crumbling inside... His heart aches for His Body to love one another as He has loved us...and when we "miss that"... we all miss out on the incredible blessings that flow from His heart when we truly understand what it means to "love one another deeply."
The question now is.... not, am I gonna get angry, but rather, what can I do about it in the Kingdom?
Yes, I feel so broken right now, yes I feel incredibly unworthy to actively "do" anything of importance in the Kingdom, I don't want any type of spotlight on me right now or on my marriage, I don't feel fit to lead anyone. But I can continue to walk in surrender as God continues to work in me and heal the wounds and show me my faults, all while fixing my crown. And I can choose to love deeply and continue to fight against the Enemy's lies that we have to do all this on our own. There may still be plenty of days when I feel this way, but I can still hold on to the Truth. That God is Love, and His heart for His Body, is that we do not walk this journey alone. I will choose to love people in spite of the hard days. I hope you will too sweet friends, let this be our prayer from the depth of our souls...
Lord, use me.
