I was ready, to walk through whatever refining fire my husband needed to go through and do my best to encourage him, lift him up, be strong for him, just as I have done for the last 15 years of a very difficult journey we've been on. (married for 17 years)
I didn't know that a few months ago, I wouldn't be walking with him through the trial but instead, I would be the one he was fighting against in his process. I wasn't prepared. And I didn't know that God had a plan for me that forced me to take my focus off of trying to fix things for my husband and to stop and put some attention on myself. I was not prepared for the very personal journey that God was taking me on as well.
So my journey...so far... has been incredibly painful, but I have come to understand it's purpose. God is healing me and making me whole again. I didn't realize how deeply broken some of these pieces of my life were. God has been bringing some of these broken parts of me to the surface and exposing them to His light.
My questions here lately have been a lot of...Why now? Why everything? Why is this necessary?
Last January, my husband experienced "freedom" from something he has been dealing with for the past 15 years (that's maybe a story I'll share with you some other time) BUT...
I was ready to move on. Move forward. Embrace the freedom and the next chapter of our lives. One thing about me, I don't hold grudges. I'm quick to forgive and I have no desire to waste my time being angry and bitter. Over the years, God has taught me how to deal with my resentment and anger as it came. And for that, I am thankful.
But it wasn't anger and bitterness, or unforgiveness that I've needed to deal with. It was, well is... some deep pain and hurt that I've managed to bury and ignore over the years. It's been realizing that some of the things inside of me have died throughout the years and God is actually taking me through a "grieving" process that has been unexpected, and hard but healing. I've set aside dreams, I've stopped doing some things that were important to me, I've realized how hard life has been.... and God is also showing me how much I've overcome. How strong I am... because of Him. And it's all been very overwhelming. I'm a little raw to say the least.
You know what I thought I have been doing the past 15 years, I thought I was letting go... but I'm realizing now that the "relational" things like resentment and anger and forgiveness and those types of things I've been really good at letting go of. But the personal things like rejection, loneliness. abandonment, hurt, neglect, and a few other things... those I had pushed down and moved on. Never really dealing with those things or the way I've allowed them to rob me of the joy and abundant life God has desired for me even during these very dark years.
I'm kinda mad at myself for not realizing these things sooner. I was just so focused on "today and tomorrow" that I didn't stop to look at myself.
Do you know what I don't regret sweet friends? The last 15 years. The last 15 years have been hard, one difficult challenge after another. Most of those challenges were never known by our friends or families. I know I isolated myself from my closest friends.... because I knew how much they loved me and how much they would interfere in what we were trying to save.... our marriage.
But through the last 15 years, I have grown so much in my relationship with God. My strength as a woman, wisdom & understanding, compassion for people, I've learned how to love people more deeply. Even though I may have pulled away from being as transparent with others about my struggles and journey, I became more intentional in making others feel heard, noticed, and loved. And that is something I treasure even in the hard of my own life, that God really has taught me how to "love my neighbor". It has been a time of growth in many areas of my life. I'm not the same woman I was 15 years ago... I believe I am a better woman now than I was then. And for that, I am grateful.
Now, before anyone thinks we don't have a strong marriage, that is not the case. We do have a very strong marriage, and it's because we've learned how to walk through the fire together. To put up those hard boundaries that protected our marriage from outside influences that could cause it to crumble. We've made mistakes, we've hurt each other deeply, we haven't been at our best and we have failed each other may times. But we are solid. And we know what it's like to hold each other's hand, maybe at times, dangle each other over the edge lol but never let go of hope.
But hard times are just a part of life.
We are in a very hard season right now, both of us. We both have very hard journeys we are on individually which affects our journey together.
My emotions, are a little raw right now and here's the crazy thing; I feel this deep need...for a friend.
And it feels crazy and I have fought this feeling because, why now? Plus I have gotten so close to Jesus during the past 15 years and He has become EVERYTHING to me, I do not want to do anything to replace that or jeopardize that in any way. I have prayed that God would take this desire away, but I have felt Him chuckle at me a little, then the realization that this desire wasn't coming from me, but from Him.
Because His nature is that we are His Body, meant to love each other and rejoice and mourn with each other. And I have been that for others all these years and I love being there for others. But as part of my healing and restoration...He is giving me the desire for a deeper solid friendship. And I'll be honest, it's both exciting and scary. And I have no idea who it will be, but I'm not even gonna look, I'm gonna trust God with this process too!
So what does "letting go" look like for me right now? I really have no idea, but I have a feeling that is exactly what God is asking me to do and I'm sure that as soon as I loosen my grip on all these things that are holding me back, the freedom and restoration will be well worth it.
If you are finding yourself in a journey full of hard right now sweet friend, you are not alone. Sometimes God has to bring out the broken pieces so He can make us whole again. Yes, sometimes we can just forget and move on, but that's not always what is best for us. And we serve a God who loves us beyond measure, and He wants what is best for us.
Trust Him in the process.
He is always faithful to us.
more to come... love ya sweet friends!
