Worthy of the Ask

 

Hebrews 4:16 "Come boldly before the throne of grace in times of need."

I believe this. Normally I live this, but here lately the asks seem like so much. I want to be content in every area of my life but I'm in a hard season, one that God has brought me into on purpose, and I struggle with the number of things I find my heart longing for. That probably doesn't really make much sense without context does it? I'll give you what I can...

When you're married, what your spouse goes through affects your life too. When your spouse goes on a journey with God, good or bad, it's not like we wave them off "have a great time, see ya when you get back!" No, we go along whether we want to or not. We experience the journey too.

I am on, been on, one of those journeys. This new one, is particularly hard. Trials are a part of life, and specific trials are part of our journey with God as He takes us through certain things to refine us and make us holy and pleasing to Him on this path He has created for us. 

God has a plan, has had a plan, for my husband and I, we've known about it for what seems like forever... we haven't seen it fulfilled yet. That's hard.

Here's the even harder part... why has it taken so long? I don't think it's God, I think it's us. We aren't where we need to be and we are each only responsible for ourselves in this. Wanna know an unfair aspect of marriage and ministry? ...This. 

God will not move a couple forward, unless the couple is ready. Why? Because it isn't about us, it's about His purposes, His glory. And, we as individuals and our individual relationship with God will always be more important to Him than what we can "do".

Now, God can and will move according to His purposes in spite of any of us, but His heart is that we are right with Him and love Him before we love ministry.

Make sense?

God has been taking my husband through a very hard journey of "stripping away" anything that is getting in the way of his relationship with God. Its been really hard to watch. It's also been incredibly humbling to watch as my fear of God has definitely deepened over the past few months. He is fierce when it comes to wanting the hearts of His Children. God will never force us to choose Him, but He will bend us to the point of decision. I'm watching it happen, on the sidelines, where I belong for this one. I can't do anything, just pray, encourage, and watch. 

But I'm learning a lot and seeing a different side of God that of course gives me a holy fear and better understanding of the term "jealous God". But also, a really clear picture of His heart towards us sweet friends. He loves us so much, that He is willing to go to battle with us, to deal with our stubbornness, our anger, our defiance... to literally not leave us alone. 

How do we deserve such an amazing love like this from our Creator? We don't deserve it, and yet here He is, pursuing us fiercely, relentlessly, patiently waiting for us to surrender to something so much better than what we are fighting to keep. We are stupid. 

And the dynamic of God's personality... Here He is, dealing quite harshly with my husband, and with me.. He is forcing me to stop and focus on taking care of myself and bringing healing to some broken places that have been stolen, and leading me towards rest. Same God... Awesome. 

Now back to the "Ask"...

I feel so overwhelmed with all this change. Everything feels so "uncertain" because it seems so much hinges on how we handle ourselves, which has sort of stripped that feeling of security right out from under me. Now I trust God in this process. He is never wrong and He is always faithful. However, it doesn't mean things won't continue to get rough. 

As a couple going through this season, I don't feel worthy of asking that God make this easier. Consequences of decisions made... don't deserve an ask to make it better. And yet I know, He is still our Deliverer even when we don't deserve it. But finding that line between humility and boldness has been hard. 

Realizing through humility, the greatness of our God and how much He has actually done for both of us throughout the years, all the blessings He has lavished on us when we didn't deserve it and at times weren't thankful enough for it... how do I ask for more?

He knows my heart, better than anyone, and that's why I know He will listen. Jesus loves me, this I also know...

but, this struggle is still real. Maybe I'm realizing today how the Enemy has attacked my worth over the past several years. Maybe I'm realizing how much I've allowed him to gain access to my self worth. How maybe I let myself not only listen but maybe I even believed some of the lies. 

I'm angry that I did that, I'm angry that he caught me on some hard days when I was too focused on the problems that I let my guard down long enough for him to influence how I saw myself. He is still trying his tricks today... but at least I'm aware. 

The battle I'm facing within today is... I feel so unworthy. And truthfully for more reasons than I wrote down, but none of those really matter because the TRUTH is... I'm wrong. And I know that is the truth. I'm not wrong in knowing that I am not worthy of God's love, none of us are. But that IS who God is, and I am wrong to allow myself to shy away from His perfect love for me simply because I don't "feel" worthy of it. 

Know what I mean? There is a big difference in us knowing the truth sweet friends, and us choosing to actually walk in it. It's the walking in it that takes intentional work on our part. It's us recognizing those lies that the enemy throws at us at the perfect time to trip us up and pull us into bondage. It's building up our armor daily so we are ready for when those hard days come and those arrows fly from the enemy. Walking in truth is work sweet friends, because our faith is actually an action on our part. Believing something is the easy part, living it out is the work. And that's where I'm at with this right now. Finding the truth in the midst of what seems like chaos and blurred lines. I'll find it, I'll fight the enemy, I'll find my worth where it's supposed to be found. It might take me a bit ... but I'll find it. 

Pray for me sweet friends, some days are much harder than others, sometimes I feel so incredibly weak and tired, and so ready to just "give up" whatever that even looks like. But that's not what I really want. It's not what God wants and that's why I get back up, wipe the tears, and put one foot in front of the other. But your prayers for me mean a lot. I am praying for you too sweet friends, I know I'm not the only one facing a hard uphill battle today. We can do this! Grab His hand and don't let go! Thanks for walking this journey with me. love ya, -d

And A Time....to let go.

 A few months ago, God told me that He was going to take my husband on a journey, of stripping away the things that needed to go. He said "It's going to get dark for a while. Hold on."

I was ready, to walk through whatever refining fire my husband needed to go through and do my best to encourage him, lift him up, be strong for him, just as I have done for the last 15 years of a very difficult journey we've been on. (married for 17 years) 

I didn't know that a few months ago, I wouldn't be walking with him through the trial but instead, I would be the one he was fighting against in his process. I wasn't prepared. And I didn't know that God had a plan for me that forced me to take my focus off of trying to fix things for my husband and to stop and put some attention on myself. I was not prepared for the very personal journey that God was taking me on as well.   

You know what I really love about God? He has enough time and attention for all of us. It humbles me that here I was, preparing once again to walk with my husband through his fire, and God is like, "No, you're going to sit this one out, I have something just for you..." God loves and cares about each one of us, don't forget that sweet friends! YOU are important to God.

So my journey...so far... has been incredibly painful, but I have come to understand it's purpose. God is healing me and making me whole again. I didn't realize how deeply broken some of these pieces of my life were. God has been bringing some of these broken parts of me to the surface and exposing them to His light.

My questions here lately have been a lot of...Why now? Why everything? Why is this necessary?

Last January, my husband experienced "freedom" from something he has been dealing with for the past 15 years (that's maybe a story I'll share with you some other time) BUT...

I was ready to move on. Move forward. Embrace the freedom and the next chapter of our lives. One thing about me, I don't hold grudges. I'm quick to forgive and I have no desire to waste my time being angry and bitter. Over the years, God has taught me how to deal with my resentment and anger as it came. And for that, I am thankful.

But it wasn't anger and bitterness, or unforgiveness that I've needed to deal with. It was, well is... some deep pain and hurt that I've managed to bury and ignore over the years. It's been realizing that some of the things inside of me have died throughout the years and God is actually taking me through a "grieving" process that has been unexpected, and hard but healing. I've set aside dreams, I've stopped doing some things that were important to me, I've realized how hard life has been.... and God is also showing me how much I've overcome. How strong I am... because of Him. And it's all been very overwhelming. I'm a little raw to say the least.

You know what I thought I have been doing the past 15 years, I thought I was letting go... but I'm realizing now that the "relational" things like resentment and anger and forgiveness and those types of things I've been really good at letting go of. But the personal things like rejection, loneliness. abandonment, hurt, neglect, and a few other things... those I had pushed down and moved on. Never really dealing with those things or the way I've allowed them to rob me of the joy and abundant life God has desired for me even during these very dark years.

I'm kinda mad at myself for not realizing these things sooner. I was just so focused on "today and tomorrow" that I didn't stop to look at myself. 

Do you know what I don't regret sweet friends? The last 15 years. The last 15 years have been hard, one difficult challenge after another. Most of those challenges were never known by our friends or families. I know I isolated myself from my closest friends.... because I knew how much they loved me and how much they would interfere in what we were trying to save.... our marriage. 

But through the last 15 years, I have grown so much in my relationship with God. My strength as a woman, wisdom & understanding, compassion for people, I've learned how to love people more deeply. Even though I may have pulled away from being as transparent with others about my struggles and journey, I became more intentional in making others feel heard, noticed, and loved. And that is something I treasure even in the hard of my own life, that God really has taught me how to "love my neighbor". It has been a time of growth in many areas of my life. I'm not the same woman I was 15 years ago... I believe I am a better woman now than I was then. And for that, I am grateful. 

Now, before anyone thinks we don't have a strong marriage, that is not the case. We do have a very strong marriage, and it's because we've learned how to walk through the fire together. To put up those hard boundaries that protected our marriage from outside influences that could cause it to crumble. We've made mistakes, we've hurt each other deeply, we haven't been at our best and we have failed each other may times. But we are solid. And we know what it's like to hold each other's hand, maybe at times, dangle each other over the edge lol but never let go of hope.

But hard times are just a part of life. 

We are in a very hard season right now, both of us. We both have very hard journeys we are on individually which affects our journey together. 

My emotions, are a little raw right now and here's the crazy thing; I feel this deep need...for a friend.

And it feels crazy and I have fought this feeling because, why now? Plus I have gotten so close to Jesus during the past 15 years and He has become EVERYTHING to me, I do not want to do anything to replace that or jeopardize that in any way. I have prayed that God would take this desire away, but I have felt Him chuckle at me a little, then the realization that this desire wasn't coming from me, but from Him.

Because His nature is that we are His Body, meant to love each other and rejoice and mourn with each other. And I have been that for others all these years and I love being there for others. But as part of my healing and restoration...He is giving me the desire for a deeper solid friendship. And I'll be honest, it's both exciting and scary. And I have no idea who it will be, but I'm not even gonna look, I'm gonna trust God with this process too! 

So what does "letting go" look like for me right now? I really have no idea, but I have a feeling that is exactly what God is asking me to do and I'm sure that as soon as I loosen my grip on all these things that are holding me back, the freedom and restoration will be well worth it.

If you are finding yourself in a journey full of hard right now sweet friend, you are not alone. Sometimes God has to bring out the broken pieces so He can make us whole again. Yes, sometimes we can just forget and move on, but that's not always what is best for us. And we serve a God who loves us beyond measure, and He wants what is best for us.

Trust Him in the process.

He is always faithful to us.

more to come... love ya sweet friends!